Mother is sick, but with what?

[RachelK]

Hi all. My name is Rachel and I recovered from an eating disorder a year ago. I know that during that time, my soon to be husband was active in a forum called Something Fishy and it really helped him. I was directed here by one of the members.
I have some questions in regards to my mother. It's very clear that she's mentally ill. But I'm not sure what exactly she has. Although I understand that no one could give a medical diagnosis based on a description I gave, but I was hoping someone could point me in the right direction.
First off, she does have disordered eating patterns, but I'm not sure if I would say she has an ED. When I was younger, she made diet baby food for me and often forced me on diets. This was both so that she could make sure I turned out to be the "perfect" child and so she could have a diet partner.
My mother has out of control rage. She is extremely moody and can suddenly have this attack of anger that seems to come out of nowhere. Sometimes, she'll even get violent. She used to be violent towards me as a kid (until I was a teenager and fought back). Now, she attacks my dad (my dad will never ever fight her back or lift a finger in her direction). At first I wondered if she was bi-polar, but she doesn't ever get manically happy. She will have weeks where she'll be nice and behave and not have any putdowns towards those in the family. But out of nowhere, she'll blow up. This however, she seems to control very well in public. I have never seen this directed at anyone but immediate family.
She avoids social situations unless she is expected to show up. Everything she does revolves around what other people think of her. For instance, she's a janitor at a high school and obsessively cleans because she's scared people will look at the school and think she doesn't do a good enough job. She'll clean a school that contains only 130 high school kids from 2:30 p.m. til 11:00 p.m. My mother has the poorest self esteem I've ever seen. And trust me, after all kinds of treatment, support groups and working with children with behavioural problems, I've seen a lot of low self esteem.
My mom is also very controlling. She will do absolutely anything for control. It's almost like a drug for her. The word "no" means try again from a different angle.
My mother refuses to acknowledge mistakes. She usually has extensive stories about how it's someone else's fault (usually my dad or her mother in-law). She tells all these lies about how she's mistreated and repeatedly puts herself in a victim role. My mother doesn't acknowledge choices to get herself out of trouble. Thing is, I'm often not too sure if she realizes they are lies in the first place. It really seems like she honestly believes them. For instance, she'll hit my dad and then start screaming immediately afterwards about how he abuses her. It really is bizarre.
My sister, my Dad and I have suspected either bi-polar, manic depression or maybe even she is a pathological liar. Or some combination of the above. I suspect she might have had an eating disorder as a teenager. She alludes to the fact that she used to go on fasts before vacations. Any ideas as to what this may be and where I could go for help?

[historyteach]

Hi, Rachael,
And welcome to SR, and the mental health forums!
Your mom sure sounds like a handful, all right! Wow!
How are you handling all of this?
See, the thing is, she's not here asking for help, and we are a support group that exists for the purpose of helping those seeking support. As you noted, we cannot *diagnose* your mom based on your description of her behaviors. But, those behaviors must have surely caused you some aingst during your life.
So, how are you doing?

Just a note, though. Bipolar is the same as manic depressive. It's just a new name the psy community has given it. And now, it's becomming known as bipolar spectrum! Oy! They keep changing thing! How are we to keep up with it all! :rof

You say you want to go for help. But, you don't say for what. Is it help for yourself? If so, for what exactly? In dealing with your feelings as a result of her behavior? That would certainly be understandable. I'm sure there's a lot to work through.

Or is it help for your mom you are looking for? She's going to want help for it to have any meaning, I'm afraid. And from what you say, it doesn't look like she has any insight into the fact that she may need help.

In either case, a good counselor or social worker can do wonders. Ask your doctor for a reference. S/he can help. If not, look in the phone book for your community mental health center.

Please let us know how you make out. We care...

Shalom!

[Latte]

She may be sick, you are right.

I'm sure you've learned in recovery that we have to help ourselves first.

I'm an addict, but I am also a Co-Dependent/ACOA. Part of my recovery was getting help for my Co-Dependency. When I did that, as I'm working on that I have a peace that I didn't have when I was just attending AA/NA.

[adore79]

Hi Rachel,

Please keep in mind that I am NOT a doctor and have no formal education, but learning about abnormal psychology is a hobby of mine. I would recommend getting your mom to see a counselor or psychiatrist. The symptoms you describe sound a lot like personality disorder, like borderline personality disorder. Here is a link that might help. Anyway, please keep in mind that this is only a suggestion. Good luck.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Live]

actually Borderline Personality Disorder was my first thought too.

But Teach has said the truest and most helpful direction.

[TiredMama]

I was actually thinking something else, but that's just me. Dunno...

Welcome to SR !