Bipolar/Depression Journal Part VI

[shutterbug]

LOL.

i git the indian-inspired, life tree bedspread in the mail today. Am I remembering right...that it's for wall art? In the dining room? I can't really remember. It's quite interesting. I like it. (((((thanks!))))

Well, I nearly cancelled my therapy appointment yesterday b/c it was earlier in the day than I've been waking up around lately....but mostly b/c of the gas it costs me to drive up there and back. But i'm glad I didn't.

I was 30 minutes late, but more importantly....I showered!! And in my OWN shower....and reached for a bit more nicer of my clothes than sweats and a wrinkled t-shirt. It felt nice yesterday, so I had the windows down and it felt really good with the wind blowing thru my still-damp hair.

Oh, and I decided to reward myself with an espresso. With the 30 minutes we had left, we talked about my tendency for lateness. I immediately said something about being that way all my life and "I don't know why?" At the end of the session, after some other topics, he had to ask me if I had thought he was wanting me to look at possilities of 'why' i struggle with lateness. He kinda got a giggle out of it and something like my response to him kinda being like he was a school teacher asking me why i was late. LOL

Our discussion tho, had still went into possible reasons for my lateness tendencies, but in a reverse approach. He first had asked what I was feeling when I was calling him to tell him I was running late. I told him I hate that feeling and that's why i've tried texting him before (but didn't have much success with that).

On the drive up, i had been thinking that I tend to underestimate the time it will take to get out the door and any other erronds, like the coffee getting, that will take time before the actual driving to the appointment.

I also told him that, as far as my nerves and things go, I'd rather be late than early b/c i hate waiting. I'm impatient and get bored...and if I bring something along to do while waiting...I don't like to be interrupted in the middle of certian trains of thought. Like reading a book....anytime I'm reading something I have to find stopping point that feels natural to stop there for now. So if i'm in the middle of a paragraph and a doc finally calls me in...it's some type of an anxiety feeling I get....like being caught off-guard somehow, as odd as that sounds.

He also seems interested in talking about my tics. He thought that, like what I've read about some kinds of tics, that I could possibly try to supress the actual muscle jerks. I explained that I don't feel anything prior to the movement, my arm, leg, shoulder or whatever will just jerk, out of the blue. So there's no way i'd ever be able to suppress something I don't even know is about to happen.

I've also realized that I tend to tic more when stress or anxious...or even talking or thinking about the tics.

Then we moved to talking about my ups and downs. I was talking about being able to finally recognize my own hypomanic states and mixed states. For some reason, he was a little surprised that I'm able to do such while still hypo. That happened a few weeks ago also when i was talking about being hypo one day. He was intrigued then b/c he said most people don't see it until after. This time, I explained to him that it was difficult at first for me, but after learning more and being more tuned into my mood on a fully conscious level that I've learned how to recognize it within a few hours usually. And I also explained that the idea of 'mixed' episodes had still perplexed me over the last several years until quite recently and I'm starting to be able to identify them in myself as well. That first time he did say that I am much, much more educated about my mental illness than most patients. So I'm not sure if he was more surprised that I've educated myself enough to this point of being able to recognized my moods fully, while in them,....or something else.

I mean, I know that I've read most ECT patients don't remember much from shortly before going under....some don't remember the hours before and sometimes the whole day or more....but mostly docs talk about them not remember anything about the procedure, room or even the preparation for the treatment. I, however, am a huge exception to that common thought. As I've mentioned before....I remember everything from the minutes before I go under. I've even tried to describe to a few people the interesting feeling that happens right as i'm going under. It's almost 'feels' like a sound of going under water. And feels kinda like a whoosh. It's quite pleasant to me b/c just before I lose consciousness...it's the most relaxed feeling I can imagine. And I always leave my eyes open...as the first think is i start slowly blinking as it takes hold and quickly makes me sleepier and then I close my eyes shut when i can feel that I'm going under, right at that second. For some reason, I love it....even though i get anxious about it before hand - butterflies in my stomach and all. Maybe that's exactly why I love it so much....because it's a release of all that and a dip into pure oblivion. (now the waking up part of going under...ugh...so groggy and foggy and confusing for several minutes. They usually let me sleep for at least an hour tho...i only know that from the rare time mom went with me last time...and was bored, waiting for me to wake enough to be wheeled out the front door.LOL )

So maybe I'm a freak of nature in being able to recall such details about the experience of going under, but oh well.

Anyway, I plan to ask therapist when I see him next...as to more specifically why he seems so surprised about me being tuned into to my mood swings.

My sessions with him have also become more relaxed and flow much better. I'm starting to enjoy them a bit. I even mentioned to him yesterday that I liked the exchange of thoughts that we now do, much better than before when he rarely said anything and just let me talk until i was done with whatever I was saying...and then he'd STILL sit there silent....uncomfortable lengths of time until I'd think of some other possible topic to talk about.

Now I feel like i'm getting more out of our sessions.

-------
Anyway, pushing myself to get up, showered, dressed, coffee'd and to the appointment....jump started me for the rest of the day and I felt good (tho i still felt very close to tears a couple of times for absolutely no reason).

I got some paperwork done and called sis to see if she wanted to go play bingo. I went over to her house to wait for her and spend a little time with my nephews. And we left shortly after. I have some mixed feelings about allowing myself to go play bingo, because I know it's similar to gambling and most compulsive gamblers can't....but i kinda needed to do it as a test for myself.

