falling apart....again

[shutterbug]

i know, i know, feel free to ignore this post as it's just me and my same old crap.

Even tho so many wonderful things in my life seem to be, at times, going in such awsomely positive directions......i'm still me, i'm still bipolar and it still SUCKS!

Once again i'm having thoughts of suicide and am, once again, voicing it to others. So far i've said something to my therapist, sister and addict. Therapist was only one who seemed to take it serious or half-way understand.

I've been hypomanic most the weekend.....and boardering on full-blown manic. I just drove back into town from sis's and it's 4 a.m.....because i stopped at the casino for a 2nd time today, but this time was a 5-hour stop, costing me at least $250....which leaves me only about $150-100 to get me thru the next 2 weeks. And i jsut pulled a 48-hour cutoff notice out of the mailbox for my gas (although i'm pretty sure i can just all and set up pymt arrangments and things will be fine).

Oh...and i just e-mailed my boss to tell him i woudln't be coming into work today...(now it's actually 5 a.m. and i have yet to sleep, and only got about 4-5 hours yesterday and 3-4 the day before, etc.....)

I hate that i'm going to miss a day of work like this, but if i try to go in to work with how i am doing right now.....i'll only end up worse for having pushed myself so much rather than trying to take care of myself.

Anyway....i don't know how to explain it other than that..... i feel like my life is coming apart at the seams; i'm not doing well, yadda, yadda.

sleep good....me go sleep now,
Jenna

p.s. i'm so out of it i don't know if any of this makes sense and i am slightly fearing that whatever i'm going through right now....might end up leading to some from of psychosis. I've never dealt with that and i think it's more a fear than eve a posoible reality. i don't know.

[best]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

sleep good....me go sleep now,
Jenna

I am sure that will help you much.

Rest well and wake feeling like a new person.

Sweet dreams.

[hippyhippy]

Hey hun!

I hope you awake feeling somewhat better than when you went to sleep.

Thinking of you.
Hippy

[shutterbug]

Thanks guys.

Well it's 4-5 hours later and i'm wide awake and still hypomanic or something. Typically, when i'm hypo i have a hard time even recognizing it (until the giant crash comes following), but this is different. I feel wired, yet my body still feels fatigued for the most part.

I said it at least once after my 2 round of ECT treatments....that i feared they had somehow 'switched' me from being bipolar II (mostly depressive) to being bipolar I (mostly manic), but this feels like I'm actually lost in the middle somewhere!

For the first time, i actually FEEL like i'm heading toward insanity or that i'm already in it and there's worse to come.

I don't know what to do.
I mean, i just saw my therapist Thursday and i don't trust him to know what he's doing anyway so i don't know that going back right now would benefit me at all.
And my body is basically without a mood stablizer - and has been for too long (not my purposeful doing though) - and no one can fix that, only time can now with getting the Lamictal in my system over the next 4-6 weeks.

I'm also so very disappointed because of the art piece i did Friday night that i was SO excited about and what it could mean for my future (in that it was the beginning of me taking a new direction) ...and i've got hardly any positive responses on it.

I'm broken.

Jenna

[hippyhippy]

Oh jenna hun (((hugs))))

I have felt that way thinking I am in insanity or heading in a collision course towards it. I have also felt I was stuck in the middle of the two as I have been desperately depressed but speeding all over the place. Usually when my meds are all over the place too. Do you not take any 'calm me down med' when you are feeling like this? I take quetiapine, I am sure you have said you can't take this. Before this I took Chlorpromazine. Stinks like hell, as anti psychotics are getting a bad press here in Uk, but it is the drug of my concoction that I actually feel is doing something for me.
Are you possibly rapid cycling or having mixed episodes just now as you seem so down, yet so hyper? This is what I have put my depressed yet speeding episodes down too.

I am sure your art piece is great hun. Fri to Mon is not such a long time to expect positive feedback. Don't be disheartened.

Hippy
xx

[grateful2b]

Jenna.....I am BP11 so my heart really aches for you....I am wondering why you are not on a mood stabilizer...I don't know much about Lamactil..does it replace a mood stabilizer? I hope you get some relief soon and wishing you good feedback on your art piece.........hugs and prayers for you........

