Advice

[Mamabear]

Thanks Lilya,

My son signed up for three sessions a week 21/2 hours each and three additional AA or NA meetings.
Whether or not it works, you are right. His admitting that his use is out of control is wonderful.
We'll see what happens and if he needs inpatient we will find a way. We have discovered our insurance changed and doesn't cover inpatient care as of the 1st of this month. Unbelievable.
How are you doing? Did you get a hold of hospice?
Thank you so much for listening and honoring my questions.
MB

[Juls]

MamaBear,

I think that's great that he's willing to go for outpatient care, and go to more meetings. I really applaud him for making that decision on his own.

I'm sorry I didn't reply to your question about what to say when he says driving high is better than driving drunk. I know if my son told me that I would ask him if he was crazy or wanted to die young. I would tell him that if I ever found that he was driving under the influence, not only would I report him myself, but he wouldn't be driving for a long time as long as he was living in my house.

My son does not have bi-polar though, so I don't know that that kind of reaction would be helpful at all in your situation, and I didn't want offend you. I hope I'm not.

I know about bi-polar, although I myself have suffered from depression. Are there books for parents, that you know of, which discuss disciplining techniques for adolescents with bi-polar. If you don't know of any, we could do a search to find out if there's anything helpful out there like that.

When my son was giving me problems, (maybe I already mentioned this), I got involved in an organzation called "Tough Love." Many people seem to have a negative opinion of what this is, but I found it really helpful for me. It helped me understand how to be consistent with my discipline techniques, and my behavioral practices. How to discipline to get better results, etc. One thing that really worked with my son was if he wasn't cooperating and taking care of his responsibilites, keeping up with his school work, was to take the door to his room off.

It was a really effective technique without resorting to arguing and hasseling. I also would write contracts with my son about what was expected of him, if he didn't follow through there was a consequence, and if he did there was a reward. I already do this with my daughter with good results.

One thing I do know about you MamaBear, is that you are a very devoted and committed mother. I really admire that.

Let us know how the treatment is going.

Juls

[Mamabear]

Juls,
Thanks for your response.
Removing the door is an awesome idea!!! Also, I did get your pm but your box is full so I couldn't respond there.

Here's the update:
Our son started IOP(Intensive Outpatient), attended a meeting, and has his first long group session tonight. Not bad for one week!!! He is willing and that is a lot. I know this will be a long road but today I see a ray of hope.
My husband and I see a therapist who helps us make parenting decisions. He is a Godsend. I don't know of any books but a search would be cool. How do I do that? Most of the texts I have found focus on the bipolar child. Others have only a chapter or two about addiction.
So, today I am grateful and even , dare I say, a bit hopeful. To take care of me I'm off for a massage. Mmmm. My own depression is rearing its ugly petulant head....a sure sign that I am neglecting myself.
Thank you so much for being there((((MB)))))

[Juls]

Hi MamaBear,

I'm really glad to hear that your son is taking some steps. Good for you for taking time out to take care of yourself too. You really need to nurture yourself, considering what you are dealing with. You are having to handle way more than the average parent.

I really hope that one day your son will come to a point to be able to recognize the love you have given him.

I don't know what the deal is with the pm box. It doesn't look like it should be full, I delete messages - so I don't know.

Juls

[Lilya]

Mamabear,

I´m so glad for you. This is real progress! Your son is doing so much better. Also, seems to me you´re doing everything right. Be sure to keep me updated on your son´s progress, I really do care.

My father is better, thank you so much for asking. He is the most important man in my life - a part from my fosterson who is ten and sometimes too much afraid... I worry he will be bullied at school. Too sensitive.

I have contacted a doctor for a hospice, but it´s the "Les grandes vacances" (The big holidays) in Paris right now. Nothing happens until after the 15th of August. Paris is virtually deserted, except for tourists and shady characters. I´m off to a trip to the South of France with some of my nieces, to stay in my family´s country house.

Keep me posted,

Use adversity

[Mamabear]

Dear Lilya and Juls,
(and caveman, still around?)

Well, today marks our sons one week sobriey . He is excited about receiving recognition at his meeting later today.
It is nice to see clear eyes!!
The concern I have is that his interest in faith and religion is back. So far, it is healthy however, his "mania' was religiousity so that is why I am concerned. We try to live faith centered lives and are active in a community; he too was, but when it shifted, it was very frightening and confusing.
I'm wondering if he will need a med check if he remains clean.
Seems to me the drugs had a sedating effect.
So for today I am grateful and I will try to whoosh aside my fears and enjoy this present.
Lilya, you sound much more centered and at peace. I hope you can gain access to hospice.
Juls, I am trying the nurturing thing. I hope you are too. It's so hard to do. However, I am getting a bit numb and know that is the way out.
I can't thank both of you for helping me so much. This is so difficult to talk about to those who have no experience.
I find it exhausting actually. And this interaction has been a source of encouragement and hope for me.
Many thanks and good thoughts,
Mamabear

[Juls]

MamaBear,

I am happy to hear that your son had son week clean. Did you do something to reward him? I know this is very hard and exhausting for you, so be sure to do things that feel good for you. You need nurturing too.

I think a med check is a good idea. Particularly if you start to see signs that he is getting obsessive or manic.

Juls

[Mamabear]

Hi Juls,

Yes, we took him and his girlfriend out for dinner. It was very nice.
Did I reward me? Of course not. Thank you for the reminder!
I think I'm going to do that by using the movie thread and going to rent one listed.
sounds like a plan
mb

[Juls]

That was great MamaBear. It's funny how no matter how old we get, we all respond to positive rewards for positive behavior.

Definitely get that movie and have an evening of enjoyment for yourself.

Juls

[Mamabear]

Actually, I got up my nerve and tried a new meeting. Ifelt so at home in this group!!!!! Wow. What a click. I am going to sleep tonight very grateful. Movie tomorrow
What did you do for you today??
And I really want to know how to have a cool icon too. Is it hard to do/
nite nite
Mamabear

[Mamabear]

Dear Juls and Lilya,

Our son has attended NA meetings almost daily for three weeks and has three weeks sobriety. But the last two evenings he has played cards and gambled. Gambling was a problem a year ago. Since he is bipolar I'm really worried about cross addiction(I think that's the term). yesterday his doc lowered his mood stabilizer by half. Any advice???
I'm tired and worn.
Mamabear

[Juls]

Mamabear,

Keep setting boundaries and establishing limits with him. Why is the doc lowing his meds? It's great that he's followed some structure for a few weeks, but it's not enough. Gambling is not acceptable.

Could you afford to go and get yourself a massage or a facial. You need some tlc Mamabear.

Juls

[Mamabear]

His doctor is lowering his meds because he can't seem to get out of bed in the a.m. and has had no problems w/ manic episodes in a very long time.
Good idea on the tlc. I'll schedule a massage Mon.
I hope this road get easier for him at some point.....