Bipolar/Depression Journal V - 2008

[shutterbug]

It's the middle of the night and I drank too much Dr. Pepper this evening to be able to sleep well and so it finally hit me a moment ago that I should start a new journal....seeing as how it's the beginning of a new year anyway and seeing as how I also just got out of the hospital where I spent more than 2 weeks having ECT treatments for the first time in my life.

So yep....I've been rolled into the OR...been put to sleep and had my brain shocked 12 different times over the past several weeks in an attempt to rid myself of this 3rd major depressive episode I've been battling with.

It's been an experience....let me tell ya!

I'm scheduled to have my 13th shock threatment this Friday, but in talking with my mother last night I have decided that I do not want to go through with another one right now. My ECT doctor told me that it normally takes 6-8 treatments to see any results and that's fine and dandy, but 12 treatments has affected me more than I was prepared for. See....I knew that the treatments would affect my short-term memory, but I was not prepared to have has much difficulties as I am experiencing. And I think I would have been okay if I would have only had 8 treatments or so, but I've had to have 12 because after my first 6..... my ECT doc went on vacation for two weeks....so when he came back it was necessary for me to start back from the beginning!

I have yet to express to him that I am not happy about this. I mean....it totally baffles me as to why he didn't simply wait until AFTER his vacation before he began my treatments???????????????? Because now I've already had more total treatments than I should have needed in order to rid myself of the depression.

AND the problem with have more treatments than medically necessary is that each one has caused me to loose short-term memory functioning and I constantly feel like all the words I'm trying to think of are on the tip of my tongue and I just can't ever think of them! It's the most annoyingly frustraiting thing!

And today was my 2nd day back at work after being off for 6 weeks....and let's just say that it is a DARN good thing that I typed up password instructions and other things for freelancers filling in for me while I was gone because NOW I need my own instructions!!! And they are still not enough!!! Which is the part that sucks because I keep having to ask my co-workers questions about our computer system that I should easily already know the answers to.

One good thing about me having been in the mental hospital for more than 2 weeks is that they slapped a new nicotine patch on me each day....and while I didn't think that it would keep me from smoking once I got out of the hospital.....it has!!!!! I lit one up after I'd gotten home that first night and it tasted SO bad that I quickly put it out and haven't lit one since....which has been 4 days now. So I'm SOOOOOOOO happy about that!!!! Although, tonight at work....it was quite a difficult day and I kept have urges to go take a break from my desk. My boss told me that was the hardest part he had about quitting too....he kept wanting to "go" for a "breather" so he said he learned to start walking "really" slowly back to his office during certain times of the day. So....I guess I'll learn to get past it too.

Oh....another reason why I've decided to call my ECT doc and cancel my 13th treatment is because today and yesterday I started noticing some very new and very manic-type mental patterns going on that were quite disturbing to me. I did not like, enjoy or handle them well at all....and all told they happened about 3 times today. NO MORE of those thanks!!!!!!

Still haven't "officially" gotten the paperwork for my HR Director for me to "officially" suppose to be back working....because my doctor and the hospital are all goofballs who don't care much about stuff like "medical discharge papers".

And I'm suppose to get the title in the morning to the cheap car I'm buying ....actually, I was suppose to have gotten it today, but they guy I'm buying it from supposedly had to be in school all day or something very suspicious like. It had my mom flipping out and making me flip out.....and ended with me calling the cops and telling them I suspected the car I was buying used was a stolen car. And had them telling me that the name on the title was NOT the name of the guy who was selling me the car....and had us further flipping out when that guy wouldn't call us back or answer his phone when my mom tried calling him. BUT, finally.....he did call my mom back and is suppose to call me in the morning to finalize the title transfer and all of that....so that made my mom happy. But let me tell you!!!! It made for a VERY stressful day for me today!!!!!

Oh....and the dental place that I owe $3,000 to and which is the only reason why I even have any money to buy a used car with anyway....well....THEY called me today too to ask when I'd be paying them their money. Good Grief. I think what I'll do is mail them a check for $1,500 this week so that I will know for sure that it got paid to them and that I don't actidentally spend it over time or anything. And then pay them back the other half as soon as I can come up with it.

My hopes are that.....the police will quite being ninnies....and will find MY real car. Then, when that happens...I can re-sell this cheapie thing and get the money back out of it. That's my hope.

Well, I've been up for an hour now and I think I'm finally sleepy enough to fall back a sleep.

Thank all of you who ever stop by to say hi. SR wouldn't be SR if it wasn't for each one of you!!!
:ghug

[cinderellawkids]

What has your insurance company does about your car? The police should have atleast filed a report, if not keep on them, with a filed report your insurance company should give you the money for a replacement car (If you had comprehensive coverage)

[shutterbug]

yeah they filed a report I believe, but now that you mention it....I need to go down there and ask for a copy of it. yeah....that would be a good idea.

