starving for attention

[shutterbug]

yep...again i am starving for attention without much energy to give any in return. ...(so i'm beating myself up in the same moment for being a bit narsassistic).

Anyway...i'm really depressed and lonely and needing a boy to pay attention to me. i keep checking my e-mails a 100 times over and just keep getting myself more and more depressed when none have written or replied back.

unwanted, unlovable....how could i NOT be in so much need of some positive attention when i'm feeling like this?

[Hooner]

Hi Shutter,

You sound like me checking e-mails when I'm on a nervous streak or avoiding something (like writing a paper). It's like a gambler waiting for that one that big hit, the one e-mail. I've found I have to close my e-mail and do something else (I have to be on the computer writing) or if I can walk away and watch a tv show or a movie.

I follow your journal but may have missed it - did you ever have a substance abuse problem? My demon is alcohol. Anxiety, racing thoughts, without it nightmares - I've detoxed a bunch of times and am doing much better now.

Anyhow, you are very focused on guys right now for some reason -- I don't know why -- step away an I bet you the rain will fall -- what's that song..."It's raining men, halelujah, it's raining men!"

It goes with the saying, "A pot of water watched never boils."

Kudos to you from Florida!

[shutterbug]

no substance abuse issues in my past (other family members have tho), but i am addicted to cigs and recently developed a gambling addiction. so it is as you say.

i am very focused on guys right now and i don't know how to step away from that inside my head. i sure wish i could!!!!!!!!!! i'd LOVE to go back to that place where i didn't think or care about guys....but of course they didn't rain or even trickle or sprinkle then either. i guess that's why i'm soooo focused on them right now.....i NEED a man!!!! LOL I mean, i don't need need a man, but i neeeeeeed a man. And i'm not one who can handle one night stands or anything without meaning.

Thanks soooooooo much for responding!!!
Thanks for keeping up my journal!!!!!!!!!!!
Why don't you post much? About you i mean?
Since you are in Florida...i have to ask....are you by chance Tena's hubby? lol

[best]

I am a boy (old one but still a boy) Attention Attention...
there is a pretty lady in the house that does great work with cameras and writing.

Always nice to see you about and still working your recovery.

[cinderellawkids]

Jenna, my whole life Ive needed attention from men, and all it brought me was trouble and depression.

I finally, although I want it very much, am at a place where Im treating that need as my addiction, and finding other ways to fill the void. Past several weeks Ive been craving just a mans arms around me, longing obsessing ect. BUt something happend at a bible discussion group and older woman whose likea second mom to me just put her arms around me caringly, and for the first time I realized there is other things to the need, and sometimes its more about just knowing others care. Does that make sense?
I think its similar too, to the way ICU infants do better with more touch and care, its a basic need we all have.

Im a person who loves to isolate, then complains about being lonely sad and depressed, recently from the weirdest sources Ive had people, friends, stop by hang out and Ive been going and doing. It feels so so so strange, I want to run and hide, moments I feel outta control, but I realized something the more Im involved, force myself to do the better I feel, the less down, less lonely, less needy. Theres always moments but I try not to think or dwell on them, and for today...its working

----and other people are onticing the change. As a child I wrotre poetry about being a child behind the scenes, one that noone noticed. 2 weeks ago my kids went to a animal release function. 2 separate newspaper photographers and 1 county photographer were there and in 150 people they all took and used and published photos of me and the kids (and none of other spectators)

[reader]

Hi, I know this maybe off the wall but why not volunteer for some charity, a animal shelter, hospital anything to get u away from the computer. I know the internet is a good way to meet guys but why not try a different approach since u feel that this is not working. Church is a great way to meet people and get out there. Sometimes love finds u in the weirdest places and in the mean time u wouldn't be lonely. Maybe u could even take pics. of the animals and they could get posted in a paper or the local pet shop. That would be a great way to give back. My animals give me so much comfort and I am never alone. It does help, when I am feeling down my dog stares at me constantly, it is kind of creepy but he really senses when I am not feeling good. Do u have a pet? Trust me guys are overrated, I would choose a dog over a man any day..... No offense to u men out there!! Take care of u Jenna, u are one good catch if they don't see it the hell with them~~ Hugs out to u...

[best]

Originally Posted by reader

Trust me guys are overrated, I would choose a dog over a man any day..... No offense to u men out there!!

Dogs can't mow the lawn *LOL*

Get a goat *LOL*

[cinderellawkids]

I have to, but hate to agree with reader, all the men Ive ever been attracted to in the end gave me less and cost me more than my dog.

Best, mowing the lawn is great exercise, its one of those chores some of us love to hate, and you can always pay someone to mow. LOL.

Jenna how are you feeling today?

[splendra]

((((sb))))

Men are great ya know but, so are women. Sex is great too. Our physiology often makes demands that over ride our good judgment.

It is very easy for any woman to get attention from a almost any man.

Anytime we let impulse of any kind become an obsession it creates an imbalance in our system and we will make irrational choices that lead to disastrous situations in our lives. Obsession about anything leads us away from peace.

I know you have some peace inside of you. You owe it to yourself to be at peace go to the peaceful spot, slow down your thoughts, and be gentle with yourself

[shutterbug]

Thanks everyone

Splendra....it is an obsession in a sense that i think about it more than i want, but really it's about normal i think. i only type my thoughts out here b/c that's what i choose to do to releive my emotions and get some feed back too. During the day...when i'm away from the computer...i really don't think about guys that much except the typical...'hey, he's hot' or 'man, i liked that bit of attention'.

the biggest reason why i AM so lonely is because i won't allow myself to go past light flirting with toxic guys in my life. i know they are toxic so i don't put myself in a situation where i have to worry. make sense? In other words....i'm toooooo damn picky!!!!!!!!!! Even about how i flirt!!!

Cinder.....I'm feeling better today. Thank you. And you are right. we can always pay someone to mow lawns.

Reader......not off the wall at all. i've thought about doing some voluteer work, but i'll have to think on it more to make sure its something i'll really enjoy or else i won't go. But i think i've already got a plan lined up for 2 of your suggestions. Church and volunteering. it's too much to explain right now, but i think i'd enjoy it.
And i really don't spend that much time on the computer looking for guys....really none at all...only looking for guys i already know to WRITE me. LOL. same difference, i know.

Best.....

Cinder....

I'm going to have to come back to you both b/c i'm getting sleepy and i have to get to work rather that fall asleep. hugs tho and thanks for your warm and loving responses.

jenna