I don't know if I can carry on fighting

[hippyhippy]

I got admitted and stayed all of three hours! I had a massive panic attack about being away from my kids and decided I needed to go home. Doctors tried to persuade me to stay and my own doc said he thought I just wanted to go home to commit suicide.
I eventually managed to convince them that wasn't my intention and they let me come home. I do however have the home care team coming in every day to observe me.
Apparently they reckon I am rapid cycling, extremely rapidly. They had wanted me in hospital to keep me safe and to observe my fluctuations.
I am thinking of telling them that if I feel no better by monday, I will go in, and stay this time. Even now, I am wishing I had stayed, but I hated it so much. I have been given other meds to help me in the meantime.
Hippy

[shutterbug]

hi hon, i'm soooo sorry to hear how things are going for you right now. i agree with you that if not better by weekend then going back to hospital for safe keeping will be a good idea....or even over the weekend if need be.

when you are having panic attacks....remember to do lots of deep breathing and tell yourself it is ONLY a temporary feeling. The more catastrophic you let it feel or believe the attack to be then the worse it will become. So....even when it doesn't feel like it will be over soon....just take deep breaths and repeat to yourself or silently "This too shall pass" or "It will be over soon". Repeat either over and over and over and it will help calm your system and bring you out of it, but you HAVE to remember to take nice long deep breaths while repeating the words.

love you hon. take care of yourself!

[cinderellawkids]

Your in my thoughts Hippy. HUggs

[Live]

Awwww, hippy, I just checked myself in thro' the ER 8 days ago and spent 7 days in the hospital. I scared myself with my suicidal thinking that I couldn't turn off for 3 days. I can't say everything is all hunky-dory in one week, I am still depressed but not suicidal and have been around the block enough times to know that it is going to take time for the antidepressants to kick in, but when they do I will have a whole different outlook.

[hippyhippy]

thank you for your replies. I am so sorry you are feeling bad too live. I admire your courage for staying in the hospital though.
Bee, I will take your advice on board when I can think about food. At the moment any food makes me feel ill. I can eat but hubby has to prepare it. We don't really eat a lot of processed foods anyway.

I have managed weekend but I still feel like hell. Worse today than yesterday. It is like the words of that song, Robbie Williams I think, "I don't wanna die, but I aint keen on living either"
I am in such a bleak place just now. I have shrink coming out to visit me in an hours time and I just don't know what to say to her for the best.
Am I still thinking about harming myself? Well yes, all the time, but I am not doing anything about it.
Am I taking the meds? Yes, but they terrify me and I may not much longer.
Do I feel safe? Well....no...but I don't want to be in hospital either. But I dont want to be here where I feel so bad either..
I am in such a no win situation.
Hippy

[shutterbug]

Originally Posted by hippyhippy

Am I still thinking about harming myself? Well yes, all the time, but I am not doing anything about it.
Am I taking the meds? Yes, but they terrify me and I may not much longer.
Do I feel safe? Well....no...but I don't want to be in hospital either. But I dont want to be here where I feel so bad either..
I am in such a no win situation.
Hippy

that's EXACTLY what you tell the shrink....even if you have to let them read it off your computer monitor!!!

lov ya,
jenna

[hippyhippy]

Thanks hun

I am now going to see them, as they are finding home calls a bit much with their schedule. I will try to be as honest as I can jenna. I have just taken my morning med and it normally takes the edge off, but it aint touching me this morning.
Hippy
xx