Bipolar/Depression Journal Part VI

[shutterbug]

Wow, thanks!

This one is a pretty good deal:

Nikon D2H purchased new for $3400 - $425 (SE Portland )

Reply to: sale-869433531@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 10:00PM PDT

Nikon D2H in great working condition. Only issue is the rubber gripping is coming up in a couple of spots and needs a little glue. I am selling the camera merely because I do photography professionally and have needed to upgrade to the latest and greatest.

However, tonight I purchased a Nikon D100 camera body for $289. I've also purchased a flexable tripod, extension tube, shutter release cable and a nice bag for a complete total of around $330 (which includes all the shipping totals too) for the night.

I held this model in my hands about 6-7 years ago so i'm a little more familar with it than the others and know it's sturdier than the D40/D50/D60/D70/D80 models. The quality isn't as great as what i truely need, but I just want to get the best possible set up in my hands for now and upgrade later (and then i can just keep it as a back-up or sell it).

Now, however, my task is finding the best possible lenses, flash and battery grip that I can for right now. Ideally, I will be keeping an eye out for a Nikon 17-55 mm F2.8 and a Nikon 70-200 mm F2.8, but I'll probably have to settle for F values closer to F3.5 or F4 as the minimum and possibly a Sigma lens instead of a Nikkor.

Really, the flash and the 17-55 mm lens is the most important. But I spent several hours this evening looking through eBay for possibilities and have exhausted myself for tonight.

Actually, most of my time was spent searching for a D100 battery grip. They aren't as common as I'd thought so it looks like i'll have to pay $80-$90 for one (which came included with a few other D100s I was looking at, but i thought this the best deal).

Anyway, my thoughts keep going to Tena and Danny. He's having a procedure done in the morning and the outcome could mean a cancer diagnosis, so that's a pretty heavy weight for them to be dealing with right now.

p.s. my annoying cat has about liked a raw patch on my wrist right now! This is a new thing for her and she won't stop!!! And dang her tongue is scratchy!!!!!!

Thanks for doing that CL search for me Judith! That was soooo sweet of you.

My head is about to explode with all the researching of all the different camera models and kits over the past 2-3 days!!! like.....KABOOM!! :LMAO

well, falling asleep now....

hugs,
Jenna

p.s. HistoryTeach, i hope all is still going well for you!

[shutterbug]

i kinda feel like i'm in a black void right now.
my brain is broken again, for the moment.

i keep forgetting about important things.
which feels like what we do about things that arn't that important to us....except these things are important, and many are very time sensative.

It feels kinda like i'm sleep-walking thru my waking hours right now.

i did actually get out today for more than just a run to get some fast food or go gamble. I went to a favorite annex store where i found two decadent place settings that are LENEX china. Regularly costing a total of $220, but i got them for $21. I also picked up some other nice things, then rushed off to a GA meeting....cried my eyes out in front of these people i've only met 3 times now, then went to deposit a check in the night box at the back, then picked up med scripts at pharmacy and only THEN when thru a fast-food drive thru and came home.

But, after eating, i feel asleep again instead of doing any of the things i need and want to get done around home. I MUST find the little digital camera that's here somewhere, and never even been opened. And i MUST get a few more things boxed and mailed to Tena ASAP, and gather laundry and things to take with me today to sis's while i'm house/dog sitting for her this weekend.

AND i forgot to call my friend to confirm if we're going to start walking today or tomorrow....and also promised my little cousin i'd call her Fri evening also to let her know.

Also, in the past 2 days, I've said things to 3 different people that i regret saying.

