Bipolar/Depression Journal V - 2008

[nandm]

Good to see you, Jenna.

I have been in a funk myself today....Hoping it won't last long but no sign of relief yet. Some days just suck..

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

You do have another poster coming, and a step-on trash can should be arriving.
Also the curtains for the living room and studio finally showed up as paid, so they will ship out.
I must phone you tonight! Hard to wait as I feel like phoning now! LOL

I decided to neaten things up today as I have let them slip the last couple of days.

I am waiting for Danny to feel better...it nearly killed him, the work moving his two boats here and I will bet the landlord is furious, so I won't go outside until Danny talks to him.
We had to go get the boats off the property of that "worst name you can think of" who gave away our utility trailer and everything on it.

That kind of person is a loser and a bum. You are not!

Thanks for the awsome trash can. It is already in use and MUCH nicer, sanitary and all-around better than the recycled, plastic shopping bags I'd been using! Thanks a million! You are too kind to me.

Hopefully you are both healing from the stress and caios of the situations with the boats and trailer.

p.s. stop worrying about calling me too early! If I'm asleep, I usually don't hear the phone anyway. I tried calling you again today, but a message came on saying the phone had been set up to to recieve any calls today or something. I hope everything is alright. If I don't get my unemployment checks in, tax refund, 401k OR the little bit of money from the whole 20 stocks i sold today (from my last newspaper, which...the stupid stocks dropped from $15 each, down to $12 each just in the past 2 weeks, and then, minus the administrative fees and stuffs...I'll only end up with about $240 bucks, but still, I need it to help me get my COBRA in affect...since I have to pay still $550 b/4 I'm 'officially' reinstated with my health coverage...blah)

p.s.s. dadgummed long p.s.'s of mine!

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by nandm

Good to see you, Jenna.

I have been in a funk myself today....Hoping it won't last long but no sign of relief yet. Some days just suck..

Hi Nandm, thanks for stopping in. I haven't had a chance to thank you for the VERY LOVELY housewarming gifts and card! It was a total surprise. And as I told Tena, both your package and her box were waiting for me on my porch one night when i came home and had been feeling very depressed about having to live in that house. So it was perfect timing and it felt like Christmas came 3 months early....and it was a better Christmas than I can remember since I was a kid!

Thank you for so much thoughtfulness and care. I appreciate it very much. And it would be awsome to come and visit you guys some day! I've always wanted to see your state as I've been shown pics and told about how lovely and beautiful it is.

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by nandm

Jenna, I hope you enjoyed your surprise yesterday.
Sending good thoughts and hope for better days ahead your way.

Live, thanks for your help with the surprise.

yes, i enjoyed it VERY much! Thank you both. Now Tena is going to help me figure out where to put them! Until she gets here, I think I'm going to hang the windchime over the front window. I'll get to look at it the most then.

hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Jenna:

DUH! The white with gold curtains will cover the dining room closet? Or maybe we empty it, paint it and put in shelves for display?
Yeah let's try to open up that closet and use it and put the curtains in the kitchen?????

Sounds good. I'm open to any and all of it. You're the designer

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

This is the second day in a row that Danny has asked to see you drawing of the layout.
It really disturbed him to the core when I told him about your dad and lunch money...he asked "Should we adopt her?" LMAO....I all ready call you my REAL sis.
Anyway I get a twinkle that he is looking at the layout.
I asked him if he was going to fix the propane leak and he said he thought he could do that!
Now that I know how damned long it takes parcel post to arrive, I'd like to ask you to mail the blue stuff so it arrives before we move!

The landlord has gone somewhere, so I am packing books to the camper/new home.

None of this would have happened had it not been for Judith. I want you to know that.

:ghug
I already feel like I have been adopted! You and Danny and Nandm and HistoryTeach and everyone else here at SR are my adoptive family. I'd be a really muddy puddle of pooh if it weren't for you.

Hopefully, you will recieve the box of blue stuff this week. You should get it this week. I already told you that I forgot to pack the round, blue, fuzzy pillow in the box, but I also forgot about the little mirror AND just today, realized I forgot to put the afgan in there too!!!

**sigh**

My brain is still on strike apparently. Monday, I went to the tax lady's to pic up my 2007 state and federal forms to send off. She had everything ready, including the envelopes addressed and ALL I had to do was sign and date both tax claims, then put stamps on the envelopes and mail.

I was quite pleased with myself b/c I didn't procrastinate any as I'd remembered where a mailbox is near my house. Then, that night, a couple hours later....IT HIT ME!!!! I did everything EXCEPT sign and date the damned things!!!!!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGGGG!!!!

**sigh**

yeah, I hate depression! It often makes me stupid!! Isn't it enough with all the crying, hospitalizations, shock treatments, suicidal thoughts, hopelessness, self-hate, loneliness, extreme headaches and all over pain and weakness and extreme fatigue, AND comatose tendencies!!!!! ARRRRGGGGG!!!

