I just need to post...

[DaVinci2]

Things were going kind of OK for a while. My mother in law was taken off Paxil and started to become less depressive and more mindful of her daughter (My wife), but it almost seems as though she KNOWS exactly when to not act normal, and to do things she's NOT suppose to do. Today is valentines day and my wife cooked me a nice meal (In Japan, the girl does everything for the boy, romance wise, and next month on the 14th it's called white day and it's the opposite). Anyways, things were going well until my MIL started to complain about something, she wasn't feeling well etc. I am sympathetic to her feelings, however, I've told her in the past that unless she's in a state where she needs our attention (As in she's feeling the urge to go to the hospital) or even close to that, that she should approach us...but to NOT do it for attention, which is "Oh, I don't feel so well, I feel a bit dizzy...but no, I'll be fine." At this point my wife gets angry, unable to help since it's really only attention that's being sought. It's like a wave with her...I tell her in a very nice way that 3 of us live in this place, and that we all need to make certain sacrifices. My wife can't be there to take care of her every wish, just like she can't be there for everything I wish we could do. She also needs her own time...then my MIL agrees...and for a while all goes well, but then like a wave, it slowly rolls down until CRASH, something like tonight. And it always happens on days when something important is happening.

No, I can't put her in a home. I can't afford nursing. There's no real help for seniors in Japan. I have to live with it. AND, as harsh is this might sound, right now our life (That of mine and my wife) is on hold until she dies. It's mentally exhausting on many levels. I don't want her to die, but I'm anchored to her until she does. I know my wife feels the same way, but she won't put it into words...neither of us has, as it is not something we wish for. But at least I put it in writing, which has taken some of the stress off the current situation.

[shutterbug]

sorry, but i've got to shake the tree a bit....

is it possible....that your MIL was just feeling REALLY lonely and alone ...and more depressed because it was valentine's and she didn't have anyone to be with?

and...is it really all that bad that she's wanting a little attention? i'm sorry to not sympothize very much, but by her saying..."I'm really not feeling very well....but i think i'll be okay," or something similar.....is that really all that horrible?

i mean, i do sympothize with the fact that you are forced to take care of a senior family member rather than be able to utilize a nursing home, but from the way i read the above post it didn't come across to me like the MIL did anything except say how she was feeling. In fact, i'm only in my 30s and i say similar things ALL the time! Do i say it for attentiont? Quite possibly, but my personality is one of "if i think it...i speak it". And i also think...well, i also suppose that if i were to pass out in a few hours from now or they find me dead the next morning.....then at least i verbalized that i wasn't quite feeling well. Why that makes me feel okay about verbalizing my thoughts about things like that.....i haven't a clue actually, i just do for some reason.

oh well.......sorry for not being very helpful or anything. Best wishes.

hugs,
Jenna

[DaVinci2]

Valentines isn't part of her culture. She's Japanese, and valentines is something she has never celebrated even when she was married. Although she had no one to celebrate with, she did get chocolates from me. When she needs attention, she simply has to walk into the kitchen or living room and talk. She doesn't. If more attention is what she needs, we've suggested on many many occasions that she call friends. Her answer "No. I don't want to bother them." We put her in a program that takes seniors to a recreational center to do all sorts of activities with people her age (Paid for by the local government)...she went once and said she didn't like it and refused to go again. She never gave us a reason for not liking it. Everything is there for her to take, to make life easier for her. She does the opposite and makes life harder for everyone.

As for her saying "I feel sick, but I'll be OK." is not OK. It's like crying wolf. She says it to get attention, but then when she really needs help, or she really is sick, we're not sure how to handle it. If she's feeling sick, and she wants some help or medicine or advice, then that's fine. But she says it JUST to get attention...and more often than not, it's right when my wife is about to sit and eat after a long day at work, go out (To a meeting with friends), or do something else. It doesn't happen when she's watching TV or reading a book or relaxing around the house...

[barb dwyer]

Hy DaV -

I'd stop all action in the house ... and gently tell her the first part of that paragraph:

Valentines isn't part of her culture. She's Japanese, and valentines is something she has never celebrated even when she was married. Although she had no one to celebrate with, she did get chocolates from me. When she needs attention, she simply has to walk into the kitchen or living room and talk. She doesn't. If more attention is what she needs, we've suggested on many many occasions that she call friends. Her answer "No. I don't want to bother them." We put her in a program that takes seniors to a recreational center to do all sorts of activities with people her age (Paid for by the local government)...she went once and said she didn't like it and refused to go again. She never gave us a reason for not liking it. Everything is there for her to take, to make life easier for her

My cousin is Japanese. as the man of the house, outsider or not - I know you know the protocol for the talk. Then tell her this is your night to court your wife, and this is not appropriate social behavior for her tongiht... as it *is* a matter of reaffirming courtship.
*sly smile*
then tomorrow - maybe take her to dinner - without her daughter.

JMO