Controlling the negative voice in my head.

[Lilya]

Life is interesting. I lost one third of my income, but my lawyer called me today to tell me I won a lawsuit against an insurance company. After years of struggle, all of a sudden I can weigh the pros and con of a new job, perfectly at ease. I got quite excited, called up various brokers and asked friends about the best investments.

Then all of a sudden I got depressed like I´d been hit with a car. I felt worthless, useless and undeserving. I recognize it for what it is: it´s the voice of depression who starts talking the minute something good happens or if I´m vulnerable. It doesn´t help that I put on bad make-up for the 14th of July and got serious allergy so my face is covered with blisters. As luck would have it, poetic justice as well, I ran into an old highschool sweetheart in the metro, who is now a priest. That was a lesson in humility. I was on the way to my doctor in downtown Paris, who told me I would have these blisters for some time. :p I didn´t feel like going to an AA meeting because the pharmacien commented on how bad this looks as I bought the medicin the doctor prescribed. Instead I chose to post here.

I will surrender to this feeling, I know it shall pass and I´ll be giving myself positive self-talk. It´s quite difficult though and I´m still tender from my experience in the Ravensbrock camp near Berlin. How do you cope with the voice in your head who creates that sinking, low feeling?

Love and light,

Use adversity

[Caveman]

I'm not very good at this depression stuff. I have only been diagnosed for a short time and the medicine seems to help.

But I am more than familiar with that vioce. No matter how good I am, I am always there to bring me down. You appear to have the ability to recognize when you have irrational thoughts.

I am still struggling mightily with that.

We all deserve congradulations for the battles we have fought. But it is sometimes difficult to recognizes what is a battle.

[Lilya]

Thanks Caveman.

I´ve struggled with the negative voice for a long time. Once I took lessons in Kung Fu and the “master� told us how to deal with insecurity and low self-esteem. “Pretend the negative voice is a naughty child,� he said. “Listen to what it has to say, then gently ask it to behave. Let those feelings wash over you and then chase them away. Use warfare by tao - patience and wisdom. Know that only wisdom and faith can liberate you.�

Well, not letter perfect, but I remembered that and it has stayed with me.

It has also helped to change my vocabulary. Instead of using words like “have to, must do, should� who lead to difficult emotional state, I try to use “I would like to, would be preferable, would be good, but no death sentence.� It´s incredibly tough, but it works!

Hope this helps. On the battle thought: “All warfare is based on deception. Every battle is won before it is fought.� (Art of War by Sun Tzu) I feel this means in some ways that when we know the force is with us, we can win.

Love and light,

Use adversity

[Juls]

Lilya,

I remember reading your post about traveling to Berlin and seeing the camps. When I was 17, in highschool we were shown a documentary of the camps. Actual footage of terrible things being done to men, women, and children. I was depressed for weeks afterwards unable to get the sights out of my head. This type of thing would affect anyone, but some of us are much more sensitive to things like that.

You already have a great deal of wisdom in how to address those voices. Embrace them, know them for what they are, and live your life. It is scary when good things happen, because of waiting for the other shoe to drop. When will life hurt me, when will the bad thing happen.

But it doesn't always happen. We are not cursed or doomed, it is our mind playing tricks on us.

In my own life I am trying to learn to enjoy the good things more, and put less energy into my feelings of insecurity.

Juls

[Lilya]

Juls,
Thank you for relating to my experience in Berlin. I realize it will take a long time for me to get over what I saw. It´s probably true what you said about some people being more affected to that than others.

I saw the documentary “Night and Fog� by Alain Resnais, one of the first documentaries to be made after the camps were opened and the famous one from Nurenberg, among others. I was truly affected, but it was not nearly as devastating. In the camp I visited there was an exhibition. You could touch the clothes the prisoners wore and you could see the items... horrible things I will never speak of because it goes beyound everything I have seen. I cannot unburden myself, because I cannot lay this knowledge - this burden - on anybody else. Sometimes I don´t know what to do about this. I don´t want to talk to a priest - I´m a lapsed Catholic and furthermore, i don´t believe there was a God in the concentration camps.

I will heal though. This weekend I´m taking my 5 year old niece to Italy in a car. We´re going to visit my aunt who lives near Venice. It´s so healing and giving being in the child´s presence. I´ll be taking my computer with me so I´ll probably sending you all sunny post from "la Bella Italia". :shades: Maybe even take a ride on a vespa?

Thank you for your good advice. I intend to devote less time on negative thoughts, but I seem to need a bit of support accomplishing that.

Love and light,

Use adversity

[2stop]

I have wondered why those voices wanted to sabotage us so badly. I still don't understand why, I'm sure there is some mumbo jumbo psychology to explain it, but it seems so illogical that we would turn on ourselves with self-defeating thoughts the moment any goodness or joy was entered into our lives. Maybe it's the whole good vs. evil thing that so many movies play off of, But I am learning for me I just have to have higher inventory of healthy, happy thoughts than I have stock of the negative thoughts. Lately I pay more attention to what I read, what movies I watch-even reading the newspaper everday seems to bring me down, so I read it less and look for hopeful stories in the news. It seems so many times that we do have a grand conspiracy going on in our heads to annihilate ourselves any chance we are presented..but I really think it is the way we conditioned ourselves, the way we internalized shame in our lives and I believe shame has the biggest appetite on the planet-so when I quit feeding it all my shame-based thoughts I am more in a position to enter worthy thoughts and life-affirming thoughts.
Lilya, I know it is so hard to work through all this stuff, but I can see you working through it and I think you're doing good!
Have a splendid trip to Italy and remember you are worthy of all the grand things life has to offer!!

[Juls]

I don't know about anyone else, but many times I think those negative voices are my mothers'. I remember growing up how she would tell me I was no good, she didn't love me, all kinds of bad things. So I internalized those bad thoughts, and they come back to haunt me. When I'm feeling strong I can tell those bad thoughts to go away and not bother me, but when I am vulnerable then they can really bring me down.

Juls

[Lilya]

Good input, Juls. Being vulnerable is like switching on a bad CD. I arrived to Switzerland with my niece and we are staying here for the night before we continue to Italy. What heaven to leave Paris! It´s so hot, it´s a killer with the pollution.

I think of my mother´s voice as well and how she was always depressed. How she locked herself in all the time and said she couldn´t cope with having us. We came to believe we were not worthy of living because we obviously caused her so much pain. My maternal grandmother kept saying our “sinful lifestyle would kill us and God would punish us�. Luckily, I had a wonderful relationship with my father. He was an artist and we travelled all over the world; lived in communes with other artists when I was a child. He said I could do anything if I wanted to.

It´s good to see that my mother is embracing life again and loves being with her grandchildren. My father is unfortunately in a nursing home, dying slowly. It´s a great pain, but I know he has to leave us and there is nothing to do but let him go.

Best to all of you,

Use adversity