Bouncing yesterday - bummed today

[Toomutch]

I have been bouncing happily around for the last several days. Today I woke up and still havn't gotten out of bed, I'm grumpy and I dont feel well.
When I was in the hospital on a suicide watch 10 years ago my diagnosis were bi-polar, panic dissorder and social anxiety. Out of the hospital 2 other doctors confirmed that diagnosis and 1 didn't. I was on lithium, depakote and those types of meds for several years until a doctor told me that it was clinical depression and not bi-polar.
I didn't feel manic at all during the time I was drinking, but now that I have stopped I am think I am having ups and downs. Problem is I like the manic feeling. Any comments will be appriciated.

[nandm]

I was treated for depression several times during my 20 years of drinking. Never once did any doctor indicate that maybe I was bi-polar. Ironically during that time I worked at least two jobs and for a 6 month period I worked 2 full time and 1 part time job. I only slept in 15 minute stretches between jobs. I bought a brand new car and a house. But no doctor caught on that maybe I was a tad manic. Guess I hid it well from them.

I was 3 years sober before a doctor figured out that I was bi-polar II. I too prefer the "manic" feelings to those of the depression. I think that is because the depression is such a deep dark hole I can not see any light in. For the most part even with my meds I think I tend to run a little on the up side rather than the depression side which I am not complaining about. The depression if frightening. It is hell knowing my mind is thinking insanely but not being able to stop it, when the first thought in my head when I wake up is "put a gun to your head" but yet my logical mind is going " :wtf2 is that all about your life is good". Maybe that is why my psych doc prefers to let me run a little manic. I can deal with the insomnia when the alternative is the depression.

So I hope that my experience helps you in some way. You are definately not alone.

[Toomutch]

Nandm- Thanks for responding, I was beginning to think nobody was going to.
It's hard to know whats going on with me as I have some other non mental illnesses, combined with mental illnesses. Thinking about it drives me mad I tell you. If only there was one magic pill I could take to cure it all. I guess I can keep dreamin on that one.

I know you said I'm not alone but I feel like I am. It's times like these that I wonder why.
Just why...

[nandm]

This is one forum I have found helps me not to feel so alone in my disease. I know that here there are people who will understand and not judge me. I have run across some good people here. So I guess when I say you are not alone it is because my experience is that here I know I am not alone.

I too have questioned why so many times I can not even count.
Why me?
Why do I have to take these stupid pills?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why can't I just be "normal"?
Why, Why, Why???

Although I still get the whys at times I no longer feel them constantly. I have found for me that there is really no answer to the whys?

Take care. Good to see you here.

[deezaldog]

I wish you were not feeling so bad about yourself. I am sure you do too. I have not been diagnosed with a mental illness but my experience comes from being raised by parents-yes, both-diagnosed schizophrenia. My father is now deceased but suffered with paranoia and hallucinations. My mother gets manic/depressive. She is often out of touch with reality and has made multiple suicide attempts. I learned young to choose my words very carefully. In your post you wonder why? Your last sentance tells me you know there is a purpose for you. Sometimes I cannot see the forest through the trees but keep on going. You sound stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. I get down feelings as well but probably not as bad as you are feeling. Please remember that everything gets better eventually. I worked with a surgeon and he had a great saying-eventually all bleeding stops. He would say this when things were hectic in the ER. I hope this doesnt sound morbid to you but in the er it was like saying-this to shall pass. I hope you start feeling better soon. When i see your posts I will gladly respond to see how you are doing, if you do not mind.

[Toomutch]

Thank You deezaldog - I would appreciate that.

[Live]

I am not bipolar, I have major depressive disorder, PTSD, and severe anxiety.
The question I ask WHY about is why I can't handle working when others with mental illnesses do.
I was "going places" and then the depression slowly began to worsen and it has been progressive ever since.
Because of a change in my spiritual beliefs, I do not ask "why me?", I ask "why not me?"

These illnesses have led me to be a far more compassionate person, have forced me to learn depth, and brought me to many studies that I probably otherwise wouldn't have, they have changed my values and taught me respect.
But would I choose to have these illnesses? No.
Do I hate taking all the pills that are so wonderful for me? Yes.
Would I change places with anyone else I know? No.

[nandm]

Thank you Live, and Dee for your responses. Both of you appear to be very caring and compassionate people we are lucky to have you in this forum.

Live, I love how you can take something that many see as a negative and make the glass half full rather than half empty by emphasizing the positive.

[Toomutch]

I am going to the doctor today as we have new insurance and I need to change doctors. The appointment was for a disscussion about the meds. I take for Fibromyalgia, Depression and anxiety. I think I will tell him about the up's and down's. In a way I dont want to because I am feeling great today and I dont like the way I feel when I am on the anti sezure meds. I'm embarrassed to admit it but I am afraid to gain weight. I have a fear of gaining weight and the heaviest I have ever been was when I was on depakote.

I am seeing the same doc.that my stepson saw the other day for his self harming. He took alot of time with him and my stepson really liked him.

[historyteach]

Good to hear that you're going to see someone who you trust.
I hope it goes well, and you come out feeling better.
Let us know how it goes, ok? We care...