[nandm]

Grateful, yes Lamictal is used as a mood stabilizer. It is what I am currently taking as the other mood stabilizers I took either zoned me out or caused massive weight gain. Both were things I could not tolerate....lol

[shutterbug]

I'm not totally sure why i haven't been on a regular mood stabalizer....as the clinical amnesia leaves giant holes in my memory of the past 6 months, but:

While in day treatment, my sucky pdoc there put me on Abilify and i was told it was a mood stabailizer. It wasn't working and i quickly learned on my own that it is only sometimes used off-label as a mood stabalizer by some docs. I told her that was bull to do that to me....as i don't want to be someones guinea pig. I don't remember what we did, but i think that was when she told me Topamax was a mood stabalizer and started me on a very small dose of that.

Topamax also is only used off-label as a mood stabalizer!
However, soon after was when i insisted on having the ECT treatments and while in the hospital and going throught the treatments (several weeks, like 4-6 or something)....i was too fuzzy and stupid from the shock treatments to have even questioned anything at all really. And yes, shock treatments make you "stupid" for several weeks - for lack of a better word to use.

Once out of the hospital and back to work....i was handed scripts to fill myself and resume my own self care and daily taking of meds. I struggled at first to even take them and eventually questioned what the Topamax was all about since i new NOTHING about it except that i was taking it. That was a week or 2 ago.

Hippy -- you may be right about me being in a mixed episode, but i'm just not use to feeling this wired and up....so i haven't a clue. It's all just weirdness to me.

I haven't heard of those meds you mentioned. But i recently stopped smoking...about 3 months ago now...and i think that has a ton to do with my super-high, out of control anxiety. To the point that.....i hate it, but I've decided to go buy a pack to have on hand for my really bad moments like lastnight and this morning. All i can do is pray i won't go back to daily smoking, but i guess it's a risk i have to make.

anyway, coffee and cigs...here i come.

[historyteach]

(((Jenna)))

I'm so sorry...

I don't know what to tell you. I just wish you felt better.
And you know the cigs aren't gonna help, so through them right out!!!
My thoughts and prayers are with you. :

Shalom!

[StayinAlive]

So sorry ShutterBug, i wish there was something i could do. Your a tuff girl, i think i would have got some knock me out meds for this bad swing till the lamotrigine kicks in fully. Just know that you can live through this and it will get better. But don't let it go to far, go to the hospital if you have too, you Have to sleep!

Hugs

[shutterbug]

Thanks everyone.

i just noticed the clock said 12:12 a.m. - the time i now associate with recovery since i googled it recently and got mostly sights for recovery and all about the 12-steps.

I was able to get some organizing and healthy things re-started today since i didn't go into work. I lit prayer candles for the first time in months...one for my nephews, one for Tena/Liveweyerd, one for my addict, one i prayed over for my depression and another i prayed over for my co-dependency/torment/lonelyness issues.

It felt nice...they are still burning.

I also turned my water-light bubbler back on that sits near my computer. And i also found some of my relaxing bed-time music cds.

crazy codie confessions: The addict called from rehab last night, but only spoke to me for maybe 2 minutes. He called friday once, but i'd been away from my phone. So this was the first time i'd talked to him since the day i dropped him off there...Tues or Wed. And of course he said he'd call today and didn't.

He actually asked how "I" was doing, but even tho i told him not good and suicidal he didn't "hear" me....as his next statement was if his friend had met me after work to get the pain pills he left in my car for her. I told him no....i'd thrown them out the window and didn't care if he was upset about or not...that i refuse to do anything remotely illegal like that. I was very stern about it all with him on the phone.

So then that's when he said he had to go and would call today. A typical thing for him to suddenly have to hang up when he doesn't like what i say or how i react. Only today did it even dawn on me that the pain meds probably weren't even his....and therefore the question of "how did he come to have them anyway" came to mind. Answer: most likely stolen from another person who trusted him too much in their presence.

i hate him. i really hope God's plan for my life includes a move....i'm ready now to get the heck outta dodge! That's the only way i'll be able to shake my codie self from this evil person. Sure he's in rehab....but it's like he said on the phone last night....he's loving it. It's peaceful and he can just relax, i.e. he's off the streets and basically being taken care of for an entire month. At the moment, i think he'll go right back to it and i want nothing to do with any of it....but i'm weak, lonely, depressed and love-starved...so not answering his calls are nearly impossible for me right now.

