self harm very graphic/trigger post

[hippyhippy]

I hope this is ok putting this in here? If not tell me and I will delete.

I am having either mixed states/rapid cycling (does anyone know the difference between the two???)

I have said here before that I used to self harm as a teenager, but not cutting. I used to burn myself mostly. I am now (shhhh whisper!....) 30 + ....... ok....35 + ! I started self harming again in very recent times. I did a few cuts to my arms and carved 'hate' into my leg. I did not do it for the pain, I did it for the bleeding. I didn't need to cut deep to draw blood. The bleeding satisfied me. However, like others I am sure, the marks weren't nice. Even though they weren't deep, they showed up as a conspicuous red weal for quite some time after.

I have managed to hide these from my husband. I think because I was so low, intimacy was out, so I had no major prob. I locked the door of the shower and told him it was because I hated him seeing me fat. I wore long sleeves.

Then I stopped it for a while. Summer meant I wanted to wear short sleeves. My scars look like old scratches. I didn't like doing it on my leg as it hurt so much more than on my arms. Then I did it a couple of times recently under stress but put it right at the top of my arm where even a t shirt could cover it.

What has me spooked though, is today I SF'd again. However, this was with much more malevolent intent towards myself. I cut across my wrists, twice and down my forearms twice. This was not a serious suicide attempt, but I have been feeling suicidal recently and getting images of this action in my head. Today felt like 'practising'.

I am left with four marks that I only have one top long enough to cover, a feeling that this is running away with me and a kinda spooked feeling that I didn't know for sure that I wouldn't have done the real thing earlier, as I am not informed of how deep a blade has to go to do the damage.

I am in a state about hubby finding out....which is going to be much harder to hide than before. I am worried (kinda.....but more worryingly...kinda excited) I am on a train I cannot stop. I don't know whether to tell pdoc and if he will even take me seriously as it is not as if I have burst an artery or vein. I have told him nothing of my SF so far.

Any thoughts appreciated. I am so sorry if I should not have posted this here.

Hippy

xx

[stone]

In the past, when I have been on a major alcohol bender, I have cut myself, only a couple of times though. Once I smashed a milk bottle over my head.
I can remember cutting my wrists, like 'practice' as you said. I have not done it sober but I imagine some of the feelings I got when doing it are similar.
Basically, you need help with this Hippy. I remember you are have a pyschiatrist, I think? Do they know?
Please try not to do it...

[nandm]

Hippy, there is a very good thread titled "Self Injury Bill of Rights" in the stickies on this forum. It would be a good one to read. "Done with it" has some great experience, strength, and hope that she shares in this thread.

Take care and I am glad you posted.

[TTOSBT]

I am so glad you posted Hippy. I have no experience with this but just wanted to share my support. I do have to say that it sounds like you might be ready to have to share this with hubby? I say that cause I ended up relieved after my husband found out the truth about my drinking. Then I had a reason to get help. Before, I would have had no reason to seek help as I did not have a drinking problem as far as he was concerned (I hid it all!)

[historyteach]

Hippy....
I haven't even read any of the replies..only your post.
And I know one thing...
You've got to talk to your doc!
PLEASE!
This is far more than an online board can deal with, as much as we LOVE you...
and we *do* LOVE you...

But, you are in trouble, my friend.
Get help.
Now.
Please.
It's time to lay it all out to your doc or to someone.
Cuz you are putting out to us piece by piece.
And you could be dead by the time it's out fully.
I don't want that to happen...I love you...

Please call...

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Thank you for replies. I am sorry if I was too graphic for here.

My self harm is the one thing I have not told my pdoc about yet. I don't know if any of the mental health team have, he has never mentioned it before to me.
My fear is that he does not take me seriously, as I only have ever made superficial cuts, not getting through all layers of skin. Scratches basically. I think if I tell him and I tell him of my thoughts to up the SH, he will just say
'well....don't'.....
well I know I shouldn't do it!

Nadm, I will read the thread you are talking about. Thank you.

