Drowned by problems

[Lilya]

Back home from wonderful Italy and the problems start... like I´ve been punished for having a nice weekend. (I know this is an irrational thought.) My father is slowly dying in a nursing home and I was contacted immediately upon arrival. He has gone berserk and the nurses don´t know how to deal with him. He wants to be able to go home every weekend but my mother won´t receive him. She claims she is now happy for the first time in her life. My brother, who is a doctor, is on a surgeon´s conference in Kuala Lumpur and my sister is an active alchololic. I want my father to be able to come home to his own house on weekends- he supported my mother all his life and now she won´t even look at him - the whole family on my mother´s side is against me. I feel like the juvenile delinguant I once was. I need to think this problem through. I just feel so angry by my mother´s resistance. My father and I have always been extremely close and I want him to be able to have some quality of life in his remaining months.

Anhother message from my assistant at work: 2 months of negotiation are down the tube and I have a film festival to put together for September. My computer at work is down, the workmen are on strike and my 14 year old niece is now crazy about some internet guy in Nice, on the other side of France. She´s out and nowhere to be found.

Can somebody help?

Use adversity

[2stop]

Oh Lilya!! I am so sorry you are going through all of this. That's a lot to handle and cope with. It's very difficult to realize our limits and strengths when we are confronted with family problems especially. The best advice I would have to give is to do some relaxation exercise in the morning first thing upon arising, and before bed, take an inventory of what you found to be your strengths and what you can gently nudge yourself to let go and let God take over. I know this is easier said than done! Maybe this is a test period to get you to another plane of your life, an experience that surely will be painful during the changes but will equip you to live your life on an even higher spiritual plane than ever before, I strongly believe that it is in out weakest and most distraught positions that we grow with the pains or take on inertia and detour our inevitable journey of self-discovery and growth. I am sending many hugs and prayers your way that you will be able to embrace all that is good and strong and beautiful about you and that you will face with courage and understanding all that must be let go of....You have come through so much already in your life..you are a miracle. There is something that I always think off..I don't remember if it was from the Dalai Lama or Lao-tzu(I think i got that name right) where they say..In our world nothing ever changes because they live by a set of spiritual principles so solid that nothing at all under the sun can disturb it..I find that so compelling and challenging....Hang in there Lilya..I know you have the inner strength to get through all this.

[Caveman]

No I can't help at all.

And it sounds like you won't be able to much either. Families are very difficult, and we are always children to our parents. No matter how sucessful and intellegent we become, I do not feel that they will ever accept us as equals.

The best you can do is to say your peace. No reason to get mad and yell and no reason to allow them to make you into the person you were so long ago. Say what you feel to your mother and then do what you think is best. After all, it really does not matter what THEY think of you, what is important is what YOU think of YOU.

As for the rest: I am sure you can put together a festival by September. How many have you done in the same time period? More than a few I would bet.

Computer problems? Easy toss it, get it fixed or get a new one.

As for the neice, you are on your own there. I could not understand 14 year old females when I was that age, much less 24 years later.

Have a great day, make it one.

[Mamabear]

Dear Lilya,

Do what you can do....spend the time you have with your Dad in peace...even if it is limited....that will make a difference to you and to him.
There's really not much else in your control.
Amazing isn't it the expectations that family members have for us. And somehow we all fall into the trap of thinking we can meet those expectations. Caveman is right; it's what you think not what they think that is important.
Good luck w/ the film festival.
I'll say a prayer that you have a peaceful spirit.
Mamabear

[2stop]

Lilya..thinking of you, hope you're doing okay!

[Mamabear]

Dear lilya,

I thought of you and have been praying for you, your niece and your dad.
I hope you can do something to take care of you today. It will help to keep your feet on the ground.
peace,
Mamabear

[Lilya]

Hi everyone,
I just got out of the hospital where I was diagnosed with extreme stress syndrom and told to go home and get some rest.
I did quite a few stupid things since last time. I couldn´t control my temper and forgot everything I´ve learned since I got sober! First I went to work and demanded the computer and phone company we do business with to send a technician over to fix my computer. I wish I could have thrown the computer out, like you suggested, Caveman, but unfortunately the office supplies come from the Ministry of culture. The technicians are on strike - everyone is always on a strike in this country and I´m sick of it - so I got into a fight with the computer and phone company and they´ll send someone over tomorrow.
Then I went to my uncle who was beside himself with worry because of my niece who was finally found with some 16 year old guy, and the whole family got into a fight Ã* la France with soppy making up that almost drove me nuts. Then I went to my mother and got into a fight with her because of my dad, called my brother in Kuala Lumpur and he agreed with me so we will work it out together when he gets back. Then I got a phonecall, an old friend and fellow artist committed suicide. My heart got crazy, I couldn´t breath and I went to the hospital, thinking I was having a real heart attack.
I am definately too old for this drama. You´re right, all of you. I forgot to let go and started repeating old behaviour patterns. But no more. I won´t go to work this week, my assistant can deal with the technicians, and of course I can put together a film festival. Thanks for believing in me, all of you, and thank you for your warm thoughts and your prayers. God knows I need it. I´ll go to bed now (in the middle of the afternoon) and just turn off the phone.
I feel like such an idiot for all these quarrells! The doctor told me to go to my old Kung Fu classes instead, and yes, I will follow her advice.

