I need you guys right now....please. I have no one else.

[shutterbug]

I'm sorry to burden any of you with asking you to be here for me when I obviously haven't been able to be here for any of you lately....but i'm so lonely and hurting....and scared.

I have no one in my 3D life, other than my mom. But, even she's been slowly pulling out of my life....even when i need someone to just talk with. She usually can't even pay attention long enough for me to finish 1/2 a sentence.

Everyone in my 3D life agrees that this 20th ECT treatment i had Friday....didn't seem to do me much good at all.

I have no sick, vacation or medical leave left of any kind.
Every day is a struggle.
I feel that most my co-workers would rather I quit...the rest don't care.

I come home to no one....every day.
I have no energy like i use to...to even put my free time to good use.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this....feeling like some bothersome peice of crap that my world just walks around if I end up in their paths.

I fear i'm at the point....where i may have no choice other than to quit both my jobs, try to get on disability, and just sleep my way through this nightmare until it's over. But then....it wins.

---
specifically today i've been thinking of:
1. how on my annual evaluation....my boss gave me a 2 out of possible 4 on the question about me strong work ethics and good time management. (when those are the only 2 things I tend to let myself feel good about a job well done on occasion).

2. I was in the hospital for 30 FREAKING DAYS AND WAS IN THE OR OVER A DOZEN TIMES WHERE I HAD MY BRAIN SHOCKED AND WAS UNDER ANESTISIA (ON FULL LIFE SUPPORT DURING EACH TIME UNDER).....AND YET MY PUBLISHER DIDN'T EVEN TAKE 2 SECONDS LAST MONTH TO WELCOME BE BACK DURING OUR MONTHLY LUNCHEON!

3. When 2 different people, at 2 totally different times from each other, found out who was filling in for me while i was gone Friday......the response of each was literally, "Yippee!" And then both, tried to cover their over-excitement up a little by telling me they just hadn't seen her in a long time.

4. and then of course....coming home to an empty, untidy home...where no one calls or comes by and i have to nearly beg my sister to drive to after my monthly treatments.

5. Oh.....and i nearly forgot.....all the people constatly starring at me. I'm sure they must have some normal reason for people all over the city, all times of the day and week, to constantly look back at me over and over again....getting the attention of others to look with them and giggling. I know it can't always be about me....and that i don't have some troll - like growth on me or anything........but what??????

------

Major depression feels like having the plague.

[Done_With_It]

Girl, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you.
It's the worst feeling in the world when friends aren't there for you in
the times you need them, so I'm so for what you are feeling.

Keep talking to us, and know that there ARE plenty of people who do care.
I know in the dark times it always is hard to remember that people care, but they do, more people than you probably realize.

[CAPTAINZING2000]

hugs

wish, I knew the right words to say

[serenityqueen]

((((Shutterbug))))

I don't have any words of wisdom to share.

I do have plenty of Prayers. . . And I will be sending them out for you.

Please know that we are never as alone as we feel like we are. You have a great deal of people on here who are willing to listen and share their feelings as well.

I lived alone for many years before my grown son moved back in with me. I had my Mom about as much as you describe having yours. This may sound silly but when I had about six, seven weeks in Recovery, I went and got a kitten. I found that having that unconditional love waiting for me when I came home helped a great deal.

I know when I'm depressed, I can imagine all kinds of things like coworkers not wanting me around or thinking that people are staring at me. I found out that once I made friends with one of the women at work, I had the courage to ask her what it was about me that the others didn't like. She told me that she honestly didn't know where that came from. She explained that maybe I was acting standooffish, thinking they didn't like me and they thought I didn't like them. And as far as your return to work not being mentioned, I wouldn't take that personal. Seems like a lot of the people in upper mgt. don't seem to be able to mix personal feelings with work. I don't think it's you.

Please feel free to pm me anytime you'd like to talk. I'm off work right now and pretty much stuck at home. I'm having some physical problems, the Dr.'s just found out I have Congestive Heart Failure, so I've got plenty of time on my hands.

God Bless,
Judy

[shutterbug]

Thank you both.
During a smoke break today...i made a comment to the 2 people at work that i always go smoke with just see what they'd say.

The comment was: "I think I'm going to quit."
Their response? ....nothing.
One is the best friend of the girl that fills in for me most of the time when I have to be gone and the other was one of the one's that said "Yippee" the other day when he found out she'd be covering for me while i was gone Friday.
Technically....they are both above me in rank at the paper, one being my boss when my manager is not there. But she's also the one who is best friends with the girl who fills in for me while i'm gone....and her best friend also has just graduated college with a photography degree and is in need of a job.

