co-dependant

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Hi everyone! I found this message board and thought I would give it a whirl. Let me tell you a bit about myself and then if you have any comments or suggestions I would really appreciate the feed back. I am 28 years old and was diagnosed with a variety of mental illnesses a couple of years back. They were treating me for bi-polar disorder, depression, PTSD and anxiety. They had me on so many medications that I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt. I developed an bulemia during this time and lost 30 pounds in 5 weeks. I only weighed 138 to begin with. It was horrible. I was hospitalized twice and they would not discharge me. Ended up getting pregnant (was in a committed relationship) and lost the baby due to the meds. Talked to my Doctor and we discontinued all of the meds. I have been doing so much better. I still battle with depression and all the other illnesses but not to the degree I did on meds. I have been struggling lately though and I am terrified to talk to a doctor for fear that he/she will want me on meds. I am very functional and take great care of myself and my two boys. I work full time, take classes on line and even coach soccer. I just realized while starting a new relationship that I have co dependant issues. It's bad and it will end up destroying this relationship like it has all of my others. I assume that when my boyfriend isn't with me he is with another girl. I never say how I feel so I don't rock the boat. In the past in other relationships I had such strong fears of being abandoned I would end up pushing them away. I have no self confidence and struggle with why someone would want to be with me. I have been drinking a lot lately pretty much everyday just a drink or two but I am beginning to think it might be hard for me to stop. I used to drink alot. Alcoholism runs very deep in my family. Both my dad and my uncle died drinking and driving. I know that this is a lot to just put out there. I am sorry but any help would be appreciated. Does anyone have words of advice? Do any of you struggle with this.?

[chm760]

I know what you are talking about. I'm on the other side of that situation though, my girlfriend is bi polar, we often argue allot about the smallest things. I would never cheat on her, I fell in love with her from the first time I saw her, I've helped her through tough times, she's going through the 12 steps right now for her crack addiction, I've been there, I know how hard it is, but she can do it, just one day at a time! She too feels that she’s not worthy or she feels that she shouldn't have someone in her life, but I made a promise to myself that I will be as patient as I possibly can, and that I know what she is saying during her depression she really doesn't mean. I take the time, and I hold her when I possibly can, like its the last day of my life, and I tell her I love her, no matter what. She too has had to be patient with me and my frustration, she’s been off her meds now for 4 years, and its been hard on her. Her husband left her because of a pill addiction, and I won't do that to her. I understand how you feel that maybe the relationship is a co dependent thing, I too fear that, you should probably get back on your medication, and take time to wonder if your in love or in love with the idea of being in love. I'll ponder that with you, I to wonder if I'm in love with her or just afraid of being alone.

[greekette]

I'm 20 years old and at the age of 16 became bulleumic and anorexic and then then told i'm suffering from depression. I had a pretty bad childhood by losing certain people who played a major part of my life and to top it off my parents weren't ever around untill they found out when i was not well at 16. I was seeing many doctors and I was on meds up untill afew weeks ago. So i'd been on the meds for four and a half years.

My friends mum told me to get off the meds because you become dependant on them and that instead i should take up an activity to keep my mind and hands busy. I really didnt think it would work but i gave it a try. I went to an art and craft shop, i bought a huge canvas and different colours of paint. When i got home i sat in the living room on the floor and looked around, i spotted one of my mums vases with fake flowers in it. i thought i'd try paint that. Mind you i've never picked up a paintbrush in my life and have no idea about drawing. It took me the whole day to paint the still life drawing of that damn vase and fake flowers. Even when it was finished it looked like a 2 year old had just slpatted paint everywhere. I laughed, and laughed and laughed. It was the most pathetic drawing i've seen in my life but i felt good. And everytime i looked at it I felt happy. The entire day was spent on painting and not for one moment did i feel down. I actually enjoyed what i did.

Perhaps you to can pick up some sort of an activity, doesn't have to be painting just make sure you choose an activity where your mind has to be focused and if you can chooose an activity where you keep your hands busy.

Another thing that worked for me was singing, find a song you can connect to and look at yourself in the mirror and sing it with your emotions wheather it's bad or good. Singing helps you expres your feeling so it's a good way to get it out. I find i can't trust anyone so when i need to talk to someone i sit infront of the mirror and tell the girl in the mirror (myself) what's wrong and then give myself advice. I know it sounds stupid but it works. Belive me!

