Bipolar/Depression Journal Part VI

[shutterbug]

okay, where to start.

--> I haven't 'officially' gambled since my first GA meeting on Thursday, but i did slip in a small way by buying a scratch ticket at the gas station when i went in to pay gas. It was a $2 ticket and i won $18 (so really only $16).

I am especially proud of myself for staying at sis's friday night and not being tempted to drive down the road to the biggest casino in our town.

i have a plan to NOT deposit my unemployment checks for a while. Not having the money in the bank is a HUGE help...especially since i tend to gamble in the middle of the night and there's no where for me to cash the check(s) in the middle of the night.

That said, i still am aware of the $ i DO have in my checking account and just in this moment i felt a bit of a strong pang to go play. But i won't.

The plan this week is to open a savings account at another bank and deposit ALL non-necessary income into that account. If they send an ATM card then I am going to cut it up. I don't want to have any kind of fast or simple access to that money. I NEED a camera....and if the money isn't in my checking acct, then i won't spend it.

i did really well about not gaming when i didn't know where i was going to get $ to pay the bills and eat with...or put gas into my car for my doc appts in the city. $ seems to burn a hole in my pocket if i 'know' it's in my checking acct.

My goal is to have $1,000 (or a camera purchased) by the time Tena and Danny arrive.

i believe i can 'win' over this addiction by choosing other ways to focus my time and energy.

--> Which, is partially why i contacted my former best friend from when i worked at my hometown paper....about starting back walking again. We use to go after work 2-3 times a week.

She was soooooo excited about me e-mailing her to ask if she'd want to start walking again. She said she's gained about 20 pounds above what she already desperately needed to lose for her own health issues and so her husband and doc have been pushing her to start back walking. She said she just didn't want to go walking by herself (and like me, she's not a morning person so the only real time for her to walk is in the evenings after work...and sometimes she works quite late, which works well for me also).

So, she's determined to start walking with me by week's end. Which will be good for us both, physically AND emotionally and mentally.

I also messaged another former employee from that old paper who's stayed in touch over the years and asked her if she'd like to walk with us as well. And Tena has expressed interest in walking also when she gets here.

i think it's great to have several people in a 'girls walking group' b/c that way if 1 or 2 don't feel like walking 1 day then the others will still have someone to walk with that day.

--> With my meds all messed up right now, so has my energy level. Especially being out of my Lamictal (which i just found 1/2 a bottle i still have) and my Lamictal and being out of the Welbutrin for a couple weeks (which is now fixed also).

But it's obviously the Provigil that mostly helps my fatigue and wakefullness. So, i haven't hardly done any work on the house in a week or so. In fact, the only thing i've done in the past 3-4 days has been moving the living room around a bit to bring my desk in here and then hooking up this computer. (oh...and constantly attacking my ant infestation with windex, lol. i've GOT to get some vinager!)

---> Tena, I keep hoping I'll find that little digital camera my mom gave me a few months back, but i still haven't yet. I am still looking for it tho. I know it's here....somewhere. i want to take pics of the rooms and house to show u what kind of mess u guys are going to be walking into BEFORE u get here. If i can't find it by this week then i'm going to buy a throw-away one or something.

I also just realized that I need to make sure that the outside water facet works so we can hook up a water hose to your trailer; same with electrical outlet (which we can always run and extention cord through a window if needed, that wouldn't be hard at all). Mainly, I'm going to have to have my step-dad look at the water faucet out back. I kinda looked at it a bit last week and perhaps it just needs a new handle put on it, but i'm not sure. I'm going to get one of my tools out and see if i can turn it on. I think it's the only spout on the house. Would u like me to have a water hose already hooked up for when u get here or do you have one already?

Is the time-line still the same as before? I still want to send a few more things b4 you leave there. My brain is broken tho...i know there's several things i'm wanting to send u but right now all i can think of is the book on CD and a few more small blue things. Is there anythng u can think of that i'm forgetting already?

--> I'm going to try and push my step-dad to take a look at my washing machine this wekk. I really have soooooo many clothes and things that i want to get washed and put away.

--> i also hope to get enough energy and motivation to finish pulling up the carpet in the living room, paint the floor. If i can get both those tasks done that will be great....especially if i can make myself go even further and pull the carpet up in one of the other 2 rooms that need it done.

I definetly want to have all the carpet pulled up and floors painted (and all walls painted with a base coate) before u get here. I think that will make things so much better for a starting point by having that already done. Hopefully that's not just wishful thinking as i really want to have that part over with.

--> Taxes: i'm still working on tax stuff - and will be for a while. I suppose it's not-so-bad since i can work thru all that stuff on the days i don't feel like doing any physical tasks around here.

I'm praying that my federal tax refund WON'T go to my student loans, but if it does, it does. I only got 1/2 of the state refund i had coming....b/c apparently i owed about $50 from 2002 and so i had to pay about another $50 in penalties.

And, like i'd feared....filing my 2007 taxes perked up the IRS to my not having filed for several years. So, i got a letter telling me i need to file my 2006 taxes. Luckily, they didn't threaten with a deadline or anything, but the sooner i get my 2006 filed, the sooner i can start working on my 2005 and so on. I think i have to go clear back to 2002 or 2003 to get me all squared away. Ugh.

I'm just lucky to find the tax lady that my mom did. I think she's only going to charge me $25 for each year....and didn't charge me the $100 she normally charges for my 2007 stuff (as a return of a favor to my mom....which my mom is demanding i give HER $100 if i do get my federal tax refund. I think i'm going to only give her $50 and then give her another $50, but tell her she HAS to put it toward the $ i owe her from when she paid off the small remaining balance on my car loan, without my asking or telling me, however).

--> So, my lil cousin is pregnant. I want to make sure she AT LEAST starts taking some prenatal vitamins....IF i can get a hold of her. And i'm going to tell her that if she wants to, i will pay for and find a way for her to see a therapist 2-4 times a month. However, i doubt she'll do it, but i'm hoping she will.

I also want to hurry up and get my camera so i can take some themed pics of her ASAP and then some artsy prgnancy pics once she gets big bellied (and then, of course, lots and LOTS of newborn baby pics once the child is born).

--> it was nice visiting my nephews this weekend. Last time i visited, i was so hung up on gambling that i didn't sleep in the bed with sis, so i didn't get any morning cuddles. Although, sis told me that the last time b4 this one, she had laid down for the night and sometimes sleeps on the other side of the bed (where i usually sleep when there)....and the blond one told her she HAD to move over to HER side b/c that was Aunt Jenny's side. lol. And then he was a bit upset with me that i didn't end up staying the night. Which he told me about on Saturday.

So this time, he crawled into bed around 3 a.m. and cuddled with me until morning when his brother came crawling in. the dark-haired one crawled in btwn his brother and I and cuddled with me (he's more of a momma's boy so he doesn't cuddle with me as much as his brother). It was cute b/c his brother had wet in his night-time pants and pulled them off, so he was bare-butt when he crawled into his mom's bed. And it was cute b/c the dark-haired one didn't want his naked brother cuddling with him....or even touching him at all. LOL It was kinda funny b/c he'd yell at him if their legs touched telling him that he was naked and so he had to move.

i woke up later and, of course, the bare-butt blond was TOTALLY cuddled up to his sleeping brother and was also asleep with his head on his brother's chest. I wish I'd had a camera! it was soooooo cute!

Then later sis told me that when she woke, the dark-headed one was literally using my face as a pillow. LOL.

