Hi all... got some questions as usual.

[Paulos]

Hi everybody. How's it going. As you know I'm an alcoholic but I'm done with the stuff due to what it's done to my life for nearly 3 years, you know I'm the complainer of panic disorder/depression/fears/etc... been here since January 2007. DO NOT FORGET PLEASE I AM ALSO AUTISTIC *22 years old* so I am not a usual person.

Anyway, I've been cutting all the bad stuff out of my life, you know trying to get SOBER and aware of life... and I've had occasional boosts of being like my old better self *which wasn't exactly always better when it came to normal things* but I feel happier sometimes with that and hope things happen to improve it.

I mean darn I wasn't off booze 28 days straight for like 3 years only a few times then I always went back to it, never giving myself enough time to rebuild my brain and such... also since 2007 I was going to a doctor who was only loading me on medications such as Prozac, Lamictal, Seroquel, Risperdal and such... and I am finally off a very tough drug to kick an anti physchotic called LAMICTAL, 46 days off it... and 26 days off booze also so I'm finally getting things straight... but there's one thing that worries me greatly still other than my usual PARANOIAS... my MEMORY issues.

Short term memory I know can occur during Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome which I think I have, and long term memory problems when you're going through recovery and such, but I am also on one final drug that I don't know how I would live without... XANAX, a Benzo drug.

I'm currently on 3mg of it a day and some of the side effects are "complete memory loss, (amnesia) and concentration problems " I got that from a side effect list, but I'm also feeling speech troubles sometimes, memory loss as in not remembering dates of certain things or short term memory such as what did I just do I just forgot that type of stuff, and concentration sometimes can be tough for me...

Now I don't know if it's the PAWS because the PAWS does have those two same side effects, or they're both piling up, and I'm also a severe OCD person regarding my issues/mental brain always thinking I have brain damage and so on, which a lot of this exploded the first time I went through alcohol withdrawal. To those who know me on this site this is not new news, all I'm saying is... you know I'm not sure what I'm actually asking... all I know is I'm off the booze and medications, except for Xanax, which as I understand the higher the dosage the more side effects you will have. Any advice/ideas about my situation? Example even though this is kind of an OCD thing, I can't remember what I did the first moment I got up out of bed, which drives me crazy when I used to be able to remember more things... well, thank you.

[ladyamalthea]

All I know to mention is that my sister, who is a 20 year-old recovering heroin addict, still has terrible memory problems. I honestly don't know how long she's been sober, or if she's slipped any, because I make a point to not follow every single detail of her behavior for my own sanity. I don't even know if that is PAWS, as you put it, or if it is just her brain being so scrambled from all the drugs that it will take longer to heal... or maybe those two go hand in hand??? But yes, from what I've seen, memory loss is normal, and according to my parents, her doctors have told her that it will improve with time, but she has to be patient.

[Paulos]

Bah... I see... hope it works out for her, thanks lady. Yeah my memory sucks... anyone else?

[Paulos]

No...?

[ladyamalthea]

You may want to try the alcoholism forum, or even the substance abuse forum.

[Paulos]

I get bad rep at the alcoholism forums... always pushing me/insulting me...

[ladyamalthea]

Insulting you for what? I'll tell you that there are some pretty blunt people here, but they always mean what they say for the best. I've never had anyone be hateful towards me.

[barb dwyer]

I had major probs with memory in the beginning.
I still have probs with short term, especially if I get 'rattled' or nervous.

Maybe that'll help.


But it's gotten better now that I've cut stress.

[Paulos]

Well lady you have not seen the people when I'm there, it's like a HOT TOPIC that sparks up with me... they want me to join AA or a god damn program always, they're like completely one sided. Anyway, hi barb ... nice to see you again... my poor memory ... I usually liked to know I was a person who could remember a lot but since I'm not like that now it's tough to live with myself I guess

[ladyamalthea]

I'm sorry that you go through that, Paulos. I hope I didn't offend you by asking that question. I meant no harm, honest. I wish you nothing but the best... I guess what I was trying to find out is how much of them mistreating you is you building it up to more than they mean it to be in your mind, and how much of it is really happening the way you see it. After all, it's not uncommon for people with depression/panic disorder/fears to misunderstand those around them.

On a side note, do you not like going to AA? Have you given it a fair chance (and by fair chance, I mean going to more than one meeting, possibly even going to different times and locations so you can get a feel for different groups- there's probably even online groups out there)

I don't mean to push it on you; I just want to see you feel better.

[nandm]

ladyamalthea,
Paulos originally tried posting in the alcoholism forums and appeared to be seeking help for an alcohol problem. He does not choose to work any program including AA and has made that very clear in many of his previous posts. He has made the choice to work on his mental health issues rather than try a program for any alcohol problem he may or may not have. I know he does not mean to come across in a bad way by stating he tried the other forum, he is just relaying his experience. I respect the fact that he chooses to leave the alcohol thing in the background and work on the mental health issues using this forum. Thank you for your concern and trying to help. I appreciate it but please let the alcohol issue drop if possible as it is a sore point for Paulos.

Paulos, I guess that one of the reasons I have not replied directly to you on this thread is because any experience I have to share deals with alcoholism and the solution that I found for that. I don't have experience with OCD, just PTSD, depression, BiPolar, and chronic anxiety. I am glad your doc is still letting you have the xanax as anxiety is miserable and can complicate any other issues we have. Take care Paulos.

[ladyamalthea]

Dually noted. I meant no disrespect, I was just trying to direct him to more people who know about PAWS, and I didn't understand from his post that he had been to the alcohol forum HERE, as there are other ones around. My mistake, and I promise to not pursue it any further.

[nandm]

No problem. I am thankful that you cared enough to try and help. I only said something because of my concern for Paulos. As a recovering alcoholic who utilizes AA, I too want to help those struggling with alcoholism. Being here at SR has taught me that there are some people who do not have any desire to try recovery programs. For me the best thing I can do is share my ESH and let them choose. You did that and I really appreciate your posts. There was absolutely nothing wrong with anything you said. My concern was to make sure that Paulos not feel in this forum what he felt in the alcoholism forum. I am thankful you are here.

[Paulos]

Nandm there was no need to come to my defense, I explained that I just am not into AA and the alcoholism forums. It's as simple as that, but thanks for caring *I think*... sigh, I just feel my scene is more mental than alcoholic, I'm off the stuff for 30 days don't forget, I'm not messing up again with the booze... I think a lot of people on those alcoholism boards are just expecting me to fail again that's why I don't go there, and some are overly pompous and overly zealous about their programs/AA and such, it just not compatible with me... well... I guess I'm just causing more problems. I don't even know why I bother asking for help... bye all.

[liveweyerd]

Hey, Paulos,

YES, xanax messed up my memory! And my ability to concentrate and comprehend.
I have been switched to klonopin and it seems to be better...just switched recently.

live

[nandm]

Klonopin also works well for me. I have never tried xanax other than once when I was drinking and it knocked me out.

[liveweyerd]

As my pdoc says, "Xanax is the Muhammed Ali for anxiety." She is right about that. I was on them for many years
It got to the point where my tolerance had me going into withdrawals every 2 hours, even after 2 raised dosages.
I am still prescribed a few for breakthrough panic/anxiety.

[Toomutch]

I take ativan for anxiety

[Paulos]

Liveweyerd I thought you were having major memory troubles with the xanax and just switched? In my case I feel aloof, more out of it, not able to do things like I used to as well... not be able to keep track of the days, and I feel very VERY alone