Unfortunetely, I only had liability coverage for my insurance. Full coverage is SO expensive to carry so I dropped it to liability as soon as I could. Darn it.

[PaperDolls]

I'm SO glad you've started a new thread. I was thinking about you last night while I should have been sleeping, wondering how you were doing. Now I know.

Despite your struggles right now, I have to say you should great.

Boy, I'd be pissed at the doc too. Tell 'em what you think.

I'm so proud of you on the smoking! It's so hard but so worth it. I remember you talking about asmtha and stuff so I know it's so important for you to quit.

Love ya!
Peace and Hugs.

[Dr. Snow]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

It's the middle of the night and I drank too much Dr. Pepper...

AND the problem with have more treatments than medically necessary is that each one has caused me to loose short-term memory functioning and I constantly feel like all the words I'm trying to think of are on the tip of my tongue and I just can't ever think of them! It's the most annoyingly frustraiting thing!

Hey, Shutterbug, it's good to have you back!

How much caffeine are you drinking each day? The reason I ask is because I found an interesting article yesterday that links caffeine to the "tip-of-the-tongue" experiences you describe. I don't doubt that most of these can be attributed to your ECT treatments, but caffeine might be making it worse.

I drank 5 liters of caffeinated soft drinks in one day a couple of days ago. I've never had that much caffeine in one day before and I don't think I'll do it again! I could hardly concentrate long enough to read one sentence and couldn't remember what I read when I did. I regularly drink too much caffeine and frequently have those "tip-of-the-tongue" moments.

I suspect that this problem is more evident in bipolars. Almost every bipolar site I've been to recommends limiting caffeine or avoiding it altogether--I'm sure you're aware of this already. I think caffeine might be beneficial for combating depression, but is definitely not good for mania/hypomania. I also suspect that BP2 rapid-cyclers, in particular, have a tough time kicking the caffeine habit, which would explain why I haven't been able to do it yet.

Anyway, here's the 2004 article about the small study. There's still some debate about the results. It's notable that the experiment was conducted with a relatively small amount of caffeine: 200 mg. I'd like to see a larger study on this, and one that compares normies to bipolars.

BBC NEWS | Health | A coffee can make you forgetful

Take care...

[historyteach]

Hey, Jenna!
You do sound GREAT!
And I'm so happy for you that you were able to quit smoking!!! Please don't pick up one; it leads to the next 10,000 +

Keep up the good work. Yes, do talk to that doc. He very well should have waited, unless there is a medical reason we are unaware of. But, then again, why couldn't someone else have continued them till you had the 8 and then stopped? You deserve answers, here.

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

PaperDolls....if you ever feel comfortable doing so I'd love to know what part of the Midwest you are in.

Dr. Snow....I was taking in a lot more caffeine before my medical vacation than I am now. I didn't get much caffeine at all while I was inpatient in the hospital so any that I drink now affects me a great deal more than it did before. I agree with everything you mentioned though. I can totally see how a bipolar who struggles mostly with mania would have a harder time with caffeine than those of us who struggle mostly with depression and lack of energy.

That is something I hadn't thought of though is how much stronger the caffeine would be affecting me now than before when I was more use to drinking it all the time....so thanks for bringing that up. I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of that....because my favorite drink to get each day is the largest sized cup of expresso at the nearby coffee shop....and I usually have them ADD and EXTRA shot of expresso!! So if I do that, then it's a little much when I had a 32 ounce Dr. Pepper to that later....and then even later get a 20 ounce Mt. Dew from the vending machine.

Yeah.....I guess I'm consuming just a little too much caffeine each day. Darn it!



HistoryTeach....Everyone keeps telling me that every where I go! Even my pdoc I went to see today ...who was the one I had to BEG for the referrel to the ECT doctor ...he kept going on and on and on about how good I looked and how great I sounded and about how right now is a very special time for me to make sure and enjoy in my life right now. I told him that I called and canceled #13 and I thought he would immediately tell me he agreed with that decision, but instead he told me "to keep an open mind" because he said I might want to undergo #13 sometime within the next month. He said it is not uncommon for ECT patients to continue them on average...about once a month.

To be honest....the whole "once a month" thing scares me. I don't want get myself "conditioned" to being shocked once a month for the rest of my life in order to stay happy. No, no, no!!

Anyway, my pdoc also weighed me and pointed out that I've lost a little bit of weight too. He seemed throughly thrilled to see me today.