Oh....and the cursing has started. I took away something they were fighting over and the blond one exclaimed, "What the hell!"

--> I was also a bit disappointed earlier today when mom told me my sis ended up finding someone to babysit so she could go out Saturday night. I don't see how she can be so "holier than thou" about my mentioning things with the boys that i notice (as an outsider) when she even admits coming up with every possible reason to stay away from home.

She rarely plays with them or loves on them (from what i see when there). If not on the computer or engrossed in a t.v. show then she's either not there or running out the door....or else yelling at the live-in, ex-husband or the boys.

I've never seen her read to them or really try to engage them in much of anything....and can usually not be torn away from the computer or t.v. to tend to anything having to do with them. This has mostly been the case over the past 1-2 years. When there were babies, she was a good mom and tried to do her best.

she doesn't want any REAL help with them...but yet she won't address things herself.

I think i even preturbed her this weekend for the simple fact that her dog likes to go outside with me when i go out to smoke (and no one else takes her out very often). So when i visit, the dog tends to lay near me a lot. But it was when i got up to go out and simply said, "come on, Q", and the dog came running immediately, that it made her a little mad. She gave a little smirky laugh and i asked her why? she wouldn't answer so i just turned it onto me saying something googy just before, but i could tell it bothered her that her dog was so eagerly obedient to me.

Which, obviously, if it bothers her with her dog...then it's going to bother her about her twins...even if it IS something that makes things better for them and her.

I was just REALLY lucky about how i got the blond one to start wearing his night-time pants without it looking like 'I' was the one who got him to do it. Which was nice b/c now none of us get peed on in the middle of the night any more, and my sister doesn't have any negativity toward me for having helped.

That was just a lucky turn of events that worked out perfectly after I had a very brief conversation with my nephew. But, unfortunately, i don't see a way to get my sis to accept that one, or both, may have ADHD and take them to a professional for possible diagnosis and help.

I wish I'd not have said anything now. I should've kept my mouth shut. Because, thinking about it now, it'll make her more determined for the boys NOT to ever be diagnosed. I mean, I now realize, that even if she finally takes them in for a possible diagnosis....even years from now, and a doc tells her that the DO have ADHD, then she's going to resent me for being right about HER children.

I just wish she could just be open to the help and different insight of others. It's not like I'm always saying things about the boys actions or defiance or anything. I understand how my doing so would make her more defensive and upset...and how that would just not be good for me to be so opinionated about her and her family in their presence.

But, i also don't like seeing my nephews not learning to respect authority figures or learning how to ever mind anyone. I know how their childhood affecs their adulthood, unfortunately.

What's odd tho....is that this weekend, my sister reminded me about when she had our lil' cousin (the now pregnant one) taken away from her mom for awhile b/c her mom wasn't properly taking care of her. I was off at college during that time, so i don't know most of what happened or the situation at all, but i know how my aunt was (i mean, she bought me my first pack of cigs when i was like 14 or something, such b/c, and nearly bought a pack for my sis too, then just 11 or 12).

I guess, i just don't understand fully how my sister could be sooooo incredibally strong and responsible back then to help a child....and then not even want to put any effort into raising her own children now.

I think part of it, is learned from the way our father raised us. He was never there for us emotionally or mentally, and thought that as long as he took care of our physical needs of a roof over our head and (sometimes) food on the table...that he was doing what was necessary as a parent.

It seems that's almost exactly how my sister has turned into acting.

Obviously, i don't know what it's totally like to be a parent of twin boys who aren't quite 5 yet, but her MAIN reasoning is that she's always got work to do. The problem there is that she makes about $60,000 (or possibly more) a year and yet she found it totally necessary to start a home-biz with selling Pampered Chef products. So not only does that take her out of the home several nights a month, but she's also gone on at least 3 out-of-state trips since starting it all several months ago. And on the weekends, that's when she enters all her sales and party reservations and other data into her computer program -- to the point that she often stress over how much work she has to get done over the weekend.

It's obvious to me that the extra home-based job is just something to take her physically and mentally away from home and the boys during her off hours and days.

Why??????

Why arn't my nephews the most important in her life? Her own children? It seems that money and feeling important are her main priorities. And that just breaks my heart

[shutterbug]

well, that was such a massive rant! I haven't ranted like that in a while. LOL

It also bothers me that she looks down on me. She feels that since she has a big, nice house, full of expensive things; and kids and a slave of an ex-husband; and a nice car and job (which she hates and often misses so much of that mom and I have wondered how she couldn't be getting into trouble for all the absenses).....that somehow she thinks she's sooooo much better than me.

i know i shouldn't let it bother me, but that's why my occationally trying to help with my nephews bothers her so bad to the point of her getting angry at me. I'm so much less in her mind that how could 'I' possibly know something she isn't already aware of....or how could 'I' possibly have a simple solution to a problem she hasn't been able to resolve. In her mind, I can't and therefore it's a GIANT put down to her.

Ugh!

It's the reason she rushed so quickly into marriage and started invetro within months of the wedding. (which, the invetro, is also probably why she ended up with twins). And it's also the reason she was so furious with me for graduating college on the same day as her. It took me 6.5 years to finish...and it only took her 4, and therefore, if she gotten to graduate even a day before me then, in her mind, she had beaten me and therefore proved further that she was better than me.

She even yelled at me about the whole 'graduating on the same day' saying why should she have to suffer when she finished in the typical 4 years and it took me an extra 2.5 years. I pointed out to her the difference in our colleges and how much harder a state college was (as I'd attended a private college while still in high school, and then another my freshman year and a couple classes from another later b/c i wasn't able to pass one of the classes at my state college). She never believed that of course.

I couldn't help but giggle last month when one of her best friends made a wise crack, out of the blue, about how easy the college is that she went to. Needless to say, my sister hasn't invited me along to hang out with the two of them together since (even tho they've gone out several times since).

My sister views me as a failure for it having took me 6.5 years to get my bachelor's degree. But being the first generation in our family to even attend college, and mostly my just pushing to graduate at all (dispite my first major depressive episode in the middle and all the other struggles i faced then)....I view it as one of my greatest successes.

I literally graduated against all odds. And if my sister could have had her way....i think she would have never wanted me to graduate at all.

-----------
Anyway, i like what Tena has said lately that, "living well is the best revenge."

It was kinda nice when i had this last job b/c i had a good job that also allowed me to do fun and exciting things that most people don't EVER get to do. And i was even getting regular concert tickets to photograph all the major concerts that came to our town's giant casino (luckily, i wasn't gambling then). But, the PR guy always left me 2 tickets so i could bring someone with me. That usually meant my sis.

So....it meant that she couldn't realistically look down her nose at me as being a low-life, failure. But now, now she has reason......i'm once again an unemployed mental case living in a shack owned by family, and still having no man who wants to be with me.

okay, enough of the sister rant.

[nandm]

Wow, Jenna you have been busy. Glad to see the update.

Are there wood floors under the carpet? If so you might be able to salvage them and get them looking nice again without a lot of trouble. I just love real wood floors. I think they give a house character.

