Encouraged by Jenna to start a journal here

[Hooner]

Hi everyone! I've had a few folks ask me why I don't post here too much and why I don't write more about myself. Well, I don't want to reveal too much info about me because I don't want anyone out in "the mean world" to know who I am. I post when I feel I have something to contribute and I love reading everyone's thoughts and comments.

I guess a major question of mine right now that I could use some advice on is this: I'm finally going to see a bonafide, real psychiatrist. I've been through the county (that was a nightmare and joke), nurse practioners and certified public health counselors. This time it's a M.D. Psychiatrist.

I have a history of some depression and alcohol abuse. My theory (haha) is that if I am prescribed the proper medication for anxiety and depression then I won't drink as much. I use drinking to cope with my anxiety and depression in turn making it worse.

However, as soon as I mention alcohol abuse to any professional it's as though they stop listening. Nope, that's the problem. So, this time, I'm not mentioning it. I feel kinda weird not telling the entire truth but I really do believe I need antidepressants and definitately something for anxiety (which they won't give me with a history of alcohol abuse). However, I have taken Klonopin (which is suppose to be this highly addictive anti-anxiety benzo) and I've never abused it, take it per required need and even take less because I hate the way it makes me feel if I take too much.

I tried explaining this to a "resident Doctor" (again no one high up) but he was just like, "NOPE, nope, nope."

Anyways, any thoughts on this would be helpful. I know I can't drink and mix the meds (been there when on prozac and took on another personilty - crazy sh*te!)

I'm just really believing to stop focusing so much on quitting drinking and place more of the focus on getting better. Focusing on getting better, I believe, will help to alleviate the drinking.

Am I crazy? haha (this is rhetorical)

[Alive]

Hey...

I can really relate to the not saying all because honestly i know if i went into detail in the first consultation i probably wouldn't even be on medication by myself. I did abuse alcohol. And i did abuse some pills. But i've made my mind to do this treatment. Today is not a good day tough, but tomorrow will be....

It really depends on what kind of doctor you'll have. If you are going to a new pdoc a lot of the recovery depends on trusting the doctor. It's a really hard step but it's needed. Some doctors don't get it, but some do. If you do find that one that you can trust he will then be able to trust your honesty too and things we'll evolve into a healthy relationship between the doctor and you


I feel optimism in you. I'm proud of you...

[Hooner]

Thanks for the feedback Karim.

I've really thought (my opinion) for years but no doctors would listen once I was completely HONEST.

I'm a little nervous - the initial assessment is 90 minutes! Does anyone know a general idea of what will happen for 90 minutes? I know I'll be asked ALOT of questions....uh!

[Dr. Snow]

Originally Posted by Hooner

I'm finally going to see a bonafide, real psychiatrist. I've been through the county (that was a nightmare and joke), nurse practioners and certified public health counselors. This time it's a M.D. Psychiatrist.

Hello, Hooner. It's great that you're gonna see a real psychiatrist. That's a good decision. I've heard way too many horror stories about county public health. It may be less expensive in the beginning, but I think it often ends up costing more in the long run. I wouldn't jeopardize my health like that.

I use drinking to cope with my anxiety and depression in turn making it worse.

Heheheh... Well, that's pretty much my life story!

However, as soon as I mention alcohol abuse to any professional it's as though they stop listening. Nope, that's the problem. So, this time, I'm not mentioning it. I feel kinda weird not telling the entire truth but I really do believe I need antidepressants and definitately something for anxiety (which they won't give me with a history of alcohol abuse).

I, too, was worried about mentioning my alcoholism. However, the first thing I said to my psychiatrist after he asked, "What can I help you with today?" was, "I've had a drinking problem." My anxiety often causes me to say things that I don't intend to, or say things that are inappropriate, out-of-place, or just plain weird. Nevertheless, I thoroughly surprised myself when I began the conversation by saying that. It was my first visit ever with a psychiatrist and I didn't even have time to sit down on the couch yet!