That has been something that has been pleasantly surprising to me.......people from all different aspects of my life seem so smiley about me being back and that makes me smiley! I would have never imagined I would had have such positive feedback!! It just makes me smile inside and out! I mean, especially seeing as how the last time I took a medical leave from work (4+ years ago)....it resulted in a VERY bad experience for me that ended with my desk being cleaned out FOR me. So this is so opposite of that experience that I'm not quite sure how to let it all sink in that no one is trying to fire me or anything.

Oh and I have NO plans on picking up another cigerette, but today I had some difficult cravings again. BUT I keep reminding myself exactly of what you mention....that one real smoke leads to a MILLION more!! That's certianly what happened to me 10 years ago when I started smoking.....so I know that the fact that I have made it since Friday without a smoke or a new nicotine patch.....that means that I can keep on keeping on! Yippee!! I hate cigerettes!! And so do my lungs!!


:P
:}

Jenna

[shutterbug]

well I spent most of my evening refreshing my memory about mania so I wanted to leave the link here in my journal to where I posted about it http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...lar-mania.html (Bipolar/Mania)

[tw33k]

Good to hear from you. I really enjoyed reading ur stuff. You have a talent that u need to unleash. Not only will it bring you release it will show the world what you're capable of.
I too have suffered from bi-polar for a long time and I am currently writing a novel which I'll eventually turn into a screenplay and make a movie out of.
Use your talents. Bi-polar people are geniuses. We just need to focus our energy into one thing and go for it. Look at all the famous actors, singers poets who suffer/suffered from this illness. We need an outlet. Please find yours. Don't waste your potential

[shutterbug]

Thanks tw33k, and don't worry.

I work as a photographer/graphic designer and i wrote as a reporter for 3 years before that. The dining room of my small rent house is my "library" in that each wall is full of books (half about bipolar/mental illness/codie issues/addictions and the other half about photography - well actually it's probably closer to 75 % psych books and only 25% art books).

I've been actively (tho unorganizingly) working toward my first bipolar/psych book for the past several years and even have a few photography books in mind too. In fact, earlier this evening when i was doing some of my own "for fun" photo work all night....I started thinking about sitting down and coming up with a type of schedule for myself to work on putting the book together in a more organized and timely fashion than i've been doing. I was thinking that it would be a good idea to come up with a list of monthly/yearly goals for myself and my writing efforts.

So.....thanks for making those thoughts "stick" more in my mind this evening!

And again, Welcome.

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

so much to write about and so much going through my head since Friday evening....i don't know where to start, especially since i shouldn't be on here anyway since i've only slept about 9-10 hours total in the past 3 days.

Friday evening I went searching for my car (the one that had been stolen on 12/26/07 by my supposed new boyfriend and which the local police's attitude and even one's exact words was "just let sleeping dogs lay"). Anyway I FOUND IT!!!!!!! I was driving around and on my cell talking to my mom when i was about to give up and go home when THERE IT WAS!!! And get this....it was parked just 7 stinking blocks straight north of my house!!!

My mom didn't believe me that i'd really found it and kept asking me over and over if it really had my tag and my car's specific features and all that. And i was just as shocked as she was too! I mean, after all, I'd just purchased myself an old junker 6 days prior so i'd be able to work and all!

Anyway, I called the cops to meet me there in case he saw me taking my car back and tried to cause problems. Cops didn't even really give a crap or even want to wait there long enough to make sure i was able to get into my car and drive off safely.

I immediately had to figure out a way to go back to the spot and retrieve my new clunker so a friend drove from her town to come pick me up at my house and help me go get the car i'd left there. That was friday. I still have yet to start driving it again b/c he still has my keys to it and there's no way i'm risking him taking it again.

So i'm still driving the clunker that burns oil and guzzles gas.

The other problem: He also has the keys to my house too and so before I left for the weekend (because i didn't feel safe staying here alone then) we rigged some ways to know if he'd been here any time while i was gone. And he was!!! No doubt about it that he was in here this weekend ...i'm just not exactly sure why or what all he took.

It's another reason why i barely slept last night even though I've barracaded (sp?) the door, which i've also done again tonight in a way that i think it'd take an Army to get through. Yet i'm still nervous.

Why? Well....I called him again tonight, which is nothing new b/c i've been ringing his phone off the hook for the past month to try and get him to give me my car back. Only tonight....i had no real reason other than to see if he'd tell me what he was doing in my house this weekend and what did he take.

To my total surprise he actually called me back right off the bat, but didn't say anything and hung up. I immediately called again and he answered while screaming nearly at the top of his lungs like to make himself sound different than himself. Soon he yelled, "Who is this?" In which I yelled back, "Umm, Jen! Hello! Who do you think it is!"