1. my lil' cousin actually called me, which i was really excited for her to call me, and when we were talking about her being pregnant and thanking me for being supportive....i said to her that i don't understand how family are ever NOT supportive of a young girl who gets pregnant b/c regardless if they think the person was irresponsible or stupid or whatever....there's no turning back time so why not support them in the reality of things.

i realized, as i said it....that i was basically saying to her that i thought she was stupid and irrisponsible for getting pregnant, which frankly i do think that, but she already is aware of that and i didn't want to throw it in her face in anyway like that. Especially, since she feels differently....as in 'everything happens for a reason' and i knew months (and even several years ago) that she was wanting to get pregnant so she doesn't see this as a bad thing. She thinks she's grown enough and responsible enough to handle it.....even tho she only just got a car, got it impounded the 2nd day and only just got it back out.....is selling Xanax for money.....and doesn't have a place to live (is hopping from friend-to-friend's house inbetween staying at her boyfriend's.

but she's got it all figured out now. and even tho she couldn't handle changing 1 dirty diaper on my nephews not long ago....she's prepared she says.

Anyway, instead of dwelling on how unprepared and immature i think she is to raise a child, i'd rather spend my energies supporting her in this situation and in helping her possibly prepare (for example, i picked up a book for her today about caring for children when they get sick and i have some infant clothes and a baby blanket to give to her and asked if she was on pre-natals and offered to driver her to any doc appts).

I just don't want to make her feel worse or make anything harder on her, but rather the opposite. She's had a tough enough life already at just 19.

2. in talking about cameras with Tena's Danny, i mentioned the one picture i've seen of him and said he reminded me of the photographer i worked with at the old newspaper....and proceeded to tell him how that photographer had taken a picture of me when i was in pre-school and published in the same paper he's still working at...and which i ended up working beside him as a photographer for. To me, i was trying to say how neat i thought it was that i found that clipped photo from the newspaper when i was little and how neat i thought it was that i ended up working beside the same photographer, but it came out sounding more like i was talking about how old that photographer was. And said that, like Danny, he'd also had strong feelings about only using the kind of camera he was use to...rather than switching to the new, pro-digitals i'd convinced management to finally invest in. That photographer was even close to being upset/angry with me for a little while, but it didn't take long for him to adapt....and no longer has to spend hours developing, drying and individually scanning negatives and images.

Basically, i'd like to appologize to Danny for sounding like i was calling him 'old.' That wasn't my intent.

3. And i feel bad for something i also said to Tena Fri evening about not telling her to buy anything else for my house b/c there's places here that often have the same or similar kinds of things for dramatically cheaper prices. Frankly, i sounded totally ungrateful and judgemental of her help. That's the last emotions or thoughts i ever want to portray!!!!

i know that my words came out of my own insecurities and issues of feeling unworthy of help from others, espcially on the scale her and Danny have been, and i hate that i can't just accept it like normal people. i also know that my words came out of not wanting their resources to go towards anything for me b/c i care about them so much and would feel more comfortable if it was all going toward their hopes and dreams and needs.

I think i know Tena and Danny well enough to know that they haven't been very upset, if at all, by my words....but it bothered me and i just felt like i needed to talk about these 3 clear incidents in my past 2 days with 3 different people.

basically, right now....i guess i'm not sure if i'm myself....and don't know if i have total control over who's running my mouth, etc., ....if that makes any sense at all.

Anyway, my head hurts....i'm laying back down and am sure i'll fall right back to sleep.

hugs,
jenna

[OXFORD]

I wan sxream whenn I'm sobeer. I feel so empt i AN'T LIVE IN MY HOUSE WITHOUT RELAPSLISING. i'LL ALWAYS RELA[PSE IN MY HOUSE.

[historyteach]

Jenna,

Thanks for asking. I'm fine; just a bit tired.
The High Holy Days are over, and it was a marathon since grades were due the day after Yom Kippur. I finally ended up speaking with my principal, who told me I should have spoken to him and that I could have until Monday to get the grades in. But, they were almost done by then, so, I just finished them, staying late at school again, to do so.

The services were lovely. The sermons by both Rabbis were awesome! The head Rabbi always does such a great job on the holidays, but, he always outshines himself, year after year, and this one was no different. There wasn't a dry eye in the place.