I think i'm going to have to start going out on smoking breaks by myself because going with them seems to be making me feel worse about myself each time instead.

Thank you both for taking a few moments to reach out to me. Really, thank you.

Jenna

[best]

Jen

Just know that I think the world of you. You amaze me so often with all that you do.
*HUG*

[nandm]

Jenna, You have no idea how much respect I have for you. You are a strong, courageous, compassionate, kind, and wonderful person and don't even seem to know it. I am sorry I was not here earlier for you but I am always glad to see you post. My ear is always here even if I am a little late. Sorry, I was putting a tow hitch on my sportage so I can use my little utility trailer this weekend to pick up some bark dust. Took me much longer than I planned. Take care. Hope to see you posting again soon.

Judith

[PupMum]

Hugs from way away... Have a lot more experience at depression than sobriety. Hardest bit has to be everyone living their own life. Even my Mum has better love/social life than me and she is 76!!!! Love your FINE signature.
Ever thought everyone is looking at you cos' you're gorgeous?!!!
This all sounds totally inane but your FINE made me laugh.

[PupMum]

Was carefully wording the gorgeous in last post to be gender-neutral but re-read and saw your name and you are female!!!

I swear if I didn't have a zoo in my house to come home to, I would go nuts (or nuttier)

Day 4 and discovered there are 10 (TEN!!!) bottle stores in 10 min drive home from work. Quite stunned I made it home without vino.

More hugs

[shutterbug]

Judy, I'm sorry to hear that anyone else knows what this is like, but thank you for sharing your words with me and helping me feel not so alone tho. The kitten doesn't sound silly at all. Actually, that's how i ended up with the cat i have now (well, actually....the one i have now was to keep the 1st one i got from not being lonely when i was gone to work and school all the time. I lost him last year to some weird cat sickness. This one actually just drives me up the walls wanting petted ALL the time.)

If I had the energy to even keep up with this one....i'd try getting another kitten or something not QUITE so vocally needy as this one is now that her partner is gone.

I can see where I'm probably thinking more of things than they really are with my co-workers, but my publisher had just finished making a big deal about a couple of other employee's personal things that were like my return after having been gone so long. And Today, people really were looking at me. Several from the office had walked past me on their way to lunch...walking down the alley toward the garage....and kept turning and looking back at me giggling (finally stopping when I looked back at them). I wish i could just ignore it all tho like most people do.

I'm awfully sorry to hear about the heart propblems!!! Do you mind if I ask your age? And if i ask what congestive heart failure actually means will happen now (or is already happening) and how it's treated?

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by best

Jen

Just know that I think the world of you. You amaze me so often with all that you do.
*HUG*

Bless you!
I wish my boss even realized a fourth of it.

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by nandm

I was putting a tow hitch on my sportage so I can use my little utility trailer this weekend to pick up some bark dust. Took me much longer than I planned.

wow woman!
You go girl!

And late? Who's late???
I'm the queen of late!
Which means no one else can be.
So....no worries.
You're a doll.
And i thank you over and over for all your words that are way too kind.

Bless you for every one,
Jenna

[best]

Give someone a job.
Place deadlines on them.
Hand them a camera and a keyboard.
Tell them what you want for a story or tell them to go find a story on their own.

How many people do you think could do it?

Now add in an obstacle of any sort....
Now how many less do you think could do it?


I hope you realize how strong a person you are and how gifted you are.
If lucky, I could maybe do your job for a week and then find I would burn out just from trying to meet deadlines *LOL*
(would also need someone to ghost write and a lot of picture croping)

[shutterbug]

PupMum.....i wish i could remember where i came across the "FINE" at, but I'm really glad it made you laugh. I think it's an AWSOME sign that you hadn't a clue about all those stores on your way home!! You can do it...just like i can stop my gambling addiction that i seem to want to run to these days...even when i'm PAST broke!

When i have my camera around my shoulder....then i just chalk the stares up to people looking at it because it's a rare couple of days or week that goes by without someone commenting on it and wishing they had one like it. But, when it's just me....no.....i'm just a short, 230 lb idiot, wearing whatever i could find clean....and walking around with the look of death on my face most of the time these days. But i appreciate the thought.