I mean, it has always been more of a social thing for me...going with a family member usually. The last time it was several of us and I actually won a game while playing the paper bingo cards (which are harder so i usually pay extra for the electrolnic versions, that also offer more cards). It was a small bingo b/c a couple other people bingo'd at the same time. I still split it with my mom and only ended up with $36 or something, but it was fun.

Last night, I didn't win any games, but I didn't feel bad in anyway about it. I enjoyed it. I also was very set on NOT walking thru the doors of the bingo hall that go right into the casino side. My sister did 3 times tho....before, during intermission and after. I stayed in the hall the whole time. So I was also proud of myself for not being tempted to go over there with my sister.

And most of all....I didn't spend all the money I'd brought with me!!! That's a HUGE thing for any gambling addict. I had said, before hand, that I didn't want to spend the entire $30 i took with....and I was really happy about coming out with nearly $10 still in my purse. i could have easily bought more of the special games, which they do btwn every 2 regular games. We never play all the specials and i didn't vear from that.

I also realize I could easily be trying to rationalize that i can control my addiction, and i'm open to that possibility, but it just feels completely different for me to play bingo than playing the machines. If i'd have stuck a single dollar in a machine....I'd have left with nothing and then possibly try to go back later with one of the blank money orders I got yesterday to pay 2 bills...and then been there all night until I'd spent every cent....(or won a really nice amount, which almost never happens to me).

So....instead....my mind was free from any cravings/compulsions/obsessions about any of that....and so I was able to still meet up with my friend to go walking that evening liked we'd planned.

It was a nice day.

Oh, and my nephews were unusually lovey. the blond came up behind me while i was squatting and looking for one of my earings his brother said he found. And, while standing up, he leaned over my back to put his head on my shoulder, his thumb in his mouth and his other hand twirling my hair. Then he asked why I never stay the night anymore and why did I have to leave again...and then telling me, "I want you to stay for a week... just once." He said it with his hand by giving me the #1 sign with his finger. LOL I REALLY enjoyed that.

And my friend and I had a nice conversation while walking and for a bit after.

And I got to talk to Tena for several hours also. She was wide awake and it was still my normal awake time so we just chatted until, for a change, I got sleepy, LOL.

-----
the only negative affect from my nice day was a headache that won't go away. I actually woke this morning feeling awful...almost like having the most horrid and full-bodied hangover. I've actually never had a hangover like that so it probably felt closer to having been hit by a motorcycle at 40 mph. I feel better, but still have the giant headache.

i'm still hoping to get SOMETHING done around here before I go back to bed for the night.

EVEN my horescope is bugging me about it:

Tuesday, Oct 21st, 2008 -- It's time for you to get moving. You've had a few days to process your feelings and think about what's ahead, but now you cannot put off the inevitable. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment, take the first steps toward your predetermined goal. It may take you a while to get there, so don't delay any longer.



that pretty much sums up my outlook on my goals of getting a lot more things done around here before Tena and Danny arrive. I haven't been able to get off my butt to move boxes out of my bedroom so i can set the bed up and drench it in the loviliness of the rich textiles Tena picked out and sent to me. I really can't wait so I hope my energies from yesterday will stick around enough for me to get things things done that i really want to get done.

well, i've nearly typed a book here at SR in the past several hours....so...adios.

Jenna

[shutterbug]

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I can kinda see both sides. I can feel your stress building as the days pass and get closer to leaving time. Sometimes stress motivates me and sometimes it disables me. Perhaps right now, your body is telling you to get moving and his might be telling him it's too much to handle? We both know how emotions can affect us so is it possible his stress is shutting him down?

But, I would be absolutely furious if I was in your position and seeing the clock ticking with not much geting done unless you do it yourself! I would also feel so guilty if I was so stressed that my body was working against me....and my guilt would only add to my immobilization.

I'm can only talk from my experiences of being on both sides of myself, but obviously, his side of this is obviously weighing on the situation and creating a build-up of aggrivation btwn you (from what I can see, anyway). Since you both feel like family to me, I hate to see you guys butting heads. But I also don't know anyway to motivate him to push past whatever is going on in his head and body.

When i'm like that....the only thing that can move me is something that is so pressing that I absolutely HAVE to get myself up and moving right then or there will be serious conscequences by the end of the day. Knowing that a deadline is several days away...i usually feel so physically awful that I tell myself that when it gets down to the absolute wire....I can somehow force myself into superwoman gear and work straight through the nights and days to get it done.

Actually, that's almost exactly what happened the day of my move. I'd been so drained by the stress that I was immobilized until the final wire. Then....I pushed myself for 2 days straight without any sleep and only smoke breaks. I can't tell you how physically hard it was to move heavy boxes into the trailer that final day after exhausting myself already by packing those same boxes....but i did it. It was a very painful few days...but it got done....with my car packed so tight I and the least amount of space needed to still be able to drive! A baby mouse couldn't have even squeezed into the packing job i had to do!

The ONLY other way to get me upright and moving when i'm down like he's been (other than being literally dragged out of bed)....is espresso! It can get me awake enough to move a little and works long enough to sometimes keep me moving....although I often just have to down another 2-3 shots of espresso (mixed with milk and chocolate of course).

Has he given you any other explination besides his back? Is it possible he made his back worse when he did jump after the landlord dropped the hammer on you guys?

Really, all I know is that moving is stressful for nearly everyone...especially moving half-way across the country while dealing with the situations and events you guys have had to deal with. It's a lot. And I love you both and don't want to see any of this tear you guys apart or hurt your relationship in any way. I wish I could help somehow.

