Bipolar/Depression Journal Part VI

[shutterbug]

back up and feeling a little better now.

i actually got the trash taken out and a few things picked up....and put vinager in a spray bottle to attack the ants with. The place is still a mess, but it's a start.

Thanks for the phone message today Tena. I have a list of community services that i looked over several weeks ago...and if i remember correctly, most require you to buy the food package for a lowered price or something similar. I'll have to read over it again tho. But i got enough t.v. dinners to last me a while. And i'll file my weekly claim on Sunday, so I should get that check by Tuesday or Wednesday and be back in the positive. Really, i'm just praying i get my federal tax refund so i can pay my COBRA. I have about 10 more days before it has to be mailed or i'll be in big trouble. But i think i can make it.

Jenna

p.s. Tena, check your e-mail. I'm going to send a photo or 2.

[liveweyerd]

Danny and I were just sitting here a little while ago discussing how best to help.
There are government programs and church programs. We have utilized both.
In Florida the Salvation Army administers the government commodities.

I am disappointed that we did not get more done today.

I took a nap again, so will be up late.

We are watching Phil Collins Farewell Concert right now.

[shutterbug]

thanks...call if are still up and would like to. i'll be up for a while.

[liveweyerd]

I am actually so damned irritated about so little getting done today.

I have put all but one book on suicide etc for sale, but bought one that I am reading now and finding important. So I am going to go to bed and read in it, it speaks to me and I can't read in bed, one of my favorite things unless I go to bed before Danny...he can't stand the light.

Tomorrow is a new day.

[shutterbug]

Well, slowly, but surely...i'm starting to come back out of the dark a little. Having my Provigil is SUCH a big help with this. Man, if I could have had Provigil 4 years ago!!!

But I'm still sleeping too much. A post by a new person to the forum made me consciously think about my sleep apnea issues....so it's another motivator for me to get the boxes out of the back bedroom and set up my real bed and my sleep apnea machine. I also need a new mask...as mine is at least a couple years old now and doesn't stay on as well while i'm asleep.

I started to work on clearing out that room, but realized i needed to go to my GA meeting instead. I hadn't gone to the other 2 this week and nearly talked myself out of going today, but i made it.

It got me thinking about what possible things I can come up with to do with myself and my time when I'm craving walking into a casino?

This is all I've come up with so far:

- crotching (although i don't remember enough to actually do that right now)
- Play Station games
- reading (tired of reading)
- starting up a depression/bipolar support group in my town, which doesn't have a single one right now...(but i don't have enough energy for that just yet)
- I DON'T KNOW!!

Actually, a job would probably be the best thing right now, because of the structure i would have back in my life.

I don't know....i don't want to journal about it any more.

[liveweyerd]

The bad guy "friend" showed up at the door yesterday...about the boat motors, we were napping and Danny didn't get to the door in time, so he just showed up early this morning. I heard him say "I want those motors." Fine. He was supposed to pick them up last week and we waited all day. I am glad we didn't catch the door yesterday, doesn't anyone know what a phone is? All I had to say to Danny was, make sure you get that payment check back before you unlock the doors.
Will be glad to have him out of our lives!!!! He loaned us money, we needed it, we couldn't pay it off in time, he doesn't want payments now, and he is no friend. We are pretty sure he has the motors sold...to people that owe us money and claimed to be such friends! Yeah, right!
Being "sick" doesn not equate with stupid! LMAO

[nandm]

Live, it is a shame about the motors but to be rid of the guy it will be worth the loss. Glad the boat is sold that is fantastic.

Jenna, have you filed for disability yet? If not you can do it online just go to the SSI website. The sooner you get it filed the sooner they should be able to help you. Even if you wind up getting a job before you get disability at least you will have covered your bases. I thought of this when I read your list of things you can do when you are bored. Another thing you can add is getting your resume and portfolio together and in great shape to make the best impression possible when applying for jobs. Glad the medication is starting to allow you to see some light.