Letting my hubby know is not an option I favour. I think it is just similar to the pdoc....I don't want anyone being scathing at me and saying...."self harm???Poohey....they are just scratches" and just thinking I am just an attention seeker. I don't think I am doing it to gain attention, as I have kept them hidden up til now.

Teach. Thank you so much for your kindness. I feel honoured to have such care from on here.
You are right, this is more than a forum can deal with and I shouldn't have been placing on peoples shoulders.
I am just so very very confused just now. In a dark place, in a good place, in an anxious state, in a hide under the duvet state, in a jolly state.....all in the one day. When I am feeling bad, I either come one here or go to bed. Hubby thinks I am ok cos he only sees the ok side. He doesn't question why I go to bed for three hours in the middle of the day, or why I didsappear in my car for three hours......he has blinkers....if he pretends I am fine...I am fine.
Anyway....I have pdoc in two days. I will tell all then. Not that I hold out much hope for anything changing as I can't take my anti depressants as I am sick every time I try ( I have created a psychological barrier) and he is just going to be cross as I told him I would.
Thank you once again for your kindness. I don't know what I did to deserve online buddies such as yourselves.
Hippy
xxx

[historyteach]

Of course you can lay it out here!
That's why we ARE here!
And you put it out here to get the feedback, right?
So, don't be silly. You know the one thing you'll get from me is honesty.

Judith is right about that Bill of Rights that Done posted.
Have you read it? I hope you do. And print it out and bring it to your pdoc, especially if you think he'll minimize it. Show it to hubby too, if necessary.

But, do take care of yourself. Get the help you deserve.

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Teach,
Thank you again. I do so appreciate your honesty and yes, you are right, I posted for feedback.

I have begun reading the post. It is very interesting. What I find particularly interesting is that starvation is considered to be SH too. I have been doing this since Thurs. I have been eating the bare minimum to get through the day, about 500 calories, and filling myself constantly with tea to temporarily alleviate the empty feeling. I have had control issues in the past with my weight, I don’t know that I would go as far as to say an eating disorder, but maybe I am kidding myself? What I do know is that over the past few days I have felt so mentally out of control, that it helps for me to starve myself. This is heightened by the fact I have lost a lb a day. That makes me feel temporarily good and all the more determined to continue. This I have to tell him too. However, I expect his reaction will be ‘well…just eat’

The impulse control log is very interesting. It makes a lot of sense. The bill of rights is very interesting too. I am not sure if we have anything similar in UK but I am sure we will have. Yet, I have heard of people having their wounds stitched without anaesthesia. This may have happened before we were a bit more enlightened though, I am not sure.

As to the non expressing of emotions. On one hand, I was encouraged to express emotions as a child. I was allowed to cry anyway. However, I do think that anger was more frowned upon. Especially from my dad. He hated me being angry, moody, sullen and would give me such a hard time wating to ‘know’ what the problem was….even if I didn’t know. My mum let me be more free with my emotions but she is such a stoic, I have learnt so much from her. There was a whole load of other c**p around emotions in my house, but I would feel too disloyal to post it.
Scary thing is, I realise on reading all this, I am doing same to my children.

I know I am on a bad road. I am scared. I don’t know how to stop it. I seem to be pushing myself further and further down it. I have only one enemy and it is me. It is not the illness, it is not my demons, it is not my pdoc, it is purely me. I know the answers…..why am I unable to to do what I should? That’s not a question expecting answers, that is just me expressing frustration at myself. I really hate myself just now.

Hippy
xxx

[nandm]

Hippy, I just wanted to let you know I appreciate your honesty. I am also thankful for the way you titled this thread as it forwarned people that it might be a trigger so they could avoid it if they felt they needed to. I am glad you have found some of the feedback useful.

