Make up your mind mom..

[TiredMama]

..because I thought I was the one with the mood disorder, not you. You claim you want to understand "me" and my "disorder" but yet you want to throw guilt trips on me.

Here's the story. My father was abusive in all ways to me growing up. He drugged me, beat me, talked to me like trash, etc. He continued abuse through the years in different ways such as ignoring my existence and my younger sister's and trying to make us "feel guilty" because of what he did over the years. (My sister never caught the bad parts, I always did).

Well, maybe a couple of years ago I cut him out of my life for good. I had a baby and he didn't even acknowledge her. He only cares about him, cocaine, and alcohol. For my well-being, I wanted him out of my life forever, his parents included. His parents told me I was no longer a part of their family anyways, because I married a man from Mexico and had a "******* spic" baby (we weren't married when my first child was conceived by the way) Sorry for the blunt comment. My father went along with them.

Here comes my mother, a couple of days ago to my house telling me "Your dad has been telling me to tell you and your sister to call him, that he would like to talk to you both." My mom and dad live in the same town and he saw her a couple of times to tell her this info. Well, of course my sister and I are like "h$ll no." There was a reason we cut him out of our lives and that's that. My mother PROCEEDS to tell me, "Sometimes, you just need to do that right thing." She had that smart @ss tone too with this comment.

Made me so angry and I am still angry.

ETA: Oh yea, not too long ago she was telling us we are adults and we can make our own decisions, so someone tell me how this goes along "doing the right thing"

Ugh.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by TiredMama

My mother PROCEEDS to tell me, "Sometimes, you just need to do that right thing."

I completely agree with her.

The right thing is to do what is best for you and your sister.

[hippyhippy]

Parental guilt trips are hell. Try to believe in yourself, you are doing the right thing by you and your sister. Having a blood tie with someone does not mean that we have to respect or love them. That has to be earned.
Hippy

[TiredMama]

Thanks all. I think in my heart and mind the right thing to do is to keep myself away from him. I don't want my kids around him or exposed to him.

That was my intentions and my mother knew this. Her change of heart has baffled me.

[adore79]

Argh those guilt trips our parents put us through eh? It sounds like you have taken the right steps to put your kids and yourself out of harms way. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. *hugs*

[nandm]

My experience with an abusive father, pedophile, is this. My parents are still married. My mother has been told by of what happened and still chose to stay with him. I could not handle living near them. I currently live over 2000 miles away. I am in contact via email with my mother. I basically have no contact with my father. That is one reason I do not contact my mother via phone, I don't want to have to deal with him answering the phone.

Here are my thoughts on it.
* I don't owe him anything.
* I am responsible for my physical and emotional safety.
When I deal with him my emotional safety is at risk, as I am no longer a vulnerable child my physical safety is no longer at risk.
* Sometimes the next right thing is self care.
* I am not responsible for someone elses happiness. I can not make them happy nor can I make them sad.

[PaperDolls]

Lot's of good responses here.

The right thing to do is what ever you feel comfortable with. Period.

I wonder if your mother's change of heart had anything to do with her own guilt?

[TiredMama]

Originally Posted by nandm

My experience with an abusive father, pedophile, is this. My parents are still married. My mother has been told by of what happened and still chose to stay with him. I could not handle living near them. I currently live over 2000 miles away. I am in contact via email with my mother. I basically have no contact with my father. That is one reason I do not contact my mother via phone, I don't want to have to deal with him answering the phone.

Here are my thoughts on it.
* I don't owe him anything.
* I am responsible for my physical and emotional safety.
When I deal with him my emotional safety is at risk, as I am no longer a vulnerable child my physical safety is no longer at risk.
* Sometimes the next right thing is self care.
* I am not responsible for someone elses happiness. I can not make them happy nor can I make them sad.

You hit the nail on the head here.

I can't be responsible for him. I mean, I feel I put myself at risk even speaking to him, in person or not. Every time I would hear his voice or even read an email, I wanted to down a bottle of opiates or slice open my leg. That sounds strange, but it is the truth.

[TiredMama]

Originally Posted by PaperDolls

Lot's of good responses here.

The right thing to do is what ever you feel comfortable with. Period.

I wonder if your mother's change of heart had anything to do with her own guilt?

Good question. I am contemplating bringing this back up when I speak with her but I know her answer. She will tell me that is the "christian" thing to do, to reconcile and forgive him.

Sure. I forgave him. I don't dwell on him. I don't even think about him. But how dare she tell me what to do and open up old wounds.

She is the one that lived with him and chose to stay with him almost all of life instead of leaving. Letting him beat her and such. I don't have to have this same destiny.

[TiredMama]

Originally Posted by felly79

Argh those guilt trips our parents put us through eh? It sounds like you have taken the right steps to put your kids and yourself out of harms way. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. *hugs*

Thanks. I don't intend on him having any sort of relationship with my kids, husband, anybody in my family. I will not have his toxic personality and ways poison my family or open any of my wounds.

[historyteach]

Originally Posted by pedagogue

I completely agree with her.

The right thing is to do what is best for you and your sister.

I couldn't have said it better myself.
Take care of yourself and know that you have much support here.

Shalom!

[barb dwyer]

YOu *are* doing the right thing. YOu have been all along.

The only 'righter' thing to do is change your phone number ... or move.

There is noting 'wrong' with standing your ground.

Good for you!

[TiredMama]

barb you wouldn't believe it but I have changed my number 3 times in two years because he has gotten it. Crazy eh?

I will sure change it again if he gets it again, and again, and so on.


Others-- when my mom said the "right thing" she meant for me to call him and talk to him. She didn't mean the "right thing" as in keeping on with my life of avoidance of him.