Hopefully, you've already recieved the smaller package of blue stuff yesterday or today! If not then....GOOD GRAVY!!! b/c they said it would only take a couple days and I think it was Friday when I mailed it.

And Judith...thanks so much for the help you've also given Tena. I love you just for that alone.

Hugs,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by liveweyerd

Maybe just remove the closet entirely?

I have a shower curtain....gold.....would you want that as a possible backdrop in the studio?

I'm open to anything. Just don't go to any extra trouble for anything tho. I can create backdrops out of all sorts of things that I could find for $1-$2 at thrift stores and such.

hugs and thanks for always thinking of me,
Jenna

[shutterbug]

well, yep, still a a little depressed this evening.

The date w/ the guy was Friday and I haven't heard a word yet. I'm sure my tripping all over the place as we were going to leave wasn't a good lasting impression. lol

oh...and afterwards, I discovered I'd worn 2 different earrings! Sis said she didn't think it was noticable (they were very similar earings, but still!).

Anyway, this was the 1st guy i'd actually met with. The last guy that I got all caught up in for a few weeks, we were talking quite a bit and he kept saying things about us going out when he got back from his internship job out of state, but then he disappeared. I text him about a month later and he said he'd met another girl shortly after he got back.

He then had deleted his yahoo personals ad. This guy I saw on Friday said his subscription was running out and he wasn't going to renew it, but still...when I logged on today and now HIS account has been deleted.

Kinda disheartening that the only 2 I've really been interested and they've both completely deleted their accounts shortly after talking with or meeting me!

[shutterbug]

And...I bit the bullet and went out with the local guy on Monday (the one who is sweet, but who i knew I wasn't attracted to). And now he's text messaging me daily AND e-mailing me.

I told him a couple months ago that I was only interested in being friends, but he seems to definetly be wanting more than that. And I can't even try to rationalize any kind of interest in him. I've tried. And the more he messages me, the more I don't want to talk to him. (Gosh, it makes me feel like a guy!! Except for the fact that I care about people's feelings so I don't just want to ignore him or anything).

[nandm]

I am so glad you like the butterfly windchimes. When Tena said you liked butterflies I kept my eyes out for something unique. When I saw that I thought of you right away. The wall hanging made me think of you because you are stronger and have more courage than you know. So I sent it as a reminder to you to believe in you.

I am sorry you are having a struggle with men in your life. Dating can sure be rough. I am definately no one to give advice in that area.......I was the one that would have the uhaul backed up after the first date.....except for my first husband who I dated all through high school. Only when I got sober did that change and I became friends first before we officially dated. But I must admit I was in love with her at first site....long before I actually met her. I just saw her when she walked in the room and was too shy to talk to her. I never dreamed she could like me back so when we struck up a friendship I figured that a friendship was definately better than nothing as she is a good person. Fortunately, things worked out and we have been together now since June 26th 2001. I am looking forward to many more years together.

Sorry I got off track there. I guess what I was trying to say is that for me finding the right person caught me way off guard and I did not even dream that a relationship was possible. It was only after a friendship that we found a relationship. It sounds like you have been up front with this guy that keeps pushing for more than a friendship. Maybe it is time to tell him as politely as possible that you are not ready for a relationship right now and his pushing things by texting and calling all the time is really bothering you. That you would like to stay friends with him but can not handle the stress of the constant texting and stuff. I know easier said than done. Woops.....I said I was not going to give relationship advice..

Take care. Before you know it you will find you have made a home for yourself and it will be something you can be proud of since you pulled it up from a shack and turned it into a home. I realize it may be hard to picture that right now but I have seen it done. I have done it myself. Actually, I am in the middle of a remodel of my kitchen right now. Pulled the old laminate off the countertops, found some that I liked at a good price on craigslist and put the first sheet down last night. I love it. Just 3 more counter tops left to strip, sand, glue, and place laminate on. I am also at the same time refinishing the wood cabinates. They are a pretty pecan color. So I am sanding them down and putting a new pecan stain and polyurithane coating on them. So far they are looking great. When I find the right tile I will finish off the counter tops with a tile backsplash. I forgot about the sink I am replacing that as well. I think I found the one I want on craigslist, I hope to pick it up tomorrow. Somewhere in all this I am going to also do a wainscoat around the stove with a different tile backsplash. Just have to figure out what color and style I want there. I am also considering putting these neat sheets of a weathered looking metal in different metals. I think it would look nice behind the stove as it would accent it. The stove is plain white with a flat black cooktop and the new fan/light I put up above it is all white; so a little color would be nice. Enough of my remodel....here I am highjacking your thread....sorry.

Take care, I can't tell you how nice it was to see your posts. I wonder how you are doing when I don't see them. If you here from Tena let her know I am wondering how she is doing. I may try and call her tomorrow.

