New to the forum, AH has bipolar and would love some help.

[Callie]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I will try to be brief. My husband is 38, I am 37. We have been together for 21 years, married for 13. We have 7 yo twins. He can be a great person, gread dad etc. But 3 years ago he was diagnosed with BPD. He's never been properly treated. He's been to family doctors, counselors and psychiatrists. HE's been on multiple combinations of medications, but none have really done what they needed to do for him. He finally just gave up and takes seroquel only. The only reason he takes that is because it helps him sleep.

He also has a drug problem. He has been addicted to methadone and oxycontin on seperate occasions. He'd went through a rehab and was clean for about 6+ months and then started dabbling again. He said it's mainly percocet here and there. The thing about it is that he will lie to me about his use and I'm naieve enough and he's such a good liar that I believe him. I can press him and 100% stick to that lie. Straight faced without batting an eye.

On top of that he also has trouble gambling (poker). What started this last episode is that I'd suspected drug use somewhat, but not sure. This past weekend H went on a gambling binge and was gone from Thursday until Monday. I knew he was @ cards and had locked him out of the house on Sat night when he came home etc. etc. etc. Yesterday I get a call from someone he plays cards with. Apparantly several of them are very concerned about him. They'd not seen or known him to use drugs, but apparantly he was almost passed out @ the poker table, making stupid plays, slurring, couldn't walk straight, almost hit a parked car etc. They verified that it was drugs (pills). I guess over the course of the last 2 weeks he's racked up $1400 in poker debt (I had no clue whatsoever) yet to be paid AND he'd borrowed $1000 from his mom about a month ago (I'm assuming for poker debt - I also had NO clue about that until she told me.)

I confronted H about that today and he was livid, felt cornered, betrayed, demanded to know who called me. Said if they were real friends they would have talked to him directly. The guy that called DID try to talk to H, but he flat out lied and said he wasn't on anything. Anyway, I'd asked H about poker debt AND drugs prior to telling them that someone had called me. He flat out denied all of it, everything. When I pressed him on debt he started to get a sense that I knew something so he said he'd borrowed $200 (in reality he owes $1400). He also said he hadn't borrowed any money from anyone else when I pressed him about his mom he said he'd borrowed $50 from her when in reality it was $1000.

I could go on and on and on. What do I do? How can I help someone who can't even be straight with me? We've talked about divorce ALOT during the last years because I'm constantly mad @ him for something. He screws up left and right and I'm so sick of picking up the pieces from the bombs that he sets off in my life, our life.

Any advice on anything that I can do or is it a lost cause if he can't even see or admit that he has a problem. BTW, one of the counselors that he saw told him that drug use could be creating bipolar symptoms, which I agree with. But he's been like this on and off for 21 years. Any insight that anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated.

[wezzy55]

You have stated exactly what Ive been going thru..Sunday I loaded up my car and left again..The lies where getting worse...Once again I lost myself trying to help him..The funny thing is--I'm battling addictions too..WHAT WAS I THINKING----DAH! Anyway, i know the misery of living with someone who is bp. Good Luck from the bottom of my heart.

[BUTTERFLY-7]

To be Honest Sis.the only one that could do anything about
this situation is the person with the problem I sympathize with
you,I also come from a chaotic marriage all we could do if
you still want to stay marry to him is you your self get Help and knowledgeable,on this Disease of Addiction and Mental Disease

there are some helpful threads on this site go to
Relationship&Parenting sobriety I believe thats the name if not
sorry my memory fails me at time, I also suffer from Bipolar

and there are allot of helpful threads and they are some helpful skill people on this site that could Guide you.
I'll Befor you and your Husband &Family.

[nandm]

There are several resources out there for someone in your situation. A few I would recommend are CODA (co-dependents anonymous) or ALANON. Both can provide you with the tools to handle what is happening in your life. You could also try posting in our friends and families of substance abusers section, they probably have some good experiences to share with you. I wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom to pass on to you but as I really have minimal experience in this area I don't have anything wonderful words. Take care and welcome to our mental health forum!

[historyteach]

(((Callie)))

He screws up left and right and I'm so sick of picking up the pieces from the bombs that he sets off in my life, our life.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this chaos. I understand it completely. My ex is a gambler who was gambling away the mortgage. Lie was his middle name. My son is a heroin addict. He's in jail once more for driving without a liscense. Just got picked up yesterday. Belive me, I know the bombs all too well...