------

I think i'm going to actually be able to sleep well tonight. I hope.

love,
Jenna

[nandm]

I am sorry you are having such a struggle right now. I wish there was some wonderful words of wisdom and experience I could share with you to help but wisdom and I aren't on the same page lately.

It must be such a struggle between wanting someone in your life yet knowing that they are a using jerk. I have been in similiar places what I found when looking back at those relationships is that even while in them I was still lonely and alone.

I am glad to read that you are doing some self care. Even things that seem small wind up having a big effect in the long run. Take care and keep us posted.

[shutterbug]

Thanks Nandm, i know you are struggling right along with me in your life right now. Both of us are suicidally depressed and stressed to the max. not good combos. I think you also wrote that you took a day away from classes and things even telling your prof you were "sick" so you could tend to some self care. Me too. I e-mailed my boss at 5 a.m. and tried my best to explain i was "sick".

Really, i know he's professional and intelligent enough that he knows that if i'm calling in sick then i'm sick. end of story boss v. employee wise. but he also knows of my mental illness b/c i haven't been able to hide it so i explained i needed to attempt some self care in hopes that i don't end up in the hospital for a week or more instead....that i know he understood since i've only been back a short time from a total of 3-months spent in and out of hospital settings and on disability leave from work.

The problem was.....initially convincing myself that what i was dealing with this weekend and this morning was absolutely no different than if i was physically ill. Sick is sick and the kind of sickness makes no difference...we still have to stop and rest and put limits on ourselves and do what we can to nurse ourselves toward health. Just wish i didn't have to convince my own self of that so much. I'm so bad about pushing through no matter how awful i feel and even when so horribly ill i'm throwing up at work....i handle it and then try to push on as best i can....i've had keep going like that most my life so it's hard to "allow" myself to be sick in the regard of missing work, etc.

Nan....my heart goes out to you tonight because i know the measure of your struggle is too much for any person to have to bare. I wish somehow that if i have to suffer like this through my life...that i could so no one else had to.

And it continues to eat at me that people like you and i feel so completely alone and lost when life turns this black.....and yet SO many others are out there going through it just the same. How ironic it seems to me. We ought to start our own village....BP II Town! We could then help each other survive.

hugs,
Jenna

[nandm]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

And it continues to eat at me that people like you and i feel so completely alone and lost when life turns this black.....and yet SO many others are out there going through it just the same. How ironic it seems to me. We ought to start our own village....BP II Town! We could then help each other survive.

hugs,
Jenna

Now there's a plan.......BP Town.....only those who can handle the roller coaster ride allowed.....:rof

I think the closest we will probably get to one though is right here. But I am thankful for here as the support, strength, and experience I see here helps me walk through the tough times. Just a bunch of kindred spirits struggling through this life.

[StayinAlive]

BPII town

[nandm]

Ok BP Town is open and runnning.


Sometimes in life it is a matter of "Ask and you shall receive".

Now none of us have to feel alone :ghug

[liveweyerd]

Jenna, there must be so many photo submissions, please keep trying with that photo, I am so convinced! I swear when you described it, I saw National Geographic! So let's light a candle for a discerning eye be led to it!

Your head may be a-spin but your talent is not!

England...are you natters? My passport is expired! LMAO

Take all your wires and ground them to support! And those loose ends, wrap round and round and tie them in a knot for a box in the closet, as they confuse and tangle into a mess of no end, right in with the connected ones, until there's a pile indistinguishable, mixed up so large Salvador Dali could not convieve it.

love,
tena

[barb dwyer]

{{{{{{{{Jenna}}}}}}}

I haven't been here long enough to know what to say but I know what it's like to be hooked up with a jerk.

so

{{{{{{{{ have another hugg }}}}}}}}}}}

that much I unnnerstann.

[nandm]

Did you know that this place existed? If so is it a good support group?

