I admit that I'm a mentally ill alcoholic

[least]

but don't feel like my life's worth reclaiming or trying to save. Unemployed, broke, daughter's cold to me (thanks to the last year spent drinking), family is telling me to "keep my chin up" and "go out and get a job" and "stop being so negative"...

Am sick of all of it and sick of all of them too and just would like to sleep for the rest of my days. My only 'family' who loves me unconditionally is my two dogs. Everything else seems to be in the toilet. Overwhelming depression and anxiety. Too tired to fight it off today. Everything is going wrong, and what isn't going wrong isn't "going" anywhere anyway. What's the use??

Remember the Paul Newman movie Cool Hand Luke? Where George Kennedy is beating the crap out of him and all the other guys are saying "stay down Luke, stay down!" ... well I just want to stay down instead of always getting knocked down.

[yogurt75]

Feelings aren't facts and this too shall pass

Been there done that - hang in!

[adore79]

Least, I'm at the same place. Complete hoplessness. I havent' been this depressed in years, but at the same time, I know that depression is something that you CAN come out of. It is a treatable illness. I pray to God to give us the strenght to come out of this. I know alcohol only makes it worse, but we don't really care when we are depressed, do we? We are just looking for an excuse, any excuse, to stay down.

And the family members who don't understand....It is so frustrating. Very few people understand mental illness ya know. My folks, they have never been alcoholic or depressed in their lives, all they do is pester me to get a job when I can't even get myself to take a shower. It is so unfair. But like I said, we will come out of it eventually, it will just take time and work.

[historyteach]

Hi, Least,
And welcome to the MH forum of SR!

I'm sorry to hear that things are so hard right now. It's important that you stop drinking in order to overcome this serious depression. While many times alcohol is used to self medicate, it's a double edged sword. Soon, the alcohol feeds the depression and makes it worse. Even when there's medication. Because alcohol is a depressant, any antidepressant you take won't be fully effective. It's like taking nothing. So, the depression goes full force, and can get worse. If you want to get better, it's important that you stop drinking. You'll find things will begin to get better. Hard as that sounds right now, it's true.

Have you seen the doctor for meds? Are you going to AA or any other recovery program? Support is vital in the beginning, as you learn new ways of living without alcohol. And counseling with medication is known to be the most effective treatment.

I look forward to getting to know you as we both work on our recovery.

Shalom!

[least]

I"m five days sober today but my depression has been going on for over ten years and seems to be getting worse in the last couple years. Only been drinking for a year. Just get no joy from anything anymore, only setbacks.

[soidog]

It is a hard and lonely battle dealing with depression and I feel your pain. My drinking and depression were just beating me down like a 1-2 punch. I don't want to sound overly didactic as every person must find his/her own way to deal with depression, but some things that helped me turn things around (besides stopping drinking) were changing friends, changing environments, exercise, and travel.

Hope things work out for you.

[best]

Originally Posted by least

...and "stop being so negative"...

Ok tell me how and I will.
*LOL*

Job or no job... if you work through the 12 steps of AA, you will find the answer of how to stop being so negative.
You will smile more as you go looking for that job and the smile just may be what gets you that job. The job just may increase that smile all the more and one day you will have family asking...Why are you always in such a good mood? They even get jealous of it *LOL*
Solutions are there when we put them to use.

[TiredMama]

Originally Posted by least

I"m five days sober today but my depression has been going on for over ten years and seems to be getting worse in the last couple years. Only been drinking for a year. Just get no joy from anything anymore, only setbacks.

Are you seeing a therapist or doctor for your depression??

Hang in there. :ghug2

[historyteach]

Congratulations on 5 days sober!
That's a wonderful start!!!

Your depression has been going on for a long time. Have you ever gotten any treatment for it? Depression *is* treatable. And the treatment *is* effective.

But, your depression has been exaserbated by the drinking. So, it's been magnified. It's really important that you stay sober and get support to help you past this dark time.

And in the meantime, try to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Yes, it's a tall order, especially when we aren't doing well. So, start small. Do one thing but make a committment to do it every day. It could be going to an AA meeting and working those steps as Best suggests. It's a spiritual program, afterall. Then, when you begin to feel better, add another.

Are you getting treatement? Are you on an antidepressant? For severe depression, it's important that you get treatment too. A bandaid will not fix a chemical imbalance. Please do take care of yourself.

And let us know how you're doing. We care...

Shalom!

[least]

Yeah, been in counseling/therapy for over ten years, on and off. Currently on five different meds for depression, anxiety, and bipolar. Just lately really depressed and anxiety-ridden and circumstances are not on my side. I'm trying, really I am, but some days (like today) are so bad it's unreal. Am so sick of failing that it's hard to get up the energy and ambition to even try. I have good days and bad days. Today is one of the bad ones.

what makes me wonder is this: I'm doing so badly these days even with counseling and meds, what the h*** would it be like without them?? And every time I get up, I get knocked down again. One daughter thinks she's pregnant (doesn't want to be), one daughter's going off to college this fall (we used to be close), and the youngest is living in a private foster home cause our relationship is so toxic. So the emotional illness/instability is just the icing on the cake.

:sorry I've felt like crying my eyes out all day only I couldn't cry. Maybe that's why feeling so tense - cause no outlet for the tension.

[historyteach]

Ok, bipolar. Alcohol is very unstablizing for people with bipolar disorder. So, it will take some time, but, in time, you'll begin to feel a bit more stable again.

Drink lots of water. Eat well. Try hard to keep regular hours of sleep and waking hours. Those things are absolutely necessary for people with bipolar disorder. And you probably did none while you were drinking right? It's ok. Start tonight. Yes, fresh again. Each moment is a chance to start again.

