getting through the lows

[hippyhippy]

I am not suicidal at present but I am that awful way where I just can't be bothered to do anything. Living is an absolute battle. This morning for example, I persuaded my little un to watch videos for a while so I could have more time in bed. When I eventually got up, it is just so hard to do the things I have to do, like get the kids their breakfast. I look around my house and it is an absolute state but I am going to do nothing about it. I would spend all day in my pj's if I thought I could manage it but I have to go and see my mother this afternoon and pretend that I am fine. Even that is proving a struggle just now and I feel so bad for letting her see I am not good at present as she herself is ill.

How do I keep on going and summon up the energy to get through another day and another and another of the same monotonous lack of desire to actually live, not just suvive? How do I find it in me to do stuff like other people like housework, interact with my kids, washing, showering...the list is endless. How do people do it without slipping back further down the road? How do I manage to move on from here? It just seems such a bleak road ahead of me to think I will go on like this forever more. My shrink seems to think it is ok as long as I am not suicidal but I can't contiinue with this gnawing depression without getting back to being suicidal.

Hippy

[barb dwyer]

{{{hippy}}}

wow.

what an honest post. thank you for that.

I thnk the worst part of depression is the having to pretend we're okay ...
when we're just ... not.

It compounds the lie.

*prayers*

[historyteach]

((Hippy))

It's hard, I know...
Try doing something for you; just for you. Something that is positive and healthy; that will give you a reason to smile or feel just a bit better about yourself.

Then, make yourself a list of what needs to be done. A list really helps, because, you can see progress as you check it off. Even if the progress is slow going, it still is progress, right?

I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly... Please do try to take care of yourself each day, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It makes a difference for me. I know it will for you, even as I recognize how difficult it is to do...

Keep posting. We care...

Shalom!

[caraway]

Hi hippy, you've described just how I felt when my children were young (and for much of my life) and that tremendous effort of trying to look ok when leaving the house. These days I feel much better, not sure entirely why but I'm sure the prozac I'm taking really helps me keep going. I wish I could help you but the best thing I can think of suggesting is to try and get some anti d's that work for you. (I don't think prozac was around when my children were young and I once got some antidepressants that made me feel even heavier. I remember going to bed and when I got up, my legs gave way beneath me! I was scared, I just couldn't function at all so I flushed the rest down the toilet!).

Just try and keep going, I'll be thinking of you.

[nandm]

I have been experiencing something very similiar lately. Here is something that helped me somewhat. I hope it does you too.

January 23

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Like many people in personal turmoil, she rose late, didn't dress other than to cloak herself in her dressing gown, and she fell asleep easily throughout the day."
----Carol Bly

Getting in Motion

When you're depressed, grieving, or feeling "under the weather," you may want to withdraw from all activity. You just stay in bed or curl up on the living room couch. You let the phone ring. You ignore obligations. But, as John Ciardi says, "The day will happen whether or not you get up." So it's important to get involved in the day rather than wish it away.

There are things you can do when you feel a lack of motivation, though. You can eat healthfully, for starters. But stay away from sweets and snack foods, and get the basic protien, vitamins, and minerals into your body. With proper nourishment --- even from one good, balanced meal a day --- you can aquire more energy and clearer thinking.

Second, take a shower or bath so you can feel clean on the outside, even if you feel muddy on the inside. Brush your teeth. Comb your hair. Shave or put on makeup, even if you're not going out. Wear clean clothes. Such simple grooming rituals can become an important element in helping restore your dignity and self-esteem.

Finally, get in motion! Physical activity is an extremely important part of recovery from depression. Exercise keeps the muscles toned, the blood moving, and pumps oxygen to the brain for sharper concentration. You don't have to run a marathon or pump sharper concentration. Simply take a walk. Walk to the store, to the park, or even just around your apartment complex or yard. Walk at least ten minutes every day, and you'll be taking the necessary steps to help you feel better.

I let motion override my mental paralysis so I participate in today.

(Facing Life's Challenges)

[zoolu58]

I think what helped me was bottoming out. I felt so bad that all I wanted to do was die. After a stay at the hospital for attempted suicide, I saw that people loved me. I need to be around for them. Meds work to a point. Eliminating stress and asking for help works too.

[GailJ]

Hey Hippy, glad to see your still with us. I havn't been on in a while but am doing better.
I know how you feel about the house being in a state (as mine is right now)and just wanting to stay in bed. It took me a long time to get out of that state. One day at a time and trying to think of little jobs you can handle rather than the whole house as one job helps. Even if that is just to shower and have a good breakfast with the kids. I would work 15minutes and rest 30 to begin with in getting back into life at first. It helped. I lengthened the work time as I progressed and started to feel better. Yes the eating healthy is sooooo vital too. High protien, high vit B12 in your diet, not too much caffiene, drink juice and water instead and carry a box of healthy cereal to snack on when your stomach is really upset and pasta's lots of pasta(easy to digest and healthy for you too).
Are you finally on a set of meds you can stick with and that are working for you. It does take time, up to four months to feel the full benefits and start feeling better. Are you reading anything positive or on any self esteem websites they can help too. There are a few good ones out there.