I wasn't too ugly before my first major depression in college...although, i thought 134 pounds was horribly huge. I showed a couple of picture my dad took of me at 16 (as my senior pictures) to my co-worker the other day and she said I looked like Fiona Apple in one. I found a picture of her online and was surprised at how much I had looked like her back then. NOT NOW tho! Now, the only guys remotely interested are criminals, losers or guys older than my father. No thanks. I wish i could just get that attitude tho....regardless.

Anyway, Thanks your thought sand your time and a giant welcome to SR.
Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Best,

Unfortunately, I found out the other week....that while i was on leave....my paper paid the boyfriend of the girl (who usually fills in for me) $150/day to do my job when she wasn't able to fill in for me......

AND...the kicker being that he'd only picked up a camera maybe 3 times prior for his college's paper when there was no one else handy.

That....is more....than even I make!

Hugs,
Jenna


P.S. Thanks for the quote in your signature.

[best]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

Now, the only guys remotely interested are criminals, losers or guys older than my father.

hmmm Ok maybe I am older then her father *LMAO*

Jen

as you walk down the street... *Smile* so they can see your beauty that is inside. Your smile can change another's day. If as many people look as you say...
Wow! Look at how many lives you can touch in one day.

[shutterbug]

Thanks Best....you are 100 percent right.

[StayinAlive]

sleep well Shutter, tomorrow is going to be a better day.

[shutterbug]

Thank you StayinAlive.Yes, tomorrow is another day.

Thank you all.
I really needed the words of encouragement and care you all have given me this evening.
I still am down, but i feel TONS better than i did earlier.

And i still want to make sure and point out a GIANT THANK YOU TO PATTY DUKE AND HER WRITING OF "A BRILLIANT MADNESS." Even after having read it for the first time several years ago....it still continues to stay with me and give me hope with i think about all she's been able to accomplish dispite this often nightmarish illness.

Someday.....before my time has ended on this earth....perhaps i will get to see bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder cured. I don't want to let these illnesses win over me. I feel i am blessed with too much in me still yet to accomplish.

Right now, my illness/depression is like that giant plant on that show "Little Shop of Horrors" where it devours everything it can. I don't want to let this depression devour all the things i possibly still have left to accomplish. Instead, somehow, I want to learn how to turn my plant into a sunflower with hundreds of petals of possibilities still left to bloom.

okay, that was cheesy.
it's late.
i need sleep.

i love you all.
Thank you for being here for me tonight and so through many other difficult evenings. You are each a wonderful blessing in my life.

Hugs,
Jenna

[CarolD]

Mega Hugs and Prayers for your peace
(+) (+) (+)

[historyteach]

(((Jenna)))

Never forget you are a beautiful loving child of G*D, worthy of the universe.
Be good to yourself, and counter those negative thoughts with positive ones.
Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
What will you do today?

Shalom!

[splendra]

((((jenna)))

I hear a lot of paranoia and anxiety in your post could this be a side fx of your recent treatment?

I went thru a period where I felt like everyone was watching me and laughing at me. It was an awful time in my life. Looking back I know there were several things out of balance with me. I think at least some of my trouble was hormonal and not just female hormones either. It sounds like you get stuck in flight or fight mode some.Which is controlled by the adrenal glands.

One thing that helped my mind calm down was to realize that other people really just don't think about me all that much. I was projecting onto others what was going on in my mind. Other people that I was around could "feel" my tension but, I was the one making the problems by blowing many things out of proportion in my mind by letting my anxiety and paranoia call the shots. I made too many defensive moves when I should have been making offensive moves....that means in reality I had the ball but was acting like I was trying to get the ball.

Do your job at work. Get some detachment and stop trying to prove to yourself that everyone is against you. You do know what your job is don't you? You don't have to be friends with everyone at work but you do need to do your job. If you think someone is vying for your job all the more reason to focus on the job and do it to the best of your ability. I love you kid and I know you know how to do your job. Feel better!!

[cinderellawkids]

Shutter I just wanted to send hugs. I dont know how you keep up.

[Rella927]

Sending a few more to you Shutter! I have read your posts here and there and you are an amazing woman! Know that we are here for each other!

[indigo]

I understand bipolar only too well, it's like a curse and yet you have shown amazing courage and are willing to go to any lengths to feel anywhere near well. I'm sorry you've hit such a low, it will pass and you will feel better again. How many times have I heard that? still it is true and I am storming the Universe for you.

gentle hugs indigo