I love you,
Jenna

[liveweyerd]

You are welcome and I love that phrasing of drenching the bed in rich textiles, sounds sexy and inviting and luxurious. Now I cross my fingers that it looks and feels that way.

I hadn't thought of the Indian piece as wall art, but it sounds right, I haven't seen it you know. At first I meant it to be a spread for the canopy bed, then changed my mind about that...I have been looking at it for awhile...well a little photo. Then thought of it as a throw blanket in living room, but hey, you've seen it and I like the idea of it as wall art. Put some texture etc on the wall! Altho' I am thinking you have a canvas for the dining room and nothing substantial for the living room? What do you think? I don't know what I think. Most of it, I think I know where it goes, but the fun part will be playing with the pieces.
Shower in the roses, eh? Do we still need to get a mirror in there?

[liveweyerd]

I didn't get much sleep as you know. My responsibility.
He got up at 4:45.

Danny meet Tena the project manager, task master and all around Atilla the Hun.

We don't sit down and take cigarette breaks, we multi-task on the computer.

As I told you I would, I sat down in the middle of the floor and started packing boxes.

He volunteered to help. When I told him what to write on one box, he said I am still taping it and I quick answered "And you can't remember it that long?"

Meet your wife the bitch.

[nandm]

Tena, you brought a smile to my face picturing you sitting on the floor admist a myriad of boxes, packing material, and things to be packed with Danny standing over a box with the tape in hand. Then the "You Better Run And Hyde" side comes out and Danny just stands there tape in hand looking like he is seeing a puzzle for the first time.

Packing and moving can be such a stressful time even when one is looking forward to it. Try and remember that men don't think the same as women. Our brains just work differently than theirs. He is probably doing his best to help and many times men see that as just staying out of the way of the whirlwind that a woman is when she is setting a plan into motion.

Thank you for the beautiful vase by the way. It is perfect for my painting room. I will be donating my desk to Goodwill this weekend to make more room in what is to be my painting room. I hate to get rid of it as it is a cherrywood desk but it is so big it just needs to go.

Jenna, thanks for the nice text yesterday it brought a smile to my face.

to both of you

[shutterbug]

yep! I smiled also at that imagery. And I already know the bed will feel and look even better than I can describe.

I really thought I'd get some home stuff done 2day, but I ran errands and got home tired and cold so I snuggled up in the couch and watched t.v.

1. I was able to cash in my change. I thought i only had $8 in pennies max, but I had over $11 just in pennies. LOL. $16.40 in all. AND, I remembered I had several coffee punch cards and was able to combine them and get a free latte to boot! :P

When I was at the store using the change counting machine, I went to see how much their cat food was. (I'm almost out and miss priss that she is only likes one kind). Anyway, for SOME reason...walking thru a grocery store....it'd suddenly dawned on me that once again I haven't eaten in 3 days! lol. It's odd how I can just totally and completely forget to eat or not feel the least bit hungry for several days!

2. Anyway, I picked up a few things....including the yummiest piece of carrot cake. mmmmmmmm.....

3. Then went to the post office to re-mail my federal tax forms (signed this time), a partial payment for my COBRA and the most important today was my car insurance pymt. It HAD to be post-marked by today or else they were going to cancel me....the little buggers. lol

4. Then, it felt kinda nice out so i sat in my car, thumbing thru a catalogue f/today's mail...while calling and waiting on the phone for my gas company and cell company.

When my mom called to have my gas turned on....apparently she did'n't tell them it was a transfer...so I had 2 gas bills coming in...and the new one included a new deposit. So I called to see explain so that I don't have to dish out another $150. The lady tried, but couldn't find my initial deposit on record so she place a request for further research of my account.

And with my cell company....I was able to get more than $25 knocked off my total bill! LOL. The $6 they billed on the last stmt was easy, but the dufas on the other end kept getting that bill mixed up with the previous one and then finally told me any disputes have to be called about within 30 days of the last billing cycle. I thought that was nonsense...so I finally asked if someone higher up could possibly bypass that rule. He put me on with a manager who immediately told me she'd retract $20 off from that billing cycle (which was especially nice of her since the charges i was disputing was only $17.50 )

So I was REALLY glad I asked to speak to someone with more pull. I also asked her about a payment extension and there was no problem with that either. Actually, it was probably the best experience I've had when calling a company with an issue or concern.

5. AND....i just have to say HOW MUCH I LOVE THE RULES!! It's oh soooo great to have the guys stressing out instead of me!!! A nearby guy on the internet dating site I've been trying out (only met 2 in person so far, both sweet)...sent me one of the blah, pre-programmed quick messages....about a month oir 2 ago. Since that takes such little effort i never replied. A couple weeks ago he sent me an actual message. I stuck with the rules, waiting to reply, short responses and the final reply of 'there's not much more to tell really' when he started asking more questions and heading into the direction of the online pal thing. He immediately responded asking for my number and saying he'd like to meet for coffee. That was Sunday I think.

I've been more active the past few days so I really just hadn't gotten around to replying (well, and i also didn't want to reply at 2 or 3 a.m. on a week night). He looked up my myspace page (i'd previously given him the addy when he said he'd like to see my work sometime) and Monday he sent me a friend request. I approved it, but still didn't write him a reply. lol.

Apparently that freaked him out b/c today he sent a myspace message to me with the subject line of "Opps." His message started right off saying he hoped he had'nt offended me by asking for my number instead of giving me his...and saying he felt stupid for doing such. LOL. Then he said he'd re-thought going for coffee and said he'd rather go out to dinner or to a movie, or both.

