Coming clean.

[3suns1star]

Hi all

Im new to this site, and Ive come here because Im sick of making a drunk idiot of myself.

I dont know where to start, Ive lost alot of my pride, and alot of my self worth because of satan in a bottle, Done all sorts of things, ruined my sisters engagement party, had fights with my mother, punch ups with my dad, and have lost alot of respect and friends along the way. ive absolutely ruined my reputation around town. Ive practically just gotten out of high school and havent really tasted the fruits of the world properly. I used to be a funny guy, and a upbeat sorta bloke, now im the freak that sits in his room depressed as ****, overweight, unclean and sad. no sex drive left or nething.

I also smoked marijuana heavily, at least 12 cones a day, for about a year, and that left me with bizzarre paranoia and hullicinations. I found it hard to sleep, and I saw devil faces in the darkness and whenever i closed my eyes. then came the inward looking, thinking about everything negative that ever happened in my life and twisting it to the point where it was just driving me towards suicide

I recently took two weeks of pot and alcohol, and although ive made a firm choice to never smoke weed again, I relasped on alcohol last nite, and I was only drinking light beer, but It still messed with me and turned me into a spiteful aggressive arsehole. and my friends who thought i was doing so well were once again left dissappointed.

Im sick of feeling like a total negative creep. I want to change. and im really pissed with myself.

[Eqlibrium]

well if you are hallucinating and extreme paranoi that can be skitzophrenia which doubles the risk if you smoke, but i would go to your family doctor to run some tests other wise your in the right place if your looking for people who have ****** up and recoveredd you well find alot of good people you can relate to her good luck with it

[3suns1star]

when i went in there they linked it to substance. they ran some tests, and told me it was depression and the weed and alcohol was making it worse.

if i am skitzo. i guess ill have to deal with it.

[historyteach]

Good morning, 3suns1star!
And welcome to SR!!!

No one here can diagnose you with anything. We are not doctors.
But, it's clear that your drinking and use of pot are causing problems in your life. Alcohol is a depressant. So, becomming depressed is not unusual when you abuse that substance.

You say your doctor told you that you suffer from depression brought about by substance abuse. Are you on medication? If so, drinking will negate the benefits of that medication. It will be like taking nothing. And, if you continue to drink, you will continue to be depressed, and get worse.

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

Have you tried an AA meeting or any other form of recovery? It seems like that would be a good first step for you, (pardon the pun! ) And you can get some really good online support here on the alcoholism forums, too.

I urge you to seek support for your alcoholism problem. The other problems will only get better once you begin to clear up that one. Remember, if alcohol is *causing* a problem in your life, then alcohol *is* a problem in your life!

I wish you well as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

[tes]

I know how your feeling all too well. I have destroyed everything because of my heavy drinking and ice problem. The remorse can and will make you go crazy if you let it take over, it has caused me to have breakdowns because of some of the s*** that ive done. Most of the so called "friends" that ive got completely burn me behind my back. I threw my phone in the trash. I am unemployed and isolated at the moment also. I know that it will get better if I just stay out of sight and not get hammered to try to kill my self pity and depression. Usually just makes everything alot worse. Ive been sober for 2 days and it is starting to loosen its grip, but I am having withdrawls. Im not really sure that you are skitzed, but I wouldnt smoke any more weed or drink excessively though. I hope everything works out for you. If possible try and keep yourself busy with something to keep your mind off of everything. I know it can be hard to when things are bad but it does help me alot.

[nandm]

Welcome to SR!

So many of us have been where you are right now. I for one can remember quite clearly the feelings of shame, remorse, the feeling like I was a failure because I was unable to control my drinking or just put it down and stop. What I learned through my 20 year journey of drinking is that I am an alcoholic. My body reacts differently when I add alcohol and even when I don't add alcohol my brain still craves it and I feel insane without it. I came to the point I knew I could no longer go on living while drinking but did not have any idea how to live without drinking. It was a miserable place to be. My insides were a mess, I could not stand being in my own skin.

The solution I found was a program of recovery. It gave me the tools to learn to live without alcohol and without feeling the insanity that my attempts to quit before always left me with. It also helped me lose the obsession of alcoholism. There are many programs of recovery out there. There is a list in our alcoholism forum here at SR with links to many of them. Personally, AA is the program that worked for me. I just celebrated 7 years of sobriety last month. There is hope. There is a solution to what is going on for you right now. Please check into a program of recovery. I am sure there is one in your area. Feel free to ask questions as you are among people with a common problem and many have found the solution to it.

[TiredMama]

I agree with teach and nan. Almost all of us have been there. Although my drug of choice was opiates and benzos. I felt so ashamed, and on top of that I had been diagnosed with bipolar II and schizoaffective disorder. I was mixing my meds with my "drugs of choice."

Keep posting and welcome to SR!