Mystified

[SelfSeeking]

I've got several very, very important things to take care of- financial, professional, scary things. SR is the only place I can seem to communicate with anyone due to anxiety. I feel paralyzed. If I get an email, I feel this crazy sense of dread... like when I open it I'll read some shattering news, some massive criticism. It takes me hours to be able to open it, meanwhile I just keep looking at the d@mn inbox. The thing is I know I haven't done anything earthendingly wrong. I've fallen behind on my master's thesis, but thinking realistically, I'm not the only grad student in the world to get behind schedule. However I need to move forward some. I need to communicate with my advisor but I'm so frightened of what she might say I haven't brought myself to do it yet.

I need to hurry up and post this because as I think about responses I might get, I become more anxious. This is very tiring.

[SelfSeeking]

And yes, I am a whack job, just in case there was any doubt left in anyone's mind.

[doorknob]

You're not a wack job. I dropped out of school twice in my last semester and never finished. I'm broke and right now I'd be happy to find a job washing dishes or diggin' ditches. And I'm 39 years old. LOSER.

I understand anxiety. I have really bad OCD and get waves of panic whenever I feel any kind of pressure.

[Toomutch]

No Self- you are not a whack job.
Are you being treated by a doctor for your anxiety?

[SelfSeeking]

My student health plan will only cover treatment that you get at the student health center, unless it's a "real" emergency. I'm several states away. So, they would cover my hospitalization for, say, a suicide attempt, but not an outpatient visit to a psychiatrist. I'm taking an antidepressant but it's clearly not helping a whole lot

School's back in session next Tuesday and I have an appointment scheduled that day. I could just kick myself for not getting care when I had access last semester... I was feeling good at the time, was the problem. Stupid feeling good. When will I learn that it tends not to last?

[SelfSeeking]

Originally Posted by doorknob

You're not a wack job. I dropped out of school twice in my last semester and never finished. I'm broke and right now I'd be happy to find a job washing dishes or diggin' ditches. And I'm 39 years old. LOSER.

I understand anxiety. I have really bad OCD and get waves of panic whenever I feel any kind of pressure.

DK, you're hardly the only unemployed person out there, especially right now. The economy is in the cr@pper. Plus didn't you just move to the boonies of Washington?? Not a job hunting hotspot... If you promise not to call yourself a loser, I promise not to call myself a whack job (or variations thereof).

[nandm]

Self seeking if you are a whack job then I among many others are right there with you. An example is to keep my financial aid I have to take at least 12 credits. Last term I signed up for 16, then dropped a 4 credit class the first week as I had trouble getting the books and it created too much anxiety. Then I was doing fine with the other two a biology and a marine biology class. I was even making it to the classes except for maybe 1 to 2 a month which is excellent for someone with the anxiety that I have. Then the last 4 weeks of the term I couldn't get myself to leave the house for one of the classes for nearly 2 weeks, that included the lab portion. So needless to say I was on the verge of failing as there is so much that is given in a lecture that one can not get from just reading the book. That was the biology class. Then I also was missing over half the classes on the marine biology class as the anxiety was over the roof and I would be ready to walk out the door and be so overwhelmed I couldn't open it. I once even got to the parking lot of school, and couldn't get out of my damn car and go in to the class. So I wound up withdrawing from the biology class and scraped by with a C in the marine biology. But my financial aid was cancelled because I did not complete enough classes to keep it. I was devastated.

I am fortunate though as I talked to my psychologist and we appealed the financial aid decision and they reinstated me on a probation. But I should be ok this term as all my classes are online. This PTSD, chronic anxiety, and depression sh*t really is frustrating sometimes and so many people think it is just something we should "get over". I never realized just how devastating these diseases are until I wound up in this boat.

I even have klonopin to take for the anxiety and I still missed all those classes. If I had taken enough klonopin to get me to class I would have been like a zombie and not gotten anything out of it anyway. Funny, my hands are shaking just writing this, anxiety sucks.

[nandm]

Originally Posted by doorknob

You're not a wack job. I dropped out of school twice in my last semester and never finished. I'm broke and right now I'd be happy to find a job washing dishes or diggin' ditches. And I'm 39 years old. LOSER.

I understand anxiety. I have really bad OCD and get waves of panic whenever I feel any kind of pressure.