And the assistant Rabbi, who just had a baby three months ago, well....all I can say is that becoming a mother really matured her Rabbi's "voice." In a letter to her newborn son, which was multi-facited and multi-layered to speak to us all, she had us all in rapt attention. Again, there was not a dry eye in the synogogue -- and it was PACKED!
We are so very lucky to have such talented and loving people leading us in services and in life. :>)

A little story, about Rosh HaShanna, that's kind of funny, (since no one was hurt.)
I'm an usher for the holidays, and I have my little corner for which I'm responsible if there's a problem. So, in the middle of the service, this man had a heart episode. (He's fine; he may need a pace maker eventually, but, thank G*D, he's ok now!) Anyway, many people came forward to help. I was trying to maintain the dignity of the service, which was continuing, and asking people to please return to their seats.
Almost everyone I asked told me they were a doctor!
My friend Tom said,
"If you have to have a heart attack, the best place to have it is in the synogogue!
The ambulance came and got the guy; the service continued and most people were not even aware that anything occured! All was well....

So, that's my High Holy Day stories for you. Anyway, between them and grades for the kiddies, I'm pooped! It's beautiful outside, and I know I should be out there, playing in the garden, but, I"m about ready to take a nap. It's the Sabbath; I went to services, then to a young lady's bat Mitzvah; got a bite to eat, and a nap sounds very inviting. And it's a blessing to do so on the Sabbath to boot!

Oxford,
It's not your house that's causing your relapsing.
I wish you well...

Shalom!

[Live]

Don't worry about anything you have said to us, Jenna.

We won't know the results of the biopsy until the 27th.

We are both feeling pretty lousy today.

Looks like the boat motors are going to be re-op'ed even tho' we sent a sizeable payment. We could pay them off, but that would not leave us enough to make this move.
Danny looks like a zombie and I just want to cry.

[historyteach]

(((Live)))
I'm so sorry...
Try to do something kind for yourself,
Even as I know it's the last think you *want* to do.
Remember, first and foremost, that you are worthy of good things.

Shalom!

[Anna]

I've been thinking about you guys since you posted about the biopsy. It's too bad you have to wait so long for the results, but try to be positive.

How are the preparations for the move coming along? I guess it must be a lot of work moving all your things!

[shutterbug]

I don't even know why
that i try and i try and i try.
My life keeps tumbling by
and all i can think is 'oh my.'
Why doesn't someone just tell me a lie
that it won't all suck until i die?

today, right now...i am depressed.
too depressed to cry.

i'm REALLY tired of asking 'why'
because for me there is no rest.

Sigh.

---
i really hate life. And i'm sick of people in my town gripping about their guys. Strangers will tell me they don't even know what good they are and when i remind them of having someone to hug after a hard day....they tell me they have their dogs to hug.

I'm not saying that things don't tend to be rough when there's two, but try being a major depressive as i and not even getting any goodbye's from not even a single guy. Try going through a major depression and in about 4 years time...the only person who seemed to care enough about you took you for a ride after only a few weeks and then took your car while you slept.

After my major episode in college and taking a break from school to rest for a semester...i went back and for about 4 years that time also...i had no one. no hugs, no cuddles, no hello's, no kisses from a significant other or even a date.

I returned to my ex-high school boyfriend, who'd always been bad for me and made me miserable....just so as to not feel so unwanted and lonely any more. After about another 4 years spent supporting him, i finally kicked him out for good. That was around 2004 and just before my 2nd major episode.

Then a deathly codie relationship for several months, left me fine with being single...happy even, in many ways. Then comes on the 3rd and most shriveling major episode.

my life is meaningless to me without any hopes for romantic love. i would welcome with open arms the difficult day-to-day problems and fights with a semi-difficult person...just to have someone to even fight with!

i felt that i was semi 'together' as a person for many years in my high school and college days. i had goals and knew where i was headed...and i wasn't bad to look at. i was able to turn guys down and enjoy the presence of several in my life within a given year. And only now do i realize how many others would have liked to have been with me, but i was mostly shy and stubborn and didn't recognize flirting most of the time unless it was the obvious kind.

now...the only comments i get are sarcastic ones or lies to get me on their good side. It makes me angry, really angry...and hurt. I've always had a hard time accepting compiments, but if they are obvious lies then get out of my face and stop being cruel.