I love it! This is the FUN way to date!! I don't obsess about any of it this way...often even totally forgetting for a few days. And it's fun to be able to learn more about the guy from what he says and me only giving brief answers to any questions....or no answers at all.

Anyway, Since this was his 3rd time trying to reach me in several days...I threw him a bone and replied. I told him I hadn't been offended, just busy. And said I'd actually love to have coffee for a first meeting. And gave him my #.

i actually am not even worried if he likes me or not at this point. I mean, it'd be nice b/c he sounds nice and like he has some things going for him (and I know he's obviously is at least a little self-conscious from his 'that was stupid' of him remark....which i see as a good thing since I'm so insecure and this 'says' he's not a cocky kinda frog.) Have I mentioned how fun I find this???? lol

6. I actually took a few minutes to look over all my bills and figure out what I need to pay, by when and in relation to when i will be able to pay each. It's going to be tight for a lil' while, but it looks like I'll be able to handle it without having to go to mom or sis for a loan. I think. If the IRS doesn't put all my refund toward my student loans...then I'll definetly be able to get things back on a smooth, yet conservative, path I can easily live with.

7. My lil' cousin actually replied to a text i sent her about our next 'walking' time and basically got the point across that I wouldn't be texting her anymore in the future like that....that she'll have to contact me if she's actually wanting to join in. I said in much softer language, but still was able to get my point across that I wasn't going to keep messaging her if she's not actually wanting to go with us...(Monday night was the 2nd time and she never even bothered to reply...so this was the 3rd notice i was giving her). Anyway....she 'says' she really does want to walk with us...so we'll see.

But she also replied this time with a bit of good news about her, our aunt's and cousin's living situations...that I was really glad to hear about.

8. It's damn cold tonight!!! That was suppose to happen last night, not tonight! Ugh. I thought i could get away with 2 small electric heaters, but it feels like it's dropped down into the 30's b/c of the cold front and storms that came thru....so I need to go light the gas heater....and then eat my yummy piece of cake that's waiting for me. ummmmmmm......

Hugs,
Jenna

p.s. Yes, my mood has definetly been improving this week. Finally! I just wish my body would fall in line as well! Standing for just 2 minutes in the post office line today...i noticed my legs felt soooo very weak and fatigued. But as i write that....I have to wonder if that might have something to do with me not eating a single bite of anything in 3 days? You think? .... apparently I'm a little slow sometimes.

[nandm]

p.s. Yes, my mood has definetly been improving this week.

Glad things are improving you have really had a rough go of it lately.

Finally! I just wish my body would fall in line as well! Standing for just 2 minutes in the post office line today...i noticed my legs felt soooo very weak and fatigued. But as i write that....I have to wonder if that might have something to do with me not eating a single bite of anything in 3 days? You think? .... apparently I'm a little slow sometimes.

Naw, I doubt not eating had anything to do with it....lol We need to get you one of those little alarm wristbands that tell you when to eat...just kidding. Seriously though our bodies, including our minds, need food for energy and to keep functioning properly. I know you already know that but I had to throw out the reminder. I may have to send you a care package with a little fresh ground coffee, chocolate chip cookies, and some tuna or something with protein in it.

Take care.

[liveweyerd]

Danny's remarks yesterday were very cruel. And he is being extremely selfish.
He's not much better this morning.

There is no excuse for that. And I was very hurt.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Danny's remarks yesterday were very cruel. And he is being extremely selfish.
He's not much better this morning.

There is no excuse for that. And I was very hurt.

thought you might need a hug, sorry the remarks hurt you so.

[shutterbug]

Hugs from me too Tena. I'm sorry to hear about his continued Bafoon-ness!

Nan, lol, thanks for thinking of us.

love ya both.

Jenna

[historyteach]

Good to see you feeling more chipper, Jenna!
Hope things continue to look up for you.

Tena,
I'm sorry that you were hurt...
You don't deserve it.

Shalom!

[liveweyerd]

NO, I do not deserve that kind of behavior. And it is over the line as far as I am concerned.
I felt very badly, just trying to get the show on the road and some work done and was met with that kind of behavior. I was quite hurt and upset.

He feels very badly about it today. Apologized, but I said words whisper, actions shout and there was no excuse for it.

So today we got about business, still so much to do!

[shutterbug]

Tena...Glad to hear he appologized. I hope things continue to get better. Keep us updated. Sorry I haven't called in a couple of days. Frankly, I don't remember much from this week at all. I think I'm trying not to think about much so I don't get stressed out and then end up more depressed.

But today kinda forced me. I got a nice stmt from the bank telling me a charge of $5.99 was returned. I haven't used my checking account in nearly 2 weeks now so I was really thinking someone had hacked my account. But then, I logged into my e-mail which informed me that the 1-2 foot, flexible tripod I got for such a great deal of $5.99 was the culprit. I still don't understand it AT ALL! I paid for everything on Oct. 11...and everything went thru my account (as far as I know). I was actually expecting to get the tripod in the mail any day! For some reason, my paypal said the first payment was canceled...and then my paypal account tried to process it again yesterday or the day before? I don't understand.

So now I'm definetly going to have to get a full print out of all my bank activity surrounding my messing up and going into the negative...and figure out what all I've been charged for...because I shouldn't be in the negative as much as I am. If anything...I was pretty certain I'd only messed up by $75-$100.

Anyway...so that set off my day into a depressed state. I started letting it get to me, but then decided to push it out of my head for today since there was nothing i could do about any of it today...so why let it stress me more for today?