Every day is a new day Hippy, think today I can manage this and such and only do what you can handle. Be kind and patient with yourself as I always say but trully I mean it, you have accepted your illness, now time to stop beating yourself up over the past and being angry at what you havn't been able to do, the past is the past and you can't change it, concentrate on today, even if it's only an hour at a time. You deserve to be happy and healthy, for you first then the kids and hubby and mom, but for you first.

It's so hard to turn that negative thinking around, it's a pattern of habits and took years to develop, but it can be done. Keep a log of anything you do, thats positive and beneficial to you. It's your log, not for anyone else. Try to add one good thing you do for yourself and no one else, each day to your log, try not to include anything negative or sorrowfull in your log, only good things that you do for yourself . Start with five on day one if you can. It to help you to concentrate on the good things in life. It will help you to start feeling better and if your feeling better about yourself others will notice and be more positive too. Rereading your log at the end of the day will help too. Big hugs hippy.

[hippyhippy]

Thanx for replies folks,
I have taken on board some of the suggestions but my mood seems to be taking a bit of an upturn anyway. Damned mood swings, never know what the heck I am going to be! Shrink spoke today about upping my stabiliser but is holding off for another week as there had been improvement since I saw him a fortnight ago.

Gail so nice to see you and so nice to hear you doing well. You always come out with some sound advice and seem to know me so well. I am trying to do the 'five point plan' but finding it hard to be honest.
However, I have a nurse coming to the house to counsel me and advise me on matters of my mental health. She comes once a week and is really quite challenging which for me is a good thing. She will set me tasks to do that are designed to improve my mental health and I put the immediate blockage in her way saying "I can't do that because......" and really there is no reason, I am just afraid to get out of my boxed thinking. So she all but called me 'obstructive' .........who me???????? But that is what I need, someone who is not afraid to say what they think with me. It is kind of like having a personal mental trainer. Not that she will be around for long, NHS funds never go on forever and I am maybe just lucky with who I have. In UK, a lot of people hate the input from psychiatric nurses.

Zoolu, I kind of bottomed out too and I just got so afraid that the middle ground I was in was me on the way back down rather than on the way back up. I think it is up.

Nadm, Caraway, Teach, Barb. Thanks all I have had two days of feeling 'ok' and I think there might be more ahead. There may be more down ones too but I am going to try to not let that cloud what light I have.

Hippy
xxxx

[barb dwyer]

good to hear from ya, Hippy!

[shutterbug]

Hippy, you've helped me with this thread so thank you and thank you and thank you.

Nandm is very right, but when i'm fatigued (for whatever reason) I find it SO hard to do any of those things to any different degree than what I'm already doing at the time.

I have a sort of "theory" about us bipolars. The way I look at it is this....when I'm up (whether a little up or a bunch) then it's like my "normal human" energy supply is being used up faster than what it should be if I was operating on a "level" energy level. Soooooooooo.....at some point things have to run out. Right?! I mean....a marathon runner can't expect to keep running for every and never stop to eat, drink, or sleep. Right?!

So then what happens? Well, then my theory is that we start going into a type of "hybernation". I actually get a mental image of bears hybernating in the winter time. When we run out of energy, because we've used it up too fast by being hypo-manic or manic, then our bodies don't have anything left to operate on and they start slowing and shutting down to "re-charge."

Does that make sense?
So....I look at it like this: when i don't feel like doing anything then I try to take things as easy as possible on myself until I get through this "down" time (same way I'm doing now, although I think my current fatigue is from this cold or flu rather than depression). I'm not saying that I LIKE having to slow down or deal with this crap. I don't! I'm just saying this is how I often choose to look at my down times....as my hybernation time that I don't have any control over....only nature can control it.

What I can do tho....is use my "up" times to try my best to figure out how to keep myself as "level" as possible so that I don't bottom out (or bottom out as badly) into a hybernation period.

NOW.....all that said.......I COULD BE TOTALLY FULL OF CRAP AND IT COULD ALL BE RUBISH!! That's my warning/reminder that it's all just theory.



I DO however totally agree with HistoryTeach about making lists. It's the #1 thing I believe helps me keep a handle on my life. Not only are list visual reminders of what i HAVE accomplished in a hour or day or whatever.....they also help me prioritize what is important and necessary. That's a big issue for me. I have so much trouble prioritizing my life and my chores and things. I tend to just go-with-the-flow when i don't make a list and stick to it. Then I feel unproductive.

Anyway....i'm VERY glad to hear you are feeling better at the moment and I hope it keeps up.

lov and hugs,
Jen

[shutterbug]

And yes....you described how I often feel too. I think nearly everyone who struggles with real depression feels that way from time-to-time. It's what depression is.

[zoolu58]

Some days are better than others depending on the stress level, you know those triggers like kids and things we have to do. It's hard now to even remember that place. I have scars on my neck to remind me of how stupid that was.