The only thing you can do is learn to take care of *you.*
You cannot help him at all. He has to do that.
Don't believe me? Hear it from the addict himself; Jon can tell you:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
Who's Jon? The original founder of this site.

Alanon or naranon meetings would be wonderful. And that link is to the friends and familys of substance abusers forum of SR. Please take the time to get aquainted with some of the old timers there; the ones who have what you want. Learn from them. They are happy to share their ESH, (experience, strength and hope).

Remember above all the three C's.
You didn't cause it;
You can't control it;
and you can't cure it.
But, you *can* learn to cope with it!

Try to get Codependent No More too. It's available at Amazon.com. A great book that will open your eyes.

Wish you the best... Please let us know how you make out. *hug*

Shalom!

[Callie]

Thank you so much for your help guys. I have been advised to go to alanon, I am just so ashamed of the entire situation. He is better than this, but he just won't face his problems and mostly denies or lies that they even exist. I have read codependent no more. Great book with my name all over it. I am to the point where I need to detach, most likely completely detach and divorce. It's just so hard to let him go because he doesn't have anyone strong in his life to fall back on. I really worry about him alone out there in this world with NOBODY to answer to.

[mizserenity]

Originally Posted by Callie

It's just so hard to let him go because he doesn't have anyone strong in his life to fall back on. I really worry about him alone out there in this world with NOBODY to answer to.

It has taken me so long to understand that sometimes the addicted person HAS TO REACH rock bottom to get to a place where they are ready to start recovery. I have felt the same way about my AH and still struggle with enabling him. It is a very hard habit to break, especially when you are already so codependent.

Hope you choose to try al-anon; I know you feel ashamed but there are NO judgments there. It has literally saved my sanity. Hang in there.

[Callie]

Is their anything online that I can do with alanon? I've found some meetings that are through the week, but my h works 2nd shift currently so I'm running the kids back and forth to baseball practices, games etc. I refuse to go to one local, my town is very small and people would be completely shocked to see me there.

[mizserenity]

I have seen online meetings scheduled on this site, but I've never sat in on one.

I don't know how old your children are, but if they are in school, there are often meetings during the day. Some meetings even have childcare (there aren't any of these in my area, though). Here is a link to the al-anon site: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

And for the record, the "anon" in al-anon stands for "anonymous". No one is supposed to talk about who they saw there or what they said. I understand your trepidation, but if someone sees YOU there, you have also seen THEM, too. Get it?

[historyteach]

We have online meetings right here on SR!
Just check the schedule!

Shalom!

[Callie]

can you point me to the online meetings through here? I've looked, but am not finding anything. Thank you!

[historyteach]

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...line-meetings/
Thursday is specific for alanon/naranon, but, all meetings are open meetings. That means you can attend and participate in all of them.

Shalom!

[Callie]

Ok, so more to the story. Found out that AH had missed work on Thursday and Friday (on his binge and gambling). I had NO clue about that. He had his uniform on just like he was leaving. Also, came home early last night and apparantly was drugged up again (says percocet) because he said he just didn't care and didn't want to feel. I was @ the grocery store today and called him around 2pm with a ? He was in his car driving somewhere and it was very obvious he was high. I told him to park the car NOW and I would come and get him. Kept insisting he was fine and was 10 minutes away. He came home. He's missing work again today because he's too bad off (high) to go. This is ridiculous. If you would see him, you would never guess drugs. He has a great job and if he loses it, that would really send him off of the deep end. I called a local rehab and asked if there was anything that could be forced. They said no. He will not go back there, but says that he "probably needs help." I don't buy the half hearted attempt at probably needing help.

Any suggestions on what to do, where to turn? I cannot throw him out on the streets in the condition that he's in. He will kill himself or someone else if he's driving around. He has NO family that is strong enough to deal with this. His mom would be buying into his lies within 2 minutes of him seeing her.