So, I baby sat my nephews while my sister went to the city to hang out with a bunch of work friends. She said she'd be back by 10:30 p.m. so I could still go walking w/ my friend. But...in her usual way...she called making making a request for me to stay longer so she'd be able to go to the club with them.

i really didn't mind, but I'm tired of seeing her do that crap to me, her ex and my mom constantly. The boys were pretty good for me most of the evening...with only a few minor bumps. The dark-haired one was refusing to put on his night-time pants, whining and complaining about them being itchy and uncomfortable. It took me about 15 minutes, but I finally got him to keep them on and get into bed.

Sis said they'd go right to sleep if I laid down with them in her room. I was actually impressed to hear that come out of her mouth about them going to bed anytime before midnight! But....she forgot to tell me to make sure the dog doesn't lay in the bed with us. The dark-haired nephew has this odd thing where he loves the little dog to lick on his feet, legs and sometimes his arms....for sometimes as long as 1/2 an hour!! But especially when he's laying down. He's practically trained the dog to do this b/c he keeps putting his legs and feet in the dogs face until it starts licking him again. WHO KNOW why my nephews are so weird sometimes....but they are.

So...because of that...i couldn't get either of them to be still long enough to go to sleep. It was only AFTER the dog refused to like the one anymore...that he finally got still while i rocked him a little (his had was laying in my right arm) and he finally went to sleep like his brother had done 20 minutes prior. All-in-all it took me about an hour to get them both to sleep.

As aggrivating as it was to keep telling them to stop talking and close their eyes...it was still sweet. The dark-haired one isn't usually cuddly with me, often even pushing my arm away when I've wrapped it around him in a hug while watching t.v. But tonight, he was actually being more cuddly than his brother usually is with me (who's usually attached to my hip whenever i'm there). AND, the dark-haired one gave me 1 kiss on the cheek when we were watching t.v. And 2 kisses when i was trying to get him to sleep. When I told him thank you for the kiss...he told me his daddy also gives him kisses. lol. I've actually never seen his daddy be affectionate with them like that...so it was nice to hear my nephew tell me his dad has been at least a little bit lately.

ohhhhhh.....this, i just DON'T understand! I'm totally convinced that my sister NEVER washes her hands after using the bathroom or anything!!! AHHH!! I had figured such before b/c rarely did she even have hand-soap in the kitchen, but she finally did with some Pampered Chef stuff that actually smelled gross to me...and when i asked her if it smelled good to her...she got another kind soon after. BUT they both disappeared after that and have never been replaced.

But mostly....she had some soap in her bathroom, but it was running out....and still the same amount of running out each week I visited until she finally threw it away. BUT since then....there's been absolutely NO soap anywhere on her large bathroom counter! ICKY!! And never even any hand towels around to dry any person's hands who still might try to wash! It makes it kinda gross to think about when she cooks food for her Pampered parties for all the strangers to sample, but maybe she at least uses dish washing soap or something for those occasions? Gosh....she'd KILL me if she knew I'd just written about this online, even tho it is anonymous!

---
oh...and i've figured out why i haven't been as motivated as before to work on getting anything done around here lately.........set my computer back up! Before then....I could only watch SO MUCH t.v. before I needed to stimulate my brain in some other way....which almost always was doing something beneficial like going thru paperwork and reciepts for taxes or working to move stuff or paint or pull up old carpet or whatever.

So i guess....i'm going to try to stay off the computer, especially SR, for a few days or a week....tho i'm not sure i'm going to really be able to do that. I might actually have to go as far as unplugging all the connection lines so as to turn it into more of a chore for me to even log on anything. lol

Sometimes it totally amazes me at the things i have to do...just to make myself do...the things i already know i need to do!!!!

hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Oh...and not eating for more than 3 days...lost me 7 pounds. But last time i lost from not eating i put most of it right back on. Hopefully that won't happen this time...as I'd REALLY like to get back under 200 and I'm only 13 pounds away now. I did eat that piece of cake last night tho...half then and the other half this morning. Then my sis's ex cooked dinner shortly after my arrival tonight to watch the boys...so i had a full meal. However, I kinda feel that this low-appetite phase might last a bit longer....a great thing in my eyes!

[liveweyerd]

wall hanging...YES!!!!

I have found bedspread for guest room.

[shutterbug]

How did today go Live?

All i got done was a getting a few groceries and walking w/ the friend. I only went to grocery store b/c i woke craving thier carrot cake...and the craving kept bugging me ALL day. So i finally went...only to be disappointed b/c all the carrot cake pieces were gone. i had to settle for a piece of pumpkin spice cake...not even close to being as good as the carrot.

My friend called about going walking or not tonight. This was the 3rd time...and neither of us wanted to, but, like the other 2 times, we just made ourselves. The first time we walked a mile, 2nd was a 1/2 mile....this time was less than a 1/2....but at least we went, i guess. It was quite chilly tho.

I'm so sick of not being able to make myself do anything around here tho. Each day...i hope for more energy the next day....never comes. i really hate it. I hate not feeling good about being able to get anything done. i hate feeling so lazy and worthless.

I'm depressed. I try not to let it get to me, but it does.

I even got my camera body in the mail today....even that didn't help lift my mood any. Just as flat as usual. I mean, i'm glad it came so that i don't have to worry about it anymore. But yesterday, the $45 lens i bought arrived...and as I feared....it doesn't work with this camera. I'm still hopeful that I might can buy some kind of adapter ring or something to make the 2 connect, but if not...i guess i can just try to sell it off to someone else. I also got the shutter release cord today....and it's not compatable either, even tho it said it would work with Nikons. Ugh.