Take care everyone, I am headed out to the beach with the dogs.

[shutterbug]

i can't apply for SSI if i plan to go thru with a lawsuit. That's what the atty told me.

I already have my resume and portfolio together. Granted, I'd like to work a bunch more on my online portfolio, but this computer has a virus or something and won't let me do the kinds of things i'd need to for that.

Thanks tho, you never know.

[liveweyerd]

I thought the boat sale was finalized, it isn't...but I believe in my heart it will be.

I am glad the motors business is over with! You are right, NandM, I prefer the financial loss!

I have got to quit stressing myself until I am stressing over stressing!

[shutterbug]

Why do many of us spend our youth wanting to hurry up and get older...and our adult years wishing we could go back in time to our younger days?

I was stupid and oblivious, but half-happy in my late high school and early college days, before i got fat. Then life started going downhill. reality.

What was it about those days that I remember being enjoyable? Perhaps constantly being around people my age...day and night? My freshman year they ran out of room on the girls side of the dorm so I ended up with a few other lucky gals on the only co-ed floor on campus. Soon after, my roommate moved into her fiance's room where they lived together for the rest of the school year before moving into their own place and getting married.

Life was full of...well, life. Even at the college i transfered to after that year. I spent most of my first semester in my boyfriend's room, a guy i still think about, but who decided he needed to go back to his home state after that semester.

There were parties and eating with friends and going on trips and working in the dorm computer lab, where during the 3 a.m. shift I sometimes actually laid down on the floor under the reception desk and took a nap....hey, it was 3 a.m.!

I went out dancing and learned, not only how to line dance, but became a better two-step dancer and even learned how to waltz. My dance partner was a smart, and kinda cute, little guy who was my best friend in many ways. There was never anything between us, but there was a chemistry that we never even talked about. I was a little sad when he announced that his new girlfriend was pregnant and they were getting married.

Life slowly erroded....one guy after the next.
I can actually say that i wish it was a guy now that was causing my life to erode.

And I had a giant goal of graduating college that kept me going and pushing forward. It was a real goal that I knew exactly what I had to do to get there.

Then after, I still had a goal in sight of working for a newspaper as a full-time photographer, which i accomplished. But now, after being fired from my 2 post-graduation newspapers because of my mental illnesses....I know i can't go back to that world.

As a part of my unemployment, i have to do 2 work searches each week. I actually found a local listing in the city that sounds like a great job...as a graphic designer. I really don't have as much experience as they might be looking for, but I sent my best work sample along with my resume (a photo illustration that i did for a difficult story concept that turned out so great that the page designer covered nearly the entire front page with it, only leaving a single row at the bottom of the page for the story to begin. It won first place in a state newspaper contest for the page design catagory....which the page designer got to take credit for slapping my hours of work onto the page. But the point is, I've done some of that type of work, just don't know if i've done enough to be what they are looking for.

And the other point? If i got that job, it would take me out of the newspaper biz....which is hard for me to swallow. That's what I know. I know that if I really, really wanted to....I could push myself enough to become a great enough photojournalist to work for the New York Times. But what would even be the point in that? Up-root my life just so another paper can fire me after a couple years when I end up sick and in the hospital again??

I don't think so.
I think all my years of pushing myself sooooo hard to get where I have....has left me shattered, broken and out of strength.

I don't feel a driving force any more.
I don't feel a hope of finding such a fairy tale as a 'soul mate' anymore.
I don't feel a possiblity of ever ending up 'the successful one' in my family.
I don't feel a desire to use my struggles to help others any more.

I do feel the tears.
i do feel the hopelessness.
i do feel the loneliness.
I do feel the unattractive-ness and undesireable-ness of myself and life.
I do feel walked all over and pushed aside at the same time.
I do feel the weight upon my shoulders of all the 1,000's in student loans i owe.