Then everything suddenly changed. He then said very sweetly, "I know it's you Baby. What's up?" I told him not to call me "Baby" and he continued doing it anyway and kept asking me why. I said, "Why do you think!"

Anyway, I started grilling him about why he came in here this weekend and why he'd stolen my car and not brought it back and all that. He didn't like that and said, "You just want to argue. If that's it then stop calling me, but if you want me to come over and be with you then i'll be there in a flash."

I started sarcastically cracking up laughing and said, "You must really think i'm stupid! I've been calling you for a month and you wouldn't answer or bring my car back, but NOW that I've taken my car back all the sudden you want to come over and be with me!!!???!!!" (more laughing at him followed) He said he had been having problems then, but when i asked about now he said now too....still. (i.e. having problems = being addicted to cocaine.)

Anyway, this is what I figured out:
-->I had my car back (which I found to have a backpack full of his girlfriends stuff).
-->He thought I'd bite the bait he was throwing me and he'd be able to steal my car again.
-->And he was really hoping that he also be able to steal my camera since he knows it's worth more than my car (by at least double and is easy to carry away over his shoulder.
--> He said, "I'd never come in your house without your permission," which he somehow thought i'd believe and then got mad at me for again laughing at that and telling him how rediculous that was of him to say. After all, i pointed out to him, he had no problem taking and keeping my car for the past month or having emptied my checking account shortly before that!
--> He said I needed to come get my keys from him so that I will stop accusing him of coming into my house when i'm away. Again i laughed. Much louder that time i think and said, "MAN!!!! You really DO think i'm an idiot!!! Dude you could have had 20 copies of each key made!"

I don't remember there being a whole lot much more said before he hung up for the last time after telling me to stop calling him and that he wished he had some way to block my number so i couldn't call him anymore."

My mom spent a lot of time on the phone today calling to see how much it would cost to get the locks at my house changed and how much it would be to change them on my car. It's going to be a bunch to have them changed on my house because it's an historical home and there are all kinds of rules and regulations so his handy-man charges him a lot to do them. And there are 4 in all.

As for the car, basically everyone she called to ask said they couldn't change them at all and that I'd have to go to the dealership to get it done. She called them and it's a $400 job just to re-key the lock on the trunk....and all together it'd cost about $700.

So for now...i don't feel safe in my home or safe in my own car of 4-5 years now NOR even in the new clunker b/c if i lock it then it's like pulling teeth to try and get it unlocked again....so i basically have to keep my purse and all my camera gear at my side at all times.......EVEN just running in a gas station for 2 seconds to plop down $10 bucks just so i can put gas in the car.

2. I'm still upset about this thief being allowed to close down his checking account without any kind of waiting period to make sure he did't have any checks still out in the world that needed paid......like the one he wrote me to pay me back for what he stole out of my account.

I suppose the only good thing about not getting the $500 back is that at least now I can take the check to our district attorney's office and press charges againste him that way. I have high hopes that I can see to it that he gets put back in prison since he's currently on probation from the last several years I found out that he spent in there. So, I figure surely between him cleaning out my checking account, running off with my car for a month, and writing a large check he had no intition of paying.....not to mention his cocaine habit and also the fact that he probably sold off the university owned laptop that had been in the trunk of my car when he stole it (and probably to a pawn shop where I might can prove it if i get the serial number and if the pawn shop took down his info and driver's liscense and stuff).

I've got some work to do to make anything happen, but i don't want to be scared everywhere i go for the rest of my life and at least i've given him prior warning that i'm not just going to let all this crap he's done to me go!



so much more rolling/throbbing/ jumping around in my head, but some how some sleep has to come into my life or i don't see how continuing to live will remain an option. LOL!!

lov and hugs,
Jenna

P.S. I miss liveweyered. I hope she's saife and all is going well!

[historyteach]

I'm glad you found the car, Jenna!
Can you move out of your apartment? You won't have to pay for new locks there if so. ANd if you sell the clunker, that will pay for the new lock for your regular car anyway...

I know it's a pain, but, is it worth your peace of mind?

Try some sleep hygene. It helps me some....

Shalom!

[cinderellawkids]

Jenna,
Im sorry I dont quite understand why you cant get your door locks changed, but what about buying a new lock and knob for your bedroom door atleast and safely locking yourself and camera inside at night?
About the car, when my husband was off on a binge with my car and I found it and took off with other set of keys I purchased a club, the kind you put on your steering wheel. Then he couldnt even with the car keys drive it, and YES, he tried.
I dont know how much they are, Id like to mail mine to you since I dont use it anymore, I think I still know where the key is. Let me know.