At least I got several text messages from the latest internet dating pet project, including a "good morning" and others throughout the day. I only responded to 2 of them...the final being when he asked what day did i want to meet for coffee. I told him next Friday. The next step is to see if he's willing to drive the 25 minutes to actually meet me in my own town for it. However, I'm a little reluctant about even meeting for coffee. I mean, the last date wasn't too difficult on me that he didn't show interest after meeting me....but i feel that it would sting a little more the 2nd time. I mean, it's nice having a 'possibility' of a guy acting interested....especially when i'm acting the opposite with him. It's nice waking up to 2 text messages from a guy with possible potential. So I think, that's the part that makes me feel slightly good...and when we meet and probably sees he's not attracted to the me in person....then that will be gone.

oh well, i suppose it will help me continue to stay detached from anyone who shows the slightest interest.

I just haven't been able to keep from thinking about how much easier it would be going thru all this crap in my life right now...if there was actually a guy truely interested in me, at least a little. It would help lift my mood and motivation and feel better about myself and help me have more positive thoughts of my future (not b/c of him....just b/c of ANY decent guy actually liking me). It really hurts being so undesirable for so long and feeling like i'm a relationship leper.

anyway....back to being lazy in front of the t.v. ....what a wonderful life i have!

Jenna

[liveweyerd]

We were both depressed yesterday and got very little done. And getting squat done makes me feel crummy today.

Up way early, out of cigs.

Not in the best of moods!

And I wish/need ebay items to be selling better.

BLAH!

Course, going to hospital to find out results of Danny's biopsy Monday is hanging over our heads too!

No way we will be out by the first.

At least Dayna mailed my leather rug yesterday!

[liveweyerd]

As you know, I usually wake up feeling GOOD. This morning I was sad, worried, stressed and depressed. NO energy at all. Felt like giving up. And my back hurt.

I took a two hour nap in the new home, which has a decent mattress and box springs and woke feeling much better. Have almost got the main bedroom in order, even tho' that means moving unsorted stuff (clothes, clothes, clothes, more clothes) to the guest room. But I put on the new bedspread and shams, have the new curtain up, a matching picture frame on the nightstand and a lamp. A few more trips and it will be cleaned out, then I can wash it down and close the door.

The leather rug was sent priority and I got it today all ready! YAY!

[liveweyerd]

Danny is so depressed, he is lifeless as a corpse. Keeps making hopeless statements regarding anything, everything.

I know he is scared and worried about the biopsy. I am worried too.

Back in 04, I think, I saw a dentist who pointed out a spot in my mouth and identified it as cancer. I was sent to a specialist who said there was nothing.

In 07, I was told I had a spot on my lung. Turned out to be a calcium deposit.

I do think Danny will have to have surgery.

He got out of bed for 3 hours this evening. No conversation...just general doom and gloom. Won't even look at me.
That is really hard on me.

This may sound awful, but I was glad he went back to bed.
The main bedroom now just needs vacuuming, the chair gone over with the vacuum hose and maybe a lint brush, the walls washed (easy!)

I really need him to photograph some things to list.

And with just some help, I really think I could clear this place out in time.

You know me, I've got coffee made,,,,,,the kind with caffeine. Too bad the boom box is in storage!

[shutterbug]

Sorry to hear about all the doom and gloom. The stress sounds so heavy. Hopefully Monday will hurry up and get here and you both will be able to move forward from whatever the news is. Limbo is always one of the hardest places to be...both physically and mentally.

I've mostly been a lump on a log. As much as I love the changes of seasons...they always affect me.

i'm glad you've been able to get so much done. I can only imagine how good that part feels....since it's been a while since i've completed anything substantial.

i'm sorry to hear you've been feeling so rough also...but glad the nap on the new bed helped.

I did actually get myself moving today straight out of bed, but couldn't get much completed at all before i pooped back out. I was disappointed in myself. Previously....getting myself going was the hard part...and then i built steam as i went. Well....the steam built up in my brain today....as i could see exactly what i needed to move and to where....under the goals of some kind of organizational storage right now...and getting things out of the way as completely as possible while still keep things functional.......

....but knowing what to do...and imagining even doing it.....didn't help one bit today. I ended up right back in bed.....and about to fall back asleep until sis called about going out to eat with them. i asked how long i had to get dressed and meet them somewhere....she informed me she was parked in my drive-way already. Sigh.

I scrambled. got dressed. and ran by the nearest place i knew of to cash last week's check so to have some funds to pay for my meal. (I'd been needing to do that anyway ...and still need to get and mail a money order for 95% of the check to my COBRA). Actually, the check I'll get at the first part of this coming week....will be the first in weeks that i'll have a LITTLE bit of freedom with.....but by that....i mean it's not all going to have to go to just 1 or 2 bills. I'll have a little flexibility on what bills i pay and how much.

What I've learned is to divide everything up....get money orders for each of the bills i'm to pay....then with whatever I have left....i by a carton of cigs and a tank full of gas. LOL Groceries come 4th on the list after Pepsi and Tea (or 5th on the list if i need toilet paper LOL).

I actually like things this way. It's simple. I don't gamble. I don't spend money on frivilous things i don't need, but just want or find on sale. Simple is best for me right now.

So...right now...i'm simply going to heat up tonights left-over's box, fix a glass of soda and resume my 'bump on a long' worthless activities....and sleep.

hugs,
Jenna

[nandm]

I actually like things this way. It's simple. I don't gamble. I don't spend money on frivilous things i don't need, but just want or find on sale. Simple is best for me right now.

