it's all falling apart. I'm losing things one at a time.

[Paulos]

the alcoholism, my computer, my gaming, my skills, my brain, my site, my neopets account *just recently*... everything... it's FALLING APART. EVERYTHING IS JUST FALLING APART... I don't know anymore, I REALLY DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

[shutterbug]

((((Paulos)))) I'm sorry you are going thru a rough time right now. I definetly knows how it feels! Try to just relax as much as you can and let yourself and your mind rest rather than worry (it's hard, i know, but every little bit helps).

The more we stress, then the more our cortisol levels rise....and the more cortisol dumped into our system, the more stressed we feel - and for longer. So try to take some deep breaths and just do the minimum that you must to get through the next few days. Try and think of yourself as you would a best friend or a beloved young child....and then nurture that person a bit.

Can i ask if you are in AA?
I just attended my first 2 gamblers anoynomous meetings this week...and it was VERY hard for me to do, but i knew i had to make myself just do it. I'll never understand it, but there's just something magic about dropping your head and stepping into a room with a table and several others sitting around it who are dealing with the same problems and issues. I'm even learning that these peeps also have extra knowledge about how to help fix financial troubles! And knowing that i have a handful of numbers to call when i'm really craving the casino...well, that's just an awsome thing to have.

I wanna leave you with this: A re-run of the first season of lost was on this evening. It was one of the first episodes where the former 'rock god' (Charlie) was craving his stash of drugs, which another crash survivor had found and was holding onto.

When Charlie went to the guy for the second time to beg from a fix, the old guy had him look at a moth's cocoon. He explained how special moths are b/c they spin silk, unlike butterflies, and that it takes a huge struggle for them to emerge from the cocoon from the tiny hole. He talked about how he could widen the hole to make it easier for the moth, but if he did the moth would surely die b/c it wouldn't be strong enough to survive.

He said something like, "In life, struggling is necessary to build strength."

I want to make this my new life slogan. See, i know that if i can make it through all i've been thru the past 4 years, and especially this past year, then you can make it through your inner and outer struggles right now.

Instead of thinking of the nightmare life seems now (for us both), it's VERY important to block that out of your mind and just look to what's possible for your future. What goals do you have? Where do you want to be in a year? Two years? Ten years?

Then just focus on the long-term with thoughts of KNOWING you can make your future be what you want. None of us know exactly how to make all that happen, but the successful ones just constantly let there thoughts go to thoughts of their future success and goals reached - rather than current failures (or what feels like failures) and set backs.

The only important thing is to just keep pushing forward, NO MATTER how small the steps. Why? Because every smallest step forward means we weren't moving backwards!!!!!

giant hugs,
Jenna

[historyteach]

Deep breath, Paulos...

What exactly do you mean by "Everything is just falling apart."
Be specific and detailed in what the problem is.
Once the problem is laid out, it is easier in formulating a plan to make things better.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much.
But, you've come so far. And you have so much of which to be proud!
Continue along on your journey of sobriety. You're doing GREAT, even if, at times, it seems hard.
We're all here, rooting for you!!!

Shalom!

[Paulos]

sniff... I hate myself so much, I dispise myself... I ... hate how I can't ... be more... thank you very much shutter for that explanation but ... due to my brain I feel I don't understand it properly... it's real pitiful of me isn't it... and everything is falling apart like *to historyteach* everything I do... Myspace, Youtube, My web site, my typing skills, now Neopets, everything feels like I'm losing my ability at it all slowly one by one by one.... and it's hurting badly.

[ANGELINA243]

Paulos...

[OXFORD]

Last month I was going through the same thing, starting from a panic attack that led to me being kicked out of dorms then I had no choice but to move back home. I was at my absolute lowest, what pushed me through was finding little moments, I just kept building on those until I could start feeling stable.

[51anna]

Paulos,

I am so sorry that you despise yourself right now. You have many friends here who really care about you.