It's good you've come here and you are writing out what is going on. Please continue to do so. It's healthy for you. And know that we're here to support you as you work your way through this difficult time.

Remember, it *will* get better. Have faith.

Shalom!

[least]

I'm so frustrated I want to cry but can't release. Feeling so 'unreal' and disconnected the last couple days, being sick with a stomach ailment isn't helping either. I haven't had a drink for a week and should be getting things done that I'd been neglecting but can't stay focused long enough to do anything and too sick to do it anyway. A grey rainy dreary depressing sick day. Being sick makes me more depressed cause of not being able to even sit up for too long and too restless to sleep.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me??

[soidog]

I hear you man. Even though it sounds superficial, I have found that grey days and lonely nights can really increase depression. Sunlight and just getting out there can be completely revitalizing, almost to the point where it surprises me.

Again, not to sound overly didactic here - but how is your diet? Do you exercise regularly? How about just going for a walk in the park? Sometimes the simplest things can help.

[splendra]

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I know there is an answer keep looking for it. Maybe you should ask your doctor if one of your meds might be making your withdrawal from alcohol and depression worse.

[historyteach]

Least,
G*D has not forsaken you...
In fact, reconnecting with your spirituality could be one of the best things you could do for yourself right now.
I know when I take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I do my best.

What are you doing for yourself, to make yourself feel better?

It is going to take some time to undo the damage of drinking heavily while you were being treated for bipolar disorder. Alcohol and meds don't work together. Alcohol undoes all the benefits of the medication. So, it's like not taking anything. It's a washout. Remember when you first started taking meds? It took some time for them to start working, right? It's going to take some clean time to feel better again. And some work on your part.

So, what one positive thing are you willing to do for yourself today?
Start small, and work up. I *know* it's hard!
And we are here for you.

Splendra had a good idea to check with your doctor too. Is your doc aware of the extent of your drinking? If no, s/he should be. There may be somethings that we, here on SR, are not aware of. We are not medical people, but, support people. You should check with the doctor, ok? That *could* be your start!

Shalom!

[least]

Yes, my shrink is aware of the extent of my drinking. He even prescribed Campral for me (which is supposed to restore the brains chemical balance). I just feel lost all the time, confused and disconnected. I don't feel 'grounded'. Don't know how else to describe it. Thanks for all the input. It does help to know I'm not alone.:ghug2

[CarolD]

Hugs and Prayers for your peace
(+) (+) (+)

[splendra]

Originally Posted by least

I don't feel 'grounded'.

In regards to feeling grounded I do know that yoga has helped many people to get more inside their body which helps to make one feel more grounded.

In my town the YMCA and several churches have free yoga classes perhaps your town does too. If you do start this kind of exercise even if you have done it before it is best to first ask your doctor and to start out in a beginner's class and work slow learning how to breathe and move with in your own range never forcing your body beyond it's limits.

[least]

Thank you to all for your understanding. THis depression and anxiety are gettng worse, despite taking my meds. I'm sick of feeling so 'down' all the time. I want to enjoy a bit out of my life and it seems that this depression is just overwhelming everything.


I'm wondering if being off alcohol, the withdrawal effect, have anything to do with feeling so depressed and anxious?

[warrens]

Least

I wonder if it is not too early to "sort out" all of your feelings. You have a lot going on in your life, your head, and your body. Including meds and withdrawal from alcohol. That is a dizzying recipe.

But I think that you are focused on what is most important-the key to it all-your recovery. The depression, the unemployment, your daughter, all of these and more are tied somehow to your addiction. You can address each and more far more effectively if free from the demon. If you try to tackle the others first without being in recovery, well you predict the outcome.

Is there a doctor skilled enough to isolate the source of your depression at this point? If so, I would like the name of that doctor.

Perhaps if you look at your depression as pretty logical right now it might ease some of the fear you have. Depression with no cause is the real demon. You are doing a remarkable job of giving recovery your all while carrying a huge life load. Is there any wonder that you are depressed and have anxiety? Makes perfect sense to me. I think understanding our pain is the first step to lessening and eliminating it. Give yourself a break. Commend yourself for not giving in, as many would. And accept the fact that most people with a temperature over 70 and your load to carry would have depressing thoughts. It is what you do with them that counts.

Take it EASY, but TAKE it!

warren

[Freedom1990]

Least, you are not alone. Late last year my depression got so deep that when I got in the car, I was either going to stop at the mental health center and get started back in therapy again, or drive over to an old roommate's house that I have the key for, grab his Glock, stick it in my mouth, and pull the trigger.

I opted for plan A, thank God.

I never EVER thought I was going to get back out of that abyss. I requested a medication evaluation with the resident psychiatrist there. Don't get me wrong. I have a wonderful doctor, knowledgeable in addictions, but the anti-depressant 'seemed' to be failing.

It took some medication tweaking, an increase in the anti-depressant, adding a second anti-depressant to combat the restless nights and 20 pound weight loss I had gone through, regular sessions with my therapist, and just within the last month the light is starting to shine at the end of the tunnel, and it's not a train coming at me!

Through it all I continued to attend my AA meetings regularly, talk to my sponsor, work the steps, am now sponsoring two other women.

I was over 17 years sober when this last really bad spell hit me, so you are doing incredible for your circumstances

Don't give up 5 minutes before the miracle happens, my friend

[shutterbug]

hang in there and keep pushing forward!

[barb dwyer]

least -

wishing you the best over the weeknd -
feel free to use my trailer over by the pond if you need to get away, okay?

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers till I get back, hon.