Not a good mother

[nufznuf]

Maybe I am one of those people I am always am saying should not be mothers.
I have tried to raise 4 children.
There's my step daughter who is now 35 and an active drug addict and alcoholic
My only child by birth my oldest son is OK he is the only child I ever succeeded with and we do have a very very good relationship.
then there was my step daughters half brother no relation at all to my husband, I tried to help that child from the age of 12 -17 when he left under the guise of "helping his sister" who was pregnant for the second time by just who for sure she was uncertain.
This same child went on to become my youngest child (adopted child of my step daughter who we adopted after she abandoned hi ) drug dealer. Oh joy


2 summers ago youngest child ran away only to discover he was running away to "uncle mikes" house to do drugs. child is now on probation for MIP of unlawfull substance.
HE has now been contacted with proof that he was part of a group of students that broke into the school. they said they just wanted to safe place to hang out ...at 3 AM. they also made smoke bombs one of which exploded in the school. They were experimenting.
School is just an excuse to go hang with his friends, he does little to no school work
the only class he is currently passing is Band ( he loves to play music) and PE oh boy

he come homes after school and I ask if you have home work and did you turn your work in and he says I did it in school and yes I turned it in...and then when i check on it I see he hasn't and then he turns it all around and its my fault. school discussions usually have lots of yelling and screaming on both sides and then end with him slamming his bedroom door saying its all my fault I just don't understand how hard it is to be a kid

Then I get depressed and basically fall apart. and I cry and can't function

I had a major melt down at the beginning of November because I let my dad get into my head and here I am 48 yrs old and I am still trying to win my fathers approval and that is never gonna happen. I am still the worthless child. my sister is the star perfect child and I am not even chopped liver.

I am trying to stay focused on my climb back out of the dark and I get slapped in the face by yet another lying deceitful child who is just like his birthmother....a master at making everything someone else's fault
AM I becomeing my father???



is there really something to Nature VS nurture??
is it my childs fate to be a lier, cheater, alcoholic drug addicted failure?

is it my fate to be a failure as a parent???

I used to be able to make sense of my life.
I feel so worthless these days

[historyteach]

(((Nuf)))

You are not a failure.
Children do what they will do.

It was a very humbling experience for me when my son became a heroin addict. Oh, I can honestly say, I used to believe that the "apple didn't fall far from the tree." And when a parent came into school, we -- *I* --often saw evidence of why the kiddie acted as they did!
Today, I'm ashamed of those thoughts and beliefs.

We parents do what we can. We set the rules; we guide with values and boundaries; counsequences and plenty of love.
In the end, the child still will do what the child will do.
In the end, they still make choices over which we have no control.

We made mistakes when we raised our kids, of course. Every parent does. That's not enouugh reason for our kids to go off and become addicts. I never showed my son how to shoot up. I never modeled stealing for him. I never made a norm of deviant behavior for him. No, mistake I made I own. And I've made my amends. Now, I've moved on.

I don't believe in fate. I believe we make choices in life. And those choices have consequences -- some good, some bad, some neutral. And sometimes, shyte does happen. But, it's not the universe out to get us. It just is. Move on. Life happens. Don't try to examine and explain it; you can't. Accept it and move on.

You are not worthless!
You are a child of G*D! Never forget that you are a precious child of G*D!
Just as each of your children are.

Nuf, we don't know why things happen as they do, Nuf. We only know what is in front of us and we trust that it's part of a bigger plan. Allow your faith to let you let G*D and let go. We can't change it, remember? And we didn't cause it. We can't cure it. But, we CAN learn to cope with it! With the 12 step fellowship program. Have you been to a meeting lately?

I'm sorry you are suffering so. Have you spoken to your doctor? Are you taking care of yourself physically? Mentally? Emotionally? Spiritually? These things are important to us when we struggle.

For me, it can make the difference between mental health and mental illness. I must take care of myself or I slip into the darkness of depression and anxiety. And it's a constant issue for me to take care of.

I hope you take care of youself. And know that you are not alone. There is hope, Nuf. You are a worthy child of G*D and it's not your fault.
So, what are you going to do for yourself today?

