Having trouble as usual... MENTAL...

[Paulos]

Hi all, I'd like to share a part of my journal with you all and see if it looks like I'm going crazy or not Ahem... here we are...

"2:40pm... I think it was about 36 hours since I had last
showered... yeah about that, so therefore I got
showered/washed. I may have to start getting washed
everyday because I'm making myself crazy in regards
to how many hours was it since I last got washed
when, here, now, and so on etc... it does drive me
insane. I am feeling blank minded and confused, I feel
I can have lots of fun doing things but I'm not doing
them properly and as I already wrote in the journal I
just noticed, everything has to be rushed... I'm more
impatient and irritated than usual, realizing my faults
even more than ever, I am very concerned and
confused about my mental well being at this point. I
just don't know what to do, and my DREAMS are out of
this world, too much stupid CRAP... I can't afford to be
caught off guard, I am no longer comfortable in things I
do because I usually narrated what I did and now I
can't really put it into words orally or in the computer
like I used to... and I realized another reason I could
be feeling overwhelmed is because currently I'm
involved in a lot of games which are... Neopets *also
REBUILDING the account which is emotionally tough
but I'm doing it*, Final Fantasy Tactics on the PSP
which is a surprise that I'm doing but I am because I
love FFT, Heroes of Might and Magic III that I've been
doing almost for 2 whole months now, uhh... oh yes
and of course SHINING FORCE II which is such a blast
from the past, having to organize my troops, the new
promotion system and all this crap it makes me just a
bit... crappy feeling like things are expected of me by
MYSELF and I can't overcome them... when I DO it
right, I just don't do it correctly... I feel stupid,
worthless and pitiful and I wouldn't survive a day out
in the real world alone. It's like the Zoloft is really
breaking down on my depression which is great, but
my ANXIETY is higher than usual, heart palpitations,
nervousness, fear something is going to go wrong, hot
flashes/sweatiness, and BAD headaches... and of
course horrible memory. Man... I don't know what to
do."

Well... just thought I'd share a little bit with you all, I don't know what it'll do or what... dam just made a typo, see what I mean I'm doing terrible I'm horrible... uhh... there's so much I have to say too... I just can't get it out... I feel so ... wrong.

[dancinggirl]

Paulos, I don't think you're going crazy at all! Organizing your thoughts, journaling, letting it out, all seem like completely normal, healthy things to be doing.

[shutterbug]

i agree with DancingGirl, your words/post is well written and exspressed.

The problem is not you, as you know already deep down somewhere, the problem is the illness. You really have no more control over it than if you had a 'physical' illness like cancer, a leg amputated or even the flu. None of us choose to get ill or hurt....we can only choose to try and keep moving forward as best we can, WITHOUT putting ourselves down for not being the "perfect" picture of ourselves (however we see that perfect picture being), b/c the truth is there IS NO perfect picture. So, try to stop beating yourself up for being HUMAN!!!!

A typo is nothing you should be putting yourself down for!! Jimminy Christmas, I worked as a news writer for 2.5 years and i'm a horrid speller and always have TONS of typos!

Sweetie, that's what editors are paid for! Even the BEST, PULITZER PRIZE WINNING writers in the world have tons of editors backing them and correcting their writting and typos. It's as normal as breathing for us. Would you ever put yourself down for breathing?

You can and will make it through this episode and you WILL get better. The most important thing you can do until then is to learn to accept yourself as a human who gets ill sometimes. And try to cut yourself some slack.

i know how hard that is b/c i'm my own worst nightmare. NO ONE can or ever will hurt me as much as i hurt myself, but i'm working on these same things that i'm writing to you in this post.

What I DO see you doing right now that is unhealthy is using the games as an escape. I'm not saying you are wrong for doing so, I'm just saying that it's a good thing to recognize in yourself and work on slowly moving into the real world where live, 3D people can be here for you and make you laugh and feel good about yourself JUST for who you are as a person and NOT how good you are at doing anything.

And I'm not being a hypocrite here either, b/c my most shameful thing right now in my life is that I use gambling to escape from myself. In some ways....moving our attentions into games (my gambling is done thru gaming video machines).....is a way of letting go of whatever we are dealing with our real lives and putting all our hopes and dreams into the games that we tend to feel safer living in. But the truth is....we are both in much WORSE danger to ourselves by these actions.

That's just a few thoughts to maybe ponder.

---

The main thing i want to ask about is what other meds are you on besides Zoloft?

I appologize, but i can't remember if you've stated what your diagnosis is or any other details?