Life itself is just one big gamble isn't it?!
People say to just 'keep pushing forward' and 'things will get better' and 'who knows what you'd miss if you weren't here.'
But I see the probablity that pushing forward just makes a person more tired and that things DON'T always get better, sometimes they even get worse, and if i wasn't around then i wouldn't be here to be missing anything, but I damn sure will be here for all the suffering that happens while waiting for a small token of happiness to come along.

tonight, i thought i'd play solitaire on my computer for a while to take my mind off things and to have something to do besides watch t.v., but after searching and searching....all my computer has is chess. I don't know how to play chess and even back when i kinda did...i never liked it much.

reading...i'm tired of reading. It's actually depressing for me to try right now, which i have.
and i can't even play the online games like my mom does b/c my computer isn't fast enough or something.

i keep trying to talk myself into doing something productive around this place, but i don't listen to myself very well when i feel like this...when everything feels like a chore, even making a t.v. dinner or going pee.

So i just sit here, hoping something pops up in my e-mail box to peek my brain a little or i lay on the couch smokind cigerette after cigerette and hour after hour of t.v.

What a life huh?
It would be more fun to actually be locked up in a mental ward!

whatever.

[shutterbug]

reading a little about OCD, which led to information about tics that are commonly associated with OCD....which led to me reading about ECT and this link talks about the part of the brain (which is the part that makes ECT successful) and how it can affect people. (lab rats born without it usually die shortly after birth).

Brain-derived neurotrophic factor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

on the page about ECT there is this interesting quote:

American psychotherapist Martha Manning's autobiographical Undercurrents[84] acknowledges the downside of treatment: "I felt like I'd been hit by a truck for a while, but that was, comparatively speaking, not so bad," as well as the upside: "Afterwards, I thought, do regular people feel this way all the time? It's like you've not been in on a great joke for the whole of your life."

Electroconvulsive therapy - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
If my current state of depression continues or gets worse, I will talk to my pdoc about his thoughts on my going back inpatient to get another round (6-12) of treatments.

i don't want to live like this anymore than i have to.

[shutterbug]

and 2 more personal quotes:

[quote]In his autobiographical book Electroboy, American writer Andy Behrman describes undergoing ECT as a treatment for bipolar disorder while under house-arrest: "I wake up thirty minutes later and think I am in a hotel in Acapulco. My head feels as if I have just downed a frozen margarita too quickly. My jaws and limbs ache. But I am elated."[85]

Curtis Hartmann, a lawyer in western Massachusetts, stated: "ECT, a treatment of last resort for severe, debilitating depression, is all that has ever worked for me. I awaken about 20 minutes later, and although I am still groggy with anesthesia, much of the hellish depression is gone. It is a disease that for me, literally steals me from myself

[shutterbug]

okay....stupid computer keeps cutting off that post....trying again...

ARGGGGGG!!!!

And again.....
5th freaking try!!!!!!

and 2 more personal quotes:

In his autobiographical book Electroboy, American writer Andy Behrman describes undergoing ECT as a treatment for bipolar disorder while under house-arrest: "I wake up thirty minutes later and think I am in a hotel in Acapulco. My head feels as if I have just downed a frozen margarita too quickly. My jaws and limbs ache. But I am elated."

Curtis Hartmann, a lawyer in western Massachusetts, stated: "ECT, a treatment of last resort for severe, debilitating depression, is all that has ever worked for me. I awaken about 20 minutes later, and although I am still groggy with anesthesia, much of the hellish depression is gone. It is a disease that for me, literally steals me from myself, a disease that executes me and then forces me to stand and look down at my corpse. Thankfully, ECT has kept my monster at bay, my hope intact."

That last part is how I feel. It's as if someone has stolen or executed all the good, or even semi-good, from me and my life. It's a very hollow and hideous feeling/life.

[shutterbug]

Ureka! gosh darn - symbol!

[shutterbug]

A list of famous people who have undergone ECT. None of the books i've read told of Judy Garland receiving ECT so I found that intersting.