I am proud of you for going to GA. I know it can be hard to get started in something like that. For me it was and is AA. But the rewards gained from following a 12 step program can be awesome. For me I lost the obsession to drink. My life today is so much better than my life drinking. I have also learned the tools that help me manage my own side of the street rather than spending my time trying to change things I have no control over. I hope you continue and that it works for you. I am assuming that GA has steps like AA. One thing I had big issues with at first with AA was the "God/Higher Power" thing. I finally got around my issues by using the concept of electricity. All living things have an electricity in them. Our hearts work on an electrical system. That is what keeps it beating, the firing of the different nodes on different areas of the heart. Our muscles also work with an electrical type thing. Electricity/energy is what powers thunderstorms. Plants utilize energy to grow, not only do the use energy but they are producers of it. So long story short here what I used was the fact that I don't fully understand how electricity/energy works or is produced but I know it is more powerful than I, so it is a Power greater than myself. From this simple concept I have been able to expand that concept utilizing Buddist and American Indian concepts. Today I still don't believe in the God of religion but I do accept that there is a power in the universe that is definately more powerful than I.

Onto a different topic. I can relate so much to your sister in what you are describing. I am sure our reasons are probably different but I was very much like your sister. I would work 2 and 3 jobs while my children were young and felt that since I was providing for them financially that I was being a good parent. What I was missing though was the fact that I was not there emotionally for my children. I think it has to do a lot with during my childhood I learned to hide my emotions and disconnect from them to escape the reality I lived in. Unfortunately, I did not realize how unavailble I was to my children until I was several years sober. Today I am still working on unlearning the disassociation of my feelings and be more of a mother to my children but it has taken a long time to make the little progress I have made so far. My emotional unavailability created a lot of problems for my children but fortunately, they realize today that it was not because I did not love them but rather because I am sick. They are supportive of me as they know I am doing my best to work through all this and become the person I can be; a person who is emotionally there for those that I love rather than the person I was (and in some ways still am) that gives material things to people to show my love and care for them since I have so much trouble expressing my care for them any other way. I don't know if this helps you understand your sister any better as I have no way of knowing if she is like me in that respect but I do hope it helps in some way.

I am glad you are back online. You were missed. I am glad you have got some meds to get you through for a while. Hopefully they can get you through until you can afford to get more. Let me know if you or Live can think of anything else that might help your home feel more like home. I might be able to come up with something......maybe my next painting will be a butterfly (I might try abstract for that). If it turns out ok then I will send it to you.

[shutterbug]

My COBRA should kick into full gear this week. That will be a HUGE weight off my shoulders!! But, the hard part will be meeting the payment of $350 each month on time. It's technically due on the first of each month, but you have the month to pay it. The SCARY part is that if you forget or are unable to pay it by the end of the month.....then you're done! That's it. Finished. Dropped. NO INSURANCE! Ahhhhhhh!

so I'm going to have to be VERY careful not to let it slip from my mind b/c they don't send you ANY monthly reminders or anythng!

What i'm going to have to do is get it paid up a month ahead so i will have more of a cushion if something happens or i forget.

well, i've journaled away a couple hours now so i guess i'm gunna stop for now.

hugs,
Jenna

[nandm]

Jenna, someday I hope that you can see the person that many of us see inside of you. You are by no means a failure to me. I see an intelligent, talented, strong woman. Your intelligence shows through in your posts. Your talent is quite visible in your photos. Your strength comes out in the fact that you are alive and still trying to move forward despite the road blocks that bipolar has presented for you.

Look at all you have done to make that ramshackled place a home. Look at all that you and Live are going to do to continue to make it a home. I rather doubt your sister would have done all that in your shoes. In fact, many people would have just given up. I see you still putting one foot in front of the other even if it just means getting out of bed and unpacking one box that day. A failure quits trying when they are down, they just fail to try to get back up. I have seen in your posts that even when you have been so low and frustrated you did not know where to turn, you still kept trying. You are not alone with mental illness causing a problem with jobs. I have been fired from two. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day you will see that your life will change. I love the fact that you are going to start walking. It is great exercise.

Take care.

[shutterbug]

Morning Nan!

Yeah, they are oak wood floors under the yucky carpet that's been down for over 35 years. The oak is soooo solid that the plumber had a terrible time cutting thru it! I thought he was going to break the tip right off his electric saw!! All it was doing was BARELY making marks in the wood. lol

The plan is to get the carpet up and just paint the floors until we get around to sanding or whatever. The bare floors looks so horrible from the years and the pets that i couldn't handle looking at it un-painted for any length of time. But, i think the plan is to eventually rent a professional sander and sand the floor, at least 1 room, down to the pretty and fresh wood grain and then stain or whatever is needed to make it nice and sealed.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to see the emotionally unavailable side of things and have been able to work on that and grow closer with your children. You deserve a HUGE round of applause for that!!

My fear is that my sister is so stubborn and has such a superiority complex that I'm fearful that she'll never see any of what you've discovered. I've kept thinking about it lately and it boggles me that my sister doesn't have any addiction issues (other than work). I also wonder if she 'might' have gambling issues as well. Her live-in, ex-husband is addicted to gambling and is why he is her slave....b/c she controls his life and his money and he won't seek help for himself. But, my sister gambles a lot also as an escape (same reason i started), but it doesn't really appear that it's grown out of control for her.

However, even our lil' cousin commented to me that she's in awe about my sister recently having such financial troubles. She had been REALLY struggling to pay the bills and everything and was desperately racing to re-finance her home to help her get by. Like our lil' cousin said, "she's always been soooo responsible financially," and she just didn't understand how my sister, of all people, could get in such a situation.

i know part of my sister's problem is un-controlled shopping at times. Once she got the home loan or whatever it was, she both several things including a huge office desk and nice cushy chair that she was adimate about setting up in the living room. Her ex-husband and i knew it would look rediculous where she was putting it, but that's what she wanted and where.

I also knew she wouldn't use it...and she doesn't. It's just a storage spot for junk....like a junk drawer, except there's no drawers so everything u can imagine is sprawled everywhere that you car hardly find a place to set down a glass. I'm sure she spent at least $300 on this piece of furniture she never uses and looks totally out of place in her living room. But if she wants somethng, she wants it.

I don't know.

I do know that i too am codependant and have to hold myself back from getting in other people's lives and i'm more than sure that I shouldn't have my sis and nephews on my mind this much, but i don't have children and she's my only blood sister (tho Tena is my only true sister) so it's hard to pull myself back completely.

Also, one thing i've learned since my starting toward working on a non-codie life style....is that it can be lonely! When u don't have children, a significant other or many friends (for about a year i only had my mom!)....well, it's lonely.

I'm sure many would say that's not b/c of changing my codie ways, but for me it has been a big part of it.....directly b/c of the people in my life - like my sister and my dad. They don't see how they use others....all they see is if YOU are there for THEM. And if you're not, then you must not care. Maybe my sister cares a little about me, but honestly if i'm not stuck in a codie pattern with me the giver and her the taker, then we don't have a relationship. Same with my dad (only he tries a little at first, only to end up being worse than sis soon after).

My mom, on the other hand, is a giver, but a resentful one who makes the person feel guilty even when they are trying to repay her favors in small, but fairly consistant efforts. She is quick to give, but even quicker to hold it over your head.

Me....I suppose I'm not without fault in the mix either. How could i be! I'm a bit of both i suppose. I resented my ex-fiance a great deal for my having to support him while i put myself through college and him spending any money he did make (from a job i forced him to get) on himself and his car. I did hold that over his head all the time when we would fight -- which was usually caused from him accusing me of no good while i was at work or him just being a lazy, cheating looser. But all that also was my fault for putting up with it rather than just ending it for good way before i finally did.