[newsandi]

Jenna, Cant you get a pad lock and the thingy that you can screw on the door of your house with a pad lock. Not sure, just a suggestion. I am sorry you have to go thru this. Some guys just suck and he is a a##hole!!

[shutterbug]

newsandi,
A padlock or anything isn't possible because i live in a historic neighborhood/house and the city is VERY strict about keeping everything original.

All the doornobs and deadbolts have to be "original" styles and even installation has to be done to a specific manner. Luckily my parents are landlords also and own several older style houses in my home town....so they were able to bring several old-style doorknobs up here and actually got lucky in one of them turning out to be the EXACT same make/model/style as the one already on the door. And since my landlord is being a butthead about addressing my electric/lighting issues (i've only been using lamps for light in the whole house for over a week now b/c many lights sizzle and pop when i turn them on) they just went ahead and installed the different doorknob for me. They told me to tell my landlord that we know that there are rules about ALL the locks in the house using the same key and that we will put the original one back on the door when I move out ...and i'll be over to give him a copy of the key tomorrow. That was for the back door. We are leaving the front door the same b/c it has a chain lock (in addition to the regular deadbolt and doorknob) and I already keep the chain locked on the door at all times anyway and ....my parents figure that if this jerk is willing to break the chain on the door to gain access then he'd be just as willing to break a window too.

Anyway, I feel safe now.
And i talked to my landlord tonight and he called to tell me that his maintance guy will be over bright and early in the morning to install a new light fixture in my bedroom finally and that he'll take a look at the other house fixures and possibly check the attic for a safety check.

Cinder,
That's SO kind of you to offer! We've been talking about getting a club for the steering wheel....it's just that the part that worries me just as much is him having access to my trunk still. He could easily pop the trunk with the key, grab my $10,000 bag of camera gear and be off and running in only seconds!! So even my mom's suggestion of also installing a car alarm wouldn't do any good really.

------
This morning:
1. i woke with an extremely painful femanine itching situation going on (something I've dealt with since I was about 6);
2. and THEN my asthma flared up and i'd run out of my inhalor and so it quickly became a HUGE asthma attack and I drove to nearby stores to get a new one and was really pushing it WAY too close.....as i could barely walk from lack of oxygen and the first store was out so i had to go to another.....and since the clunker car doesn't lock i have to carry my 30-40 pound camera back in each store with me. SO i was really getting scared that i was about to have to call an ambulance, but i finally found and was able to purchase and start puffing on the right kind of inhalor.
3. Then the cashier didn't have enough change to give me b/c it was so early in the morning.
4. Then I drove a few blocks to get a cup of espresso and when i pulled out of the coffeshop parking lot, i got across the street and got out to find i had a totally flat tire.
5. Luckily, I had one call left on my AAA account and called them to come and change the flat for me.
6. But that put me missing my first appointment with my personal therapist that i'd had in about 2 months.
7. Then when the tire fixer guy got there I knocked over my $4 cup of espresso as i was getting out of the car!

All of that before 9:15 a.m.!!! And i'm usually still in bed at that time!!

8. To end the day....my personal car thief sent me a text message as i was leaving work for the day that said, "What's up?" I wrote back, "Why?" So he called me. He was trying to talk to me like nothing bad had ever happened and was asking me what i was up to and how my day'd been! I wasn't very responsive to him obviously and he said, "So I guess you're not going to take me back, huh?"
!!!!!
Can you believe that crap!!!??? After laughing at such non-sense, I think i said something like, "I'll tell you what. You pay me back the $550 you stole from me, give me back the laptop that was in the trunk of my car, get and hold a job AND most of all be able to pass a drug test 2 months from now and maybe we'll talk."

Really, I know that none of that will or even could happen. But i was curious to what he'd say. Then i started talking to him about the addiction to cocaine and trying to get him to explain it to me and tell me what he'd been doing in my house over the weekend and stuff like that.....and within a couple minutes he said he needs me to give him his shoes and clothes that were in my car when i stole it back from him. "I really need my shoes and stuff," he said.

That's when I started laughing again and pointed out how transparent he was being in even talking to me and asking me about getting back together with him. He said that wasn't why he'd called me tonight and started to say something, but then said the people's phone he was using needed it so he'd call me later. Um, yeah. Whatever. Anyway, it sounded like he had been about to say that he was wanting to get back with me because, "I want to have sex." I'm about 85 percent sure that's what it sounded like he was spitting out of his mouth when his friends picked up the phone. I mean, come on, seriously!!!???

First, why does he think I should give a crap about returning his shoes and clothes that was in MY car ...the car that he seemed to have no problem with taking from me and keeping from me for a month without giving a crap about how that affected me? And why would I give his cheap crap back when he still owes me $550 AND still has a professional laptop worth more than $2,000 that he says he doesn't have or know anything about that was in my trunk when he took my car???

