Feeling pathetic, worthless, and dumb.

[Paulos]

What a horrible subject title eh? Well I'm feeling like it... Day 14 without booze, Day 13 without Lamictal. I know I'm sounding like a broken record, and I've been trying to do new things as best as I can, for example yesterday and through today I was reading Lord of the Rings The Hobbit book for like 5 hours *not straight, 129 pages I read*, I believe I read it back in 1998... amazing how ten years can pass. Anyway, reading it... reading the author's words, how grand he wrote... what he wrote about, made me feel like crap since I can't do that and feel like I don't understand many things about usual life things... words I don't understand... *remember all please realize I'm a high functioning autistic adult* I think I was in an ignorant bliss when I was younger so I didn't realize all my inadaquecies, but now I understand and realize how bad I really am perhaps? I don't know, I once felt about life that I never wanted it to end because it was so great, and now I have no problem with it actually ending someday with the way I'm feeling... all I'm saying is it's amazing how I feel this way, I feel purely, and truly... cursed.

[StayinAlive]

Its only feelings not the truth. Sorry your still struggling. I never knew you were autistic, do you have any special abilities associated with your autism? I knew one guy with autism who could hear conversations at the other end of a crowded noisy hall. Amazing and he wasnt lip reading.

good work on your sobriety bud

[PupMum]

Day 14 without booze...sounds pretty fantastic to me.

PupMum
(Day 5)

[historyteach]

(((Paulos)))
Please try to focus on what you *can* do, not on what you cannot do.
I cannot write like that author either, nor any other author for that matter!
I always wanted to be a singer. Never had enough talent to do much more than the chorus in school, though, and now in the shower! LOL! So, I enjoy what I can, and it does bring me pleasure to sing to myself along with the stereo.

What are your talents? Focus on those and allow them to grow. Search out other areas of interest that you can develop. Indeed, if you want to write, take a writing class and see how it goes. You may not become Shakespeare, but, you might surprise yourself too!

Take it one step at a time, Paulos. You're doing great at the sobriety. So, it's a great time to start a new interest that will use your time positively. A new interest may be just the ticket to keep you on that path of sobriety.

Shalom!

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by Paulos

Anyway, reading it... reading the author's words, how grand he wrote... what he wrote about, made me feel like crap since I can't do that....

Most people don't compare their intelligence level to Einstein, so it'd be unfair to yourself to compare you to Tolkien, who was known for his detailed writing ability....and is one of a handful of great writers of his generation.

As for the other stuff, I agree with 'teach.....look at the stuff you can do. Best of luck.

[Paulos]

Yeah... stuff I can do ... eat food, drink water, wash myself, play some games, clean a house kind of ... bleh... what an inspiration I am

[Morning Glory]

There are things you can do Paulos.

Why don't you give Vocational Rehabilitation a call?

There are lots of services available to you. Your state has good programs available for adults with developmental disabilities. Why don't you take advantage of what's being offered?

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by Paulos

Yeah... stuff I can do ... eat food, drink water, wash myself, play some games, clean a house kind of ... bleh... what an inspiration I am

To someone who can't do those things it could be. Unfortunately we live in a world that focuses too much on consumption, comparison, and superficial 'success'.....though I've noticed many of the happiest people out there aren't the ones with the most toys, best jobs, or most ability.....they are the ones who have learned to appreciate who they are as people. No more, no less. I'm not saying it is easy, because we aren't conditioned to think like that, but I do know it is possible.

I still think about short-comings I have and how I coulda/woulda/shoulda done things differently, but that kind of thinking doesn't get my anywhere but down. I try and look at the things I can do and would like to do in the future when I am looking to think about myself. Sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is just get up in the morning, and give ourselves a shot. It doesn't happen every day, but I know that if I don't get out of bed, I most likely won't be able to do anything differently, and then I'll be stuck feeling the same way.

[Paulos]

sounds pretty true pedagogue, I'm always worried about short comings, inabilities, and my problems... especially comparing how I should have/could have done something... everyday... man it just never ends.

[Astro]

Originally Posted by Paulos

Yeah... stuff I can do ... eat food, drink water, wash myself, play some games, clean a house kind of ... bleh... what an inspiration I am

There are many active addicts out there who are still suffering and can't do those things! And the fact that you still post here and have the desire for recovery is definitely an inspiration.

Shortcomings and inabilities? Well, working the 12 Steps has removed most of those insecurities from my life, but I know you're not wild about AA. So how about writing a gratitude list for what you do have. Like water to drink, food to eat, a roof over your head, games to play, etc. etc.?