I can relate to what you said about your children. I grew up in an emotionally starved home with a pedophile father. I was not allowed to show emotion. Their answer to tears was "I'll give you something to cry about!" At my 2 1/2 year old nephews funeral my father warned me "not to make a scene" which I knew meant don't cry or show emotion. So my solution was to dig my fingernails into my arms until they bled (guess that is a form of self injury). Other than the pedophile part I treated my kids the same way. I was completely unavailable emotionally for them. My oldest daughter became a cutter during her teenage years. Fortunately, as far as I know she has stopped now. But I have also changed and am more emotionally available to them since I have been sober these past 7 years. I do believe that therapy and finding the right meds has also helped. Mental health issues affect the whole family. I still find that in really stressful/emotional situations I still dig my fingernails into my hands or arms to distract my brain from the emotion. It is something that I am working on though and when I become aware that I am doing it I place my focus on not doing it which not only distracts my mind from the emotion but the self injury.

Even "small" self injury that does not leave visible scars is significant as it is an indicator their is much more going on that we are unable to express or don't know how to deal with at the time.

Take care. Keep us posted. Remember you are not alone, you have a lot of people here that care about you.

Judith

[hippyhippy]

It never fails to amaze me the kindness people show me on here. I hate myself so much, yet you treat me with such respect and care. I despise what I am doing to myself, yet you show understanding and compassion. Thank you all so much.

Nadm, I am moved to tears by your post. Thank you for your honesty too. I am so sorry you had such a traumatic childhood. You have grown from that terrible start into a lovely, warm beautiful natured person and that is a wonderful achievement.

I often feel my honesty is double edged. On one hand, it is one of my greatest attributes and I know lots of people find it refreshing....yet, on the other hand, it is a curse as I scare lots of people with it. I would like to be able to say I do not care about those I scare, but I do...of course I do. I scared them all at therapy last week and if I don't go in this week....which I really don't want to do...they will be scared I am dead.

I hadn't told you that pdoc suggested hospital to me on Fri. I said 'no' and he suggested the home treatment team coming out to see me. I said 'no' again. My hubby does not like them coming to house. I hate our hospitals here...or certainly my local mental health one. However, if he suggests it again...I might go. If I disappear after thurs..you know why. I don't think he will though. I think he will just be angry at me.

How can a person be so 'normal' on the outside but cracking into a million pieces inside? I am hoping that after my 1-1 therapy tomorrow I will feel some relief.

Hippy
xxx

[historyteach]

The one good thing about a hospital stay is that you don't have to do anything but focus on you. You get to take the time to discover if the meds are truely working or not. And to stabilize with no outside pressures.

I know there's a lot of negatives to hospitalization. But, consider the positives for the moment. Especially in light of what you are going through, and have been going through.

Don't you deserve to feel better sooner rather than later?

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Thanks Teach,

I do not know. I am too confused. I need someone to take the reins but hospital here is sooooo bad.

Hippy
xx

[historyteach]

I hear you...

Is there another option?
A day hospital or something?

Shalom!

[Done_With_It]

{{{Hippy}}}

Been in a similiar situation to yours before. I'm sorry your hospital is so bad.
Like Teach said is there another option?
What you said about someone else taking the reins is what I had to do, more
than once. Life was too overwhelming for me, and the cutting and ed was the
only way I knew to control it. I had to let someone else take those away from
me and show me new ways. Hard thing to do. But worth it.
There is a better way for you. You are worth more than your are giving to
yourself, you can live a happy life. We fool ourselves into thinking a razor/etc.
takes away the pain, when it is just adding more pain to our lives.
I hope you are honest with your doctors and let them help you.
{{{Hippy}}}

Many a girl (and boy) has died trying to say something with their body that no one ever heard.

[hippyhippy]

Thanks Teach and Done,
I don't think there is day hospital. There is home care team but hubby does not like them here.
I see doc tomorrow. I will tell.
Hippy
xx

[Done_With_It]

Originally Posted by hippyhippy

Thanks Teach and Done,
I don't think there is day hospital. There is home care team but hubby does not like them here.
I see doc tomorrow. I will tell.
Hippy
xx

What do YOU need? I keep seeing you say what hubby likes and dislikes.
I think at this point and time what he likes is not near as important as
what you NEED..

I don't think anyone 'liked' the fact that I was being put on a hold at
any of the places I ever was. What matters is that I needed to be there.

