Need to vent

[Easeful]

I just need to rage for a minute. I've been the primary care giver for my 80 year old sil who has bi-polar and dementia. The family checked her into a nursing home last fall, where the care she received enabled her to pull herself together enough to demand and be allowed to go home. I told her I thought it was a bad plan but I would help her if I could.

Long story short, over the last 6 months she has rejected every type of help I have been able to get for her....meals on wheels, contact ministries, medic alert....... She went off on a rage at me when I told her not to call me any more that day unless she wanted me to take her to the hospital or Dr. I was sitting beside my son's bed in ICU when I made this request.

Once the crisis with my son passed I sent her a letter saying that she would need to find someone else to take care of getting her medications for her. So what does she do? She contacts the nursing home to see about checking back in. The witch would rather go back there than make nice and apologise to me. ::sigh:: It's time. It's for the best.

[nandm]

((((((easeful))))))))))) What a difficult situation to be in. It is never easy to watch someone we love be taken over by mental illness especially when they will not allow others to help them in the areas they need help. One thing that might be helpful is to remember that it is the disease that is in control right now rather than the person. Her refusal of help, demanding behaviors are all signs of the disease. It truly has nothing to do with you personally. No matter who was trying to help I am sure they would be recieving the same response. Her calling the nursing home may be an attempt to manipulate you into doing what she demands. Try to separate the individual from the disease and realize it isn't about you personally. Maybe that would make it easier to deal with. It sounds like the nursing home might be the best place for her. Do they have assisted living where you are at? If so that might be a good option. Here assisted living is where they have their own apartment but their meals are cooked in a dining room, their meds are given out by a med aid, their housecleaning and laundry is taken care of by care givers. It still allows them freedom but helps to ensure their needs are being met. It is more of an intermediate step between home and a nursing home. Many people thrive in the assisted living environment.

[Easeful]

Assisted living would be a wonderful solution for her. Unfortunately like many people with her type of mental illness, she's essentially bankrupt and if I'm understanding it correctly in our area medicaid (a state program) will pay for a nursing home but not for assisted living.

It's for the best if she will go to the nursing home. It's just a matter of time until she burns down an apartment building or is found lost and incoherent somewhere downtown. It would be so much easier for the rest of the family if she would make the decision herself.

Reading your post, It had never occurred to me that this was a manipulative ploy. I just couldn't figure out why she was doing it when she has been adamant about never going there. Makes perfect sense now.

[nandm]

It is unfortunate that there are not many assisted living facilities that are geared toward medicare rather than private pay. I was a resident service manager for one for 3 years that was set up for medicare. It was a struggle to keep the doors open because the money is not there to run them without private pay residents. My daughter still works there as a med aid. She loves her job. We had many residents with mental health issues and because they did not have ways other than a microwave to cook in their rooms we did not have to worry too much about them burning the place down fortunately.

After having worked around elderly people with mental and physical health issues my mind seems to automatically assess whether there might be manipulation behind their actions. It is not uncommon for families to be torn by guilt and fear because the person uses that to get their way. It is heartbreaking to watch families members trying to juggle their lives around helping their elderly relative and still all the while feeling like they are not doing enough. When in fact they have done all they can and more. I have often referred family members to Codependents Anonymous because it can be very useful to them to learn to separate the person from the disease and in the process meet their own needs without feeling the guilt and shame. Hang in there, you are doing a better job at all of this than you realize.

[historyteach]

(((Easeful)))
Nandm has given you some wonderful advice,
And your SIL has given you a gift of freedom, even if it was not her intention.

You have your hands full with your son. Take care of him and yourself. That's enough for now.

Shalom!

[Easeful]

You're right. It has been a blessing to have the freedom to focus more time and energy on son and myself. We're both doing really well right now and I'm so thankful.

And my sil isn't really any worse off. Progressing dementia is a very hard thing to witness. And I'm very sad for her. But there's really nothing left I can do, that will help maintain her quality of life.