On one hand I'm so sick of this and want out, I've been @ this for 21 years. On the other I cannot bear the thought of something bad happening to him by me throwing him out. I cannot bear that for me or my children OR him. I care about him, I love him, will always be there if he really needs me, but I cannot live like this anymore. I know that he needs to hit rock bottom, but how do I ensure that rock bottom does not mean killing himself or someone else? I just don't know what to do right now. For now he's sleeping it off, but at least he's safe from himself and from hurting others.

By the way, I'm not even sure which board to post this on. He is supposedly diagnosed with bipolar, but he does opiates to self medicate. Thanks so much for your time. I've learned so much here just in the last 24 hours. FWIW, I KNOW I"m codependent. I want to be able to leave this marriage knowing that I gave it my best, but I also want to make sure he doesn't harm himself or anyone else. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this could be prevented. I couldn't do that to my kids either. AH says he'll leave, but he's in no condition to be doing so right now. Thanks again.

[Callie]

x

[historyteach]

Any suggestions on what to do, where to turn?

Alanon. And the forums above. And meetings, meetings, and more meetings.

I cannot throw him out on the streets in the condition that he's in.

You don't have to. You can give him an honest choice. And let him make that choice, and live with the decision *he* makes. Then, *you* are not doing anything but protecting yourself and your children, which you have an obligation to do, first and foremost.

He will kill himself or someone else if he's driving around.

My dear, he's been driving around, by your own admission, for 21 years in this condition. He has not killed anyone yet. Please don't *awefullize.* We codependents are so good at that. It is one of the things that keeps us tied to them, and, yes, controlling the situation. But, my dear, we cannot control this. It's out of our hands.
And, he has a Higher Power that *is* in control. Trust in that.

You say you can't live like this anymore. Then don't.
Did you read the link by Jon I gave you above?
There is the truth. The addicts truth. Read it again, if you did read it before, cuz, it doesn't seem as if you heard it. I know it's hard to hear. But, you *will* hear it sooner or later. Sooner is easier.

You cannot make sure he won't harm himself. Only he and his HP can. It's just out of your control. I'm sorry. Please try to understand. And again, visit the friends and family of substance abuse forum. See the people who have found peace. Follow their path. They will show you the way.

G*D bless you. And know that you *have* given it every chance. Addiction is beyond what you can do. It's in his hands now. And he's not willing -- at least not yet.

I went to the funeral of my dear friend's son this week. He was 30 years old. He left a 2 year old behind. My friend found him in the bathroom. She is heartsick.

Please understand, it is just as possible that you or your own children will find your husband on the bathroom floor. Is *that* a legacy you want to give your kids? Drug addiction is ugly. And it doesn't care who it hurts.

Addiction sucks. And it kills. That's the ugly truth. You don't have to wait around and watch the show. Or let your kids grow up watching this distorted view of life, either. There is far too much beauty to show them. Let them experience that side of life. They deserve it.

Shalom!

[Callie]

Thank you so much! Yes, through it all, I am waaay stronger than that! I love him, but I WON"T put my children through that. I love him, but I love them/me more. Thanks so much. It's just so hard to let go of someone as out of control as he is. Sometimes I feel like this site is not busy enough to give me solutions, but I realize that I've gotten so much from here! I realize that it's not just mental illness or alcohol addiction or drug addiction. It's all the same - we codie's feel the same! I don't know, I've been at this a long tine, but I hope their is a happy life out there for my kids and I without this turmoil. Without this sacrifice. KWIM?

[historyteach]

(((Callie)))
There *is* a happier life out there for you all.
It begins as soon as you start looking forward.
Yea, I know what you mean.

Shalom!

[Callie]

Thank you history teach - I do know what you mean and I'm determined to find it.

I have a question and maybe I'll post in a sep post. If someone possibly has bipolar *and* was addicted to drugs and now takes them sporadically, is it ever ok to "let them fall" like the sticky says? H doesn't refuse help for his BP, but he does not activelly seek it at all. If he would go to any dr. for BPD, it would be because I found the doctor, made the appt and made sure he made it to the appt. BUT when he gets there he doesn't give 110% of what he needs to to get proper treatment. I hope that makes sense.

