Here's my story - Your thoughts?

[musiclover]

I made this post on another Thread last night but I get the sense that it is more appropriate to have it here.

Well folks, here it goes....

I've really never had an opportunity to talk to anybody in great detail about my problems. I'm the type of guy that hasn't been able to talk in any great detail about my problems and past experiences. This forum really is a great start as at least I can get it out in the open in the cyber world then decide how to deal with it accordingly.

Here's a quick synopsis of my life...... and I'll try not to bore you folks.

-born in 1980 to a middle class american family

-parents divorced in 1987 (never dealt with it or talked about it with ANYBODY)
I was told that this would come back one day and bite me in the keaster and it sure as heck did.

-Got Heavily into drugs in 1994, yes only 14 years old
My drugs of choice were LSD, marijuana, alcohol and whatever else I was able to get my hands on. I really get the sense that I blew out my brains within a 3 year window. I did things that I really wasnt to proud of to feed the addiction. As you can probably imagine, I hurt people who only ever loved me. Even though my family was broken at the time, I knew that my parents would have given their own lives just to save mine.

From the first time that I experimented with LSD, I was hooked. I thought it was too good to be true. How could I go a full out mental trip to another galaxy and all for only $5. What I really didnt realize at the time was that I was just running away from reality and in the process did significant damage to my brain, body and personal relationships.

At 15 years old I was pretty much living on the streets, couch surfing at friends houses and really just avoiding the three potential final outcomes.
1) Jail
2) Death
3) recovery

I was so suicidal at the time that I figured I give myself a few more years, have fun, party and then take my life. It really freaks me out to think that I had a day set, the rope purchased and a suicide letter written. A strange event that I thought I'd mention was that right before this date I went to the lottery retailer and bought 200 quick picks for what I thought to be a one last ditch effort to buy happiness. Well, needless to say I won about 30 dollars off the two hundred tickets, not the multi millions that I was hoping for. It just so happened that my parents shipped me out of town right before the "date" and luckily the plan was aborted.

I never really had to opportunity to deal with any of my problems in any formal setting. Before anyone goes and accuses my parents or poor parenting, they did send me to at least two dozen shrinks. The problem was that I wasn't able to a) identify my issues and b) articulate them in a way that anyone was able to help.

So with the help of my parents and informal house arrest for 14 months. I eventually kicked the drug addiction (or so I thought). Once everything seemed ok to the parentals it almost went back to life as usual. I eventually landed in the rave scene started taking pills and drinking like a fish. Although since this only happened on Saturday nights, I kept telling myself that it was ok, that I had kicked "the addiction" and that it wasnt a problem because i wasnt doing it everyday. This went on for another few years and eventually wiened off of it.

This brings me to the last few 7 years of dealing with massive depression. I have a chemical imballance partially due to the heavy drug use. I've been struggling with this for a long long time and really dont know how to break the cycle. The good news is that I havent done any drugs in about 5 years. The bad news is that I'm not happy.

I still have the odd drink and sometimes binge but again only on weekends. I still think that in the back of my mind I have a problem but really can't get any clarity.
I don't mind sharing with you folks that I'm 27 years old and still live at home. As a side note to that I also wanted to share that I just purchased a property (from 5 years of working hard and saving). I guess the reason why I point that out to you (and myself) is that I consider this an accomplishment. If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would eventually be working in a full time solid job, be able to purchase a property and not be dead. I would have told you that you're nuts.

I guess the reason that Im posting here is so I can potentially get some insight and get this out in the open. Believe it or not, this actually feels really good just to be able to get it out (even if nobody reads it).

So I find my life entering yet another chapter, it went from stuggling with drug and alcohol addiction to severe depression. The thing that I find so strange is that right now my life has never been more focused. I have a job that I really like, I'm moving to a place of my own, I just got out of a long relationship (that was for the best)
But....... for some reason I feel like there has been an explosion in my brain and that I'm scattering to pick up the pieces.

Any help, thoughts, insight would really be much appreciated.

[misslisa]

Hi there, Sounds like your life has been one roller coaster after another. Now your sitting in the cart wondering where all the excitement has gone!. My history was basically alot of avoiding issues as well with drugs and alcohol or bad relationships. But now sober and clean i am still picking up the pieces too. Its an ongoing process and I believe that if we can kick the habits that once had us hand cuffed then we can accomplish much more. Its a matter of finding out what you want. many here in sober recovery find it through there higher power via AA or NA etc. I found it via my saviour Jesus. I guess what I am saying is that you have to fill that void inside with something else.

Read through some threads on here and you will find that your not the only one in this world with those issues.