I find that my life is much better when my finances are limited as well. I am the worst about just blowing it on nothing or giving it away when I have more than I need to meet my bills. M gets quite frustrated with me as she is very frugal with money. Being BPII spending sprees are a fact of life for me even with the meds. That is not a good thing for someone who has been unemployed two years now and is a full time student. Fortunately M has helped me to put some money in savings when I get my student financial aid money and such that way I will still have enough to pay my bills when my unemployement runs out next week. One good thing is Cymbalta now has a generic form which means rather than $100 with insurance I should be able to go to the generic form and pay considerably less. I am hoping it will work as well as the regular Cymbalta.

I am really glad to see your posts lately as you appear to be feeling considerably better. I was quite concerned about you for a while. It can be quite discouraging what you have had to go through in the past few years I am sure. I am glad you finally were able to get back on your meds. I know that for me some days are hard enough with the meds, I sure wouldn't want to try and do it without them.

On another note. I am starting to get excited at the thought of my daughter having a baby. She is due in May which is neat since my birthday is May 24th. I bought her some prenatal vitamins yesterday and am going to make up a care package of food and such to send to her. She is craving chocolate. I craved Carmelo candy bars when I was pregnant with her. Hopefully I will be able to be working again (if the PTSD therapist can help) or on disability by then so I can hopefully fly out and when she has the baby. I still think I am too young to be a grandma though, I am only 43. But the gray in my hair says different.....lol

I finished a painting for my art class. It is in a style I only did once and that was in an art class in 1984. Kind of a muted, soft, landscape style but I think I like it. I can see myself doing more work like it. I will take a picture of it soon and post it to get all of your thoughts on it.

[shutterbug]

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere, over the rainbow
Way up high.
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Those lyrics from The Wizard of Oz have been running thru my head lately. I couldn't wish for anything more than the words in those lyrics.

----
And, lately...as in the past few nights...i've been dreaming of 2 things - carrot cake and boys. LOL Both sweet dreams, most of the time.

the carrot cake....yep....craving it lately. I had PB & J today instead. lol

The boys...well, i haven't remembered most of the dreams or much from them, except last night. I had at least 2 distinct dreams.

The 1st...I was apparently 1 of 3 girls being considered by one guy....like some kind of reality show or something, but it wasn't a show. He made me feel I had a good chance of being the one he was going to choose, but after a couple days of him not asking to spend any time with me (a disappearing act) I found out why. Apparently, he'd secured a 4th he'd grown closer with and intended to replace me with her. It felt like a huge betrayal. The rest is fuzzy, but i think i went on an anger spree of spewing my agression outword thru cursing and throwing things around at him (pillows, i think, lol).

The 2nd....seemed set more in an Olympic setting or something. An old interest from high school, was competing. I was watching it on a television from backstage or something with his best friend...and also a competitor. Mean while, we talked about us all knowing each other years ago...and I sensed he was interested. He didn't win, so it was the best friend's turn. I don't remember much else from the dream except a 'feeling' that when he went to compete...he performed flawlessly and won. And I also was left with a feeling that there'd be something further between us. lol

background from my real life:....I knew them both in high school, and both were, hunky muscle-bound wrestlers. I always felt that the old interest had been one of the great potential guys of my life I'd lost out on. He'd had a girlfriend when we met, but told a friend (during a church service actually, lol) that if he didn't he would want to be with me. During driver's ed....he was no longer with his g/f....and we seriously flirted the entire month of the class...to the point of that he'd sometimes start tickling me...so that i'd tickle him back...and he'd then have an excuse to grab my hand and hold it for much of that day's class. VERY found memories....he was one of the 'healthy' guys i'd never actually had a chance to get any closer to.

Why? I'm not sure why we didn't start going out then. We even played a game one day where we each asked each other how many letters was in the name of the person we liked. He said 8....the number in my full name i went by. But i was too chicken to tell the numbers in the name i liked....b/c he had only 4 letters in his name and I thought that too obvious. LOL. I remember being disappointed that he never asked me out or anything...but can't remember anything more. ......his best friend.....he was quite gorgeous also, but i was too focused on the other to pay much attention. However, in one of my old journals from about that time...I wrote of a guy who kissed me totally unexpectedly...by the same name as my interet's best friend. It could have easily been a guy from my home church group tho. I just don't remember.

Anyway....i think this second dream is a result of me coming across the best friend's myspace page about a week ago. I can't do a friend request...b/c he requires people to know his last name for them to request him as a friend or send a message. I remember my old interet's last name....but not not his. They are both WAY WAY out of my league now...as they are still gorgeous muscle-bound guys and i'm nothing like what i was then. I'm even assuming they are both married by now....I'd just like to be able to ask the best friend about my old interest. And am aggrivated that I can't remember his last name to be able to ask. And aggrivated that i haven't even come across my old h.s. yearbook either, which would tell me.

--> I realize all this is stupid and childish....It'd just be fun to chat with one or both of them.
--> Also...it seems kinda like the 2 dreams might have a connection....of me always being left behind or rejected by those i care for...usually for someone or something else.

silly, silly......but at least i'm not writing of really depressive things today. lol

I slept, and slept and slept today. I thought i might end up sleeping nearly 24 hours straight, but here i am...up. It was a rough waking though.

----
Also, the guy I'm set to have coffee with on Friday...is showing to be a really sweet one...so far. He sends me a nice message everyday, regardless of if i ever respond or not.