I've known that I've been suffering from severe depression for many years and that it's what was behind the alcoholism all along. So, I had the same "theory" that you do. To make a long story short, the doc figured out that I am bipolar on the first visit. I think it was obvious to him. This was a surprise to me because I hadn't been very conscious of my anxiety. In fact, I wasn't expecting that diagnosis at all, thinking that I was just chronically depressed. At first, I thought he had to be wrong. After 6 months sober, I'm still learning to identify my anxious behavior, and am realizing that it is much more prevalent than I first thought.

So, I was honest with the doc about my alcoholism and it worked out, even though it didn't exactly work out like I expected. Now that you will be seeing a real psychiatrist, it will probably be to your advantage to be honest. I think a good one will find out anyway. They have a way of gaining specific information about you without asking direct questions. At least, that was my experience.

Anyway, I hope this has helped. It seems to me that you are getting to the bottom of it. Best wishes, and keep us posted on your progress...

[Hooner]

Thank you Dr. Snow for your insight. It relieves me to know I'm not the only one with this "theory." Drinking is making my life miserable and it's so difficult to quit without going into a major mood swing. I know alot of this is normal for alcoholics - but I think I to have bipolar tendencies and definately anxiety.

I'll go a week without talking to my husband and then act as though everything is normal. He looks at me like I'm crazy - I get hurt because of his actions and so the cycle goes.

This month, even though I've cried alot, I am recognizing the patterns and not blaming myself like I use to. When I blame myself then it just sends me into a tail spin of suicide or cutting.

I do my best to just say, "I'm not well today and am getting help." These are all things I'm going to tell the Dr. For now, I'm planning on leaving the drinking out but maybe when I get there it will be a different vibe. I'm making notes of things I want to tell her.

Thanks again for the feedback!:atv

[Hooner]

So, I went to the M.D. Psych. I was a bit annoyed and still trying to figure it out. Her first suggestion was to listen to quiet ocean sounds and relax and offered book recommendations. This sent my blood pressure SOARING.

I had to get very assertive and state, "I did not pay this money for you to tell me to listen to ocean CD's. I've tried that and if it were that easy, I wouldn't be HERE."

I was a little miffed. I know I'm not going to be able to take a pill and fix my troubles but come on....it was as though she down played everything I was telling her. And, this has been affecting my life for YEARS. I'm not just in there whining about the past month.

She gave me what I wanted though (well sort of) with explanations and rationalles behind it. I was just a little let down I had to fight so hard with someone who I thought would help and understand.

[tellus]

Wow, Hooner. If my doc told me to listen to ocean sounds, I don't know that I'd be able to go back to that doctor.

Are you going to give her a second shot?

[Hooner]

Hi! Yeah, she eventually gave me what I wanted - Effexor with a low dose of Klonapin for anxiety.

She said I have more of a "mood" disorder and am a Bipolar No Classification. That's where I have tendancies but don't fit the 1 or 2 Classification.

So, her first thought was Abilify but she said it cause weight gain and I'm already insecure about being borderline overweight (I'm not obese, but I need to lose weight).

I was just real frustrated I had to be so persistant. I'll see how it works out. It was expensive to go and I don't have insurance. I didn't even go into the alcohol abuse with her because then I would have received NOTHING. And, as I stated above - I believe the alcohol abuse stems from me self medicating.

I am still laughing so hard at someone's tag on here (sorry I can't remember) but it said, "Santa called me a "Ho" 3 times." That's great! :rof

[tellus]

Haha. That's Tanya, IIRC.

Glad she finally gave you what you wanted, Hooner--hope it's what was needed. In my experience, finding the right doctor is the most important thing. (After eight years (!) of seeing various doctors, I saw a new one yesterday... First one EVER that didn't gloss over my OCD concerns.)

[Hooner]

Wow, I just found this online for Ruling out Your disorder -- how confusing:

Bipolar Basics
by Kimberly Read<br><br>

Ask almost any individual with bipolar disorder about how they were diagnosed. You will probably hear of a long and difficult journey through many wrong turns and misdiagnoses, numerous dead ends and new doctors. The path will have included abundant changes of direction and differing medications before arriving at the correct diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Why is this so often the case? It's because the list of psychiatric conditions with symptoms similar to those of bipolar disorder is rather long. To further complicate the picture, most of these disorders can also occur with bipolar disorder.

