Just need to talk to someone, anyone

[frankly]

Hi all, I'm kinda new here, post mostly on F&F.

I'm fighting a major depressive episode. I am BP, and PTSD. I have severe problems with meds. Some major medical problems, and was told I could never ever take any of the meds out there. For years now, I've recognized my episodes and delt with them through therapy, exercise, nutrition and gratitude. I pray a lot, and find comfort in that. I stopped my therapy when I moved to Tenn. over a year ago. I can not bring myself to find someone new. I just can't bring myself to start over, relive everything to bring someone up to date on me, just to wonder if things will change again and have to start all over again. I just can't do it any more.

My depression is getting really bad, and it gets harder every day to try to live in the positive. I feel like I'm drowning. I know it will pass, I'll switch to a manic stage which I really prefer. I can handle the anxiety so much better than the depression. At least in the manic stage, I get so much done, I feel like I'm worth something when I get things accomplished.

I know I'm withdrawing into myself again. That's one reason that I'm posting here, usually if I tell someone that it is happening, then I actually accept that it is and can pull myself up out of it. Just typing the words, validates it to me, helps me see the problem better somehow.

My mind knows that I'm a good person, that I'm loved, but my heart weeps and I feel so alone inside. Usually I can snap myself out of it by visiting peaceful beautiful places and count my blessings, lately though even that is making me sad. I'm withdrawing from everything and everyone again, and I don't want to be in that place, but something inside of me wants to hide there.

Thanks for listening to my rants.

B

[Dr. Snow]

Originally Posted by frankly

I know I'm withdrawing into myself again. That's one reason that I'm posting here, usually if I tell someone that it is happening, then I actually accept that it is and can pull myself up out of it. Just typing the words, validates it to me, helps me see the problem better somehow.

My mind knows that I'm a good person, that I'm loved, but my heart weeps and I feel so alone inside. Usually I can snap myself out of it by visiting peaceful beautiful places and count my blessings, lately though even that is making me sad. I'm withdrawing from everything and everyone again, and I don't want to be in that place, but something inside of me wants to hide there.

Hello, frankly. Yours is yet another post here that I relate to, especially the last part.

You said you were told you can never take any meds. Have you gotten a second and third opinion on that? Some meds have almost no physical side effects at all. Lamictal is one of them. I've been on it since August. My experience has been that it's a little more effective in treating depression than anxiety. So, if you have a tougher time handling the depression, it might work for you.

Also, you mentioned dealing with your episodes through therapy, exercise, nutrition, and gratitude. I like your proactive, multi-level approach to treating BP. I'm guessing that not being on medication has forced you to explore things that most of us haven't in order to find things that work. Have you got any tips for us? I have found that involving myself in a hobby is good for alleviating depression. Have you got any hobbies?

I'm not receiving professional therapy either. My doctor is pretty much a med-only doc. I think we can spend countless hours with a therapist and, at the end, they still don't know us. It's very difficult to find a therapist who wll really slow down and listen, and even harder to find one that we feel comfortable with. And it's hard to pay the bills for all of that time spent with the therapist. The only therapy I get is online, for free. I think I'm probably better off with this kind of help anyway. The nice thing about online help is that you don't have to relive anything that you don't want to, and you don't have to reveal anything that you don't want to. Sometimes, I think it is helpful to let go and forget the past, and concentrate on living in the present and dealing with current problems. I hope this has helped...

[splendra]

((((frankly)))))

Oh honey feel better. Tell those blues I said BOO with the lights on.

I understand not wanting to start over too. Do what you need to do to stay well.

Love you,

Lisa

[2stop]

My Heart aches for you. Few years ago, I was in the same place....the weeping heaer. I would always feel like I had a broken heart..and couldn't understand why...some times it was purely chemical, other times it was some thing inside my head, my thought pattern that was driving me nuts......I well remember not being able to cope with another therapist.and reliving 9it all.soem therapists don't do that.
I know it is tough starting over with a new one.....cognitive behavioral therapy.....it is what helped me.

I hope you get to a sunnier place soon.....warmest hugs ever coming your way.

[frankly]

Dr. Snow - Probably about 6 different opinions, I have some sort of deformity in the production of my blood, I have to be careful with something as simple as asprin. The BP meds send me crashing within 2 days, the ones that are supposed to pull me out of the crash send me to a deeper level. If I ever choose to try the med. route again, I have to be hospitalized for months while I try different ones. I did bio-feedback for years and it helped a whole lot. More times than not though, I just suffer through it, knowing it will swing again, then I'm on top of the world and nothing can stop me. My hobby is working on old homes, It's the one thing I truely love doing. Sometimes I can force myself to do that during the depression and it helps pull me up, but times like this, I can't even find any enjoyment in even that.

I try to live in the moment as much as possible. Some things though can trigger me. It can be really stupid little things that do it too.

Splendra - as always, you made me smile, thank you

2stop - I never thought about it as a broken heart feeling, but that is exactly what it feels like.

[historyteach]

(((Frankly)))

Shalom!

[Bozo]

Originally Posted by 2stop

cognitive behavioral therapy.....it is what helped me.

Thats what Im doing starting in January. I understand the depression and sadness along with not being able to draw some joy out of a beautiful setting. I guess these things come and go.

[shugabooga]

i wish i could help you somehow. does it help at all to take note that the shortest day of the year is Dec. 21, and after that, Spring and more daylight hours are right around the corner? that always cheers me up a little bit, just knowing that more sunshine is coming soon.........

[cinderellawkids]

Sending hugs. I go through the same thing. I dont see a therapist because I find Im always level in their office and when I bring in a journal of what ive been dealing with they look at me strange.

With the exception of here I have a hard time widening out.-actually I ahve a hard time making phone calls and doing anything that involves others

Hugs

[shugabooga]

i find that it cheers me up to go on youtube.com and search for videos of baton twirling, gymnastics, cirque du soleil, break dancing, baby laughing, baby dancing.........especially the baby laughing..........something to do while i eat my breakfast or smoke & drink coffee. there are so many other categories for free entertainment!!!

[frankly]

Well, I went for a hike this morning. Walked a couple of miles to explore a waterfall that I hadn't seen. It was beautiful, and it has made me feel a little bit better. Don't know if it was the walk, or just exploring something new that was very peaceful and tranquil, but it helped.

Thank you all for listening.

Hugs
B

[shugabooga]

your hike sounds awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! good for you for getting out, that can only do you good.

i had a busy night at work, but just as soon as i got outside and was smoking my ciggie before getting on the train, that yucky, all-alone feeling crept in. where does it come from?! but once i got into the train station, i felt fine. weird! now i'm home and i feel a little sad but i know it's partly due to being tired.

[cinderellawkids]

that yucky, all-alone feeling crept in. where does it come from?!

I felt that when I got home yesterday evening, and just didnt know what to do with myself, but I wasnt alone I was with my 3 small children. So I sat on the couch, turned on tv, scooped up my three year old and rocked with him. It seemed to help us both

[splendra]

((((frankly)))

just letting you know I am thinking about you and hope you are feeling better. The walk sounds awesome and a water fall wow! I would go there everyday if it was within walking distance.