[mizserenity]

Callie, I have BTDT with my AH. I actually took a course given through NAMI called Family to Family (for family members of mentally ill) and they do spend some time on "dual diagnosis" (meaning mentally ill and chemically addicted - or MICA). Anyway, there is a conflict about letting such a person reach a "rock bottom". I struggled with this for a long time. My AH has signed paperwork so I am able to speak to his psychiatrist (to get around the HIPAA privacy laws), and AH just hasn't been completely honest with him about his drug use, nor about how depressed he is and how he can't get out of bed half the time.

But I've made appointments, attended appointments with him, called the psych before his appts, called the head of the counseling center who the psych reported to (yes, I've done this 2-3 times). They told me they wanted me involved, but it just got to be too much, especially when the psych told me that my AH just wouldn't tell him the truth about what was going on, and part of the process was that he had to be the one to tell him.

I think I sort of had to hit my own rock bottom to make the decision for myself to detach from the situation, because attempting to help him was futile. He didn't want the help, he is terribly paranoid and finds it intrusive and annoying. I can't do anything right, he is often yelling at me and verbally abusive. So, I have stepped back.

You need to set your boundaries and decide what you are and are not willing to do, and take it from there. And if at any point you need to reevaluate those boundaries, do it and take it from there. No one can tell you what is right or wrong for your situation. But you're here, you know that things need to change and just by spending time here and educating yourself you will start to absorb the recovery concepts and figure out what is right for you. Good luck.

[historyteach]

My son is dual diagnosed too. He's bipolar and a heroin addict. He's been treated once for his bipolar disorder and I've never seen him do so well.

Long story which I won't go into, but, that treatment ended through no fault of his own. He's never fought for it again. And he's had some success with his recovery since. Recently a long term success, only to fail once more and relapse.

Bottom line, you cannot force mental health treatment on them any more than you can force drug treatment on them. And without both, the odds of relapse for dual diagnosed people is significantly high.

I'm not trying to bring you down. I've lived with this reality for 14 years with my son. I've done everything I can do to try and change that which I cannot change. And it only made me sick with worry, anxiety, stress, depression... I had to let to and let G*D.

I told you about my friend's son who died. My son also had a recent relapse. He didn't end up in the morgue. He's in jail. Again. There's still something left for him to accomplish here on earth. That's the only difference between my friend's son and my son. It could have just as easily been turned the other way. And I have no choice but to accept that which is. And to allow my son's HP to look over him.

So, yes, many of our addicts are dual diagnosed. In fact, it's very common. Self medication happens often.

Shalom!

[Callie]

This is so hard I can't breathe and I can't stop crying/sobbing. So hard to let someone go that you've carried for 21 years. It's so hard. He's not fighting me, but it's so hard. He's given up - he's moving out. I KNOW it's what I need to do, I've KNOWN it, but to actually do it is so hard. Utterly heartwrenching for me. I can't stop crying. I just feel so bad for him. I'm sending him back to the life that I thought carried him out of 21 years ago. Part of me still feels like I can save him - like I can help him, but he won't open up to me. In reality, he's never opened up to me EVER in 21 years. I've had glimpses of his reality, but that's it. In a way it's a gift he's giving me - makes it easier to leave. He really does love me in his own twisted way, he really is torn up and cannot speak. All of this happened and he's letting go and dealing with in his own way by shutting down. Says he deserves this - he's not on anything either. This is H. I just feel so bad for him, I worry so much about him. He doesn't have anyone. He's said I'm his only family and then just walks away and shuts down and says he'll leave. Nothing, no communication. He's just done, walking away, leaving.

In a way, I hate him for shutting down, but....after I think about it...in a way it's a gift. He's not trying to reel me in - he knows he needs to let me go so I can find myself again - so I can be a better mom to his kids.

I just can't say anything else - I can't quit sobbing. I so thought I could get to him, reach him, save him. I gave him my very best for 21 years - I truely did love him - I SAW his heart, who he could be - I'm just so heartbroken. But somewhere in there is hope. Hope that I can find a life by myself. Find a way. I still feel like if I hammer hard enough I can get through to him - I still want to try to get through to him - but I know I need to let go. That's the fighter in me I suppose. This is just so hard. But I know that I need to let go...I need to let go.

[historyteach]

(((Callie)))

It *will* get better.
Focus on you and your children.
Focus on the beauty in the world.
And remember what was good in your relationship.
Then, leave him in G*D's hands. He's safe there.

Shalom!