I will have to do something to change the Friday thing tho....i hadn't realized it is Halloween. My sister has actually invited me to a party that night with some of her old high school friends- ones that she's actually kept in touch with all these years and whom i'm familiar with from partying with them back in the day also.

I don't know what to tell this guy about Friday...or what day to try to change it to. I also kinda feel bad about expecting him to drive the 25 minutes to meet me just for coffee.....but at the same time...i don't have much faith that he'll like me so therefore i'll actually be saving him from having to be stuck with me thru an entire meal or movie or anything.

I guess I could ask him to switch to Saturday around 4 p.m. or so (that way i might have gotten over any lingering hang-over from the party, lol)....and also, if he does, by some miracle, end up interested in me...we could always go do something in addition to coffee.

i have my next therapy appointment tomorrow (monday) afternoon....and i'm hoping it'll motivate me like it did last week for the day.

That's all the balony and babbling i have for now. lol

Jenna

[nandm]

mmmmmhhhhhmmmm, carrot cake.......that sounds wonderful. You now have me looking forward to a week from Wednesday when M's sponsor celebrates her 12th AA birthday. She wants carrot cake so we will buy her one from Costco. They have the most wonderul tasting cakes. A buttercream frosting with a creamy filling......my mouth is watering thinking about it..

I hope your appt goes well tomorrow. I finally am thinking there may be hope for this PTSD stuff with this new therapist. I am so fortunate to have found one that specializes in PTSD. I would love to get back to work. Take care and enjoy your date with the new man. It is sweet that he texts you each day even when you don't respond. That shows he is a caring person.

[shutterbug]

Thanks Nan, Glad to hear about M helping with the security net. What are you studying? Good to hear you are exited about the grandbaby...perhaps the baby will be born on your birthday! That'd be cool.

I'd actually be excited to get to be a grandmother. I don't think i'll ever get a chance to be a real mom, let alone a grandma. It's a special thing in my book. And I'm 32...so I don't have long until the gray hair myself. I just hope i can at least enjoy one or two relationships before then. I can't afford to get much older or else i'll end up lonely and celibet (sp?) for the rest of my life (which probably won't be past 45). Sounds fun huh!!!

Seriously, you have a lot to be happy about there. I hope you get to be there when the baby is born.

And i look forward to seeing pics of the paintings.

....yeah, it's been interesting. I was at my sister's Thursday and didn't even think of gambling once until the moment i was leaving...and it was quickly fleeting. And I hadn't thought about it since...until today when I realized just that...that' I haven't thought about gambling in days....and the few times I have in the past couple weeks haven't been any sort of strong cravings.

I still plan to go back to at least a few more G.A. meetings for a while, just to make sure, but I've got $260 cash in my wallet right now (since yesterday), which i will be going to get a money order with in the morning to send in the $245 left in my Oct payment. But, even knowing i can't blow that money, or else, wouldn't be a good enough reason to keep a true compulsive gambler from blowing it all in one night.

I'm a bit aggrivated that I'm now returning back to obsessing more over guys and relationships, current or past, but no matter how silly my thoughts are there....THAT doesn't destroy my life....just makes me look like a big, desperate goof. And i'd rather be that than broke and depending on others. That's.....very scary for an independant person like me. I hate feeling like i'm depending on my mom by living in this crummy house....even tho it would still be sitting empty for years, and crumbling worse, if i wasn't in it right now. I guess that's a feeling i can thank my father for....the man who'd rather yell at his children and make them feel awful for needing lunch money.....b/c he was too proud to enroll them in the free lunch program. Thanks dad....for then....and now.

Jenna

[nandm]

I am thinking that when Tena and Danny get there they will keep you too busy to think about gambling or anything else. She is such a lovely lady. You are fortunate to have such a friend. I am fortunate to call her a friend as well.

I can relate somewhat to your "desperation" about relationships. I think that is why most of my life I have jumped into relationships quickly rather than just dating and being friends for a while. I was the one who wanted to bring the U-Haul on the second date.....:rof It is no wonder most of my relationships ended poorly. Actually, in retrospect I did not have many relationships. I married the guy I dated all through high school. Stayed married to him for 6 years. Then dated a man for 5 years (didn't move in with him or marry him because he lived with his mother and also he didn't want that). Then dated a woman and moved in with her (in about a month) for 3 years. Then dated my second husband. Got pregnant the first time we had sex so married him about 2 months after we met. The things getting too drunk and having blackouts will do for me.....God I don't miss that. Stayed married to him for 2 years. Then went back to live with the woman for another 3 years. Then met a woman online, spent one week with her out her and moved the 2400 miles here within a couple of months. That only lasted 6 months before I found out the only reason she had me move here was to try and make her ex jealous so she would come back. I was rather relieved though even though it hurt because I wasn't in love with her. I met M within a couple months of the breakup and moved in with her nearly 9 months after we met but basically spent all my time at her house anyway before that. She did not want to live together but finally changed her mind when she realized that we really were since I was there all the time anyway. We have been together nearly 8 years now and she is the first person I can actually see myself with 20 years from now. I have finally found real love, a mutual trust and respect type love rather than the needy, lonely "love" I had always felt. I was 35 when we met. In retrospect I can see how lonely I truly was even when in relationships. I am fortunate that I finally accepted my alcoholism and found the program of AA because between the tools AA has given me as well as a lot of positive self help type books I have finally found that I am no longer lonely. Although I do not want to lose M, today I know that I can handle being alone today.

I hope that makes some sense.