I dont know whats wrong with me

[Aysha]

Here I am venturing into another section of the forums.
My problem isnt drugs at the moment.
I am finding that I am getting sadder and sadder with every day that passes.
I feel like shyt. I dont have any energy. I dont feel like doing anything. I basically just dont care.
I felt like this using. So whats the point of not using if I still feel like crap?
My life isnt a mess. I know thats why. But the emotions. The mental state I have been in. The anger. The sadness. The lack of motivation. Its all the same still.
My job sucks. I hate it more than anything. But I need it more than anything.
I am struggling there and getting written up and critisised all the time from my supervisor. I can see what she is saying about me just pushing through calls and not showing concern. Well it gets hard to do after so long of people treating you like a piece of shyt because they are mad at the company. It takes a toll on me after awhile. But now I have been faking the chipper tone of voice and biting my tongue and scribbling so hard on paper I broke 2 pens so I dont break the phone. And it still isnt good enough. I chuckled in the phone. I sighed tooo loud in the phone. My responce of are you serious to a guy who said he was waiting 6 mos for resolution to his problem was not proper. GIVE ME F***ING BREAK!!!
I have always lived my life fast and free. Besides the drugs I always believe live life and do what makes you happy. I cant be one of those people that goes to work everyday miserable just so they can live. There are a million jobs that pay the same if not more than what I am getting there. But my circumstances at this very moment are hindering me from finding another job.
I have burned alot of bridges. I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck.
I want to move back to Florida or N Carolina. But wont because my grams is here.
I hate NY and always have.
I miss my friends. I miss doing things the way I am use to doing them.
Not because I have to or thats how is socially acceptable.
I am living the life of a broken beat person right now and it is killing me.
I just dont know what to do to stop feeling liek I just want to run away.
I am tired of feeling tired and sad. Angry as hell and so unfulfilled.
I am just tired.

[nandm]

Welcome to our mental health forum. I hope you are able to find the support you need here.

[ANGELINA243]

Quit fighting...beating yourself up about the past>I mean. You can find another job..not sure all what difficulties you are facing right now, but you can find another job..maybe not today, but hopefully soon. You sound like you are riding the hellacious roller coaster of early sobriety--it isn't fun, but you can get through this--without using. You are a strong person--I can see that by reading your posts. Hang on! Walking through the "rough spots" wasn't easy, but it made me stronger...and laid the foundation for a more solid recovery. Don't give up! You can do this!

[Latte]

Welcome.

This will pass. I know that it seems like it will be for forever before you feel happy again, but it does get better. It just takes time. I spent a year trying to figure out why I was so unhappy but after a year it got better. The year was just the amount of time it took me. I went on an antidepressant so that I could function (not so that I could be happy) until I got back on my feet. The drugs that I was taking messed up my pleasure center and it needed to repair itself. I'm not gonna lie, I still have bad days, heck I sometimes have bad weeks but I know it gets better because I've lived through the worst of it.

You will get better. It may take time or you may feel better in a few days. Hang in there.

[Aysha]

I have a bad case of the bubble guts.
I am having using thoughts now.
I get a check tomorrow.
I am fighting all those feelings on top of the urge to take the biggest rock to the head.
I just want to not feel anymore.
I'm going to bed. Hopefully I get past the urges. I guess I can live with the shyt feelings. But I hate wanting to get high.

[ANGELINA243]

hoping you start feeling better soon...

[historyteach]

(((Chyinita)))

I"m sorry things are going so hard for you right now.
But, I'm also very impressed that you are willing to sacrifice for your grandmother! That shows an alfull lot of love for her. Does she know how you're struggling? Would it help for you to talk to her? I'm sure she doesn't want you to hurt.

I'm also thinking that you're probably going through PAWS -- post acute withdrawal syndrome. There's information about that on this link:
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center
Take a look at it and see if it's helpful.

In any case, using won't help at all. You know that, of course, and that's why you posted your feelings about using. GOOD FOR YOU! We are only as sick as our secrets.

Have you spoken to a counselor? There are mental heath agencies that work on sliding scales, and even for free, depending on your income level. And there are career counselors at those agencies too, who can help you find more appropriate employment. You might want to check it out.

I'm glad you joined us here. I hope to get to know you better as we both move forward in our recovery.

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

Chiynita, it is clear that you are seriously depressed. A reason why many abuse substances is as a self-medicating tool. For that reason, even when they get sober, they experience depression and other mental health issues like anxiety and insomnia, etc.

If you get a handle on the depression then your struggle to stay sober will become a much easier one to deal with. Please make an appointment with a psychiatrist. If nothing else, they can suggest ways to help you get through this episode. You could also ask for an appointment for a full mental health evaluation (testing). This is usually done by a psychologist and can take four hours or more.

I did just that 4-5 years ago when i discovered i'd been dealing with bipolar disorder most of my life. I wanted to get the testing done to find out if there was anything else going on.

Unfortunately, it is most likely something that will not go away, but rather something that has been there all along. So the sooner you reach out for help the sooner you can start working to manage it.

Latte is right in that it will eventually pass, but i can almost guarentee you it will come back (and worse).

How long have you been at your current job?
Do you have full health insurance?
Do they have more than 50 employees?

I ask because if things become bad enough and you have worked for the company for more than 1 or 2 years, it may be possible for you to take up to 3 months of medical leave depending on what you can show is going on. It is FMLA, that works similar to a pregnant woman taking leave for the pregnancy, but it's also available for those with serious mental illness issues.