Second, he must really be crazy if i'd have sex with the guy who did all that and is only even talking to me b/c he needs HIS stuff back and because he'd then be able to steal my car again and would probably figure a way to steal my camera bag too!!! Or that I'd just have sex with him to have sex! Or that I'd be so hard up as to have sex with someone I know doesn't give a rat's butt about!!!!!

Well, regardless....when i got off the phone with him I was holding back tears for the first time in WEEKS. I was actually experiencing a strong wave of depression which had been cured by not-so-simple measures.

Saddest part of all is that, regardless of what i know in my head, my heart secretly won't stop wishing that he WOULD get past this addiction and become that man i met in the hospital and give me and himself reason to believe he could and will stay that way....pressing only forward and never back. Because then, if i could believe that, then regardless of how much i hate admitting it, I'd marry him in a flash and i'd want to have a kid with him. I mean, it still bothers me that he became so unsettled the night after our time together he realized i'd gone and bought a "morning after pill' so as to make sure I didn't end up pregnant or anything. I mean, why would that bother him? And i really didn't get the feeling that was any kind of mind game or act by him....he was really hurt by it.

Anyway, my head is obviously still a mess over all this ....even though in reality i want nothing to do with him ever again...it's hard not to want to talk to him when he calls or will talk to me if i call him. Pure stupidity, i know and i wish i could chage it and totally hate him completely because i know as well as all you that he truely is an A$$.

More confessions to make another day....
I need sleep now....

[Hooner]

Shutter,

This is session 101 of dealing with cocaine addicts. Your story hit home with me regarding 3 people in my past. Same mode of operation. He's not unique. Get away and run fast. No second chances until they are clean and come to you once they are clean. When you're dealing with this level of addiction - it's scary and nothing is predictable.

I have much compassion for people and am often called "too nice." I suffer from alcoholism and know I screw up -- but this level of manipulation is only caused by cocaine/crack. And, it is manipulation. Stay away.

[cinderellawkids]

I ahve to say it may be wrong but Id have to get a copy of the police report and mail it to his parole officer. The jerk needs some consequences to his actions. Of course at this point he's probably already been violated but you never know

[shutterbug]

Thank you so much Hooner!! your post was the perfect words for me to read this morning!! Seriously! You validated my thoughts and feelings from the middle of the night last night when he started texted me and it really made me feel good to be validated.

Guys, everyone, i just want to tell you all that I am sorry and i feel bad for not being very attentive to anyone else or anything lately and for writing on and on about this ass-clown in my life and all. It's only that my brain seems stuck on it all and i'm finding it hard to concentrate or think about anything else.

Hopefully, i will be able to come around soon, but for now...i appologize.

----
I was right yesterday about him wanting sex. He texted me in the middle of the night, jolting me from slumber at 3:30 a.m. with a message that just said, "Let's meet". I wrote him back to tell him that i didn't have his clothes...that they were in my car, which was parked in an entirely different town for safe keeping from him.

The goober replied, "Whatcha doing?", so i wrote, "sleeping." His next message was written with only one word...."Sex."

I knew it! I wrote, "I'm no ho"
he said, "My freak"
I wrote, "Sex with you equals me getting ****** over."
he said, "Not so"
I went back to sleep and woke up 2 hours later so I wrote, "Where is my computer?"

I've heard nothing more from him...which is what i expected. I had the feeling that he was texting for 2 possible reasings. One possibility: He had no place to stay for the night and it was really cold last night and the sex would be a bonus if i'd fallen for his ploy. Or the second, and more likely possibilty being: He had plans to try and steal my camera gear away from me after i fell asleep. I think that was why it had also been in my house over the weekend...was in hopes that it would have been here...and also in thinking that his clothes might have been here too.

His text messaging made me sad last night and this morning, but i feel good about myself for not falling for anything he was trying yesterday evening or during the night. I mean....the thing i've wanted to desperately over the past bunches of years is a boyfriend....and yet yesterday evening i had a guy i feel wonderful around who was asking if i was going to get back with him and then later wanting to be with me. It was hard for me to not show or act on how close to home he was getting in his manipulation attempts....but i'm very proud of myself for staying strong despite my overwhelming desire to have some one wanting to be with me.

