my story

[mark008]

hi i thought to write on here because i feel ostriolised with the real world cuz of my illness.

right gonna start at beginning so please read all

i was a 15yr old guy and i was being bullied and beaten bad by my so called m8s and i thought it would be cool to rent out a horror video we all tried to get but couldn't. well i was a soft touch with my mum who rented it for me. i was almost at the end of the film when i started to feel dizzy and sweat alot so i went outside and was sick. i was feeling drunk walking up the road to my house but yet no alchohol was taken cuz i don't drink. anyways i started seeing images of the film and having obsessive thougts and thinking oh god what if i did that 2 someone. its been now 13 years and they are still there stronger than ever. i'm on effexor and 4 kepramine pills to help but i try get my brain doing other things but it don't work. the films are there 24/7 like a disease praying on me and i canna control them. i see a shrink and cpn 2 times a month and they said they aint met anyone like me ever which makes me feel worse. i feel a freak and the only way out is to kill myself. does anyone get similar?

[ladyamalthea]

Mark,

First of all, welcome to SR! This is a safe place. You don't have to worry about being judged here... we care for each other as we are, and try to build each other up.

While I can't say that I have felt your exact situation, I have my own skeletons in the closet. I've thought some pretty rough things myself; but it was more about ways I could kill myself, rather than someone else.

Please don't let the fact that the doctors are unfamilair with others with your problem bring you down. You're clearly doing a great job of keeping things under control, right? Besides, mental health problems come in all shapes and sizes; I'm not convinced that even two people with the same condition can say they have the exact same experiences, because we all come from different backgrounds, have different life experiences, and cope with different things in different ways.

If it makes you feel any better, doctors tend to think I'm crazy too, because I tell them that I'm addicted to the food I eat. If it was just a craving, I could ignore it. But it's not, and they don't normally get that. I finally found a doctor who does not look at me like I'm crazy when I talk about it.

No matter what life has in store for you, please know that you have friends here. I'm sure others will follow my response, and I hope that you'll stick around for a while and do some exploring.

Nice to meet you!

[nandm]

Welcome to SR and our mental health forum

[historyteach]

Welcome, Mark,
To SR and the MH forum.

Please take a look at this post. There's lots of important information on it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html
If you still feel poorly, please remember, call 911.
And take good care of yourself.

Let us know how you're doing. We care...

Shalom!

[Morning Glory]

Hi Mark,

I think you should try to seek a therapist who is a trauma specialist. Someone who specializes in PTSD treatment wouldn't be shocked at all by your flashbacks. It's quite common.
I don't see anything in your post that would label you as a freak.

There are many people with PTSD who experience the same kind of flash backs you are having. My own daughter has flashbacks that are morbid and off the wall and even unrelated to her trauma.

Is it fun? Not at all, but it is common.

There are different types of flashbacks. Some are visual, some are smell, some are sound, some are like watching in the 3rd person, some are reliving in the 1st person. Some people blank out for days and disassociate completely for blocks of time.

Do a search on PTSD flashbacks and try to find a better doctor.

You're ok and there are ways to cope better with your flashbacks with the proper treatment. I've had terrible obsessive thoughts. I'm just not a visual person so mine are a little different, but it's all the same.

Lots of hugs and hope,
MG