i'm not stupid...tho my mom and sister would like me to be...and frankly so would i. i know i am not attractive and a guy would nearly have to be blind to find me so...especially when i struggle through my days and weeks to even change clothes, shower or even brush my hair. But it seems that if they do find me so...then they are not the type of guy i'm even interested in. Since, the only reason they'd be interested is if they can't get anyone better...and if they can't then there is something wrong with them. My experience has been that they are not very bright or motivated to succeed at anything in life. That's the kind of guys i attract....actually, such is true of when i was younger and not a whale.

i'm sure it must be some kind of unconscious vibes i send out from being raised by a pretty intelligent and motivated (work-a-holic, until later becomeing an alcoholic instead) father and a mother who took less interest in us than a teenage babysitter would have...and who i get easily aggrivated with for having to constantly explain simple things to her and she never gets it...and yet she still dishes out advice to me like i'm 7 or something.

i am broken. i am damaged goods (don't argue with me on this). perhaps i should have just married the ex highschool/college boyfriend/bum. At least i'd have someone to cuddle with and walk through life with.

I'm spending the weekend at sis's to house and dog sit. it's a large beautiful house....(but stinky and a total pig pen right now)....and it feels lonelier and more depressing than my own shack. no ones here...no noise other than the dogs (which at least the small inside dog adores me). i have no books on hand to keep my mind busy, trying to find something to eat is nearly impossible and until i bought pop today the only thing to drink was water or nearly expired milk (which i just can't do).

you'd think that my getting together with an old buddy today and starting up our walking again....would have helped, but i think it made it worse. she is married now, with a step-son, and most of our friendship was when we were both single.

so....all there is to do is try to loose myself in a t.v. show or two and then try to get some decent sleep...which has been difficult lately. I've been remembering a lot of my dreams lately...and even the nice ones bring me down (b/c they've been about being held by someone, or something having to do with a guy in my life....so it's just depressing to wake and have reality hit.)

sorry for the pity party,
but if i wrote any differently, it would be fake and wouldnt' help at all since it wouldn't be me.

Jenna

p.s. on a show or something the other day...someone mentioned thinking that we are all spirits who are sent to earth to live in this human form so to know what it's like to be human. So far, that's the only explination i think i might can buy into. But still, if it's so easy to send a spirit to earth and create a human body to hold the spirit in....then why couldn't anything that a spirit might need to know about humans....just be downloaded into their knowledge. That couldn't be any harder than downloading the whole spirit to human form could it?

Anyway, if that theory is true...then when i get back to the spirit world i'm going to beat the hell out of whoever let me do such a stupid thing.

And, if there is really such a thing as 'past lives' then i must have been a truely horrid person to deserve this one.

[nandm]

(((((Jenna))))) I wish there was something I could say or do to help. I do appreciate your honesty and frankness. Unfortunately this is the best hug I can give right now....

[jurneyman]

Jenna, It was in one of my posts, you read about my personal belief, describing our human form hosting our individual Spirits. IMHO God gives each and every one of us a gift, and what we need to do, Is pray for the awareness, then the guidance and strength needed to share our unique contribution with the rest of humanity.

When I am trying to live with, and survive the life controlling misery of Depression, in one way or another all my thoughts are focused on relief, and the release from its all consuming mental, physical, and spiritual control. When everything that I try, to find that relief, including prayer, and medication seems to fail me, I sometimes give up,
and start searching outside myself to find way's to help me deal with the feeling of
complete helplessness, and hopelessness that it will never leave, and be with me forever, and I won't be able face it alone. I falsely believe that someone, or something, outside of me, it really doesn't matter which one, can help comfort, or take care of me. Grasping for anything to keep me from drowning in the darkness. Afraid and alone.