I mean, I let my ex-fiance live off of me ALL WHILE I WORKED TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH COLLEGE for years while he stayed at our house and smoked weed and later got into drinking. Don't get me wrong....he'd have the house spotless by the time i'd be home from work, but he was an addict and i couldn't stand that or how it made him act ....and kicking him out of my life was one of the hardest things i've ever done....which is why i broke up with him and kicked him out ALL the time, only to unfortunately become weak and take him back in. So at least i have those bad memories to tell me that NO WAY do i ever want to end up living with an addict again (especially one addicted to serious stuff loke cocaine), but i also don't want to ever have to push myself so hard to get someone out of my life who never belonged there in the first place.

So no.....this car theif definetly doesn't deserve anymore chances to destroy my life.

------
before i forget...i had a horrible day today, my electricity supposedly is fixed, and i feel like i'm falling apart all over again. Which is why i said something outloud this evening about possibly needing another shock treatment....and my editor with the most awsome sense of humor immiately responded, "Yeah, Ya might need a jump-start."

!!!!

I laughed so hard that i feel out of my chair and literally into the floor lauging and even wetting myself a little!

see...i'm falling asleaep ....must go shut eyes.

lov n hugs,
jenna

[nandm]

Shutterbug I am so glad to see you standing up for yourself to the user. You are right that you don't deserve to have people like that in your life and definately are better off without him. Keep up the good work.

[shutterbug]

i am so physically sick today that i called in sick....even tho that's the last thing i wanted to have to do after only barely returning from medical leave and after struggling the past two weeks to keep up as it is. But....i can't help it. Each morning it's been more and more of a struggle to get up and out of bed.

In the middle of the night last night i had go the bathroom and upon making it there i thought to myself, "i feel like a drunkard who's severly hung-over and yet still drunk at the same time."

Walking was sooooo difficult and my whole body hurt...and my balance is a little off too. Luckly, i'd gone to the doctor yesterday for a breathing treatment and she said i've most likely got a virus. Dispite anti-biotics not helping much for viruses....she gave me a script anyway and i've started on it this morning.

I keep thinking, "I wonder if this is what the flu feels like?" I mean, I've always been SO frightened of getting the flu b/c it often kills asthmatics and here i've been having trouble breathing all week and had one of the worst asthma attacks of my life Tuesday morning. I've known so many people who have gotten sick after getting a flu shot that I have refused it all my life. I've never had one (unless of course I had one as a kid that i don't know about).

Anyway, no matter what i do....it seems my chest still feels tight. The breathing treatment helped for several hours yesterday, but then it was right back to feeling as i did before the treatment. Which REALLY scares me because almost exactly 8 years ago, I had been fighting something that I remember feeling similar to this....and it landing me in the ER with my most severe asthma attack ever!! After 3 breathing treatments I was still not breathing well enough to be allowed to go home so they admitted me to the hospital for 4 days where I was given breathing treatments every 4 hours. Although, I was often begging for them after only 2.5-3 hours.

That was the only time I've ever been hospitalized in my life and it sucked even more because I was admitted on the night of the millinium (sp?), the eve of year 2000. I had even quit my job for it (and also so I didn't have to work Christmas night either). So having to watch the ball drop in NY on television from a hospital bed and only my mother there with me.....that was hard for a college-aged girl!

Anyway, I guess I'm just worried b/c i've already puffed my albuteral inhalor twice this hour, and puffed my combivent inhalor twice, and took the one-dose inhalation of my Advair inhalor, and puffed on my main inhalor (an over-the-counter one that doesn't automatically send me into a bad attack if i over-dose on the thing like my prescription one does)....puffed on it at least a handful of times in the past hour..........and yet my chest still feels tight. AND ALL THIS CRAP WITHOUT ME EVEN HAVING A CIGARETTE IN A MONTH!!! GOOD GRAVY!

So, if i disappear from SR for a week or two then it's most likely b/c i've landed in a hospital bed again with not being able to breath. And if i disappear for months and months, well then i'll be looking down on you all from heaven (if i'm let in there, of course).

As for now, i'm going to take it easy, sleep, watch a movie, eat, cuddle with my cat and stay warm....if at all possible. I'm sure i'll log back on laters to give an update.

Love and hugs,
Jenna

P.S. Cinderella, if i can figure out who is parole officer is then that is a wonderful idea! Thanks.

Nandm, Thanks for the support! And i've been meanting to tell you that I really like your signature quote. It's very beautiful.

[PaperDolls]

(((jenna)))

[cinderellawkids]

P.S. Cinderella, if i can figure out who is parole officer is then that is a wonderful idea! Thanks.

Most states show online the parolees and probationers. That will lead you to the office he reports into. Usually the receptionist will tell you which officer hes assigned to. Play dumb say I need to talk to my fiances po, state his name and when they give you name and go to transfer hang up, then send him/her letter. Or just address it to that office put regarding his name and itll get to the right person.