But, somewhere along the way....i just stopped giving to others of myself and money (for the most part) and started focusing on me instead. So now i often feel selfish and guilty for NOT being more helpful to others. And i definetly feel guilty if someone helps me and i can't return the help fairly quickly b/c then i feel selfish. And even tho i see both sides to that...i can't change how strongly i feel such.

The kindness Tena and Danny have shown me and continue to is one huge, giant test of all that. No one has ever given so much to me in my life. I try not to think about it, but it's hard for me to wrap my head around and not feel emotions about it.

Just like when my mom and step-dad came to help me move this last time. It was like 105 degree weather and the 3 of us loaded the bed of a truck and a giant trailer to the brim (so much that 1/2 of the stuff tumbled out of the trailer and we had to re-load that stuff and tie it all back up better).

The problem for me was that i'm not as fit and definetly was still very, very ill (emotionally, mentally and physically -- remember i didn't eat for 3 days straight the week of my firing and barely ate for weeks before that, loosing nearly 20 pounds in that last week). So i had to take MANY more resting breaks from caring boxes and things. And i had about 20 boxes of really heavy books and old cameras.

it was excrutiatingly painful for me to have to take breaks while watching them continue working. I tried to get them to take breaks with me, but they wouldn't stop. I knew i would get very physically ill if i hadn't been taking the breaks. And i hated when my mom moved heavy things by herself -- she has more back trouble than i do most times.

the guy smoking buddy from the paper had told me that there was a compuany that would move you for $200 - truck, labor and all. I was frightened of having money to live on, since i didn't know how long it'd take before i'd get my first check for unemployment benefits, but i would have MUCH rather spent the money than to have witnessed them working so miserably to help me move. But mom wouldn't have allowed that since they are very miserly.

But as a result, i feel a giant weight of edebtedness to them for that move alone.

So, Tena's not going to like me saying this, but once they arrive and start helping me around here....well, i probably need to stay in therapy right now if for that alone. As odd as I'm sure it seems, it's going to be VERY difficult to accept such help. But that's also a big reason why i feel such a strong need to send them pictures of the inside and outside of this place before they arrive -- so they'll know what they are truely getting themselves into. I know I'd want to run and hide! lol

I mean, i wish I'd take pics as soon as the first day i started sleeping here....back when a person could barely walk thru a single room. But even now with all the work i've done so far...it's still a nightmare, barely livable.

So, it's an extreme mixure of excitement and fear. But mostly, I can't wait for the company of the two angels. It's going to be a weird thing to have two people so close who care about me so much. Hopefully, it will help teach me how to accept love - a foriegn concept to me.

Nan....thank you soooo much for your view on the whole 'higher power' topic. GA is based off of AA, which is part of why it was a little difficult to make the move to attend meetings. I'm not really a fan of the 12 steps, but i know they work well.

Not believing fully in 'God' is completely against the way i've been all my life. I mean, church attending was a very religious thing for me growing up (and not b/c of my family, but my 'adopted family'). I attended every Sunday morning, night and Wednesday service ...and Bible quizzing meetings during other days. And now....now i feel like a giant sinner for questioning the existance of God.

One of the last big prayers i said was that the guy i'd been talking to online would call me on the phone the day i got fired (i'd called him first and left a message). And i prayed that if a relationship with him wasn't meant to be that he'd facilitate some fairly easy ending to it all before it got to a point that would really hurt me.

Both happened. I spent a couple hours the evening of my firing laughing my butt off from talking to this very comedic and sarcastic guy. I didn't tell him about any of my troubles or firing and I went to bed that night smiling instead of contemplating suicide as i had the night (and many days and nights that week) before. And then within a week or two of mostly casual conversations texting and phoning....he stopped right as he was suppose to be coming back to our state and town. It did hurt a bit (as obvious from my previous journals about him), but it didn't devistate me like it had if I'd have met him and anything had really started and then been rejected.

And the funny thing? That in that prayer.....I said something like, "God,if u really do exist....please, I beg you."

And perhaps he did.

But, i also have a lot of other thoughts and feelings about how a 'God of love' can possibly allow so much pain and suffering to continue in this world.

So, i don't know.

that's why i appreciate your view of a 'higher power.' Because i've struggled with the outloud readings done at some of the GA meetings that specifically say 'God.'

-------
Here's a side note: My mom is also very religious and attends church now every Sunday and often on Wednesdays and even volunteers for special events. And anyone with Christianity in their current or past life knows about tithing and how we are suppose to tithe 10 %.

Well, the funny thing is that when here tax friend was going over my tax stuff with me for 2007, she mentioned my donation to the United Way through my paycheck from work (the total was divided into the number of paychecks in the year and then that much was taken out every two weeks from my pay).

My mom scoulded me for having donated the amount i did!! She said it would have been that much more $ to have helped me, even AFTER i pointed out to her that it was ONLY 5% of my income....and not even the full 10% commanded by the Bible.

Isn't it funny how people can be so hippacritical!

hugs,
Jenna

[nandm]

I can so relate to your feelings about accepting help from people. I am terrible about doing for others but when it comes to me asking or accepting help I have a lot of trouble doing it. I think sometimes it stems from feeling so unworthy for such a long time. I spent the first 30 years of my life trying to be what I thought everyone believed I should be. It was miserable and in the process I lost who I really am. It has only been over the past 13 years of so that I have regained myself and have learned that I can not please all the people all the time, and some people will never be happy no matter what I do. I like the saying that what others think of me is none of my business because it reminds me that the only person I have to work at keeping happy is the one I see in the mirror each day. But I still have trouble accepting help. I don't want to appear weak and helpless in fact I have fought most of my life to avoid that appearance because for me it wasn't safe. Being tough and not allowing anyone to see that I could be hurt was a definate safety net for me. But in the long run that is part of what made me so unavailble to my children. It has also affected every relationship I have ever had even my current one. I am learning more and more that there are some people I can trust enough to reach out and ask for help from. That those people don't expect me to be strong all the time. They want me to be human which at times means I will be weak or in need.

I am glad the "God" concept helped. Being raised in the church and my father being a deacon, my mom the church secretary really made it hard for me to accept the God of my childhood. The reason being, my father is a pedophile. Talk about hypocritical! I also started questioning at an early age, about 6 y/o, how a God of love could let people in other countries die and go to hell because they had not had the opportunity to learn about him. Or how he could let people die, bad things happen to the innocent, etc.... It actually left me rather angry at God. I actually went through a phase where I felt anyone who was religious must be a hypocrit, someone I could not trust. Today I know that it isn't about religion it is what is inside that makes the person a good or bad person. There are religious people who are bad just as in any group of people. That is just life. I am more open to the God of my childhood today but it has taken me a long time to get there.
Since I am on the subject of religion, tithing is one of those things that I question from the Bible. I think many times people of religion take one or two passages from a chapter in the Bible, pull them out of context so they can apply them to whatever they are against or for at the time. For a long time the Bible was used to subjigate the black American population and justify slavery, the laws against them voting. Then it was used to justify keeping women down. Today they pull about 7 different passages out of the Bible to justify their hatred of the gay population. Each of the passages when put into the context that they were written in have either nothing to do with gay people. The one big one that they use about a man laying with a man being a sin is actually from the same chapter that speaks about not eating pork, a woman being property of her husband and if he dies she is to marry his brother, a women is to keep getting pregnant until she produces a male heir, etc... and was written as instructions for priests to set themselves apart from the general public. Sorry for the rant. I have made a point to study the Bible to learn about these passages because I guess a part of me still believes in that God but maybe in a different way than I was brought up to think.