[liveweyerd]

Hello, beloved friends!

The computer lost its mind for 4 days and Danny had to contact the techs and do a fix and repair download. So today is the first day I have it back.

SIL is still playing the games hanging onto our money. We are going to email and try to work it out that we receive it at least 2 weeks before our scheduled move, since we will turn in forwarding address then, as I have learned in the past it gets mixed up for awhile.

The phones are disconnected. And until she sends the never-never check or the 1st they will remain that way.

My sister and neice came to visit with a most loving attitude! WOW, what a surprize, they wanted to visit us before we leave and my neice let me know she totally adores me.
What a great feeling! Sis took us out for dinner and drinks. Seeing the camper which is officially our new home really took her by surprize, she said it was hard to imagine one finished with real household furniture and she thought it was great! Loved that too.

I tried to phone you Jenna from her phone but I couldn't remember the prefix right. Didn't have my phone with me. I knew you would be worried about me.

So, the next day we had an appmt at the VA. First time I have ever left there with a glow, we knew we had an appmt with orthopedics, but it was an orthopedic surgeon! His opinion exactly matched what we had been thinking and seeking! That is, that Danny's spinal injury is too severe for the pain pill game the pain clinic plays (and drives me crazy with frustration) and we had so much confidence in this man that hubs is to be scheduled for surgery after the new year. We had said we would never come back to Florida...but for this...definitely!

I received your first letter and it was the sweetest most loving letter I have ever received. Can I send it to my mom? Also got the box and had fun going through it, the box was handled roughly and the glass in the picture frames were broken but we can replace that. Love the one of YOU!!!! That one vase with the black on the bottom would be hard to give up! LOL

Today I have a headache and am just worn out. Not doing much of anything. But tomorrow I get to clear off and out everything that is going into the storage unit because our dream of a neighbor is going to use his utility trailer and help haul it!

I so want those things out of the way, so I can put things in place here and start cleaning it up in the rental.

Hey, I just remembered Danny has a phone that you buy minutes for, he is going to put $25 worth of minutes on it.....so I can call, but we won't be able to talk for hours!

Thank you and Judith for the gifts!

You should start getting more goodies in. I have a box full but I am waiting to ship it, and will buy another box because I have enough to fill it up. We are going to be so loaded down that I really do need to ship these smaller things. I am relying on Danny's creative engineering to manage to load all the stuff we need to, because frankly I don't see how it is all going to fit!

I will post more later, I really do feel rough and am going to go lay down.

hugs to all!
Tena

[shutterbug]

Bless you both.

Judith, as I've told Tena many times...Please highjack my thread every and ANY time you wish! i love it when others write about what's going on in thier lives. I don't just want my threads to be just about me. It's about US! :ghug

I only have a second, but Tena THANK YOU for checking in!! Yes, i have been worried! And I'm super, super, SUPER glad to hear your computer is working again!!!!!!!! yippee!

I didn't recieve any calls from you that I know of...of course sis just told me she tried calling earlier tonight and it didn't go to my voicemail or ring on my end at all.

Tena, yes you may share anything i write you with your mom or anyone. I'm really honored. (i wish i could remember what i wrote tho! lol)

I finally heard from the dude tonight that took me out to dinner last Friday. I figured he just wasn't interested since I'd heard nothing from him at all, but that jury is still out since all he did tonight was text me with "Whatch doen"

Since that didn't deserve a reply...and since it's a Friday evening anyway...I didn't reply. If he's interested at all, i just think it's just one of those 'better than nothing' kinda interests. So unless he contacts me with something better than 'Whatcha doen' then i'm not interested either. (although, he was quite a bit more attractive than I thought he'd be..and seems super sweet, but still...i'm learning to value myself...or trying anyway).

hugs,
Jenna

[liveweyerd]

Today I was sleepy. Not depressed....but so sleepy...so that is what I did. What I did not do was stress! YAY!
I will have to get really busy early in the the morning.

I love hearing what you are doing with your home, Judith!

Love to all.....I am still fatigued!

Tena

[nandm]

Good to see both of your posts.

Jenna, reading your post it sounds like you are feeling somewhat better. I totally agree that until the guy can do more than "Whatcha doin?" he isn't worth seeing. Seems to me that a simple hello during the week might have been nice, or a phone call this afternoon to say hi. The "whatcha doin?" is kind of lame. Hope the place is continuing to feel more like home. I know it will when Tena and Danny get there. It sounds like she can make anyplace feel like home.

Tena, always good to see your post. Sorry you had the computer trouble. I am fortunate that most of what goes wrong with mine I can fix myself. Hope you get the phone back on soon. Have you consulted an attorney about getting your part of the inheritance? It still seems to me that since she has recieved the money that she can not hold onto it like that. Maybe an attorney could also make her pay you any interest that has accrued during this time as well as compensate you for the trouble you have had while waiting.

