OT: I give up...

[ladyamalthea]

Seriously... what is wrong with me???

I've always had a hard time with friendships... for one reason or another, people seem to come and go from my life pretty regularly. I can honestly say that I've never had a real best friend before. Sure, my husband has plenty of friends. We see them every Friday night. Me, on the other hand... apparently I bore people that much, or they hate hanging out with me because I'm so big, or something... I don't know.

I thought that was all starting to change when we moved into our house back in October. There are two other young women who are close in age to me. The two of them were already pretty good friends, but I seemed to be fitting in alright with them. It got to the point where we were all spending time together on a regular basis, even if it was just hanging out in someone's front yard (both of their houses are across from mine). But now, for whatever reason, I'm finding myself being shunned again.

They invited me to go out Saturday night, and I couldn't go. So, I texted both of them Sunday afternoon, asking how things went. No response. Then I found out today that my husband is hanging out with the guys this weekend. No problem, even if I do spend the evening alone. But, just to see what I coudln't get started, I text them to see what they're doing. No response from one, the other is conveniently busy.

Somebody please tell me I'm paranoid... I thought I was becoming friends with these girls, but now I feel like they're plotting how to weed me out of their social lives.

And I realize this all sounds kinda high schoolish... I feel kinda silly saying all of it. You guys here are great; but I've never really had that many friends that I could hang out with and feel comfortable... not even in high school... and it kinda hurts that my husband has all these friends who want to spend time with him, and I'm always just kinda along for the ride. It's like I just have nothing at all going for me anymore... I'm fat, I hate the way I look, my health has gone to ****, and no one seems to want to be around me. I could understand if I was acting depressed, but I'm generally pretty good at putting on a front and being friendly.

Am I going crazy???

[Rowan]

Hi,

I think you are being way too hard on yourself.

I have a hard time making friends, too. It's gotten better as my self-esteem has improved, though. I'm a good friend, and a good person. I suffer from depression, and sometimes I feel like no one likes me. But that's just not true.

You seem like a really nice, genuine person. A good friend. Try to accept yourself for who you are, is the best advice I could ever give.

Maybe those girls were legitimately busy today. Or not in the mood to talk. I'm sure they will come around.

Be good to YOU.

[nandm]

Welcome.

Although when we are going through something like you are going through it is easy to feel like we are all alone. When in fact, most people have been right where you are now. I have been there. I have always had a lot of aquaintences but it is really hard to find true friends. The 20 years I spent drinking I can only count on less than one hand the number of true friends I had. Today, after over 7 years of recovery, I truly appreciate the number of true friends I have. I think there are several factors involved in why the number has changed. Here is a list of the things that helped me.

• I started reading positive things each day. There are several books by Melody Beatte that are a great way to start a day. "One is Co-dependent no more"
• I started listening to what I was telling myself; In other words when I would get frustrated with myself over something and my mind would think something like "its no wonder that didn't work out you are stupid and lazy" I would immediately rephrase what my head said into something positive such as "that did not work out this time and these are the things I can do that might help change that." In other words stop playing the blame me game in my head
• I started listening to a set of CD's called "The Power of Positive Thinking"
• What we think of ourselves come across no matter how hard we try to hide it. If we don't think we are good enough that shows through.
• Stop being so hard on you. So you are a little overweight, who isn't these days? If that is something you don't like about you there are ways you can start changing it. Start out with setting aside 20 or 30 minutes a day to walk around your neighborhood. This not only helps because it is exercise but also gives you the opportunity to get to know other people around you.
• Make a list of your assets and liabilities. In other words what are the things you like best about you and what are the things you would like to change. Then pick one thing each week to work on to change.
• This list is really about changing how we percieve ourselves so we can change how others percieve us.

By working on what I could and can change, which is me, I have found that true friends have come into my life even though I was no longer actively seeking them. I believe this can happen for you. Hang in their, don't be so hard on yourself, and start changing you. If you can like you enough to want to be your own friend then you are ready to be a friend to others.

I am glad you posted, you made me truly think about this subject and I needed the reminder.

[shutterbug]

Lady......i feel the same too.

i think the truth is this:

if we weren't depressed we wouldn't focus on all the kind of things about ourselves that you mentioned. i hate myself. i think i look like a grimlin or worse. i can't imagine how anyone couldn't even look at me and not think "yuck." or "ewww, grose!"

i'm just turning 32 and never been married...no kids either...and even the one time i had a fiance...i had to buy my own engagement ring. I've been single for 4 years and the last one was a late-stage alcoholic who was also a sex addict and went back to his ex-girl friend every other week until she literally broke into my house and tried to attack me.

I finally tried to date again....at the beginning of this year....

I knew him less than 2 weeks before he'd drained my bank account and stolen my car.

Now...i'm not a stupid girl. I have a college degree and have actually be published in national newspapers as BOTH a writer and a photojournalist....and still.....i believe i am the black plague who looks like a creature only seen in horror movies.

i finally signed up for an online dating site. turns out not to be as bad as i'd thought it would. there are tons of normal, decent guys in my town who are single and have jobs and are not crack addicts or anything like those in my past.

BUT....even when they tell me over and over how pretty they think i am....i work my butt off to convince them it's ONLY my photography and digital-touching up that makes me appear un-monsterous. they don't believe me and one even said he knows a lot about photography and digital imaging and said no one could be that good at photo-manipulation even if they wanted to be.

i know he's wrong.
it's impossible for me to believe that anyone could find me not-horrid.

MY POINT IS THIS....we SOMEHOW have to somehow learn to love ourselves to even be able to SEE when people actually DO like us for who we are. I bet i could have a 100 guys following me and calling me daily and i still wouldn't believe that i am not an ogre.

i've read most of the books.
they haven't done much to change my loving myself....especially during deep depressions like now....but perhaps the next one i read will give the extra bit of positive directions i need. who knows.

lastly.....the first thing i thought, and have kept thinking, while reading your post is that you have a lot to be very thankful for. you have a husband. that's an awsome thing in my book. ask him to write you a letter listing all the reasons he first spoke to you, went out with you, called you, and especially ask him alllllll the reasons he decided to marry you.

you're special.
you know it.
now you just need to let yourself believe it.

giant hugs,
jenna