feeling stinkin' crazy

[SoosieQ]

Hi all~
I am going to rant a little here, just to give you a heads up.

I am so tired of feeling this way. Even when I am not self-medicating, I can't count on myself to be consistent. Everyone has up and down days, I know. But months on end of debilitating depression, followed by anxious highs? I thought I was getting better last year. A friend of mine suggested that nothing was working out because I was always "too nervous". Ugghh!!!

I never was a big fan of the typical American lifestyle (i.e. 9-5 jobs, timecards, 401k's, retirement, etc.), but you'd think it could be better than this. A little stability, peace, etc. would be such a great thing. It would be extra fantastic if I could count on myself to be stable enough to help others, volunteer, do something useful if this world.

I have no real reason to complain. I just seem to attract drama, especially when I am focused on drama-free living-lol. I've been trying to get sober and detox this last week, but am having a hard time doing so. I just hit such a wall in my last sobriety when I felt like things would never move fluidly, no matter how much effort I put into making things work out.

I've been trying to be more honest lately about my psych/ physiological issues, just like announcing you are an addict/ alcoholic in meetings, but I find that doing that just makes all the so-called "normal" people view you through a biased lens. All of a sudden, every traumatic thing that happens is because you are bi-polar, an addict, etc.

I know that I sound like I am whining. It is not so much a whine, as a desperate cry for help. I truly want to find a thread to pull myself out of this harsh place, but I am getting so discouraged by the "mental health" aspect of it all. So many times, I have shown up with a hopeful face (and heart), ready to try again, only to crash again 6 months later.

Thanks for listening.

[stone]

Soosie, I think you hit the nail on the head with the words 'self-medicating'. I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety and had a major breakdown a few years ago that could have got a diagnosis of schizophrenia too, paranoia, delusions, loss of any reality, voices from the TV and radio talking to me.

I sometimes wonder if I am using all this as an excuse for my relapsing 6 months ago (I was 6 months sober) but lately I have been going through the depression/anxiety mill again and I notice I just don't want to face it. I have had that hopeful face/heart for SO long. I am tired.

I haven't given up hope though, I seem to be incredibly stubborn, lol.

Anyway, sorry to vent on your vent.

[SoosieQ]

Thanks stone for "vent[ing] on my vent". It is good to know that you are out there. I don't want to be tired, or give up. I doubt that you want to either. Lately, people have been telling me that I am expressing bitterness. Scares me! It is just frustrating to keep facing the odds-esp. if meds don't work for you. Thanks for sharing. Here's to the stubborn!

[least]

I understand how you are feeling. I am diagnosed depressed, anxious, and bipolar. And trying to stay sober on top of that. But it does seem a monumental task sometimes. Especially when the 'down' times seem to last so long and the 'up' times are like the blink of an eye. I want to find some middle ground but can't seem to find it.

You are not alone. I cannot offer you any sort of help but I can tell you that you are not alone. Many of us feel this way.

Sending you big hugs.

[stone]

It is hard Soosie, I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and that even though I am struggling I am still fighting.

[Mkiz418]

No crazies here! I know how you feel, and yes, it does feel like whining to YOU, but to everyone else, it's reaching out.

*hugs*

[SoosieQ]

I think what is hardest of all are the dips and swings. When I finally pop out of depression I am all 'go, go' go', because I feel like I am making up for lost time. I will have some epiphany, share it with a friend, and have them say: "you realized that 5 years ago". It really hurts to make up for that lost time, and it is really scary when you are also recovering your memory.

This last time I started drinking, it was totally in defiance (to what? the Universe?) to the uphill struggle. I couldn't figure out why all the hard stuff kept beating me in the face when I was only working to do good in the world. That is what makes getting sober so hard this time. I don't want to hang my head and say "what's the use?", but I feel like I have a broken heart/ spirit. I want to help others and be accountable, but I can't look anyone straight in the face and commit to being there when I sometimes crash so hard I can't even sweep the kitchen floor.

[stone]

That is depression Soosie, you don't owe anyone an explanation...but you hate yourself...that IS depression. Part of it is thinking you aren't trying hard enough and you are unworthy.
Mine got so bad, my dad fell off a ladder and I somehow thought it was my fault ( I was in a different room), I felt like all bad things had to be my fault. Anyway, that is an extreme, not being able to sweep the floor, wash etc is depression.
I know we can't give medical advice, but if you told a Doctor what you are saying here, they would be able to help you, or maybe you are already on ADs?

[SoosieQ]

Don't have a doc, don't have insurance. Can't do AD's because I am bi-polar. Tried Lamictal and Klonopin for awhile (abt. 9 mos.) but they did not help. In CA, it is tough to get medical help w/out jumping through a lot of red tape. People have been advising me to go to the Salvation Army, but I am a little scared about their religious stance (and I don't want to go through AA again---doesn't work for me). I want this sobriety to be true...to me and to others. While I deeply respect others' points of view, I am not true to myself if I am not being honest.

[historyteach]

Soosie,

Have you taken a look at our secular forum, here at SR?
There's a lot of secular recovery taking place; SMART, Women for Sobriety, and more...(I can't remember them all...)
But, I want to point out that you've been sober for just a week.
Hey, you've been sober a week!
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

But, the fact is, that depression and anxiety is quite common in early sobriety. Proper nutrition; rest; exercise; hydration; and vitamins are going to be essential for you right now. You must work on mending your body.

Meditation, positive affirmation, prayer, (if you are wont to do so), CBT, a cognitive behavioral therapy, art, music, aromatherapy...will all assist in mending your mental, emotional and spiritual aspects.

And, of course, we've been looking at the nutritional information that we've both been sharing lately. So, we've both seen how the food we eat can effect our mental states. Indeed, I have no doubt that many people who are diagnosed as "depressed" or with "anxiety" are, in fact, nutritionally deficit as a result of the typical American diet!

So, don't get too down on yourself. Understand that the depression and anxiety are part of the recovery process, and that there *are* things you can do to help yourself.

And know that we are here, whenever you need to vent.

Shalom!

[barb dwyer]

Stone wrote:

I seem to be incredibly stubborn

Masterpiece of understatement there.

[barb dwyer]

Soosie - welcome!
I truly hope you find something that helps you here,
be it little more than the fellowship and peace that comes from
knowing you're not the only one..

because your'e not alone.

[SoosieQ]

Originally Posted by barb dwyer

Soosie - welcome!
I truly hope you find something that helps you here,
be it little more than the fellowship and peace that comes from
knowing you're not the only one..

because your'e not alone.

Barb-thank you, not being alone feels pretty good right now!

[colagirl]

Hi Soosie,
I totally understand how you feel. I haven't had any mental health issues in the past, but in the last couple of months I went through a really scary, long bout of anxiety and depression. The kind I can't pinpoint to any event and that I know is illogical based on my circumstances. It's really scary to not be able to pull myself out of that on my own. I talked with my doctor and started taking Prozac about two weeks ago. It seems to be helping a little bit, but I understand if it doesn't work for you. I'm also trying counseling to try to get some better coping skills.

Anyway, sorry I can't offer any advice, but you're not the only one feeling this way, and I'm glad I'm not either. Hopefully that helps!

[SoosieQ]

cola~
hang on. there are lots of ways to deal w/this. I hope that you are only dealing w. the situational anxiety of detox.... you deserve to have a good life!