I see you must be having trouble sleeping as well tonight. It is almost 3 am here. Fortunately I had two nights in a row where I got to sleep before midnight and actually slept well. Guess that I should be thankful for that.

[Live]

Thanks for the dialogue! I have so enjoyed reading it.

I am sorry I have been so unavailable. Just juggling too many things and am exhausted early evening and go to bed. But I get up before sunrise!

Now, again ....so much to do, so little time.

Yes, we would love photos!

[KatieRose]

Thanks Jenna.
I may start a new thread though.

[ArchOtori]

Bipolar and fighting heroin

[nandm]

Archotori, welcome to SR and our mental health forum. You might consider starting a new thread and introducing yourself to the other members to give them a chance to get to know you. :ghug2

[shutterbug]

Welcome Arch! Yes feel free to start a thread to introduce yourself or ask questions or talk about anything. And you are always free to talk or ask questions here in this thread also. There's not a ton of us in this forum, but many of us are loyal consumers. lol

Katie....it's nice to see you checking in! Hope you stick around for a while!

Nandm. OMGosh, i'm soooo sorry to hear about your childhood. I can't imagine how difficult that would have been to grow up with. Can you tell me more about how you've managed to stop feeling so worthless over the past 13 years or so? I'm just one big ball of those negative feelings and can't seem to shake them....especially when severly depressed.

For me...accepting help is a little bit of a different feeling. I'm use to feeling weak and worthless. For me ....it's a STRONG emotion of guilt for others doing things for me...especially physical labor on my behalf. I even struggled with my ex-fiance who was very particular about having to clean the house everyday before he would even shower or go anywhere. After I while I got use to it (and even came to expect it since it was the only thingg he contributed to the relationship...period). But it took me a long time to not feel guilty about it. Even when i was extremely sick and doing good not to be in the hospital...it was painful to watch him clean up around me while i did nothing.

It's a sence of selfishness to see others physically doing things on my behalf. Heck, even with the gas guy or electric people or plumbers or whatever....it hits some damaged part of me inside and i feel an overwhelming sense of needing to help even these people who are being paid to do the work!!!

That's why it was almost necessary for me to go in my room and sleep during the 2 days the plumbers were here!!! And I'm going to have to pay back my parents for the $600 they charged for the job!

i don't know how else to explain it...and i don't know where it comes from other than a severe sense of being unworthy of being helped by others. Unworthy...i guess that's the best way to describe it.

Tena, the trashcan is nice. It's tall and silver with a black lid that fits snuggly into the top of it. It has the sensor, and also has buttons for open and close. It takes 4 giant batteries...D batteries, i'm guessing. And came with a manual, tho i'm not one to read manuals unless absolutely necessary. lol

My step-dad said there are actually 2 faucets on the outside of the house and the nearest one works, it's just that it was dripping before and so he tightened it extremely tight and that i'd never be able to tighten it back enough to keep it from dripping. But, i also pointed out that wouldn't be a problem since there would be a hose hooked up to it while your here and the leaking wouldn't be a problem. He said he can always just put a new faucet on it. So that's one less thing to worry about. Yay!

===
On the interesting front....a graphic designer who worked at the paper with me over a year ago (and whom i actually bought this computer from)....e-mailed me today!

I'd been wanting to find his e-mail address to tell him 'hi' but hadn't looked for it yet. We've occationally kept in touch since he quit back when for a better job with a non-profit city organization....and I even photographed his wedding a year or two ago.

Their relationship is one of those beautiful and 'love above all' sort of commitments. He's probably the most awsome guy i've ever known....and, of course, i could have fallen totally and helplessly in love with him as a 'soul mate'...but alas he was taken by a wonderful woman already. LOL So, I just feel lucky to be a friend who occationally hears from him. I really do hope for them that their love lasts forever because they really have something sooo very special and rare.....but, of course, i don't think i'd be tooo terribly torn-up if it didn't quite work out for them. oh, that's terrible of me to even let a small part of my brain think, but i'm pretty certain they'll grow old together very happily. So.....perhaps, they might have some special and un-attached guy friend i might eventually be introduced to! I mean, if you want good and healthy people to come into your life.....what's a better way than staying friends with and hanging out with the few I already know!!!! Since like-minds and hearts tend to circle together....maybe i could someday end up as a single duck's 'goose' from one of these healthy circle of friends!!! LOL

okay, that was a bit too silly.

okay, apparently i'm a little 'up'. Ask Tena! I was jabbering 90/mph earlier!! I don't even know if i was stopping to breath inbetween tales!!

okay, i'm hungry....what do i want to eat tho? Nothing here, but cereal, strawberry oatmeal or waffles w/o syrup or butter. lol

hummmm....

[historyteach]

Hi, ArchOtori!
Welcome to SR and the Mental Health forum!
I look forward to getting to know you.

Jenna,
It's woderful readingso much from you again. You've got a plate full, alright, but, bit by bit, you're getting the place done. Good for you!

I had my first day as shop steward, and had to deal with two issues already! OY! LOL!
We *may* have to file a grievance for the music teacher, who has four computers that haven't worked for over a year. Still *waiting* for the work order to be completed! *NOT*
And we averted a grievance by a phone call for a purchase order that's already been approved, but, was being held up by downtown. In the meantime, a music teacher has no instruments for his sixth period class!

And the principal called me in for a problem with a counselor who won't work in her office cuz there's mouse droppings in there. He's giving her rooms to work in while he is getting that fixed, but, wanted her to sign a paper saying it's only temporary, cuz she'll be in five classrooms, in violation of the contract. She *could* file a grievance. She wanted to "think" about signing it. She was really PO'd about how he asked her/told her to sign it.
I advised her to sign, based on the fact that his concern was valid, and that there was a disclaimer to her signature stating that she doesn't have to agree with the content of the note she signed, just that she read it. So, she did, but, then started bawling! OY! He left me with her while she calmed down....
Then, we both talked afterwards.

I have a meeting tomorrow about my duties and responsibilities as steward -- in short -- a meeting to learn what to do. Seems to me like it's learning by trial!
But, I think I'm going to like it.
And I know I'm going to learn alot. I guess I'd better get the contract out and re-read it! LOL! It's been a while....

Anyway, be well, everyone!
Shalom!

[shutterbug]

wow Teach!! What a merry-go-round of a first day on the job!! I hope it's not always going to be so stressful! That sounds like it could break a person like me in just a short time! i'm glad to hear you are enjoying the job so far tho. Sounds like you're the perfect person for the job! Best wishes!!

[Live]

That is one item I paid alot for...should have included the batteries, so you could see the robot trash can LOL!

I don't think your ideas about being around healthy people and meeting someone are at all silly!

Love,
Tena

[Live]

I think it is just the right thing for Teach! Rock on!

[historyteach]

Thanks, Jenna!
Thanks, Tena!

I'm going to like it, cuz it's going to give me the opportunity to learn about the inner workings of the union.
And, it's going to give me a bit of cash too. Not much, really. A few hundred dollars for the year. But, it's spending money, of which I have none now! LOL!
And, it will afford me a bit of protection too. The principals never like to **** off the union steward! Should have been the steward at the last job!

Anyway, it was good to see a different side to the principal today. He was really concerned about the counselor who got upset. I'm sure he wanted to cover his arse too, but, he really was concerned about her being upset. It's the first time I saw him as anything but an efficient, business like, to the point, leader type man. Not *cold* per say, but, not warm and fuzzy either, lol! So, it was good to see this side of him; mostly good to know it's there. It will serve me good to know it's there in the future.