I also know what you are talking about with the severe anxiety. This year, my anxiety was sooooo bad that normal sounds or movement would have me nearly jumping out of my skin and would make my heart pound so bad it would sometimes feel like it would pop right through my chest!

My startle response was totally OVER-VIGILANT!

What has helped me has been the Lamictal. Not only does it help level my moods, but it also helps pull me out of the deeper depressive days AND i didn't realize until after my pdoc pulled me off if it for a couple of weeks....that it was REALLY helping my anxiety too....as well as helping me not to become so overwhelmed and stressed out by my own thoughts. (And as a bipolar II, which means i often have body aches and struggles during my depressions, the Lamictal helps a LOT with that as well).

Actually, it was my therapist who pointed out that Lamictal is also prescribed to patients with ADHD and also gets prescribed to some patients who's main problem is pain management. I can testify that within just a couple of days of running out of it or forgetting it....I start getting headaches daily and shortly after is when my body aches and pains return.

To me...it's been the most helpful med i've had...but it's also taken a couple of years for me to work up to my helpful dosage and to also be on a couple of other anti-depressants that seem to work well with the Lamictal.

But that is all what's just worked best for me. Everyone is different.

I guess my main point is that you should talk with your pdoc about all this and see what medicine additions (or changes) might could help you right now.

Actually, I would STRONGLY suggest you print out your above journal post and give a copy of your own words/struggles to your pdoc (and therapist, if seeing one).

Hang in there. It's not the fall that's fatal to us....it's the whole 'hitting the ground' part. LOL. So just keep reaching out and grabbing all the help you can right now....it's okay ya know....it's okay to ask and recieve help. And there's a lot of people in the world who love nothing more than holding out their hands for us to grab hold of when we need a helping hand the most.

It's okay.

love and hugs,
Jenna

p.s. BTW, i don't even know when i took a shower last, but i can tell you for certain that i've only had 2 in at least the past 2 weeks...and my waist-length hair hasn't been brushed in over 2 weeks. I just keep it tied in a knot ontop of my head and clipped. And i went for at least 5 days wearing the same clothes. It's yukky, i know, but i'm ill and have a lot more important things going on right now....like surviving among the picture of 'poverty.'

But the truth is, i'm much MORE ashamed of my gambling than i am of my self-care issues. I've nearly learned not to shame myself into feeling bad about being severly depressed and for not being able to care for my own body properly.

I'm alive.
And THAT is a success!

:atv

[Paulos]

Thank you all for your understanding and kindness, it's just I'm driving myself crazy and I am my own enemy just like you said about yourself shutterbug. I'm coming off a year of being on a lot of anti physchotics such as Lamictal/Seroquel/Risperdal *which was 2007* then in 2008 is when I begun trying to stop drinking which I succeeded at, but that's all I've succeeded at. I feel like I'm not myself, I'm alive but not living properly, I feel like I'm a disgrace to my family and I wouldn't survive in the real world without my mother and family's help. I shower just about every day now due to my OCD about when I got washed last, when I last did this, I count the number of hours from when I last showered to when I do so again... I have to count many other things as well to not be caught off guard in case something happens... and I don't use games to escape, that is my HOBBY actually... I stop games a lot when I DON'T want to escape... I WISH the games COULD make me escape but they don't work that way for me, there ARE NO MORE ESCAPES for me... nothing is working, but I am on Xanax 3mg a day,... that helps me a little, but that's about it. I hope we talk again Shutterbug.

[tiburon88]

Hey Paulos I'm a big gamer as well. I currently play a lot of World Of Warcraft. I also struggle with depression/anxiety and a very severe addiction. PM if u ever want.

[shutterbug]

Paulos, i just want to say that getting and staying sober is hard enough, without struggling with the depression and OCD and such. It's my opinion that you are headed toward a major relapse if the mental illness part isn't stabalized better soon.

From what you've written, am i correct in that the only medication you're on is the Zoloft? Can I asked why you stopped all the other meds in 2007? That combo of the 3 meds you mentioned is a pretty serious combo of two mood stabalizers and 1 also being an anti-psychotic (and i'm not very familiar with the Resperdal).....but my point is that to go from those to only a single anti-d is quite a major change.

Why suffer so when perhaps one or two additional meds could possibly help ease things?

I have some OCD tendencies, but not typical like constant washing (obviously, although i do wash my hands quite often). I tend to get 'distracted' in a way by numbers. Mostly times of day like 1:11, 4:44, etc., or even 12:34 or 12:21. I've just become overly observant of patterns in numbers. Like today, I woke up late for a appointment w/ my therapist and i grabbed my phone to see the time and it said 2:22 (i've been sleeping during the day lately). I just rolled my eyes at myself and my phone for showing that time on it and jumped up to race out the door. But, it just seems i always tend to look at the clocks exactly at such times. It was worst a few months ago, but still makes me want to scream. LOL.

