I am very sad :(

[Paulos]

I am very sad right now :'( wish it wasn't like this. So OCD about things... when certain things happened and when they didn't or such... I think I'm driving myself crazy :'( plus I had a traumatic event with my former stepfather screaming at me which made me drink and I'm back on Day 1. I'm not looking for sympathy I just feel real sad right now :'(

[historyteach]

(((Paulos)))

I'm sorry you're so sad about things...
And I know you have such trouble with your OCD.

But, Paulos, as difficult as it is when we have a fight with someone,
And I do know how it can be very upsetting,
The fight does *not* cause us to drink.
Never.
We drink because we choose to.
We want to erase the turmoil we feel. To drown our sorrows. Escape the feelings.

But, it doesn't work, does it?
The next day, we are back at day one, with guilt added to those very feelings we were hoping to escape. And the remorse. For letting ourself down, and others too.

Paulos, you can quit drinking. But, you've got to let go of the excuses for drinking, too. Dispite all of the other issues you have going -- the OCD, the autism, etc -- to quit drinking, you've got to quit using excuses to drink.

Fights happen in life, all the time. If you drink every time you get into a fight, you'll never stop. So, recognize that it's your decision to pick up that drink. And find another way to deal with the turmoil that the fight causes. Exercise is a great way to do it. How about going for a run?

I'm rooting for you, Paulos... I know you can do this!

Shalom!

[pedagogue]

You made me think of a quote that I've found helpful:

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm" -unknown

And a bonus one I found while looking up the exact wording of the first.....

“Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, Something you do, Something you are, And something you give away.” -Robert Fulgham

[Paulos]

Thanks history, I guess you're right I know about excuses already really, but I was being tempted as well by someone I knew to drink and I fell... but I understand why it happened, it was like the drink was the only thing that would calm me down, I was crying non stop. OH WELL, almost at day 2 thanks for not throwing it in my face that I messed up again history.

[Klynn33]

Hi Paulos,
I don't usually post here - but I was reading, and noticed Historyteach mention about some issues you have going on - OCD and autism....my son is high-functioning autistic and suffers from depression. He has incredible ups and downs and I'm sure it's hard for you as well. But just as it kills me to see my boy like that - I am sure you have people who care deeply about you. I understand you are now back on day one, and you know what? you've admitted it and now you can put it behind you and start over. H.Teach is sooo right - only we can make the decision to do those things. (myself included). I am sorry you're going through this right now, but I hope you take advantage of the fact that you're still here, and have the chance at another "day one".

I hope you feel better ((Paulos))

[sobergirl77]

Hang in there Paulos! All you can do is keep trying.

[Live]

Ditto to all the above wisdom!

And a hug,

Tena

[Paulos]

Thanks Klynn, yes my mother and former stepfather care about me... I'm high functioning autistic who is currently going off medication and it could take a while to get off it... it makes me not focus, and lose interest in the things I love to do... and makes me feel helpless... it's garbage