My goal is to work with him as much as humanly possible. I have no desire to have grievances going all the time. Or to be aggressively against the administration. This principal has been decent thus far. And seems to want to do things right. We have a common goal of teaching the children. So, it's important to keep that goal in the fore as we work together for their benefit, while still maintaining our rights as workers.

Anyway, tomorrow is the meeting where I'm supposed to learn how to do my job. It'll be interesting!

Shalom!

[nandm]

Teach, sounds like it might be something you will enjoy.

Jenna, I can not say exactly what changed my view of myself over the past years. It was more a combination of things. I started reading more positive books. One that was particularly helpful is called "Feel the Fear and do it Anyway". I can't remember the authors name. I also started collecting positive and encouraging quotes from different people. I would read at least one a day. One I found particularly useful is "The Man in the Mirror". Here it is. I did substitute woman for man. I do know it sounds kind of silly but it did help to think about it several times during the day. It helped me to realize that if I am the only person who can change me into the person I want to be.

When you get all you want and you struggle for self,

and the world makes you queen king for a day,

then go to the mirror and look at yourself

and see what that woman man has to say.

For it isn't your mother, your father or husband wife

whose judgment upon you must pass,

but the woman man, whose verdict counts most in your life

is the one staring back from the glass.

She's He's the fellow to please,

never mind all the rest.

For she's he's with you right to the end,

and you've passed your most difficult test

if the woman man in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,

And think you're a wonderful gal guy,

But the woman man in the glass says you're only a bum

If you can't look her him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world,

down the highway of years,

and take pats on the back as you pass.

But your final reward will be heartache and tears

if you've cheated the woman man in the glass.

The Steps of AA also helped me a lot with my self image/esteem. They helped me let go of a lot of guilt and resentment. Today, I know I am by no means perfect but I can look at myself in the mirror and be satisfied with who I am inside.

[shutterbug]

what about on the outside??!!

[nandm]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

what about on the outside??!!

That's a tough one. Today I weigh more than I would like to. I don't particularly like the hair I was born with. Feel my face is quite ordinary. How I deal with that today is I know that there are certain things I can not change. I can not, without plastic surgery, change my face. The only way I can change being over weight is eating healthier and exercising. Today I do that. I always pick the lower fat, lower calorie, more vegetables, and higher fiber foods when shopping. I don't deprive myself of sweets but I am aware of what I am eating today....for example instead of going to dairy queen and getting a large blizzard I try to satisfy the craving with a no sugar added serving of ice cream. If that doesn't cut it then the next day I will go and order a small blizzard. I also use the smaller bread plates to put my food on rather than the bigger dinner plates. I find I am still satisfied with the amount of food because it helps trick my brain into thinking that I had a whole plate of food. I also have tried to slow down when eating. Not eat in front of the tv or while standing. When I order meals out I almost always get a to go box when I get my order and automatically put half the meal in it. I have found that these simple things have helped a lot. In sobriety I put on over 40 pounds. I have taken 20 of that back off by these simple changes. I have tried a new hairstyle. Up until about 3 years ago I had always had long hair. I cut it all off. Today I have shorter hair. It is kind of like the Activia lady......can't think of her name just the commercial but like her haircut. Oh, Jamie Lee Curtis. Of course mine isn't that cute....lol. So what about the outside???? I guess my answer is I do what I can to change the outside and improve it but I also accept that there are certain things I just have to accept and can't beat myself up for. By the way the walking you are starting should be a great tool for building more lean muscle mass which in turn will help you lose weight if that is your goal.

[Live]

I feel guilty, I should have stated that the robot trashcan is for ME.

I want to walk with you too, Jenna! I have several goals with that.

I think a good part of my confidence comes from the things I have lived through and mostly have overcome. I did that, no one else did it for me!

[OXFORD]

I have absolutely no patience when it comes to reclaiming a decent sleep schedule. The thing is I absolutely am ready to give up alcohol but I'm still using it as some miracle resetter. Sleeping pills make me wanna kill myself, over the counter stuff like benadryl I abuse like candy cause low doses have zero effect on me. It's possible that matt is right and I should slep when I can, even if that is during the day and try slowly to change my habits cause they won't change with a miracle in one or two days.

[shutterbug]

Tena and Nan...i'm gunna hafta respond later b/c my brain hurts right now.

Oxford...i too struggle with sleep...as does Tena (Liveweyerd). In fact...i'm only up right now b/c i haven't gone to sleep yet. I'm too out of it to offer any suggestions at this moment, but i will come back on tonight and pass one a couple of things i've learned to use on occasion.

hugs,
jenna

[shutterbug]

I'm not feeling well today. I'm definetly in need of my Provigil.

Luckily, i called my COBRA rep today and, after some frustration, she made some calls and it appears my COBRA coverage will finally be up and running by tomorrow. She said if my pharmacy isn't seeing it up and going by noon for me to call her and she can strong arm somebody to get the green light turned on.

So, i've made the pharmacy call to refill everything and i'm crossing my fingers that i can pick them all up no later than tomorrow evening. Although, i've had to adjust my meds down to lower dosas so not to run out...and have run out of some anyway....so who knows how long it's going to take me to feel half-way normal again.

Last night was difficult b/c we suddenly got a cold front and at the time i laid down to sleep...it was about 42 degrees out, The problem is that none of my heaters are hooked up b/c of the gas-line problems we were having...and besides being an un-insolated house...i still have 2 large holes in my floors. So no heat at all. Three blankets and i was still quite cold. Mom is going to try and bring one of their electric heaters over today...since step-dad isn't feeling well enough to put any of the heaters back into service today.

I.....I am must feeling like crap. there are tons of things i need to be doing, but other than t.v. or this....i can't muster up anything. I'm going to make a coffee run shortly in hopes that it will help lift me out of this heavy funk.

I also must take a movie back. I had it in hand to return last night, but when i drove there and went to grab it....i realized all i had was the case and the disk was still in my DVD player.

My brain is just NOT working right at the moment. I can't seem to stay focused on any of the things that i really need to get done. It's very frustrating and a bit scary when i realize i've forgotten something important and that it hadn't even crossed my mind recently.

Also, i'm a little bummed b/c i went on Craigslist before going to bed and a local guy is selling his camera kit. It's not the quality i'm use to, but still decent enough, but at nearly $900. He paid around $1,500 for it he said. I wrote a detailed message to him asking if he'd be willing to come down any off the price....even in exchange for personal one-on-one photo training from my experience and he declined. I guess i'll try to accept it as meaning it's not the right camera kit for me and that i'll find something better on ebay or something.

well....i must have coffee to survive this day.

hugs,
jenna

[nandm]

Here are a few ads from craigslist here in Portland. If you find something you are interested in let me know. We could work something out where I pick it up and send it to you. I know only the minimum about cameras so I am not even sure if I picked the cameras you might be interested in. You can always look for yourself by going to the Portland, Oregon Craigslist site.

Nikon D80 w/lots of Extras - $900 (Hillsboro)
Reply to: sale-871783729@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-08, 3:28PM PDT

I love my camera but I need cash to pay some bills! I bought the camera in June of this year with all of the accessories listed below. Everything is in perfect condition and has been very well taken care of. Here is what I'm selling:

Nikon d80 (body, in box with all original accessories and manuals)

Extra battery (total of 2)

Nikkor 18-55mm VR Lens

Quantaray 55-200mm Lens

(2) 52mm UV filters

52mm Polarizer filter

SanDisk Extreme 2GB mem card (high speed)

and a Huge Quantaray Pro Series camera bag (tons of space inside)

All of these things are in their original boxes with all manuals and warranty info. I still have a copy of the original receipt from Wolf Camera (totaling $1117.90) if you want to use it to obtain warranty on camera and lenses. This is a great deal! Please only serious/reasonable offers. I will gladly meet with you and let you check it all out asap. Thanks!

