Do I seem "different" since I've been back?

[shutterbug]

This is for those of you who knew me before I left for the ECT treatments....

-->I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I'm harder now...
-->I feel like my thoughts and opinions don't seem to make as much sense now as they use to,
:puppetyet i don't usually notice at the time...
-->I feel like ....well....like a witchy person at times and grumpy about things i use to not be.
-->I don't feel as creative or talented as i was before in my work.
-->My gambling issues have definetly gotten much worse. I haven't been since last weekend, but last weekend i gambled away about $500 that i didn't have to lose! I mean, before...$40-$60 was typical and only a few times have I ever gambled away over $100. A week later and I'm still sick about it...that's more than my rent!!
-->My posts have OBVIOUSLY grown in usual length. I mean, there were tons of times before when i wrote really long posts in my journal and in other peeps threads, but now it seems nearly EVERY time!

This is me asking for TOTALY HONESTY in what any of you have noticed about me since i've been back?? Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I'd much rather hear something from you guys than others....and the sooner the better so I can work of fixing things.

Thanks

Jenna

[nandm]

I only came to SR a month or so before you left. But from what I see your posts don't seem different. I don't see your current replies as negative. Nor do I see your posts that way. You have a lot going on in your life that can come out sideways. Maybe that is part of the gambling right now, the stress showing up in your life.

By the way I am glad you are back. I appreciate your input.

[cinderellawkids]

I ahven t really noticed, but you just described me as Im going into a manic stage. You said the depression is last could they have switched you into a different phase?

[historyteach]

Jenna,
I don't see you as hard at all.
The only *possible* thing I see is an obsession over the jerk who screwed you over.
This is not meant to be hard, and I'm sorry if it seems so to you. I would *never* knowingly try to hurt you...and I hope you know that by now...
I simply dispise what the jerk did to you...
And hate seeing you hurt by him.

And I did see you try to figure it out, via another member. Unfortunately, he is not your theif, so, I don't think it works that way. We can't switch the attributes or the justifications of peopls around, much as we like.

And we cannot -- EVER -- trust an active addict.
Please believe that.

Have you read the post, "What addicts do" on the naranon forum?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)
This is what honesty in an addict looks like, Jenna.
I'm sorry...

Continue to take care of yourself, and know that we care...

Shalom, my friend...shalom!

[splendra]

I think sometimes we go thru different phases. I see differences in your energy patterns. The more important question is have you noticed any differences in yourself? Do you think any differences may relate to the ECT? Are you aware of the side fxs if any of ECT?

I tell ya I really don't like what I see in folks who have ECT. I think it is hurtful to the CNS(central nervous system). It does seem like people who have had ECT seem to feel flat. Maybe it's a good thing in that it helps people to not feel so much I don't know.

I think everybody needs a massage and to eat right, meditate, have fun, do what we love but it doesn't always happen even for people who know they need to do these things(I speak for myself here too).

[PaperDolls]

I haven't noticed you acting differently. I agree especially with what Teach had to say here. I hate what that guy did to you.

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by cinderellawkids

I ahven t really noticed, but you just described me as Im going into a manic stage. You said the depression is last could they have switched you into a different phase?

Cinderella, that's actually a very good point. Thanks for telling me that b/c the first week i was home I had several days were my head was spinning and i was having a faster, crazier flight-of-ideas thing going on than i've ever experienced. I actually was scared that they may have caused me to start heading more toward the mania now than i ever have before.

So thanks. i will definetly keep this in mind!

[shutterbug]

Thank you Teach!!!
I know what you said is not meant to be hard and I didn't take it that way. I know I'm obsessing about him and i know that everything you said is very right.

I have been wanting to find a thread like that to read....since I knew there had to be one around here somewhere!!!! I'd already planned to be asleep by now so unfortunately I'll have to wait until tomorrow to read it (I'm trying really hard the last couple of days to start setting limits for myself and actually sticking to them....difficult tho)

Thanks for your loving words!!!!

[shutterbug]

Splendra, I have noticed some differences in myself, but i was also told to expect some things to change for a while (like the short-term memory problems and mental cloudiness, but that those things would get better as the weeks and months go by....and they are).

I guess for me.....I was thinking WAY too much about suicide for the first time in my life. I mean, for real suicide. I've said it before and it's not just something I say, but that I mean....and that is that I will never "attempt" suicide, I will simply end it and that will be all.

So.....those thoughts of suicide scared me enough to send me running, not walking, to the ECT doctor.

I would REALLY have liked to have spent a great amount of time researching ECT, but that just wasn't possible, even tho that is completely unlike me not to read all about it first.

Although.....I definetly disagree with it making me at least feel flat. I do not in the least. I have actually laughed more in the past 2 weeks than probably several months combined (which now that i add in what Cinderella mentioned.....that may not be such a good thing, but I still look at it like at least i'm not wanting to stand in front of a train or anything. Right?)

Someday I hope to get to talk to others who have had ECT. And soon i plan to start finding some reading materials on it if i can.

Thanks for all your input!!!!

I'll keep ya posted on anything i figure out or anything!

[shutterbug]

Thanks to you too PaperDolls....I feel bad that I keep talking about it so much as I know it's annoying to others, but i also wouldn't be true to myself if i didn't talk about the real crap that's on my mind....an unfortunately it's usually him as of late. Sorry....hopefully i'll get tired of hearing my own obsessive thinking sooner rather than later.