Take care
misslisa

[historyteach]

Musiclover;

First, welcome to SR!!!
It's a pleasure to get to know you a bit and to have you post such a complete thread, opening up so much. I think it shows how much you are searching for your path to self fullfillment.

It sounds like many things are going very good in your life. Look at how much you have to be grateful for! A great job you love. The end of a bad relationship, meaning the opening up of a new possibility for new ones. Property; an investment in your future! And a focus in your life. That's fantastic!!! :wow:
Have you considered a gratitude journal? Studies show that people who write in a gratitude journal have a happier and more optimistic view of life. That alone might help with some of the depression you are dealing with. There's a forum right here on SR where you can join in on one of the existing threads, or start your own. It's located here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/gratitude-list/

The other things that help me deal with my own issues of depression and anxiety are these:
Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual activities each day. Do something each day in each of these categories to help yourself feel better. I need to take care of myself by eating right and exercising; learning new things, reading, meditating, relaxing, positive reinforcement of myself, progressive relaxation, sleep hygene, prayer, Torah study, whatever it is that I need at the time.

I know when I'm in a bad way, it's diffficult to do all four of these things. So, I force myself to do at least some of them. For example, every night, before bed, I have a cup of tea and some down time prior to bed, in order that I can get some decent sleep. It doesn't always work, but, I up the odds by taking those steps.

I hope these things are helpful to you. And I look forward to getting to know you more as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

[shutterbug]

oh bugger....i typed out a long response and then hit the wrong stink'n button sorry.

basically....you were/are probably self-medicating for a real reason...a reason that needs real medication to do any real help. Addictions run in family lines and mental illness runs RIGHT along side that.

you can do a little detective work of your own and see what might be going on. like you could google "signs and symptoms of mood disorder" and see if anything fits. i can't tell by your post if there are any major mood disturbances going on, but probably so with the substance absues issues...so now that you are off of the substances....look to your moods now and look to how often you "slip" and self-medicate. Those are MAJOR keys to your life puzzle and your happiness.

1. schedule a full diagnostic testing session with a psychologist
2. With the results in hand, go see a psychiatrist for medicine start and management
3. educate yourself about what's affecting your mental happiness

Welcome and hugs,
jenna

[Alive]

Hi..just wanna leave a hug for you...

One of the things i've learned this week is to not repeat the same mistake. I did that for a long time and didn't know why. I had to make a choice if i actually was ready to be happy at last. I think that maybe you're getting that chance to be happy, and i can relate to that feeling of not knowing if we can be happy after so much pain. But it's possible. Grab that chance, that turn of events and give yourself a great life, cuz you deserve it.

take good care!

[barb dwyer]

I didn't see (or don't remember seeing to be more precise) any mention of any support system.

Congratulations on purchasing land -
that's more than I have at almost twice your age....
you are blessed to have such a family circle of support.
But that's not always enough.

[ccirider]

Originally Posted by musiclover

This brings me to the last few 7 years of dealing with massive depression. I have a chemical imballance partially due to the heavy drug use. I've been struggling with this for a long long time and really dont know how to break the cycle. The good news is that I havent done any drugs in about 5 years. The bad news is that I'm not happy.

I still have the odd drink and sometimes binge but again only on weekends. I still think that in the back of my mind I have a problem but really can't get any clarity.
I don't mind sharing with you folks that I'm 27 years old and still live at home. As a side note to that I also wanted to share that I just purchased a property (from 5 years of working hard and saving). I guess the reason why I point that out to you (and myself) is that I consider this an accomplishment. If you would have told me 8 years ago that I would eventually be working in a full time solid job, be able to purchase a property and not be dead. I would have told you that you're nuts.

I guess the reason that Im posting here is so I can potentially get some insight and get this out in the open. Believe it or not, this actually feels really good just to be able to get it out (even if nobody reads it)

You mention that you still have the odd drink and binge only on weekends. Click on the link I have provided and scroll down to the 39 YO w/17 years of weekend abuse of alcohol. Look at what a normal brain scan looks like and compare. Also, look at Hope for Healing Alcohol, Cocaine & Meth On and Off Drugs.


http://amenclinics.com/bp/atlas/ch15.php

Peace.

[reader]

Welcome to Sr, I am so glad u found us. I think the house and u keeping a job is terrific especially after such drug abuse. The one thing u didn't mention, is if u don't mind me asking, are u talking any meds? I take a couple and I do alot better with the self abuse, Such as drinking and drugging. It has been about 17 years for me. We often self medicate with alcohol or drugs to deal with depression. Take care of yourself and chat with ya later.....