Psychiatric conditions that can manifest symptoms similar to bipolar disorder include:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)Hyperactivity and distractibility are two of the hallmark symptoms of ADHD. However, they are also quite predominant in bipolar disorder, especially as it relates to children. Recent research seems to indicate that bipolar disorder does occur even in very young children. Many children diagnosed with ADHD are later diagnosed with bipolar disorder as well.

Alcohol/Substance AbuseThis is me!
It is very common for those with bipolar disorder to struggle with alcohol and substance abuse issues. This is often an attempt, even on an unconscious level, to self-medicate. Additionally, the effects of these drugs (such as hallucinations or the inability to sleep) can be confused with the symptoms of bipolar disorder.

Borderline Personality DisorderThis could be me.
The diagnostic criteria for this disorder include impulsivity, suicidal behavior, reactivity of mood, inappropriate anger, and paranoia. All of these are also associated with bipolar disorder. It is possible for an individual to be diagnosed with both of these disorders.

Delusional Disorder
The hallmark of this disorder is nonbizarre (the situations are possible) delusions. Mood episodes can be a symptom but they are brief in duration and are part of the delusion. If a doctor is not aware of the delusion, the mood may appear to be incongruent to current circumstances and therefore confused as bipolar disorder.

DepressionMe
The one thing that distinguishes unipolar depression from bipolar disorder is mania/hypomania. If a patient with depression swings into an episode of mania, the diagnosis becomes bipolar disorder.

Eating Disorders
It is not uncommon for those with bipolar disorder to experience eating disorders. Moreover, depression, anxiety and irritability often result from eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by an extreme fear of gaining weight or getting fat. Those with this disorder often have a body weight of less than 85 percent of that what is considered normal. Bulimia nervosa is typified by periods of binge eating followed by purging (purposely vomiting).

Panic DisorderMe.
This disorder is characterized by recurrent, spontaneous panic attacks. In that these attacks are traumatic, they do create instability of mood which may be confused with the mood episodes of bipolar disorder. Furthermore, panic attacks are also common in those with bipolar disorder.

Schizophrenia
Schizophrenia is a mental disorder that causes intense disturbances in both cognition (thinking) and emotions (feeling). It consists of two classifications of symptoms – positive and negative. Positive symptoms include delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech and thinking, disorganized behavior, catatonic behavior, and inappropriate moods. Negative symptoms are flattened emotions, lack of speech and a reduction in goal-directed behavior. The symptoms of schizophrenia are easily confused with those of bipolar disorder.

Schizoaffective Disorder
A diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder is given when the symptoms of both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder (predominantly mania) are both present – occurring simultaneously. If the symptoms alternate or are not present throughout an episode, a diagnosis of schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (perhaps with psychotic features) is more likely depending on the dominant symptoms. As you would expect, there is a great deal of confusion and controversy surrounding this disorder.

Reference
American Psychiatric Association (2000). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition Text Revision (DSM-IV-TRTM).

[Hooner]

Okay - here's the website recommended to me by the M.D. that's suppose to heal all my problems -- hahahaha

www.serenitymusic.com

For some reason I can just feel my blood pressure RISING!

Lady, if I could listen to quiet sounds and be cured, oh man, oh man.
Deep breaths Hooner.

But maybe it will help someone else out. I'm sure it does help relax people and I have used music before. But to me -- that was just ridiculous to pay all that money and have her suggest this.

[Dr. Snow]

Originally Posted by Hooner

Okay - here's the website recommended to me by the M.D. that's suppose to heal all my problems -- hahahaha

www.serenitymusic.com

For some reason I can just feel my blood pressure RISING!

Lady, if I could listen to quiet sounds and be cured, oh man, oh man.
Deep breaths Hooner.