Shalom!

[Toomutch]

The doctor prescribed me lamictal 1 /25mg. for 10 days and than 2/ 25 mg from there. He also prescribed clonazepam 1 mg each night which will replace the ativan.
I will remain on 100mg of trazadone, 900 mg gabapentin, 20 mg floxitine and 400 mg bupropion.
I am a walking medicine cabinet. In addition to the one's above I take 5 others for pain, acid reflux hypothyroid and allergies. :wtf2

[warrens]

I do not know much about bi-polar personally, just a lot of people who have it.

But I do have much personal and familial experience with depression/anxiety. It is insidious stuff and I am convinced that most alcoholics, and perhaps substance addicts are afflicted.

I was never "attracted" to alcohol for alcohol's sake, but as a means to quell the physical symptoms of anxiety in particular and depression to a lesser degree.

I grew up in a time when males in particular were not supposed to have such feelings. Total disconnect with emotion was seen as "strength." Perhaps why we die earlier and so many Viet Nam vets ended up homeless and addled.

Psychopharmacology has made huge strides in the past couple of decades. No more "Valley of the Dolls." But try to find the right medication and dosage! It could take years and it is far easier to just pick up a six pack. Doing so over time however, exacerbates, as we know too well, the very symptoms we wish to bury.

I remember when Dr. David Satcher, one of Clinton's surgeon generals, made the astounding claim that one of every ten children had a diagnosable mental illness in need of treatment. I remember thinking, at the time, what he he were off by a factor of 2? One in 20? At the time I was principal of a school of nearly 600. Do the math. Between 30-60 kids in need of medical treatment and I had zero resources.

Even if one has decent health coverage these days, the mental health component is a joke. Is it any wonder that people go to the 7-11 for their medication?

I wish you well, S. I wish us all well.

warren

[Toomutch]

I agree with you Warrens. If we were all emotionally stable why would we drink to numb ourselves out in the first place. Which brings us to the 1 in 10 kids who have a diagnosable mental illness. I would venture to guess the the numbers are even higher for teens.
2 out of 5 of my children have suffered from mental illness already. With ongoing therapy my daughter is doing okay and I pray each day it will stay that way as anorexia is a sneeky illness. My step-son is just now starting therapy for his self harming. Neither of them are medicated - but I have to wonder if these are not symtoms of a clinical medical illness.


I ditto your sentiment - I wish you well Warrens, I wish us all well.

S

[Toomutch]

I am starting to notice a difference in myself after starting the lamictal 3 days ago. I feel more in control and not as restless. The only drawback is the headache that I've been having.

Does anyone else here take this med?

[Toomutch]

The headache is finally gone. But now my mood is spiraling downward into a funk. I just want to be normal.

[nandm]

Too much, sorry I have been offline for a few days so I did not see your post about Lamictal. Yes, I am on it. I have been on it for nearly 2 years now. It has worked well for me. Lithium caused a significant weight gain for me and that is when I was put on Lamictal. Once I got past the first two weeks of being on it I found the side effects either went away or I just didn't notice them anymore. For the most part it does keep my mood swings from being too drastic. I do have to make sure I take all the rest of my meds as well for it to work properly. Hang in there and let your doctor know about your headache and drop in mood. It may be you need a change in dose or the med may not be for you. Take care.

[Toomutch]

I am going to be using this thread to track my moods. Hopefully I will do a better job of keeping up than I do with pen and paper.

Yesterday July 26 - awful- Even had some suicidal thoughts. I was scared of myself.
Today July 27 - better than yesterday, but still down - no motivation

[Toomutch]

I am going to start putting times in as well to see if there may be a pattern there.

July 27 6:24pm. Feeling real weird, like I might be a danger to myself. I know I wont harm myself, but I dont like feeling this way.

[historyteach]

(((Toomuch)))
If you're feeling suicidal, and are afraid of yourself, please see this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html (If You Are Feeling Suicidal)

It seems you've been on the lamactil for 10 days.
It normally takes 4-8 weeks for full effects of meds to take place.
And it's great that you're being proactive and keeping this journal to track your moods.

However, please keep your doctor informed of these severe moods, too.
Being suicidal, scared of yourself, and feeling as if you are a danger to yourself is serious business.

Did you feel this way prior to the meds?
Has your condition gotten worse since you've been prescribed these meds?

You may want to print out this journal when you see your doc next, and bring it to him/her. And if these thoughts/feelings continue, I do hope you'll call and let your doc know. The doc needs to be kept informed of your condition.

I wish you well. And I'm glad you're here and taking care of yourself.

Shalom!

[Toomutch]

Thank you history teach, I will keep my progress on this thread and give it to my doctor when I see him in 19 days.

July 28, I woke up feeling very unrested and unmotivated. Possibly because I was up for most of the night with Restless leg syndrom in both my arms and legs.

[Toomutch]

July 28 Still no motivation. I have been in my room all day, no bad thoughts, no good thoughts, just blah. I think I'll take a bath and read my book. Hopefully I will come out feeling a bit better.