As for relationships, be honest with your partner, tell him how you feel, what you want. Tell him you feel so secure when his around you tell him you need to be held and want to hold him to. Tell him what you discover about yourself (your emotions) this is what will retain and strengthen your relationship.

As for the drinking, think about how it affected you when your father died and then think what it would be like for you two boys if they lost there mother. Every time you want to have a drink just scull a few big glasses of water till your so full that you can't have anything to drink, obviously do this after meals so you still eat and don't go back to eating disorders.

Most of all one thing i need to tell you. Your an inspiration to me, because when i went through all the things i did at the age of 16 i never thought i'd live it out and could never see myself giving another person advice on what to do because i thought my mind was so lost. But by reading your message in the forum it made me feel as if im not alone and also your 28 years old and have 2 kids and your still living your life. To me that's WOW! An age i thought i'd never get to and i never thought about me being like this and having kids. You are one strong person and just gave me the courage to speak out my story to.
:lumpy THANK-YOU

[MootPoint]

a goodie, but an oldie, come up from the depths!

[shutterbug]

Charmedone, I tend to write very long posts so you are forwarned. Also in what ever I say "take what you want and leave the rest."

I also am 28, bipolar and deal with anxiety and not sure what else yet, but possibly PTSD since the knowlegde that I am mentally ill is new to me and I'm just now starting to deal with it.

That said, you sound like you are going through a someone manic stage with bouts of depression. You are doing a lot and you sound exactly how I was 2 years ago before I hit my second major depression of my life that I am starting to come out of with meds. From all the intense research I've done in the past 3 months, I learned that bp is a progressive illness if untreated. It gets worse over time. Also we tend to go off our meds after a major episode is over because for the most part we feel fine and often are productive in live (overly actually).

Being medicated though, I believe, is a balancing act. There are a lot of doctors out there who over-prescribe and we end up worse and other doctors under-prescribe for varying reasons. Either way, the bp person (and their family) suffers.

It is imperative to seek a doctor's opinion. I made the mistake of only seeking the advise of a general physicians who only diagnosed me with depression. They don't understand enough about mental illnesses to diagnose so many like myself go untreated and suffer for years. With bp, it is very important to maintain therapy with a certified pychologist and to also continue in the care of a pychiatrist. Only they really understand our illnesses and how to best treat them. Remember a general physican really only deals with the body and most of their patients on a typical day are probably in their offices with colds and infections.

Just be sure you tell the doctor you see about your history and that you don't want to be over-medicated. I personally refuse to let a doctor prescribe any addictive prescriptions - my aunt died 4 yrs ago from drug overdose and my grandma (and dad I suspect) are addicted too.

As for the drinking, since you know you have a family history with alcoholism I would seek the advice of an AA member or program to determine if you have an addiction. If not - count your blessings! 80 percent of all bp's have substance abuse issues and you can also keep that in mind and limit your intake. If you do - then finding out now and working a 12-step program is the only way to save yourself from destroying your life with alcohol since it is also a progressive illness (which also means the longer you go without treating the disease, the harder it will be to deal with or even seek recovery). The fact that you are wondering if you may have a proplem is a very good thing since many alcoholics stay in denial for years and sometimes for the rest of their lives. (My dad is one of those denial drunks)

As for the co-dependency issue: you said...

[/QUOTE]It's bad and it will end up destroying this relationship like it has all of my others. I assume that when my boyfriend isn't with me he is with another girl. I never say how I feel so I don't rock the boat. In the past in other relationships I had such strong fears of being abandoned I would end up pushing them away. I have no self confidence and struggle with why someone would want to be with me [/QUOTE]

Well, you just described me perfectly. From what I've read, my co-dependency comes from several places while I was growing up: my dad's alcoholism (which came with both physical and emotional abandonment), my mother's abandonment, my step-mother and step-sister's treatment of me growing up (ignoring me unless I was being told to do something), my step-father's alcoholism (because I learned more co-dependant things from her behavior in that relationship) and being molested by my uncle.

Now with all that said...the only thing that has EVER given me hope for finding happiness in myself and sto top destroying relationships (or picking all the wrong men who abuse me) is Alanon. I don't know if you have heard of it, but is kinda like AA except we work the 12 steps toward a life without co-dependency (and learn how to deal with all the alcholics in our lives - or not deal with them if we chose).

Anyway, that's more than my 2 cents. Like I said before, "Take what you like and leave the rest."

Hugs,
Jenna