I have found through hard learned painful experience, God is taking care of my Spirit,
strengthening and using me in way's I might never understand. Instead of my human want's, which is the fantasy of living comfortable without pain. Again IMHO I will be with him for eternity making this time I have on earth nothing in comparison. My human impatience waiting on God to help or fix me doesn't always happen when, or the way I want it. When I lose faith I can't wait any longer and want to do it myself. The results
instead of praying for acceptance, and courage what happens and especially with Bi-Polars the depression passes and leaves on its own, as it has in the past. Now I am left with more difficult problems, and complications in my life then I had before. Again everything I tried didn't work anyway, people, places, things, addictions with alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, compulsive living, from excessive spending. Now when I want to get on with my life, instead I am left living with the results of my will. Instead of God's.

[nandm]

Thought you might find this article useful.

*** Article: Has Your Dating or Love Life Tanked? - By Dr. Diana Kirschner ***

------------------------------------------------------------

I was on the Today show recently doing a segment about what to do when life doesn't work out the way you want it to. The panel included terrific authors Rene Syler and Amy Cohen and the talented Debbie Nigro, a founder and Chief Executive Girlfriend of firstwivesworld.com. Here are the five tips I was not able to give on air, the steps you can take that can help when things go south, especially in your dating or love life.

Life almost always takes a left turn -- it never seems to go the way we expect. The One turns out to be a Dud, the chemistry dies off in your marriage, you get divorced, and on and on. How do we cope? Studies show that certain people are more resilient -- they adapt quickly and easily to change. When they hit unexpected, unwanted left turns in their lives, they use mentors, positive emotions, and self-talk to help cope. These fortunate people can turn a bushel of lemons into a whole lemonade stand. So, aside from being envious, what can we learn from them?

Here are five ways resilient people turn life's disappointments into unexpected blessings and opportunities:

1. Use humor
Research on people who watched funny videos showed they had reduced stress hormones, a boost to the immune system, and a reduction in feeling pain. Laughter lifts you right out of that downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings that come with loss. Look for the funny angle.

2. Find a mentor

This is what totally changed my life. As young adult I never wanted or expected to marry anyone because I had only seen battles and unhappiness in my parent's marriage. I was caught in deadly dating patterns, being a hermit or taking crumbs and wanting the guys who didn't want me. But then I got a love mentor who taught me that love was possible and how to create it. This was the beginning of the program in my book, "Love in 90 Days." And using those principles I took a left turn -- here I am 180 degrees opposite from what I imagined -- in a loving marriage to a guy who is my best friend for over 25 years!

3. Use a positive focus
Research is very clear that even after they have faced a serious life-changing event, resilient people focus on positive thoughts and feelings that might come up -- whether it is a moment of peacefulness, calmness, or delight over a visit from a child or the beauty of a flower. They feel their anger, fear, and depression, but they also experience whatever positive feelings come up. Even the most difficult circumstances can be seen in a more positive way. If your husband suddenly up and left, are you free to pursue your passion for painting now? Put your attention on the door to creativity and fun that is opening up for you.

4. Find and enjoy the hidden benefits

What is freeing about your new situation? How are you better off as a person? Now that you are divorced, can you go on a shopping spree without having to fight a battle over it? What is going to be good about this situation? If you just broke up with a person who is very critical and demeaning, are you already starting to feel a little better about yourself?

5. Work on new goals

Resilient people don't dwell in the past and constantly think about what was lost. They use the steps we just talked about to be forward-looking and choose new goals that bring a measure of hope and happiness. If you are suddenly single, start poking around a few online dating sites. Take a chance and go out on a blind date with your neighbor's friend. Set some new dating goals for yourself, even though it's absolutely the last thing you want to do. Shifting your attention will get you out of your slump. Really.

*****
You can learn much more about the latest research on building intimate relationships and techniques for recovering from breakups in my new book, "Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love."



About the Author:

Psychologist, Dr. Diana Kirschner, appeared on Oprah and is a frequent guest on the Today Show. For 25+ years, she has helped thousands of single women find love. To buy her acclaimed new book, "Love in 90 Days," and for her e-tips, blog, dating articles, daily affirmations, and discussion forum, visit DianaKirschner

[Live]

Jenna, I have been in a slump and at those times it feels like I have nothing to say.

Right now, I am just absorbing some things.

I finally got my new sheets and made up the antique bed in our new home. Packed a little. Watched an easygoing movie with Danny.