This article or section seems to contain embedded lists that may require cleanup.
To meet Wikipedia's style guidelines, please help improve this article by: removing items which are not notable, encyclopedic, or helpful from the list(s); incorporating appropriate items into the main body of the article; and discussing this issue on the talk page. (June 2008)

* Antonin Artaud, French playwright[97]
* Miles Buchanan, brother of Australian actress Simone Buchanan
* Paulo Coelho, author of The Alchemist [98]
* Kitty Dukakis, wife of former Massachusetts governor and 1988 Democratic presidential nominee Michael Dukakis and author of Shock,[99] a book chronicling her experiences with ECT.[83]
* Thomas Eagleton, US senator and vice presidential candidate[100]
* Roky Erickson, American singer, songwriter, harmonica player and guitarist.[101]
* Janet Frame, New Zealand writer and poet.[102]
* Romulus Gaita, father of Australian philosopher Raimond Gaita
* Judy Garland, actress[103]
* Harold Gimblett, British cricketer. "Rita [his wife] came to see me and couldn't believe the difference. I had some colour back in my cheeks..."[104]
* Peter Green, English blues guitarist, founding member of Fleetwood Mac[105]
* David Helfgott, Australian pianist.[106]
* Marya Hornbacher, American writer. [107]
* Michael Moriarty, American actor.[108]
* Sherwin B. Nuland, American surgeon and writer[109]
* Sylvia Plath, American writer and poet.[110]
* Lou Reed, The Velvet Underground[111]
* Yves Saint-Laurent, French fashion designer.[112]
* Townes van Zandt, American country singer-songwriter.[113]
* Vivien Leigh, English Actress and second wife of Laurence Olivier
* Robert M. Pirsig, American author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance [114]
* David Foster Wallace, American writer[115]

[shutterbug]

my head hurts ... time to eat a sweet cake and lay back down for sleep.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a productive day somehow.

[historyteach]

When I was young, I had dreams of being a singer.
Those dreams are gone today,
but, I can still sing while doing housework, in the shower and in services. I also sang in the chorus of our Temple for a while. It brings me joy.
What I"m saying is that it's not an "all or nothing" choice.

Jenna, you are a very talented photographer. You've won awards, and this is a field you love. So, it may be too stressful to push and push yourself to work for the NY Times. That type of stress will aggrivate your depression; we know how that works.

But, why not work for a smaller paper? One that isn't as stressful? One that would truely appreciate your many talents and reward you for it? It would be a shame to abandon your love and the field that you've honed so well. Perhaps it would be best to find a niche that best suites your psyche. Imagine what that will do for your well being!

Please remember to care for yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You know that's my mantra. I've posted info on foods for your moods which I know you've seen, and those coffees which you *love* are not the best for you! LOL! Regular sleep hygene is important too. Developing routines, preparing our bodies for bed, is possible. I had to do it years ago, and it helps. It's not a cure all, but, it helps. A healthy diet with plenty of fruits and veggies, light on the carbs and only the good fats; don't forget the omega 3's too! But, you know this. So, why not get yourself one of those food journals. I'll post one for you.

Anyway, I do hope you feel better soon. I know all these changes going on in your life are very difficult and stressful. Just know, I care.

Shalom!

[historyteach]

Here's a really nice food and exercise log for downloading:
Daily Nutrition & Fitness Log

Though there's good information on this one, the log isn't as easy to use:
Healthy Lifestyle: Diet and Exercise Log

A goal is only a goal when we put an action plan to it and stick to it. Otherwise, it's a dream. I know when I use these types of journals, it's helpful in keeping me on track for loosing weight and getting more fit. It's not easy, but, it's doable. And it helps lift my moods as I see the benefits that result from my efforts. Hope it helps... since you're looking for things to do...

And here's a list of caloric expenditures for activities. And it has a pyramid explaining what activities should be done more or less often too.
Physical Activity
I've never seen that before! So, thanks! You've helped me once more!