There are also a number of national organizations that can provide you with immediate support at the local level, including the National Depressive and Manic Depressive Association, which has about 250 support groups across America. You may reach them at (312) 642-0049. There may also be state and local government agencies that can provide help. Look under listings for Mental Heath Agencies, as well as Mayor's Hotlines in your phone book. Even though you may not personally know the people who work for these organizations, they are dedicated to helping people like you and can give you the support you need!

I found it in today's meditation---facing lifes challenges

[shutterbug]

doesn't ring a bell.

The 2 I know of to be legit and helpful have been NAMI and DBSA. I've been to local support group meetings a few times, but i have to travel quite a ways. They were very good groups IMO. I still plan to eventually attend others and get involved in local volunteer efforts, etc....especially NAMI. I just don't have the energy or drive right now.

[shutterbug]

NAMI = National Alliance of Mental Illness, NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

DBSA = Depression/Bipolar Support Alliance, or something similar with a new twist i think, www.dbsalliance.org

Jenna

[nandm]

Thanks. I appreciate the info. It is nice having you around. You are a great source of information. Hope you are feeling a little better today.

[shutterbug]

Instead of journaling much tonight i chose to rent and watch a movie thinking it would help. i don't think it did. i cried and it left me hurting over the addict.

today was a bad day.
today actually turned out to be the day i thought yesterday was going to be.
i crashed during my sleep last night and woke late for work and physcially depressed to go along with the mental depression.

i pushed through and even pushed myself to go above and beyond what i had to do (probably b/c i fear my boss will eventually get tired having an employee who is ill all the time and i feel a need to remind everyone why i'm such a valuable employee to have around). i made it through the day...guess that's what matters.

suicidal. seems to be a contagious thing. i actually told my therapist thursday i was a little jealous of our family friend for having gone thru with it and therefore being free from his earthly torment. And i told her that i've often felt that this is such hell on earth that if suicide is the ultimate sin and i do end up in hell then it can't be much worse than this. I don't want to get into that whole debate with anyone about any of that....it's just been a recurring thought for me when i'm suicidal.

anyway, i have a therapy appointment tomorrow with my usual therapist's recommended person - since mine just had a major surgery. i'm heading closer and closer to needing hospitalized again. i'm scared and i'm angry about that.

oh well...gotta go put myself to bed now.

Jenna

[shutterbug]

I also wrote letter to the addict earlier.
Who knows if i'll ever actually give it to him, but figured i'd post it anyway since feeling used and broken-hearted has a little to do with my current state of depression i think.

----

K,

This is goodbye. You have no right to my life. You have no right to judge me, nor do you have a right to take another thing from me regardless of how small.

The only reason I've continued allowing you to hold a piece of me hostage is because of my giant heart, difficulties saying no and being so love starved and hopeful.

I am suicidal. I told you that when you actually called the other night and actually asked how i was, but instead of any concern for me or my safety you next asked if i'd carried out the illegal transfer of a narcotic to your addicted 'friend' as you'd tried to force me to do. I gave you no opening to chastise me for throwing them out, but disappointed in my actions you were and so then you had to go.

It is only one interaction, but it mirrors every interaction i've had with you from the moment you first caught me in your clutches.

Blame your actions on the drugs all you wish. I'm sure you'd have behaved differently around me if not for them, but most likely the difference would be you would never have sought to enter my life to begin with. No one else has.

The reality is this, regardless of cause, that you are broken, you are destructive to everything you touch in my life and others, you are lost and you are unworthy of trust and my respect.

You have no right to the life i've struggled to build for myself - and all by myself for the most part.
You have no right to lie to me a single time more.
You have no right to disappoint my heart that aches so painfully enough already.
You have no right to respond to me once more with "so what" for what you've done
You have no right to me.
Period.

i decided a long time ago i would not pour myself out for someone to whom i remained an option or thing to be used.

Just knowing you has cost me thousands of dollars and lots of lost sleep, but more than that it has cost me some very important and critical pieces of myself.

You are a vulture.
I will no longer allow myself to be your prey.
You can put on your kitten suit whenever you like, but I will always know what is underneath and laying in wait for another moment of weakness.

Not your 'wife', girlfriend, friend, victim or motel any longer,
Jennifer

[StayinAlive]

Hang in there Jenna, sleep well

maybe there will be blue skies tomorrow YouTube - jimmy cliff - i can see clearly now