He's gone back to bed.
I will too....I need to do that and wake early, those days go better for me.

Love from both of us.

[nandm]

Tena, sending good thoughts your way:ghug2

[shutterbug]

Thanks everyone.

Life just sucks right now, but i think i've at least realized that i tend to think i've got it worse than most others who struggle with major illness.

Regardless, sometimes i am able to sleep through difficult days; and sometimes i'm able to just 'show up' (which right now basically means i don't do much other than sleep, eat and watch t.v., but at least i'm not thinking about suicide); and sometimes....not a single thing can bring even an ounce of comfort.

earlier, i realized that i could probably scrape up enough loose change to go buy a sunday or something. What i was really craving was one of the new banana pudding shakes at a local fast-food place. I found just barely enough to go buy one and did. I've only had it once before and what i like the most was the real slices of bananas in it. So of course.......they put none in it this time.

Since it's just around the corner, i went back. they'd already turned out all the outside lights, but i was able to grab the attention of the same person and she said she'd make me another one. She came back, promising there was bananas in it now. I got back home and....none.

It was the ONLY thing i was looking for a little comfort from.

BUT, it's not just about the stupid ice cream and the stupid people in my home town....it's about the fact that NOTHING hardly goes right in my life.

For example, last year, i got $4,000 in dental work done (2 root canals and 1 pulled) ....and 2 days ago....the tooth-colored filling from one of the root canals, which had loosened, fell out completely. It's one of my front teeth. And it's not like i don't have several other teeth, many toward the front, that have deteriorated so much there's barely any tooth left now.

People!!! I am fat, ugly, poor, dirty and lonely enough as it freaking is!!!!

And yes, i also hate being a woman, especially because putting up with the mood swings associated with being a woman who's bipolar II ....is just cruel for a woman who'll most likely never have a child anyway.

-------
2B cont'd....

[shutterbug]

JourneyMan,

Thank you for that. i'm sorry i forgot it was you.

I use to be a pretty strong Christian. I was raised in a Pentecostal/evangelist church, but b/c of a friend i found a much more better fit in late junior high in the Nazerene church (very much like Baptist, except MUCH stricter in some ways....for example my best friend wasn't allowed to even go to the movies and never did while i knew her through senior year). It was a very accepting church and didn't make me feel like an outsider like my childhood church had.

Anyway...i went outside of my family and started attending services and functions 2-5 times a week. I became very serious in Bible quizzing and went on to compete on a national level where i placed 4th that year.

Anyway....i questioned the whole 'speaking in tongues' thing that i was brought up with and literally spent hours talking to the paster and youth paster about my faith and that aspect.

In college, i became less faithful in service attendence, but not in my heart or mind or spirit. And i still delve deep into Bible messages with friends and other students of same and different Christian backgrounds. And even took a course in Islam.

After my first major depressive episode...my faith didn't waiver. And later, i was able to look back and believe that the illness had brought me to my 'purpose' or 'gift' in life....my photography. So, after at that struggle....i felt it HAD been a plan for my life. And i accepted it and was glad for it.

After my 2nd major depressive episode...my faith still didn't really waiver, but i'd had a few moments of questioning. I still came out a believer. It was a harder episode than the first and i'd ended up in my professions equivilent of the gutter (a backwoods newspaper that was still cut-and-paste and i served as reporter, photographer and page designer). But not long after i applied for a reporting job i didn't want to do, but just wanted out of where i was.....and found myself being hired instead as the chief photographer at a corportate paper in the heart of the city.

I felt VERY blessed.

I felt the 2nd episode was a 'wake-up' call of sorts. I became introduced to my illness by name and what that meant. And to me....that meant i could maintain it if i worked hard enough to be 'normal'.

And i felt pretty normal for a while. i was getting to do the job i'd dreamed of since deciding to become a photojournalist and had started working toward in college (since about 1997). I actually LIKED dressing up for work everyday. I actually LIKED the place i was able to move into (the only place i ever remember that i've ever actually 'liked' living in).