Use adversity

[2stop]

Sorry to hear you were in the hospital, Lilya..get some rest and take care of yourself. Hope things are smoother for you soon, will say a prayer for you.

[Lilya]

I´ve been resting and thinking about this crazy family drama. Only one thing makes sense to me: Helping my father to have some degree of quality in his remaining months. I´m sure it´s difficult for my mother to have him with her on the occasional weekend, so I´ll try to take him to my house from time to time with nurses to take care of him. It might be a solution and then I don´t have to deal with my mother and sister. They will not change.

He was an artist and tought me the value of freedom. Each year he rented appartments or houses in Spain so he could get inspiration and took us on long drives around the countryside. We lived everywhere, Madrid, Granada, Barcelona, Gibraltar. When I was 14, he sent me alone on the ferry to Marocco on a guided tour. I know this is very unconvential today, but that was back in the seventies and he believed in teaching kids how to take care of themselves. I had lots of trouble, but I learned how to defend myself. I took the bus to the desert, stayed in those palace hotels and enjoyed every minute. This was so magical and it was thanks to him I learned to value my freedom above everything else. I´m not about to let him rot in a nursinghome, so I´ll concentrate on this. Thankfully, I have my brother with me.

Use adversity

[2stop]

Your father sounds like the most awesome man!! This has to be so difficult, but he has surely given a great gift and appreciation of life and art and freedom. His beauty will live on in you and I know you will make him most proud. Thanks for sharing about your father~ Love to you, Lilya. Take care of yourself ya hear? Make sure you get the rest the doctors ordered!!

[Juls]

Lilya,

I'm sorry I'm late on getting in on this. Wow - you've got alot to deal with all at once, but it always seems when it rains, it pours. Just reading over your posts I can already see that dealing with these stressors, while it has been hard, has pushed you into some growth, and some realizations.

A parent dying is never an easy thing, but not only do you have a chance to do some things for your father, you have an opportunity to learn from him, if he is able to communicate. Helping someone to die, is a tremendous growth experience.

When you feel so overwhelmed like you were having a heart attack, work on taking slow deep controlled breaths. Learning beathing techniques is very good for anxiety attacks. Remeber, the anxiety won't hurt you, it is just a feeling that will pass.

I will be thinking of you and your family, and praying for positive outcomes.

Juls

[Lilya]

Thank you Juls, for your support.

I´m feeling a bit better - I got some medication and good advice from the doc. I will try breathing relaxation as you suggested. I did yoga for some time and Kung Fu, and we always start with calming exercises.

I have a feeling the ones I communicate with here at this forum are the sainest people in my life at the moment. The doctor asked me why I had all these people (family, friends) in my life and suggested I should not take on too much since everyone is crashing around me at the same time. Problem with France is there is a strong family tradition and people usually acts out crazy dramas. It´s part of the nation´s sickness, I believe.

I can still communicate with my father and he is the one who gives me warmth and appreciation. My mother´s behaviour baffles me and I have to admit it hurts like hell. She has not asked me the outcome of the various tests I had at the hospital and acts as it is none of her business.

I have gone through so much work concerning our difficult relationship I know when to stop, take a breath and walk away. I will do so.

Caveman said something I find very true: No matter how we succeed in life, we will always be our parent´s children. In my mother´s eyes, I´m still the juvenile delinguent, but my father has always applauded my progress in every way.

He is a terrible macho with his cigars and cognac, hunting stories and old macho friends, but when I have a book to publish or a festival to organize, he has always been in the front row to applaud me.

I´m still trying to figure all this out with your good help and support.

Thanks everyone, for being there for me.

Use adversity

[2stop]

~Lilya~ Thinking of you and sending a ((HUG)).

[Mamabear]

Dear Lilya,

Do you have hospice or a similar program in France?
Hospice( here in the states) is a wonderful organization that stresses comfort and independence for the dying. It has helped our family twice and gave us so much information and compassion. I would highly suggest contacting them for their expertise. You and your father will feel so many positive effects.
I remember hospice teaching us how to let go of my fatherinlaw; they also taught him how to let go of us. I know this may sound bizarre, but it was one of the most peaceful moments I have ever experiences, similar only to having our children.

For some reason 'dysfunctions' seem to heighten during times of stress. It is so important that you care for yourself.
Yoga stretches are a great way to pray and stay in the moment. They help me care for myself in a very concrete gentle way.
I will pray for you and your father today.
fondly,
Mamabear

[Lilya]

Thanks, Mamabear.
I feel a lot calmer today and less dysfonctionelle. I sleep and sleep like a cat. I even made up with my mother! Tomorrow I will check for the hospice system. We do have that in France.

I know what you mean by the dying experience. It´s a very peaceful and empowering emotion. My favorite aunt died of a heart attack in mid-May and my cousin was murdered in Geneva. I am trying to come to terms with their deaths right now with the help of a wonderful group specializing in grief. I have a strong belief in the afterlife and have made documentaries about that, interviewed doctors and physchologists and people who have had Near-death experiences. I will be there for my father when he leaves.

Have good day and thanks for thinking of me.

Use adversity