But maybe it will help someone else out. I'm sure it does help relax people and I have used music before. But to me -- that was just ridiculous to pay all that money and have her suggest this.

Hey, Hooner. Yeah, it seems kind of bizarre that your doctor would recommend that site, especially considering that it is a commercial site! Right? I can understand why you felt your blood pressure rising! Well, at least she didn't try to sell you some magic power crystals or something. Wow, that's just weird...

I'm glad you were able to get the meds, though. Don't forget that your doctor is working for you. If you become unhappy with the care you are receiving, you can fire her just like you hired her.

Anyway, you're right, music can be helpful for relaxation. After checking out serenitymusic, I did some searching, and stumbled across Allegro. It's live streaming audio of various music programs that are found on public radio. You don't have to register or enter your email address. Just enter your current local time and the schedule comes up. They have several "relaxation" programs listed that I'm familiar with, including Hearts of Space, Harmonia, and Echoes. I tried it and it works! The best thing is that it's free! I just love freebies... Here it is, for anybody who wants to check it out:

http://jrabold.net/radio/index.htm

[liveweyerd]

I, too, have been thro' many years of psychologists, nurse practioners (I like mine) and psychiatrists. I am not going to see one that I have to struggle with. I am honest thus they trust me.....the good ones.
But you gotta shop around

For a funny, because of my financial situation I went to see a State funded DR last week with follow up this week. He "threatened" me that I could just go back to DR NAME.
I figure he thinks he can do this because people can't afford to see private DRs, not the people he sees AND he could never make it in private practice because he would have no clients. And when I told him that last weeks prescription wasn't quite right, he said I follow his orders or he fires me! LMAO
OK. Dumb for a psychiatrist, because he now requires that I lie to him..and I will....just for awhile until I am on my feet and can go back to DR NAME. I am just playing the game. In my mind he is abusive.
Don't know where you are..in Florida I think, and if so I wouldn't know where but if you are in my area I can give you the name of a very good office. Where truth sets you free and gets you appropriate help.

[shugabooga]

radio-locator.com

another good site for streaming radio.........

[PaperDolls]

Hi hooner.......hope you're having a good day today.

It's very common for people to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs. I'm surprised the Dr's you seen stop in their tracks. Seems pretty silly to me. It's a vicious circle really.....you're depressed so you drink.......alcohol is a depressant so um......it makes you depressed. But is sure does feel like it solves the problem for that very short amount of time you don't have to think or feel, doesn't it? Just remember, the depression is there no matter how much you drink and the drink will only make it worse. I think you already know all this stuff......may be I'm just saying it for myself. Please don't take offense or think that I'm telling you what you need to do. I'm not trying to be like that. I know it's hard to get all of this figured out, find the right Dr, find the right meds.....and live life in the meantime.

Hopefully, you've found the right Dr. for you and hopefully the meds work out for you. I know you said it so you know but the meds won't work right with the drinking. I think you may be right, that if the meds start working for you elevating your anxiety and depression you won't want to drink as much but please! Try to quit drinking before the pills "kick in". I'm afraid they won't kick in at all with the alcohol.

Wish you all the best and look forward to an update.

[Hooner]

Hey PaperDolls,

Thanks for the reply. The meds have been helping me with the alcohol - just as I thought they would. So, it seems good. I have had some loss of appetite, nausea, dry mouth and fatique/sleeping alot. However, it seems to be wearing off a little each day. This is the best I've done with meds and not drinking so I'm feeling positive.

I appreciate your feedback!

[PaperDolls]

I'm glad you're doing well!
Keep posting.

[Hooner]

I fogot about this radio website - 12 step radio

http://www.12stepradio.com/links.php

Link is on the right - it's pretty good.

[shutterbug]

sounds like things are falling into place. yay.

big hugs,
jenna

[Hooner]

Well, I had my second appointment. It went well. Pdoc was very friendly and nice this time - maybe she was just looking forward to her 2 weeks off. Haha.
She upped my Effexor but I haven't increased the dose yet - still on 3.75 as I was just getting over the nausea, etc. I will increase it though. She gave me more Klonopin also. I am careful with those as they do help me not to drink but I don't want to use them as a subtitute - but gosh they help when the cravings get really hard. I also slipped up and drank - I know I'm not suppose to. I need to start going to meetings and form a support group. The drinking was more of a habit this time as my cravings were gone.