Contact Spencer 5034428144

Nikon D50 w/18-55mm & 70-300VRmm + extras - $1100 (Portland)
Reply to: sale-871693554@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-08, 2:20PM PDT

I have a Nikon D50 Body up for sale along with the following extras.

D50 body $350
18 - 55mm Lens $50
70 - 300 mm VR lens $450
SB600 Flash $160
Multiple SD cards $?
3 Filters $? 2 batteries with quick charger
Lens Pen
Blow Ball
Lowe Pro Bag

You can buy the priced items singularly for the above prices or the whole package for $1100. Camera is about 20 months old and has about 15,000 pictures taken. I would prefer calls 801-400-4376 but emails are ok too.

Chris

Canon 5D Mint - $1550 (Lake Oswego)

Reply to: sale-871641765@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-08, 1:50PM PDT

Canon EOS 5D, Mint Condition, with all accessories from Canon USA, including battery charger, 2 batteries, software, video cable, original box, and original warranty card (unfilled). I've used the camera about 2 yrs, serviced it 8 months ago for pro cleaning of sensor, working perfect as new! low actuations on shutter!

Canon 40D body-brand new in box with warranty - $950 (se portland)
Reply to: sale-871212483@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-08, 9:07AM PDT

This is a brand new 40D body in box with full warranty from Canon USA.
BRAND NEW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
PS...This is not a stolen camera!!! I have all receipts. Call with any questions. Comes with two extra batteries...therefore it comes with three. $950.00 firm... If you want it with 28-135mm IS 3.5-5.6 lens it is yours for $ 1199.00.........Camera body has fewer than 30(that's right...thirty) accuations. Lens is brand new as well.
Call 503-860-5127 for more details

Nikon D70 Super Kit! Lens, Books, Batteries, Memory, More! - $650 (Vancouver)
Reply to: sale-870897523@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-08, 1:23AM PDT

Selling a Nikon D70 Digital-SLR super kit! Includes:
D70 body
18-70mm Nikon lens
Magic Lantern Guide to the D70 (manual that should have come with the camera!)
Lens filter
2 lithium batteries
2 CR2 battery trays (I suppose I could even throw in some CR2 batteries if I have 'em)
1 512 MB memory card
1 512 MB high speed memory card
Neck Strap
Battery charger
Battery covers
USB cable
Eye piece cover
All original boxes, bags, packing, manuals, reference guides, software, THE WORKS!

This was my first DSLR and was absolutely babied. Additionally, this camera is quite a bit more powerful, and has greater expansion options than today's entry level D-SLR's.

I had the sensor professionally cleaned just before packing it up too.

Bought it all new for oodles of dollars, looking for $650 for the whole thing.

Tim 360.907.1481

Canon EOS D60 complete camera – barely used!!! - $400 (Beaverton)

Reply to: sale-870821791@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 9:57PM PDT

Canon EOS D60 complete camera – barely used!!! $400 OBO
We were not technically savvy enough to get good use out of this camera, but our loss is your gain! It has spent most of its life in storage. Get your holiday shopping done early without having to pay shipping! Local interest only – we will not respond to any scams…

You can see all the specs at this link:
www.dpreview.com/reviews/CanonEOSD60/page2asp

Includes:
Body of Camera
Batteries and Charger
Strap
Carrying case
Also selling Canon Wireless Controller LC-4 Transmitter – This wireless controller consists of a transmitter and receiver, and is effective up to 100 m (330 ft). The receiver connects to the EOS-1V's remote control socket.
Online retailers selling between $419 - $620; asking $200 OBO.
Canon Speedlite 420EX Auto Flash - Fully swiveling bounce head zooms automatically over a range of 24mm-105mm Wireless E-TTL compatibility permits it to function as a slave unit. Online retailers selling for $350; asking $200 OBO.

Canon 28-135mm IS – barely used.
A compact, lightweight standard zoom lens with superior optical performance plus a built-in Image Stabilizer. The IS system reduces the possibility of blurred photographs caused by camera shake, enabling handheld photography in comparatively dim light without a flash or tripod. The IS system is composed of a pair of gyro sensors to detect vertical and horizontal motion and a microprocessor that compensates for it by shifting special lens elements in parallel with the perceived movement. At the wide-angle end of the zoom range, the equivalent shutter speed gain is approximately 1.5 stops while at the telephoto end, it is approximately 2 stops. In addition, the lens has a USM drive mechanism for optimum AF performance, and the pulse control diaphragm (EMD) ensures precise aperture control. Retails used for $299 online, asking $250 OBO.

All Instruction manuals included. Smoke-free home/environment. Please contact 503-524-9887 if interested – we will not respond to any scams and will only entertain serious offers via phone. Cash only. Take all parts/accessories for $900!

Nikon D40X, 10+ meg,nikkor lens and more - $800 (any)

Reply to: sale-870559572@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 5:17PM PDT

New used once to take 12 pictures.....all of the paper work and cd,AF-5zoom-nikkor 18-55 f/3.5-5.6G ED 2 and a paid for better 200mm,AF DX VRZoom-Nikkor55-200 f/4-5.6G IF-ED. About 7 months old, I just like my point and shoot one better. I have boxs and all paper work and charger and all stuff that came with it. I have put a lens cover string and a shade cover on it. I guess it is just to much camera for me and what I want to shoot.Email or call me Rev Cliff (503)777-6315. I even have the orig sales papers from Ritz. This is never been out of my house, so it is as new as it can be.It has a reather spendy extended Warr.on it also.

Canon 20D DSLR Digital Camera complete setup - $800 (portland)
Reply to: sale-870541094@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 5:07PM PDT
I have a like new camera system that is perfect for the beginer or advanced shooter looking for the best deal they can get.

Canon 20D digital slr with cables, battery and charger. A great camera for sports, events, weddings or just pictures of family vacations.

Canon 28-135 IS Zoom lens. This lens is a great step up from the normal kit lens that comes with the camera at the store.

The vertical Battery grip for the 20D. Makes your life easier if you do a lot of portrait shooting or just need twice the battery power for those long days away from home.

Sigma 550 flash. The easiest way to make your pictures look more professional is to stop using the built-in pop up flash and use one that will make your subjects really pop. Just put this on top of your camera, set it for e-ttl and angle it towards a ceiling or wall and your photos will look 10 times better.

Ball head tripod. This is a must for landscapes, building, or night time photography. Nothing is worse then a shaky picture and by using a tripod you will insure your pictures will look great and be sharp as a tack.

Sandisk Extreme Compact Flash Card. This is the film for digital. Fully reusable and capable of holding up to 200 pictures at a time.

Lowpro Trekker photo backpack. Everything comes stored in this backpack that is small enough to carry on a plane yet has enough room for everything listed with space to spare.

This is some great gear and it has served me well but I have upgraded my entire system so this stuff has to go at a great price. Please e-mail me if you are interested or call 503-453-9394. I have pictures I will be posting soon or I can e-mail them to you. Thank you for taking the time to look at my gear and I hope you will be the lucky one to snag this great deal!