I hope you feel better. DO you have a nebulizer or something similar that helps?

[shutterbug]

Thanks Cinderella, I am feeling better today. I actually went to work, even though i was still filling rough, and started feeling better around 2 p.m. or so.

No nebulizer. I've asked docs to prescribe me breathing machines and such, but they are stupid and have said I don't need them often enough to need one at home. Whatever...the cost of one trip to the ER would pay for the thing! I keep telling myself i need to go see a lung specialist....something i should have done years ago, but i have yet to have gotten around to it. *sigh*

Thanks for the info. I've looked up all his info/background/charges on the state prison system and also on the court docket site, but didn't see a parole officer's name listed anywhere. There was a lot of information to go through, so i may have just overlooked it.

Although, now....I'm having a hard time wanting to go through with it. Stupid, i know - especially since as i'm sitting here typing this I am on edge from hearing noises around outside. I'm 95 % sure it's the wind and my neighbors also coming home, but I can't help feel nerveous.

So why am I having a hard time in wanting to see him go back to prison now? Two reasons I suppose. 1. My heart's still stuck on him unfortunately and 2. He called me again last night and even though it was a super quick conversation....I haven't been able to get it off my mind all day. He sounded so much like the man I met. He wanted to come over because he was hanging out at someone's house just around the corner and he wanted to see me. When I told him there was no way - that i can't trust him and I was very, very ill anyway. He asked if he could come take care of me. I told him there was no way I want him in my house and that he's already hurt me too many times. He softly said, "I know." We both said nothing for a moment and then he said, "But you do want to see me though." It was half a statement and half a question. I paused because a hugs part of me wanted to say yes and I didn't know what to say. Quickly, I came up with something and told him, "No. Not really. I can't afford to open myself up to being hurt again. Maybe if you're able to kick your addiction and stay clean for long enough for me to believe that - then maybe we can talk." He paused again and said even more softly, "Okay." He then took a deep breath and said, as his words turned quick, "If I can get my life together I'll give you a call. I love you. Bye." We both hung up.

Maybe it was emotional manipulation, but it felt real - and therefore he did a damn good job if it was. It felt like...he knows he's an addict, he didn't mean to hurt me, but that's how strong this drug is, he really wants to be with me and himself hopes not to hurt me again, but knows I'm very right to not let him have any part of my life, but that doesn't take away his feelings for me and hates that he's done this to himself??

I mean, just because he's an addict....does that mean he is no longer human and incapable of love does it???? Don't get me wrong here, I'm not letting him anywhere near me or my life....I just want to know if it's actually possible that he really could care about me?

Could it be possible that what that girl who knew him before told me was right in that he'd gone into the hospital to try to get away from his addiction? And couldn't it be possible that he truely developed the same kind of feelings for me that I developed for him in that short time we were together in the hospital....when he was definetly sober?? And that once he was out again, he quickly got weak again and swept back up into it all? I mean, it's not like I didn't make it tempting for him by handing him my debit card to take to pay for a cab ride and then simply giving him my pin # over the phone when he called asking for it for whatever reason that I can't remember. (I'm normally NOT THAT stupid....but the ECT had my thinking as clear as grape jelly at that time)

I mean....once I got out it didn't take me long to take my first puff of my friend's cigerette....even though I'm an asthmatic who's been badly wanting to quite!! And we all know cocaine is a MUCH stronger addiction!!!!

So....is it possible at all that he might actually love me? And still be so driven that he can't stop himself from doing those kinds of things to me b/c they help him get his drugs??

[Hooner]

Shutter,

STOP! Stop thinking that way. None of this is your fault - - he's going to manipulate you. Don't waste your brain on trying to figure it out.
I did it way too long. As I stated before -- this is typical MO (mode of operation). Same script, different person, different setting.

[shutterbug]

(((((Hooner)))))) Your words and your taking time to read my ramblings mean a tremendous amount to me. Knowing that someone else who's dealt with this crap is listening to me helps me feel so not alone in it all.

Would you mind telling me a little of what you went through? For how long? And why do you say it's the same MO? Do you truely believe it's not possible for him to actually give a crap about me?

Maybe all this wouldn't be so hard to let go of if I hadn't been so alone for over 4 years. To have the first person who shows any interest be someone who only did to use me ....that's just a hard thing to swallow ya know!

I'm not saying that he didn't end up using me and wouldn't continue if I let him.....I'm just struggling with wanting to believe that's the only thing it was about for him. As one of my girlfriend's (who's brother's a cocaine addict too and very recently gone to prison) put it so painfully to me last week...she said to me, "He saw you coming."

Those words are almost more cruel to me than his having taken the car and my money!

Tears now.....

I'm going to sleep.