I felt that I'd experienced the horror of major depression (twice) so that I could really live life...and enjoy it....and feel blessed....and feel a desire to want to help others with the same illness....and not take anything for granted.

That's what i thought. I thought my HP had let me suffer so I could arrise out of the dust stronger and better. Going to work often even felt like a fairy tale b/c of the awsome things i got to experience and photography and the people I got to meet, photography and shake hands with. But, i didn't take it for granted b/c i knew i'd worked a LOT of long and hard hours to become the photographer i was....and so i still tried really hard to become even better. And i did.

But then, the floor dropped out again...and my fall was much harder and deeper and potentially fatal.

I can sit here all night and try to rationalize that this 3rd episode has the same kind of purpose....that this is God's plan for my life....that i will be even better off somehow because of it.....but....

if this is God's plan....then i hate him.

I tried holding onto my faith. I tried believing that he'd protected me by putting me into that corporate newspaper where i actually liked everyone i worked with, including my BOSS!! I believed that this episode would come and go and i'd get through it with my job and life in tact.

I believed wrong....in my newspaper, boss, collegues, illness, treatments and God.

I tried to go back to work after only a month in day treatment when my job said i had no choice (b/c of some insurance reason or something), b/c i didn't feel i had a choice and thought perhaps i could do it. I only got worse and that's why i chose shock treatments and the loss of memories as the result of them.....to SAVE my job! I went through those 23 treatments b/c i believed my HP was on my side and would help me through them and help me keep my job.

I thought my final return to work ... that i would ONLY be up against my illness in order to hang onto my job, b/c i felt i was blessed to work for such a great company. I was wrong. I was not only fighting my illness, but then my collegues, boss and his bosses - everyone - again.

I'm not strong enough for all this!!!!!!!
If this is all God's plan then he should have made me much stronger! If i believe in God, then i HAVE to also believe that he knows what he's doing to me.....and allowing it. HE knows how broken i am and knows how often i think of suicide and that if Tena and Danny weren't coming here soon...that suicide would be a much stronger possiblity. Why would a God who cares and wants so much for me....let me feel soooooo miserable to want to end it all and just be done?

And if i am some kind of spirit who is here on earth to learn what it's like to be human....well, i think i've done that! Being human is f*cking horrible!!!!! And I'd like to return home now (or to oblivion, whatever reality is). I'm done. I'm done. I'm DONE!!!!!

(((((So God))))), if you really are out there, i beg you to either fix me and my life or strike me with lightening or a bus (or whatever you chose). i don't care I just can't suffer anymore. so either way, just make it go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenna

p.s. for anyone else reading this....i think this morbid depression i'm presently experiencing.... is a late onset of the result of my firing (on top of my BP and on top of a bit of female hormones and on top off my meds being screwed up for about a month now).

p.s.s. please don't worry. i just have to express these emotions. Knowing that Tena and Danny are coming here soon means i have a contract with them that i would be breaking if i did anything. so don't worry. i'm safe. I'm not suicidal, just suicidally depressed. There's a difference.

p.s.s.s. just having to say that, reminds me that i do have people here who worry about me and i am thankful for that. It's all i have.

[shutterbug]

i just wanted to mark a link for Teach's thread about healthy/mood boosting foods. I found the parts about almonds, walnuts and spinach especially interesting.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...our-moods.html (Happy Meals! Or, Foods for our Moods)

[shutterbug]

Nandm, (((((thank you)))) for posting the article above. I love information and trying to learn from others.

[historyteach]

(((Jenna)))

This may help...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...und-world.html (Prayers for Healing from Around the World)

Shalom!

[OXFORD]

today's my alcohol assessment appointment at the addiction and mental health hospital. I'm nervous, haven't slept and still don't know what to expect. A huge benefit of this is that I'm really feeling euphoric for the chance to get treatment, however I don't know what any of this entails. The light is forcing it's way through my house reminding me that I haven't had any slep and likely won't until the sun leaves again.

[shutterbug]

Congrats Oxford, that's a great, and scary, step. i hope everything works out for you.