Please try and be open to what your doctor is going to tell you tomorrow.
Don't think or worry about anyone but You, and what you need.

[historyteach]

Hippy,

Miss Done is absolutely right.
What anyone else wants is not relevent right now.
What you need is what matters.
And right now, it's the only thing that matter,
with the only exception of the physical needs of your children which your hubby can take care of. They are young, if I recall correctly?

So, you and hubby get a plan for them.
And take care of YOU for once and for all.
Cuz you deserve it.

Ok?

Let us know how it goes.... And know we're praying for ya! :praying

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

Thanks,
but he doesn't think anything is wrong with me. I act normal in front of him.....well...I squirrel myself away at this pc. Then I go to my bed early. But inbetween times, I am ok on the surface. He won't understand why. I think he just thinks I am a drama queen.
I tried talking to him on Friday past. I told him I didn't think I would be here on Monday and that the doc had suggested hospital. A few minutes later he tells me he is going out for a beer on Friday coming. Mr sensitive I am married to. Obvious he thought I was talking rubbish then eh? Let's face it, he is right, cos I was still here Monday. If I tell him of the thoughts I am having he will think I am talking baloney. He doesn't think I need the home care team and I don't know that I can put up with the grief of upsetting him too. He only gets my bleak thoughts if I am crying and wailing but I am way past that.
Hippy
I have appt tomorrow. If I am not back on, you know where I am.
XX

[hippyhippy]

I will try to talk to hubby tonight but to be honest, it gets me so uptight as he just doesn't get it. Then when he dismisses it, it makes me feel ten times as bad.
Hippy
xx

[warrens]

Hippy

I actually have no business posting this, as I have absolutely no understanding (I'm an alcoholic) of your symptoms. I think many of us share the same issues, but they come out in different ways.

Thus, I am afraid to give any "advice" beyond this: Please take care of YOURSELF. Docs and relationships are important, but they needn't "understand." Your self care may have to happen "in spite of" them. So be it.

If you are "powerless" then you may have to surrender control for your own safety. I'd do it in a minute, and have done it (alcohol inpatient treatment) in order to gain the reins. Excluding your doctor from information has two negative consequences. First, he/she is unable to treat conditions that they are unaware of. Second, you are unable to determine if they are capable of treating your symptoms.

I hope you will consider being less apologetic here. We don't need to understand in order to support and offer love. Please come here for that. We all have our own "stuff" that would make others, outside of this place, cringe. That's why we come here. It's safe.

You are extremely bright and self aware. Use that to point you in a safe direction. For you and by you. Your loved ones will thank you in time.

Peace.

warren

[historyteach]

Hippy,

Your husband cannot possible understand...
You've been successful at hiding it from him, remember?

Maybe it's time you took him with you to your doc's appointment,
so the doc can talk with him. That's not unusual here in the US.
He needs to understand your illness too. No?

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

You are right Teach. I may take him. As you say though, I have become expert in hiding it from him.
I think tomorrow I will go alone as he will have the children but I may consider taking him to a future one.
Thank you for your care
Hippy
xxx

PS I don't know why, but further up I cannot edit a post. I said "If I am not here tomorrow, you will know where I am" I realise this sounds a bit ambiguous. I meant if I am not here, I will be in hospital. Sorry if I concerned anyone with that remark.
xxx

[historyteach]

I heard you, Hippy!
and knew what you meant...
So, I don't think you have to worry, there!

Members only have so much time to edit a post...
15 minutes or so, I think...
After that, they can ask a mod to do so, if needed.

But, thanks for thinking about it!

Shalom!

[hippyhippy]

I am here. Not in hospital. Had appt. Doc suggested hospital but I sort of brushed the suggestion away. I don't know why I did that. After a lot of to ing and froing of conversation I sort of agreed to take more quetiapine.
I feel empty. I am not going to do anything silly. I don't feel I have got anywhere. I am almost tempted to phone him back and say 'put me into hospital' but I can't make up my mind. I am alone here with kids. I would have to arrange child care.

Hippy
xx

[Live]

hugs and ditto to all the above,

love,
Tena