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

actually, working for a smaller paper is more stressful than a large state paper. there are less employees and they give you more jobs and less money. The smallest paper i've worked at was the worst and most demeaning. The hick editor thought she knew everything and what she didn't know for sure she made up and argued if questioned. She actually said to me, "what i really want to do is slap you right now." i walked out. I'd been reporter, photographer, page designer, copy editor, press release typist and obit writer....all for about $15,000/yr.

the next largest paper wasn't much better, but paid me $22,000/yr to work as a full time reporter who also produced as much printed photography as the full time photographer, workine 50-80 hour weeks....never being written up until disclosing my mental illness and taking medical leave, then fired a few months later (after i'd trained my replacement who is still there....doing my job and using the nice digital camera i petitioned for and hand picked).

This last paper was the biggest i'd worked for and was perfect....until i got sick and had to disclose my illness and go on medical leave. Same thing....i'd never been in trouble or written up until then (and had often been praised for my hard work and good images....and boy did they LOVE all the awards i brought home for them). Same thing...a few months later....handed my walking papers and a couple boxes with my remaining personal affects.

No....i won't go thru any of that again.
The only way possible is to do strictly freelance and contract work for papers, but since that isn't always steady....i'll have to do local portrait work and such (which i'm really not thrilled about.....i only like doing the kind that i can totally control, including the number of people in the images and the scene and theme and, etc.).

So i don't know....i'm stressed.
Especially, since i still need 2 lenses, a flash, a laptop (pc) and photoshop program to even think about starting any kind of serious picture taking again.

Jurneyman, thank you for the message you sent. i'm not sure how to reply to you thru that format. I did check out the site, but my computer is slow loading when it comes to images....and often times won't load them at all....which was the case when i tried to view a couple of his galleries.

Actually tho, it's stressful and depressing for me to go thru other people's photo galleries. I tend to get photographically inspired and then that depresses me more right now for not being able to do it or try what gets into my head.

So until i get my set-up in place, i really can't even make myself think about photography right now for any length of time, without it making me feel worse.

Teach.....i actually have only had about 4 cups of coffee in the past month.....but that coffee that i *love* is VERY much a necessity for me to get thru a day when I don't have my Provigil.

I really don't want to talk or hear about it anymore. When you struggle with severe and immobalizing depression, then I'll listen. But I've battled my mom about the 'coffee' issue for more than 2 years now, because of how much each mocha latte costs.....and i'm tired of having to defend myself to people who don't know what it's like to have to push yourself out of bed when you feel like you've been hit by a truck and then go to work and try to function. it doesn't work without strong coffee or Provigil for me, and even then it's still a huge struggle to get thru a day. End of discussion.

[historyteach]

I have been there, friend...
I know.
But, we don't have to talk about it.
I'm only trying to help, because I care. And I know you know that already.

Shalom!

[liveweyerd]

Danny and I slept in our HOME last night, it was wonderfully comfortable. I, too, bought myself new sheets, the best we've ever had Jenna. MMMMM-UUMMMM. 1200 count Egytian cotton.

Then he gave me a pep talk about packing right away in the morning. I must have had quite an odd look on my face, because he is not a morning person and I sit here and stress waiting for him to be ready.

So, we got alot done! He bleached the top of the travel trailer to prep it for coating, took off the topper from the truck to paint and seal it, washed and disinfected the storage box that works as a support for the mattress for the bed we are leaving here.

I got the kitchen cabinets sorted and packed, one shelf of stuff listed on ebay, boxes to go to storage, needed items to home and others in boxes for storage and left basics in cabinet for new renters. Refilled my klononpin and picked up enough groceries and some ice cream to get us by until I get to grocery. (at the pharmacy)

Put away the books I had carried into home. Next are my beloved collection of concert dvds!

Last week I sold one item on ebaby, this week 3. I am still spending more than I am earning there.

And have the body bag size trash bag on the curb for tomorrow.

I don't know if I am done yet or not.