Doorknob, by no means are you a loser unless you consider me one too. I have not been gainfully employed in over two years. The PTSD and anxiety is so overwhelming that I can not even make to interviews when I have been able to get them. Right now I am a 43 year old woman who mows lawns for a living and does odd jobs for people. Long way from $30/hr salaried position as Nurse Manager. I am so broke that I did not even get the so called "incentive" check that Bush said everyone who filed taxes would get. In fact this year all of my school is being payed for by grants because my income last year was so low. That is a blessing though so I can't complain about that. What is really sad is I have no clue what I am going to school for, I hope I figure it out soon as I need to declare a major. I keep jumping from one thing to the next. Some days I really think that doing what I am doing working in yards by myself is exactly what I need to be doing. I am only getting these jobs through friends in AA and word of mouth from people who I have worked for. Hang in there I guess is what I am trying to say.

[Bamboozle]

Hopefully I'm not going too off topic here, but it took me seven years to get my Bachelor's degree. I've always had a problem with depression and anxiety. There were two semesters in a row that I had to withdraw from in order to save my GPA. Why? I, of all people, stopped showing up to class. After a couple of weeks of that I was too afraid to go back and sunk into a deeper depression.

It is extraordinary that I made it through. I never gave up. Nandm, I officially changed my major four times in my career and ended up with a degree in Visual Arts. Now, because I'm a complete mess and f-up, I'm working a fast food job. People there sometimes find out I have a degree and the first thing they ask is, "WTF are you doing here?" It makes me want to bang my head off of the nearest wall.


SelfSeeking, isn't there anyone you can talk to so you can calm down enough to get the important things done? I hear you about the anxiety...I still have dreams every now and again that I'm failing in school and I wake up doubting that I did finish. Anxiety sucks. At least for me it snowballs and I feel completely overwhelmed at times. Maybe you could write down your concerns before going to speak to your advisor so that you can stay focused on what it is you need to get done. You can get through this. Take a deep breath. I'm pulling for you.


DK. You are not a loser. In my opinion it is never too late to go back to school if that's what you want to do. If you don't want to go back to school, that's okay too. Just don't let anything hold you back if you want to finish. I'm pulling for you, whatever you decide to do. Your posts have helped me a lot.


Hoped this helped...

[SelfSeeking]

Ooookay. I've calmed down a bit. My SO helped me write an email to my professor begging mercy and two more weeks to bang this thing out. Hopefully she's feeling indulgent.

[SelfSeeking]

I hear you about those dreams, Bamboozle... Mine are always from high school calculus class! It's always the end of the semester; I've always forgotten that I was registered for calculus; it's always the day of the final, and I have to take it without ever having been to a lecture. Sometimes just to make it more entertaining, I get lost on the way to the test.

It's been a long strange trip, trying to get through school with the depression and anxiety (not to mention the drinking) coming and going. I've only got one single solitary year left before I'm free forever! I'm so close.

Thank you for the support, it helps to feel I'm not alone.

[Bamboozle]

Hang in there!

[SelfSeeking]

I have a place to live set up in CT! WHEW. That prof wrote back and at least has not told me my @ss is out of school... she's more confused at how to work the paperwork on my grade than anything.
The whole world does not hate me!

[doorknob]

Congrat's, Katie! I have a job interview tomorrow at Family Foods!

[SelfSeeking]

That's awesome!! *high five*

[SelfSeeking]

Also got my TB skin test placed (have to do it yearly for school). I'm crossing things off the list, one by one. I was just really REALLY brave and emailed my advisor asking the question that's been weighing on me like a ton of bricks: If I get this prospectus done before the registration deadline for this semester, is that enough- will I be in good standing. I really think I can get some good work done on this paper today. I'm going to Barnes and Noble with earplugs and getting serious on the mofo. (Turning my wireless chip OFF so I don't websurf instead- no more posts from me today!)

The ball is rolling.

[doorknob]

I'm pretty sure that I have the job and that this interview is to discuss hours and wages and fill out paperwork. They've already completed a backround check which I don't believe they would have done if they didn't intend on hiring me. And tonight is our karaoke night so I'm in a better mood than I've been in a while. And almost 7 days sober!

[SelfSeeking]

Whoa, the scary started again. Advisor cc'd the dean b/c she didn't know the answer. I freaked out but called my mom (still my number 1 cheerleader) and then did some sun salutations and I think now I can walk out the door. Might as well work on the paper, otherwise I'll just sit and stew about a post-kicked-out-of-school-plan.

DK, that is really great news! Keep us posted.