Now What?

[Easeful]

Our son is a recently diagnosed bi-polar. He had a major paranoid schizophrenic episode over the Christmas break (he's 20) and was hospitalized 1,000 miles from home.

Since then we've been playing catch up. His meds have been changed 4 times since Dec. 22. We tried to have him return to school with a much reduced load, 12 hours of very easy courses.

This week he's thrown in the towel on school. We've brought him home. We've made appointments for more detailed evaluations. He's unable to do his school work. He's unable to work a job. He can't focus. He can't organize. You get the idea.

But he can muster the faculties to form an argument to convince his Dad buy him a new game system to "help" him get through this. So now he's playing video games. From where I sit this has been all he's wanted to do for the last 10 years and now he's gotten a green light from the "medical community".

I'm new to all this. I get that he doesn't feel like doing anything, but I can't believe that letting him veg out in front of a tv until the Dr.'s find the right combo of meds is really a good idea? Any thoughts?

[historyteach]

I don't think that he should veg out for unlimited hours playing games.
He should be required to do what he's capable of doing. But, I cannot determine what that is. An illness, mental or physical, is not an excuse for sloth.

I would discuss this with the doctors and come to an agreement about what he can and cannot do. He will have to care for himself one day. Enabling him will not help him.

Wishing you all the best. I know this is difficult.

Shalom!

[barb dwyer]

Hi Easeful, welcome to SR ...

The only thing that comes to mind is - be careful of being dragged into the 'good cop - bad cop' scenario in differening with what your husband has chosen to provide your son.

Video games can be useful in focusing a mind that cannot focus on its own ... something about the visual stimulus ... I oughta know - I'm an artist - not everyone is, however. Video games give that same .. I dunno ... 'push' that we don't seem to have naturally chemically ....

on the OTHER hand - video games are also yet another means of evasion. Of dodging the reality of day to day living that we run from so quickly. Or get overwhelmed by so often.

It's not for me to know ... it's your living room.

JMO about the 'good cop bad cop' thing, though.

Maybe speak with your husband, then the doc - and work together to present a united front for your son's support?

[stone]

Having had a major psychotic breakdown myself I think he must be scared to death and finding yourself unable to cope in the real world is very demoralising too.
Yes, it's probably not the healthiest thing to do-to hide indoors playing video games-but he probably DOES feel like hiding for a while.

[reader]

Hi & Welcome to Sr~ As a person who has struggled with bipolar disorder and as a step parent to a now 34 year old son with this disorder I understand all to well how hard it is. At least your son is taken his meds. as directed that is half the battle. As others have already said the perfect fit takes time. I could fill a sheet of paper with what I have been on since I have been diagnosed. As far as the games go I think some boundaries are only fair for everyone's sake. I would call a family meeting and maybe make a list of weekly things that need to get done , After that they could be divided equally. He needs to contribute and feel helpful. Many areas have support groups or mental health associations. Some have centers that are open certain days of the week and members can drop in for coffee and visit in a casual nonjudgmental environment. Even taking a walk with him to get him out is a big help. Holing up in the house is always bad for me and leads to more depression. Keep posting and take care of yourself too...

[newsandi]

Easeful, I am in the same boat as you are. My son was just released from the hosptial Tuesday and I know that he is overmedicated but I will keep him on everything until his appt. I responded to you on my overmedicated thread on the med he is on and what your thoughts are. Since my son has been home, I went out and bought him a xbox to give him something to do with his time so he wasnt pacing the floors. I try to get him out of the house once in awhile. It is hard to get them to do anything when they dont want to. I just tell myself that I have to take it day by day and let the medicine get in his system longer and then he will get back to wanting to do more. He stays at his grandparents house and we make sure if he does take a nap, it can be no longer then a couple hours. He gets angry when we wake him up but the nurses at the hospital told me not to let him sleep all the time. Easier said then done. Hang in there, post to me anytime. I am right there with you. My son is 18 and he is not in school. He was working toward his GED and I am hoping he completes that in the next few months. It is sure tough to be a mother with children with this problem. Day by day is my way of coping.

[pedagogue]

There have been some good suggestions so far (family meeting, etc). It may take a bit to find a combination of meds that offers the stability needed to get back to a more steady daily life.

I think it is important to share your concerns and let him know that you are there to work with him, but he needs to pull his own weight....whether that is helping around the house with cleaning, making a meal, etc. A full/part-time job may be difficult until he stabilizes a bit, but playing video games 24/7 isn't realistic either. I think providing a safe place to talk about your concerns is important, as he probably has a lot of emotions about this. It may also be helpful to do things as a family, whether that is dinner as a fam, maybe a nightly walk (not sure the weather where you are), but *something* that doesn't allow the isolation of video games.

Best of luck.

ps. The sleep thing is really common. Part of it is meds, part of it tends to be avoidance. Maybe not 7:00am, but 11:00am probably isn't healthy either.

[stone]

Originally Posted by pedagogue

but he needs to pull his own weight....whether that is helping around the house with cleaning, making a meal, etc. A full/part-time job may be difficult until he stabilizes a bit, but playing video games 24/7 isn't realistic either.

OK, do you even understand what it is like to be so crazy that you think the TV is talking to you and that your friends and parents are all involved in a crazy plot to kill you?
That is what being mentally ill is like.

Pulling 'his own weight'?

You have no idea how bad his mental problems might be, dont you think you should leave it to his doctors to judge how well he is?

[TiredMama]

I agree with Stone. Being hospitalized for bipolar disorder myself wasn't an easy thing. I medically withdrew from school and couldn't even function for the longest time.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by stone

OK, do you even understand what it is like to be so crazy that you think the TV is talking to you and that your friends and parents are all involved in a crazy plot to kill you?
That is what being mentally ill is like.