[shutterbug]

i'm depressed still and apparently still in self-distruct mode.
The lovely angel Tena called today and i was too obsessed with sorting change to go turn into dollars so i could get something from the grocery store.

the change counting machine was broken...and so was i. but i ended up going to another grocery store and writing a check for groceries. it'll bounce, and i'll pay extra for that (nearly as much as the groceries), but it's all my fault anyway. I promised i'd call Tena when i got back and i did, but i was too depressed to do anything except zone out and go to sleep. I think i was rude, but didn't mean to be. I'm afraid that i'm going to self-distruct further with losing their friendship. Why a person acts in self-distructive ways? i don't know or understand. Perhaps i feel unworthy or diserving and subconsiously act accordingly in all aspects of my life.

yeah, i'm full of self-hate b/c i could have things differently in my life, but i can't seem to control myself in any good ways.just like i hate being fat, but can't even force myself to purge....and yes i know that's bad to say, but i want to not be fat anymore. and yet what do i do when i get this depressed? all i do is eat and sleep. that's it!!!!! All i'm going to be left with is the army of ants that have swarmed my whole house dispite my trying to get rid of them.

this weekend, i took at bath at sis's and since i hadn't brushed my hair in longer than i could remember...i cut off another 6 inches to make it easier and to be able to brush it out. i didn't think i'd ever get it brushed out, even then. i've cut more than 12 inches off my hair recently. Usually i donate it to Locks Of Love when it gets this long and bothersome, but i haven't been able to get myself to a hair appointment so i've just chopped it myself. It's still long enough to tie into a knot ontop of my head...so there's still plenty to have professionally cut eventually.

earlier i ate a microwave dish along with a sandwhich and went back to sleep after only being awake for a couple hours. now, i've just had a burrito and 2 waffles....and i'm about to go fix another burrito or something and go back to sleep. Binge and sleep....that's all that is getting me thru right now.

possibly, the only good thing to come out of this is that maybe i'll sleep enough to be wide awake during a few DAYLIGHT hours tomorrow or something.

who knows.
who cares.

[Live]

Jenna,

You have to stop calling me an angel, you are going to ruin my reputation!

You weren't rude, I go days where I don't feel like talking to anyone, so I totally understand!

I am so sorry you feel so badly, you really do have some toxic things going on in your life.
I promise, it will get better!

Talk to you later, call anytime...you know you won't bother me, if I am asleep I just don't answer! Most times don't even hear it.

Today is appmts day for you, right? Hope you get some support and help there.

hugs!

Tena

[nandm]

Jenna, sending positive thoughts your way today. I agree with Tena, things will get better. I know things seem very bleak right now but please hang in there. :ghug2

[jurneyman]

Jenna, Who knows, we know your pain, and the hopelessness you feel, by your openly sharing with the others here on this thread, knowing that many us have lived with the same feeling of helplessness that you are living with, and got through it. There is a trust, because in your heart you know we are concerned and really do care, in the very same way that you have supported us in our time of need. Even if we can't be there with you personally, we can send positive thoughts and prayers. If some of the isolation can be diminished by connecting to those here who won't judge or be be critical it can
make it easier to be open and honest by venting your frustration, relieving some of the the pent up anger, and sometimes even rage, at the depression controlling your life.

[shutterbug]

Thanks guys.

Tena, i didn't go to any appts today. i couldn't find the paper that had my therapy appt on it and didn't get a call back from therapist (i think he might have called at 3 p.m., but i also think that was the time of the appt. - i haven't checked the voice mail yet).

i wasn't about to drive to the city today not knowing for sure. So i went back to sleep. i slept all day yesterday, most of last night and today until a few moments ago.

Not going to GA either, as it starts in 30 minutes and i'm a mess and just don't feel like doing anything or going anywhere...not even to the bank (which i really need to do to deposit the check that came today -- which i also know won't cover the amount i'm in the hole....i'm starting to wonder if someone is making charges in my acct.)

i felt okay when i woke a few moments ago, but finally found my Provigil and took it and now i feel like throwing up. That's odd, so i'm not sure what the deal is there.

going to lay back down.

Jenna