Shalom!

[shugabooga]

nufznuf, it sounds like you're having a really rough time right now. i don't have kids, so i can't relate to parenting, but i wish you all the best in feeling better about yourself and your life. let us know how you're doing and keep posting. these message boards can be a real lifeline. remember, you're not alone!!!!!!!!!
shannon

[shugabooga]

by the way, these are your step children, and you didn't raise them alone. don't be so hard on yourself. they are adults, and they are on their own journey. you're not responsible for everything that happens to them. be sure you take care of yourself and love yourself.

[Hooner]

Hi - I may or may not have insite but I felt I should post a response.

It sounds as though you are doing everything you can for your children. However, recently going through dog training (I know children aren't dogs, but here is my point). They want structure. Can you say you are providing them a structured environment?

You said the teenage boy comes home, lies about homework and slams his bedroom door. Who is Alpha (top) person here?

Rules need to be set and kept. Guidelines followed.
If you aren't keeping up with those then you can't expect your children to.

Why was your child out at 3a.m. looking for a "safe" place? Does he have a curfew? If he doesn't follow that curfew are there consequences? What are they?

Either you run the show or someone else will. I only say this for YOUR well being.

I'm praying for you and please keep posting. It helps and we are all here for you.

[Spiritual Seeker]

It sounds like you spend a fair amt. of time living in the past.
A wonderful book is The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle (even better is the book on tape) avail. from Amazon.com
It teaches us to surrender to what is and to stay in the now with very limited visits to the past & future.
I find that if I have no expectations from my grown son and step sons than I can't be disappointed.
Maybe you need some light therapy bec it must be cold and dark up your way by now. Keep warm and try this book or book on tape to read near a warm fire.

[caraway]

Hello nufznuf. I can't really add anything to the above but agree with what historyteach says, its not your fault. And for what its worth, you sound like a very good mother to me, you have a good relationship with your oldest (birth) son and you so obviously care very much for your other children. I hope you can start believing in yourself and feeling a bit more positive. You deserve to be happy. God bless.

[nufznuf]

Thanks for the support.
Perhaps I do dwell in the past too often. Its history repeating itself. Aren't we supposed to learn from History?
Yes I have boundaries and yes there are consequences. do they help? not so far. curfew? of course there is a curfew , and he abides by it...of course sneaking out at 2 am is not part of that ..what I am supposed to do sit up all night to make sure he does not go out in the middle of the night?
It is looking like more and more he will be going somewhere, Either to Job corps or to a state operated military type facility for 18 months.
I have mixed emotions about it all to say the least.
only time will tell.

he will either thrive or he will fail and this time I will not be there to be his scape goat...he will not be able to blame me for it.

[reader]

I think most parents have quilt of all types. When a child acts screwed up the parents are so often looked at under an different light. My 2 step children are in their early 30s and have had alot of trouble with alcohol and drugs, often fighting follows.. I try to keep in mind that their father and i do not act like that and we don't condone it. They are so called grown ups and must make their own choices. We can make suggestions but beyond that it is on them. Try not to be so hard on yourself, kids from the best off back rounds mess up and all we can do is be a good example and pray they make good decisions.

[reader]

Oh, to add I have seen first hand what a great program Job Corps is. It is a first rate operation and I can't say enough good about them....

[Wascally Wabbit]

Originally Posted by nufznuf

is it my childs fate to be a lier, cheater, alcoholic drug addicted failure?

No, it's their choice, not their fate.

Originally Posted by nufznuf

is it my fate to be a failure as a parent???

Nope. It goes back to it being their choice, and you're just suffering because of their choices. It's only natural that parents suffer so very much over kids. They're our life and our love. You're a normal parent worried about the children and their choices in life.
Think of all the good you do. Think of how hard you work to be a good mom. Then, the kids choose something like this, and you're left thinking it's your fault. It isn't.

I am a parent of one in prison and one in a half way house. If anyone should feel to blame, I sure should. But years of alanon have made me realize, it was their choice all along.