Pulling 'his own weight'?

You have no idea how bad his mental problems might be, dont you think you should leave it to his doctors to judge how well he is?

Severity is obviously going to effect his ability to function, that's a given. I was making my comments based on Easeful's description of his situation. His ability to reason and formulate a successful argument for a gaming system, and then to play the games for an extended period of time suggests he may be capable of doing some basic things to help out.

[stone]

That's a given. And you do not know.

So, cos he wanted an Xbox means he could do more?

He can work an Xbox, so he can work a broom?

[stone]

Really , beacause he can ask for an Xbox, means he is a waster?

[stone]

Because the loonie has enough sense to ask for something, lets condemn him for asking

[TiredMama]

Maybe if easeful approached him with ideas for other activities he might be interested. I know I would have been interested if only my mother would have been more concerned for me. She pretty much let it go.

[stone]

I am going to leave this now,

i notice how the mothers say how clever their sons where, I was super clever too,

their let down is palpable. 'he was so clever'...he let me down..is implied...

[pedagogue]

I'm just suggesting trying to engage in something that isn't as isolating as playing a video game. Sometimes people need the opportunity to do something for themselves....for them to do something for themselves. Obviously no one here knows the situation, but it seems that letting him stay disengaged doesn't seem like an ideal situation.

[stone]

So, let him. Who are you to judge his fitness?

[Easeful]

>He should be required to do what he's capable of doing. But, I cannot determine what that is. An illness, mental or physical, is not an excuse for sloth.

I would discuss this with the doctors and come to an agreement about what he can and cannot do. He will have to care for himself one day. Enabling him will not help him.
<

Thanks History, Those were pretty much my thoughts. Unfortunately, I've been treating him like a drug addict in terms of refusing to enable his behavior for the last 6 months. Turns out it wasn't drugs. So now my previous "hands off" attitude is seeming like it was too tough and too cold.

[Easeful]

>He gets angry when we wake him up but the nurses at the hospital told me not to let him sleep all the time.<

This gave me my first smile of the day. Not funny haha, but funny ironic. I got fewer instructions when I brought my son home from the hospital after his breakdown than I did bringing him home as a newborn. lol And I think we all can remember how woefully unprepared we were for bringing that first baby home, least I was.

[Easeful]

>OK, do you even understand what it is like to be so crazy that you think the TV is talking to you and that your friends and parents are all involved in a crazy plot to kill you?
That is what being mentally ill is like.

Pulling 'his own weight'?

You have no idea how bad his mental problems might be, dont you think you should leave it to his doctors to judge how well he is?<

I guess this wasn't directed at me, but you've hit on a key issue. No, I have no clue what it's like to believe the tv is speaking to you. It is beyond my comprehension how anyone could be that far removed from the reality in which I live. Unfortunately however, I am the still standing, responsible adult and it has fallen to me to take care of someone that I absolutely can not understand. And to make the matter a little more difficult, my son has never wanted to pull his own weight so I have no clue what is illness and what is laziness.

[historyteach]

Stone,

With due respect, being arguementative is not helpful.
It's not helpful to easeful's situation one iota. I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

Ped is a welcome member, who gives of his time and his experience. He does not deserve to be attacked. Not any more than you do.

Personal attacks will not be tolerated.

Please do feel free to share your own experience, strength and hope. We will all benefit from it. And the sharing of your ESH will always be welcome.

Remember, when we keep it in an *I* statement, it's a share. When we start with the "you" statements, it's normally time to watch out...we may be crossing a boundary...

Shalom!

[Easeful]

>i notice how the mothers say how clever their sons where, I was super clever too,

their let down is palpable. 'he was so clever'...he let me down..is implied...<

It sounds like this might be hurtful to you...... to feel like your illness is dismissed as "letting Mom down." I don't know your Mom, but if she's like me she's not feeling let down.....

My son wasn't "clever." My son was brilliant, with his entire future wide open in front of him. Until last week he was a sophomore at a major university, on a half ride academic scholarship, with a 3.71 gpa. In high school he was active in church, an Eagle Scout, captain of the debate team and a state and national debate champion. By the age of 18 he had tranveled extensively on 5 continents, 2 of them unaccompanied by his parents.

Today? He has trouble following the instructions necessary to open a package of crackers.

Me let down? Not exactly. But I am terrified beyond all rational thought.

The child I've poured such enormous effort and resources into for the last 20 years is looking like he may never be self sustaining. I'm an older parent. Who's going to take care of him when I'm gone? How and where am I going to find the people who can put him back together again? How am I going to afford them when I find them?

[pedagogue]

I'd like to bring up the idea again of trying to find some local support. There should be both individual and group services available to help at low or no cost. It is *really* important to take care of yourself, so then you can better take care of your son when he needs it. Though it seems overwhelming now, I know many people and families who have been able to get their lives back under control. There are many places to find emotional/medical/psychological support: medical/heath, community organizations/support groups, friends/family, clergy/rabbi/other, etc.

[historyteach]

That's a really good idea!

A community mental health center offers individual and group therapy sessions on a sliding scale. They can be quite good, too! And the groups are multi dimentional. There are different types of groups offered, is what I mean. Art therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, anxiety therapy, even smoke cessation therapy. Look into one near you and see what's offered. It may be a G*D send -- for you and for him!

I wish you the best of luck...

Shalom!

[Easeful]

>I'd like to bring up the idea again of trying to find some local support.<

Thanks, my husband and I are planning to attend our first NAMI meeting on Thurs. night. (not what I expected for Valentines, but here we are) It's a speaker's meeting and the topic does not yet apply to us (trade schools, etc) but we're hoping to meet other people in the area and to get recommendations for other sources of help.

And I've set up an appt. for our son on Thurs. morning with a new group that offers a wider variety of services than the one he's been seeing.