So in that sense, i can 'sort of' relate to the counting (oh....which i also started doing recently when gambling. Sometimes i'll count the number of spins between the spins that i win a decent amount on or how long it takes before winning a bonus spin or something....yeah, i know.)

Anyway, i just wanted to possibly try to help, if only it means that i'm here and listening.

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Paulos, I've been thinking of this for a day or so now and.....frankly, i don't see how the games aren't an escape???? I'm not saying that's a bad thing, just saying that you seem stressed by the gaming regardless....and that i don't understand unless you are flat-out addicted to it?

My photography has been my career AND hobby for the past 10 years or so...and it is truely my greatest escape!! And i'm VERY thankful for that!! Which is why i'm so desperately scrambling to get my own gear and photoshop program (so i can have this in my life w/o depending on a job at a newspaper like i've done to this point).

I'm sorry to 'argue' about this issue, but i don't see how you 'can't' see gaming as an escape? By nature, that's what a game is, right? It takes you into a different world and your concentration goes to that. Right?

Lastly, may i ask how long you've been sober now?
I think I've also asked a couple of times if you are in AA, but i don't remember an answer?

Hugs,
Jenna

[Paulos]

I feel stressed out by everything, games are the only thing that makes me relax other than prayer and relaxing music... the games are what I always loved and took GREAT PRIDE IN. Everything is falling apart and my resistance in this battle is fading immensely. The games aren't an escape, they're simply an insane hobby... at least I have something. I am not AA material due to social anxiety and I'm 120 days sober, shutter you're right, I'm in line for a major relapse if I don't get mentally fixed up soon... forgive me everyone...

[shutterbug]

The 120 days is awsome...really awsome. And i'm glad you find comfort in the games. What about a significant other or family?

I also understand not feeling like AA material....especially b/c of social anxiety...as i feel both. However, as someone who even gets stressed out by going to the grocery store and having to stand in line with others.....well, if i was able to make myself face all the sardine can press conferences and other events i've had to in the past for my job....then i think you could face a small AA group if you really wanted too.

If nothing else....AA works b/c people willingly give you their numbers for you to call when feeling weak and craving. I've sweated nearly through my clothes when attending the 2 gamblers anoynomous meetings in the past 2 weeks...but i went....and will continue to force myself. I know i can't do it alone...and the point is that none of us have to (and it does get a little easier to sit in a room with these people...b/c i also did it in Alanon meetings a few years ago).

Something about being in a group of people who have also admitted their problems and are working on them....makes it a VERY compassionate group. Last week, one of the older GA members noticed my fanning myself...and he got up and plugged the fan in. And another male, very gorgeous and my age (but married), even struggled to hold back tears as i told my story with tears streaming down my face.

I know i won't be able to stop without them....and i know that i'll get a little less stressed being around them....in time.

And yes...my life is falling apart for the 3rd and hardest time now in my life. I like how you said it about your resistence in this battle is fading. That is a very good way to put it. That is exactly how it feels. I know it too well.

Just hang on as best you can b/c the one thing i also know well is that nothing ever stays the same.

hugs,
Jenna

[Jadmack25]

"2008 is when I begun trying to stop drinking which I succeeded at, but that's all I've succeeded at."
Don't put yourself down, you have stayed the course for 120 days. Take a bow.
There a so many who can't keep it going 120 minutes.
You are getting close, so keep walking the walk and you WILL get to the promised land.
You are in my prayers.

[jurneyman]

Paulos, I don't know what else to add to Jenna's personal E/S/H., that she found in
the rooms of 12 step recovery. Possibly something else you might try that has helped many others who are new to A.A. is A Speaker meeting. This type of meeting is where you just listen, and not have to say anything. Usually you are able to sit anywhere you want, away from the others, or in the back of the room, wherever you feel comfortable. Don't let your disease feed your anxiety and fears. I know it is very difficult to fight and overcome, but it is possible, because you are willing to change. This is where if you believe, there is a power greater then you are that will restore you to sanity, the Serenity prayer can help give you the courage for that change. You can do this, pray that your disease loses its power to control your life with lies, it needs you to believe
Alcohol is the only way to control your anxiety and fears, and you won't be able to face life without it.

[Paulos]

I so scared everyone. I think I'm losing my mind. It's not fair it's NOT FAIR IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Freedom1990]

Isolation is a killer for me, social anxieties or not.