Tomorrow morning he has an appmt to get brakes fixed on tow truck. Then we will finish boxing up storage items, transport them and go to post office. I need him to photograph more things to list, as I would like to keep 25 items listed most of the time, if not more.

Took some things to my favorite thrift roadside store yesterday. That's another place things go.

Also some self help books to the laundromat that keeps a library and didn't sell.....and sooner or later, some clothes for them to do, I need to hire out some help with that. Maybe I can make it and wash several loads here and take them there to dry. I really don't mind that. Some things go on the clothesline.

I am leaving the toaster here, hubs spoiled me with his homemade pan toast.

I can't do the oil & gas corporations anymore either.
It's alot of income....and I used it to go places.....so haven't given that part up!!!
Home is on wheels. Suits this hobo!

You and Danny can use his laptop you know, because you both have alot of things in common and he has alot to learn from you about it and is really looking forward to that.
He wants a photo program as badly as you do, so when the boat down payment comes in....mama (as he calls me when it comes to $$$) will take him shopping or get out the card. I have the pursey

I can't wait for the transformation of your mistress' bedroom! That's going to be FUN!

Soon as he gets the topper painted and put back on and sealed, we can start loading your furniture!

[liveweyerd]

You are going to get a stainless steel bar in the mail. I will tell you what it is. It is for that contemporary look. It is magnetized and holds your knives....but don't tell your mom, I get too many laughs from her puzzlement and guessing!

[shutterbug]

lol

[liveweyerd]

Well, at least let her go on for awhile and then genius you can figure it out!

[liveweyerd]

Sunday Danny must have said the grocery shopping word about 100 times.
Yesterday I hit the fast food and bought off the $menu a variety of sandwiches, salads, got a foot long on sale at Subway and a lunch special at the nearby Chinese and told him this IS the grocery shopping. The kitchen is closed. It's not quite finished, but close.

Today I worked on the master bedroom, boxing up shoes, purses, put the coats in a body bag to fold and put under the bed (kept two out for the closet)
Body bag = super larger, super heavy trash bags. Got some of it put in home bedroom.

Danny was going to paint the topper today but didn't feel well and slept all day.
We were a bit at odds by evening. It is off the truck and he had said it would take him 30 minutes to tape it and 3 hours overall for two coats of paint. He has a special handle and roller to do it with.

I mean, it's pretty much like the two minute warning at a football game, timewise.
I do not understand why if his back hurts and he is sitting in his chair I cannot set a box on his lap, papers by his side and ask him to pack them. Or download cds. Or even pull up the sheets in the wad that is the bed that is a wallow. Or that he can't take a couple of photos for me for ebay. Or address two envelopes. ANYTHING...just do something helpful before I have him carted off to the nursing home!!!!!

He did pick up the ant stuff for you yesterday when we were running errands, so you can talk sweet to him.



I said for the first time to him, that I won't yell at him and all that, but darnit if when the landlord does he sure jumps and moves.

See, I have had this sneaking suspicion that I was going to get stuck with everything inside all along, despite his assurances otherwise.

Teach, in order to have a yard sale, I would have to have it all organized at once and I don't.

oh, yeah, Jenna,...he sure beamed at the idea of those photoshop classes starting the 15th.

He grumped at me which I told him was just manipulation and he said he was just going to keep his mouth shut. I did. I did NOT say, I think that is a pretty good idea since talk is so cheap.

I've got news for him...the day after spinal surgery they are going to make him get up and walk!

Anyway, you can see I don't like this game of "chicken"!
And I am sure laying in bed so long is making his back hurt worse! You may recall he crashed super early yesterday evening and never really got up today, except at 10:30 to drink coffee on the patio and then I thought he was working on the topper until I carried stuff into the bedroom and there he was snoozing.

Okay, I have a couple of boxes to pack and then I am going to get some sleep.

That was my grump and I mean every word of it! LOL

Suddenly I am recalling living single as easier!