It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and maybe if you try to deal with just one thing at a time, you'll be able to feel like you are making some progess. By the way, your typing skills are great!

[shutterbug]

What Anna said is very important. When feeling overwhelmed it's most important to just take one single thing at a time. Think about what is most pressing or most important to you right now - it can even be 2 things at a time if just 1 is hard to pin down for you.

Then, focus on ONLY that 1 or 2 and let the others fall away from your mind. Don't dwell AT ALL on the others. worrying about them won't help take care of them any faster and just makes you feel worse. What will make you feel better is focusing on that 1 or 2 things and feeling you accomplished something by tending to them and being able to check them off your worry list.

i know all too well what it's like to hate myself. i don't think i'll ever learn how to love myself properly, but i do know how tough life is when i felt like i hated everything about myself...and that lasted for what seemed like forever.

But listen....you are depressed. Depression DOES NOT mean you are pitiful or worthless or unloveable or stupid or ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!! Those things are all how i feel when in the grips of depression, BUT just b/c it feels that way right now....doesn't mean that it is true.

Your view of yourself and the world is distorted right now. And that's not your fault or doing. That is just what it is -- an illness.

This time of year is when a lot of people struggle with depression. It's something about the change of seasons (in the fall and spring) that have a negative pull on many of us.

But look....In the past 10 months, I've had TWO cars stolen, been hospitalized for 4 weeks straight for my mental illness, under gone 23 shock treatments for depression, had my bank account drained by a 'boyfriend' who turned out to be addicted to crack and is now in prison (again), lost my corporate pish-posh job where i was a chief photographer for the first time out of 10 years in the field of journalism, AND was fired from that job just 2 days after my 32nd birthday (in which all I rec'd was an old sucker, a tiny card from a co-worker and a giant ball of tissues from the 1/2 hour i spent balling my eyes out on the bathroom floor of our office)....

oh...and then got evicted from my nice, historical apartment in the city and had to move back to my home town and into a slum rental property owned by my step-dad. I've been staying here for over a month and only JUST got my hot water turned on 2 days ago! And the plumbers cut 2 giant holes in the floor and left the door pullled of the hot water tank, i only have 1/8th of the nasty carpet pulled up.....AND have a long line of ants i've been battling that are trailing thru the kitchen.

oh.....AND i've developed a gambling addiction that a former cocain addict said (during my first gamblers anoynomos mtg this week) is a harder addiction to battle than all drugs accept for meth. And a recovering alcoholic in the group said the same.

------------------

So, my point with all that is this:

If i can still keep pushing forward, 1 day and 1 issue at a time, then i know you can too!!!!

I'm not saying it's not hard, it is....very hard. But use this site to talk out your feelings and struggles and i promise you it helps to get all those thoughts out of your head. And the people here are angels....true angels!

no matter what is going on in your 3D life....there is support, love and caring for you here. Hang onto that when you feel your worst.

lov and hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Also Paulos, don't believe those voices in your head that say horrid things about you for being depressed. Depression steals our short-term memory from us, and steals our ability to think clearly. It's a black hole that just tries to suck all the life out of us, but you CAN'T let it win.

Can i ask if you are on meds; and if so, what are you on?
And are you in AA?
And do you have friends and/or family members that can help in any way with the things u are struggling with right now?
And lastly, have you ever thought about checking into a hospital for a week or so? The first time I did, i was scared and felt like a failure, but i swear to you that i was so stress, overwhelmed and so sick that it was quite literally the BEST vacation from life i've ever had! It was beautiful to not have to worry about ANYthing for a week, while i rested and let others help take care of me.

anyway, please know you have friends here that know all to much what it feels like to be in the kind of darkness you're struggling in right now.

you are not alone,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

one more thing...here is a quote that made me think of you:

"There is a light that shines in the darkness and the light cannot comprehend it." -- author unknown

It means that you are a bright shining light....you just can't see it in yourself right now... but we can.