How Seriously Do I Take Him?

[Canada Lily]

Hello everyone, I'm new here. Great site. I will give you a quick background and then get on to my question. My hubby and I are in our late 40's and have been together 10 years (married 8), second marriage for both. He was a drinker from the day I met him...not the kind to hang out in bars, but the drink at home type. His drinking (personality) has gone through phases. The first few years he was a happy drunk. Then things started to change. He spent the next few years throwing what I call "tantrums". I learned alot about alcoholics during this period. He could be mean, loud and always looking to start a fight. I finally figured out that the best way to handle these outbursts was to just walk away and not argue with him. I learned that there is no way to reason with a drunk because they don't think rationally. Now he has gone on to a new phase...could it be because he no longer gets any reaction from me?

He now seems very depressed. Now when he drinks (which is every night), he belittles himself and is critical of himself. He has mentioned suicide several times and the other night I found a suicide note he had written. He is always fine the next day and there has never been any mention made of this when he is sober. I honestly don't know what to make of this. Is this a ploy for attention or should I truly be worried that he will really go through with it?

I realize you people on the forum don't know me or my husband and can't give me a firm answer. But have any of you had experience with this? We do have guns in the house from my husband being brought up on a farm. I'm starting to think I should at least get them out of the house. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Lily

[phoenix]

Hi...and welcome to Sober Recovery.First,let me say that I would take the suicidal behavior very seriously.Even if it were only a way of getting attention,he could do himself great harm.Some experts speculate that a large number of suicides are unintentional....that the person simply goes too far.Unfortunately,once they are gone,it is all but impossible to know whether they truly wanted to die.

In any case,the depth of despair that would cause such behavior certainly needs to be dealt with.Depression is highly treatable.I know,because I have experienced it.Thank God I got help.I have a delightful 10 year old son who needs me.

I'd suggest trying to get help for him.There should be a hotline for local help and information.Of course,any treatment will be more likely to succeed if he can get sober.That's something he'd need to want for himself for long term recovery to be possible.

And now,what about you?Are you involved in Al Anon in your area? We have an excellent Al Anon forum here.There is a lot of wonderful support available for you.Again..welcome

Hugs

phoenix

[jpal]

Take this very seriously. I suffer from depression myself and used alcohol as a way of escape. But the drinking doesn't make anything better, in fact it only intensifies things. When I was drinking I could feel the pain of depression all the more. I seemed fine as well the next day-but that was only because I was no longer under the influence of alcohol and could hide the depression better. Depressed people find ways of getting through the day, going through the motions if you will, just so that they don't have to deal with people asking them if they are all right etc. It was too stressful for me to have to lie to my friends and family about the depression. It was easier to fool them into thinking everything was ok. That way I didn't have to deal with it. Sounds like your husband might be trying to do the same kind of thing. Acting like everythings ok-when it's not. Only when he has a few drinks his true feelings come out. The drinking is a way of self medicating. I know that's what I did.
If he mentions suicide that means he IS thinking about it. How close to actually doing it is an unknown but you can be sure that sometimes he feels like it wouldn't really matter if he died. I know there were times when I didn't care if I lived or died. I used to think that if there was an accident and I was killed that it'd be ok with me because I wouldn't have to think about my problems anymore. The decision of whether to kill myself or not would be taken out of my hands so to speak. So from that kind of attitude to actually killing yourself is not too far a road. Your husband needs help. He needs treatment for his depression. Try talking to him when he is sober and showing him some books or websites about depression. I know there are a lot of them out there. There are some with quizzes you can take about how you are feeling and about the "symptoms" have. I took some of those and they really helped me to see that I had a problem. It helped me to put a label on what was wrong with me when before I just thought I was crazy and there was no help. It was good to know that what my problem was a "real" thing and that lots of people had it. And that there was treatment. He may not even realize that he can get help and that there is a better way of life out there. Now don't think that he will magically see the light........it took me a long time to realize and to accept that I was depressed. There is still stigma attached to mental illness and not many people want to admit to themselves that they have a mental illness. Don't badger him or force him to admit that he needs help. He needs to accept that he has a problem on his own terms and that can take a while. Encourage him to see a doctor about it because they are very good at explaining the illness in medical/biological terms that will help him to see that it really is an illness. Doesn't have to be a shrink either.......(that may put him off.) Just let him know that you are there for him and will help anyway you can. Also let him know that you won't think any less of him for having a mental illness. I say WON"T because you don't want to TELL him he has a mental illness-aproach the subject more along the lines of..... do you think this might be whats going on/what do you think about this/maybe we should look into this?? I know when people tried to tell me I was depressed and needed help I took it as a personal attack and it just made things worse. A lot of it really depends on what kinda mood he is in when you talk to him which is why you are probably going to have to make several attempts before he sees that he has a treatable illness. Also a good thing for you to know is that depression REALLY is like a roller coaster. There will be some periods where your husband is a lot more "down" than others. When he is "up" he may even seem very much like his old self because he can handle things better then. At those times he will be more apt to have a positive attitude about seeking treatment because he can think more clearly about the situation. You just have to watch him and try to help anyway you can. And if he seems very down and suicidal you should take him to the emergency room. They will make sure that he doesn't go through with the suicide and help to get treatment started. Its a tough situation for you both to be in, but just know that many people have been there and gotten better. I wish you all the strength and luck in the world. And remember there is always someone here to help.

[jpal]

wow. sorry so long!!

[Nancy Allegood]

I have some exp. with suicide being very real. The only way you know they really mean it is when it is done, and then it is too late. My sister made this a reality for me. I think it is always better to err on the side of caution -- if it turns out to be a false alarm -- so what? What have you lost? Nothing except some time. And if it is not, what have you got to lose? -- a human.The risks on the cautious side are alot more attractive, if you ask me.

Nancy