WARNING!!! Highjack ahead......lol
Finished the countertops today. I convinced my g/f to buy a granite composite sink instead of the old standby cast iron/porcelin. I felt it would bring out the counter top laminate. We got it in the white but it doesn't look completely white, it looks like white granite, it has flecks of grays in it. I about had a heart attack yesterday, really felt horrible and nearly cried. I was tapping out the pre-drilled areas that have to be removed depending on where a person wants to put the faucet and as I was tapping out the last one the corner of the sink cracked and fell to the ground. About a 6 inch by 3 -4 inch piece. The sink was $300. I felt horrible telling M about it. She handled it really well though; she just said "we just have to buy another one, I realize it wasn't your fault it was a poor design in that area." WOW! That coming from a very frugal woman was a shock. I just knew she would be irate. It did work out well though. I was able to glue it back together and the crack was only on the upper edge well above any water line. It even came out barely noticeable. So we did not have to replace it. We got it put in today. Will do a tile backsplash, for the countertops, tomorrow and I will decide what I want to do behind the stove for a backsplash. I am really leaning toward the aged metal looking tiles as I think the copper look will accent the stove and provide just enough color to bring out the kitchen. By the way the countertops really make the yellow paint look great. M is quite pleased.

I found a steamer trunk in good shape today at an estate sale for $5. I am going to get rid of my desk in the study to make more room for an easel and turn it into an art room. My painting is coming along well. I will hopefully be done with it this week. I start school this week as well. I am kind of looking forward to it. Kind of dreading it....oh well.

Take care everyone. :ghug

[liveweyerd]

I was just thinking about your kitchen last night, it sounds radiant! And as you have been pondering LOL the backsplashes, I too, had an image of copper?!

All I could do yesterday was sleep. I am having trouble waking up this morning, still part in dreamland...but will soon get busy doing what I didn't do yesterday...getting things ready to take to storage.

I would say M is careful of her stewardship, as I see great generosity in her too!
I do know how you must have felt when the sink cracked.

oops, gotta go...............back later

[liveweyerd]

I realized early this morning that October is always a bit rough on me, so knowing that I shall take great care to be especially nice to myself.

Danny is missing the phone calls and just mentioned to me that we could hook up our landline and arrange for you to call us when you are on free time, Jenna. Or Judith. Or Teach, if you'd like to talk.

Judith, it is not my call on what to do about SIL, but I am sure Danny is not up for war. He is all ready way too stressed. Especially about his son. Apparently it is the guards who assaulted him and the staph infection in his leg is quite dangerous. And Danny worries about EVERYTHING all at the same time. I feel very badly for him.

Well, ....baby steps to get something(s) done....LOVE!

[liveweyerd]

Jenna, the reason you hadn't received that other poster yet is because I had given them part your address and part mine. Brain fart. I corrected it yesterday and they will ship again.

[historyteach]

Tena,
I'm horrible on the phone; I hate it! LOL!
Thanks, though...
But, I sent you my email, if you want it.

I love the fall. We always have an Indian summer, after the first frost. It's a beautiful time of year here in New England.
It's in February that I get the doledrums. SAD hits hard then.
I'll be prepared this year, though. Cuz, this time, I know when it hits, and I'll take the precautions for it.

Shalom!

[liveweyerd]

Actually, I think Jenna is the only one of us comfortable with the phone. It took me a very long time...like two years...to actually be able to talk with her on the phone!

[historyteach]

I did some cooking yesterday; made a delicious spinach pie, with peperoni, swiss cheese, mushrooms and onions.
I can't stop eating it today! LOL!

I also made just a plain one with spinach, peperoni and cheese for my nephew. He was home for the week, from CA. He left last night. But, he doesn't like all the other stuff. So, there's left overs of that too. We had them for appitizers before he left. And I turned him on to herring in cream sauce. OMG! I LOVE that stuff! And he's such a picky eater! His mom, my sister, could not believe he ate it! LOL! But, he did!

I also made some salmon and a baked sweet potato for supper. That was delicious! And full of the omega 3's that are so good for me, lol! But, after the apps, I couldn't finish it all. So, I guess I know what I'm having for dinner again tonight. And I'll be making salmon salad for lunch tomorrow too! Tough life, huh?

I've been spending every weekend at my mom's house. My sister and BIL live upstairs. It's nice, cuz, I'm not all alone all the time. And it's kind of comforting for me too.

I'm sorry I haven't been around too much. I'm beginning to feel a bit more like myself. But, it was tough loosing my mom, even as I knew it was coming for quite some time. It's just that she went through so much; that's why it was so tough. Hopefully, I'll be back more now...

Shalom!

[KatieRose]

that sounds good. Care to share the recipe?

[historyteach]

Which one?

Shalom!