If you have insurance, you can opt for a day treatment program that could not only help you with the depression issues, but also could help with the addiction issues.

A note of caution: If you do end up taking medical leave, then I'd suggest looking for a new job in the meantime. I say this because my experience is that the stigma of mental illness is still so high that employers will no longer want to work with you (which is against the law, but they still easily get away with it).

Anyway, i just wanted to throw some things out there for you to think about. Feel free to ask any questions you may have....about anything.

((((welcome)))) to our forum.

Jenna

[Latte]

Shutterbug is correct too, serious depression should be addressed. I did take an antidepressant for a year, a pretty hefty dose. It made it so I could function. Thankfully I seem to be fine now. I did listen to a man who had suffered from depression for years after he got sober and then one day it lifted. The only reason I am sharing his-story is because I took it to heart. I continued to take my antidepressant but realized that one day I might be able to go off of the antidepressant and be okay. I didn't push it, and I followed the instructions of my head doc to the letter. We had very open communication.

Much luck.

[historyteach]

No one here is a doctor.
It is important to get a diagnoses only from a liscensed professional.
We share only our experience, strength and hope.

When there is a substance abuse, the issues can be very muddled. That's exactly why we cannot try to diagnose over the internet. And why we need a medically trained person to give a professional opinion. The difference between PAWS and major depression is not something that we can lightly make. Only a liscensed professional can do so.

And I, for one, would prefer to err on the side of the PAWS, given the substance abuse history. But, I admit fully, that I'm no doc. I've only been on the receiving end of overmedication.

Anyway, Chiynita, you *know* that using will not help you one iota.
So, what are you gonna do instead?
Make yourself a plan, and lay it out here.
It will help to put it out; it will help you stick to it if you tell it to others.
And we are here for you.

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

Thanks for clarifying Teach, but I don't think I tried to diagnose anyone? I am not a doctor and hopefully it is PAWS instead of something more difficult or long term.

But I feel like my job here is to inform those struggling.... of what possible things could be hindering other people's lives and recovery efforts.

And I would just like to point out to Latte that....exactly what you are explaining is why so many live and struggle their entire lives with bipolar disorder. Please don't get me wrong, i am NOT saying you or Chiynita are bipolar. What I AM saying is that in between my major episodes....I seemed fine. And by many looking in (and even myself had i not educated myself on it) would have thought also that i was just fine, but i wasn't.

Ultimately, all i'm saying is that it could be a number of things, some temporary and some not so temporary.....which is why i suggested visiting a psychiatrist and also why i suggested a possible testing session with a trained psychologist.

None of us can tell you what to do, and I wouldn't want to tell anyone what to do. All we can do is be here and offer possible suggestions out of our own experiences and knowledge. What you do is up to you.

Sorry Teach,
Jenna

[historyteach]

No need to be sorry; we're all friends here.
And we all share our ESH; that's why we're here.

There's truth in what you say, Jenna. But, on the other hand, many people experience depression after getting straight/sober until their brain chemicals get a chance to straighten up, too. And when PAWS hits, it can be unnerving and throw people for a loop. That's why it's important to go to a doctor. So, we all agree on that!

Shalom!

[Aysha]

The same day I posted this thread. I relapsed.
I didnt plan to. I just did out of the blue.
Actually I had a feeling. But I didnt think I really was going to until I decided to go romping through the neighborhood to see what I could see. I was fine and ready to leave and out of nowhee this girl I know jumped in and handed me a piece.
It was a wrap.
But I cant be mad or angry. I shouldnt have been there in the first place. I let my anger and sadness steer me in the wrong direction.
And even now. A week later. I cant say I regret doing it.
Sounds twisted..right?
Well heres why.

I was like the walking dead for over a month there. Doing that..Even tho I do not reccomend it or say it was a smart thing to do. There are better ways.
But it woke me up again. It gave me the drive I needed to do something about myself.
Geez..So much so..I finally got a new job in less than a week.
The root of my depression and anger. That job!!
If I hadnt gone out there. I would have just stayed mad and depressed and kept torturing myself in that miserable job.
I feel like I have motivation again.
It sounds stupid me even saying all this.
But it took me that one more time to see that I was not missing anyhting. And that using wasnt going to make me feel better.
But at the same time.It took that to kick me in the butt to do something about it.
I also have 2 pdoc appts. And I am seriously thinking about trying meetings at least once a week now.
I know what was wrong with me too. The thing that made me go to the hood in the first place. I was lonely.
I need friends. Clean sober friends. I was looking for interaction the only place I knew at the time.
I need to expose myself to sober addicts. As much as it is going to be uncomfortable. I need to.
I am a loner. But I get lonely at times and my family just isnt enough sometimes.
So it sucks I threw 4 mos out the window. But it may be just what I needed to do the work I have needed to do in my recovery the whole time.

[historyteach]

Sorry you had to learn the hard way, Chiynita.
But, it's a lesson I hope will stay with you; then it will be worth learning.

Meetings and getting friendly with new people will be good for you, and give you f2f people upon whom you can depend when those lonely and stressful times come. And they will come again. Get phone numbers when you go to your first meeting. Many will be happy to share with you.

Please be gentle with yourself, and take good care of yourself.

Shalom!