I do feel alot better though and hubby has noticed I'm showering everyday!!! Yippee. So, that's a good sign. I want to get rid of some items in our house but I have such a hard time letting go of things - I definitely need to get rid of some clothes.

[Hooner]

Hi all. Finally an update. I saw a counselor today - which my pscyh. Dr. requires to work a program. I was dreading the appointment just because I didn't want to get into all of the "history" details. It was okay though....just went with the flow. And she told me about 5x everything in my life at the moment any normal person would feel stressed.

I didn't like the Effexor at 7mg...I liked the 3.75mg even though psych Dr. said it's not technically medication at that level. I need to call her Monday and tell her my feelings...maybe I just need to be on the 3.75 a little while longer since I had such bad side effects and was just getting over them when she upped the dose.

I'm also upset with my husband - which doesn't help the whole "get myself healed." We are looking at divorce and I've fought for this marriage for so long and finally I feel like I've given up yet still want to hold on. I know I don't need a man to define me but I've never been single long. Since I was 15 I've had long term relationships and in college I dated - I never have a hard time finding a man. But on that level - I feel I've never gotten comfortable with MYSELF, just being me.

Just talking. I'm kinda upset and have no one to talk to now so I came here. Anyways...that's my journal log.

Hooner

[GailJ]

Hey Hooner, just read your thread through and a lot in common. My reg doc blames everything in drinking and smoking, and I mean everything. The P-doc I saw accepted that drinking was the result (self medicating)of the anx and panic too. Turned out he headed up a rehab in Toronto for years before coming to my area. So no surprize to him.

You didn't mention PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder)in your psychiatric list bty. Might wanna check it out.

Remember p-docs are not therapists, they are medical specialists in diagnosing mental disorders and prescribing meds for those disorders. Therapists help to deal with the emotional roller-coaster that goes along with our disorders and learning how to change and cope with moods and behaviours that go along with them. Realistically, doc, p-doc and therapists should all be involved and communicating for the best treatment. Then again I'm canadian eh and Our Health Care is so much better funded here expense wise.

Check out www.moodgym.com and Living Life to the Full too. Both offer free online cognitive behavioural therapy. Think you'll find both sites really helpfull and professional.

Hope this helps

[Hooner]

Hi all. I'm really anxious now - I begin a --sort of job---don't want to give out too much who I am and I feel very nervous.

Why -
I don't and never have been an 8 am morning person meaning I have to get up 2 hours before that

I don't like wearing dress clothes - give me jeans and t shirt with a pony tail anyday

I guess that's it -- maybe I do need to start looking for a new profession.

[caraway]

Hi Hooner, hope your new 'sort of job' goes well for you.

I like jeans and t shirts/jumpers too - less stressful.

I was so comfortable in my clothes when I was working (in an office) that I sometimes had to check myself to make sure I wasn't still in my pyjamas!

Let us know how you get on!

[GailJ]

Hey Hooner, remember here your just hooner from sunny florida and being honest is essential in healing. There have been posts I've made and regreted, pstd triggered, bing nights in the midst of panick attacks and I've said some really dumb down right "crazy" things. I always appoligized after, even when rereading and being mortified that I could write such things. I have found everyone here very accepting and forgiving, I couldn't of made it this far without soberrecovery. I think because this combines substance recovery with mental health issues and so many of us have had similar things in common. It makes this forum really unique and there are so many links and resources here to help as well. I hope your courage continues to grow in posting here.

Over all honesty helps not only us to know you better and helps you, but you see it to for yourself and can reflect on and work on changing life for the better. Remember too that a big part of anxiety and panick consist of exagerated fears. I know of no safer place than here to confront those fears and have real support in overcoming them.

Take care and hope this helps.