Canon Digital Video Camera Optura 200 MC - $500 (Gresham)

Reply to: sale-869748541@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-07, 7:55AM PDT

We have a Canon Digital Video Camera Optura 200MC. 200x Digital Zoom. Mega pixel. With all the accessories, bag, charger and battery pack.
It retails for $1500-$1699.
If interested call 503-665-4309 or email tmarplum@yahoo.com

Nikon D2H purchased new for $3400 - $425 (SE Portland )

Reply to: sale-869433531@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 10:00PM PDT

Nikon D2H in great working condition. Only issue is the rubber gripping is coming up in a couple of spots and needs a little glue. I am selling the camera merely because I do photography professionally and have needed to upgrade to the latest and greatest.

FS: Canon EOS XTi 10MP DSLR & Tamron 18-200mm Zoom lens - $650 (Beaverton)

Reply to: sale-869097818@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 4:07PM PDT

Canon EOS XTi 10MP DSLR camera and Tamron 18-200mm lens for sale.
Great for beginner~intermediate photographer. The lens covers wide range with 18-200mm zoom lens. Great travel lens with 11X zoom.

Camera is missing eyecup piece but you can get a new one from Amazon.com for $12. Includes original box and original factory accessories.
Lens Works with Canon EOS 10D, 20D, 30D, 40D, XT,XTi, 300D.

Cash only. $650 OBO

Nikon D40 Kit with 18-55mm f/3.5 AF-S DX Zoom Lens & EXTRAS!! - $400 (Wilsonville)
Reply to: sale-868786708@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-06, 12:22PM PDT

I just upgraded to a new camera so I no longer need the D40. The D40 is a great DSLR, it's very easy to use and produces fantastic images. Everything being sold is in almost new condition, camera itself is less then a year old. I take very good care of my cameras.

Nikon D40 Digital SLR Camera Kit with 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6G ED II AF-S DX Zoom-Nikkor Lens (with all accessories)

Nikon CF-DC1 Semi-Soft Case for Nikon D40

Scan Disk Ultra II 1GB Memory Card

Nikon ML-L3 Wireless Remote Control w/case (Infrared)

Joby DSLR Gorillapod tripod (brand new-retail $50)

brand new Sony DSLR-A350K- Alpha 14.2-Megapixel Digital SLR Camera - $650 (hillsboro/beaverton)

Reply to: see below
Date: 2008-10-06, 9:34AM PDT

please reply to: pea2009@gmail.com

pick up, cash only
new in the box, unopened, sealed in the box
now only $650, org.$800
you can get more information from: Sony - Alpha 14.2-Megapixel Digital SLR Camera - Black - DSLR-A350K
included:
Sony - Alpha 14.2-Megapixel Digital SLR Camera
SAL-1870 DT 18-70mm f3.5-5.6 Standard Zoom lens
Rechargeable battery and charger
Video and USB cables
Shoulder strap, body cap and eyepiece cap
Owner's manual

product features:
14.2-megapixel APS Super HAD CCD image sensor
Captures high-resolution images up to 4592 x 3056 pixels.
Sony DT 18-70mm f/3.5-5.6 zoom lens
For intricate picture detail. A-mount for use with compatible Sony, Carl Zeiss and legacy Minolta lenses (other lenses not included).
2.7" Clear Photo Plus LCD monitor
With 230K pixels tilts up or down for low-angle or high-angle monitoring. Live Preview and histogram display lets you set up great shots.
Bionz image processor
With Large Scale Integrated (LSI) circuitry enhances images with rich tonal reproduction, improved white balance, exposure control and expanded dynamic range optimization.
High ISO sensitivity
Up to ISO 3200 with noise reduction for vibrant, full-color captures in low-light conditions without a flash.
Antidust technology
Uses a protective coating to eliminate dust and debris from the image sensor for clear image results.
Super SteadyShot image stabilization
Minimizes shake and vibration distortion for enhanced image clarity.
Dynamic range optimizer
Uses gamma curves to recover details in dark or bright areas and optimizes exposure settings for improved shadow detail, contrast and lifelike image quality.
Scene modes
Include portrait, landscape, macro, sports, sunset and night portrait/night view to give you the right settings for the appropriate condition.
Eye-Start 9-point autofocus system
Delivers precise autofocus adjustments to capture fast action shots without blurring.
Burst shooting mode
Captures images up to 2.5 fps so you never miss an important shot.
9 white balance modes
Including auto, daylight, shade, cloudy, tungsten, fluorescent, flash, color temperature/color filter and custom achieve natural tones under different lighting conditions.
Built-in auto pop-up flash
With auto, fill-flash, rear flash sync, slow sync and high-speed sync. Compatible with HVL-F56AM and HVL-F36AM external flashes (not included).
Creative style settings
Including standard, vivid, portrait, landscape, night view, sunset, black-and-white and Adobe RGB modes let you adjust contrast, saturation and sharpness settings to express your creativity and personal taste.
Media slot
Supports CompactFlash Type I/II/Memory Stick PRO Duo media slot (media not included)
>> Store more photos! Find compatible memory cards in our Memory Center!
USB 2.0 interface
For high-speed image transfer to your PC.

Nikon D80 + 18-105mm VR Lens - $850 (NW Beaverton)
Reply to: sale-868021099@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-05, 9:19PM PDT

I'm selling a moderately used Nikon D80 body in good condition, with a brand-new unused Nikon AF-S DX NIkkor 18-105mm f/3.5-5.6G ED VR lens. The camera body has about 4000 actuations, and still works perfectly. I have all the accessories that came with the D80, including the box (though most of the packaging is gone); the Nikon software included has never been used.

Note that though the box is for a Nikon D80 kit (with 18-135mm lens), the lens I'm selling here is a newer VR lens, not the 18-135mm.

Link for the lens: Nikon | Imaging Products | AF-S DX NIKKOR 18-105mm f/3.5-5.6G ED VR (5.8x)

Canon L1 3CCD Digital Camcorder $500 - $500 (Newberg)

Reply to: sale-867960343@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-05, 7:59PM PDT

Canon L1 Hi-8 Digital Camcorder
2 hours use on $736.66 of service repair work completed. (receipt)
Paid over $2,300.00 new.
I have changed my preference to digital still photography and this camera is just being stored.
Great opportunity to own a high-end digital camera.
Scammers, please save each of us some time and move on. It's getting old. No cash keep walk'in

Canon Digital Rebel XT with EF-S 18-55mm f3.5-5.6 Lens AND More!! - $425

Reply to: sale-867940337@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-05, 7:37PM PDT

Canon Digital Rebel XT 8MP Digital SLR Camera with EF-S 18-55mm f3.5-5.6 Lens (Black)

Works great. Selling because I got a new camera.

* EOS Digital Rebel XT Body
* Owners Manual
* Introduction to the Canon Digital Rebel XT DVD
* Camera Bag
* Battery Charger
* 2 Batteries
* Circular Polarizer Lens Filter
* UV Lens Filter
* Lens Bag
* 2 Compact Flash Cards - 512MB and 3GB
* Remote Shutter Cord
* Video Cable

D50 with extra lens - $400 (Cornell rd)

Reply to: sale-867847740@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-05, 6:07PM PDT

Im selling my d50 with 18-55mm lens for $400

or if you want the extra lens with it 55-200 $550

i also have a camera bag and filters on it as well everything for 575

camera is barely used bought it for a trip i never got to take and really don't need another SLR