still hanging on barely

[still_me]

I met with a counselor this past week. I have an appt. with the shrink next week but they said if I couldn't make it then I should consider the hospital. I am so ashamed that I don't want anyone in my family to know, so I can't go to the hospital. I can't even say I'm going on vacation for a week or anything. My family is so entertwined with each other that we all know where everyone is at all times. I don't care where they are but I do care for them to know I had to go to the hospital. So, I feel very trapped and hanging by that thread still. I have found that all my "friends" and family just make me so angry right now. I can't stand to be around them but at times can't stand to be at home. THere are only so many places I can go other than friends houses. But if I go there I literally feel like I hate them right now. I want to cry and scream and hurt myself and just tell everyone to take a flying leap yet at the same time if they don't call I get all mad at them cause they must not care.

I NEED to be in the hospital right now. I NEED to be there. I can't be though. I can't go through the family acting like I just need to stop feeling this way or for them to look at me like I'm crazy or they feel sorry for me. It makes me even angrier!

I have to try to hold on til the dr appt. and maybe she can change some meds or something to help me. I know what she will say though. I need to be in the hospital. Please don't tell me to go there cause I can't. I have to try to figure this out and hang til new meds work or something. I just don't know.

[shutterbug]

man i just typed out a long reponse and i'm on sister's puter and somehow wiped it all out. darn it all.

my point was....i know you don't want to hear it, but you know what you need to do for yourself. you know that no one can do the hard steps like this but you. you know that you need this.

my suggestion is to leave them a note that is short and sweet telling them not to worry and that you will be gone for a little while to tend to some things and take care of yourself for a while without any family worries or anything.

but really, my suggestion is to just tell them..."this is what i'm doing, this is why and you can accept it or not. i'm not doing this for you. i'm doing this for me and i know many of you can't/won't understand, but that's not for me to worry about. i need to do what i feel is best for me and my future. it would help tremendously for my family and friends to support me in this decision, but i understand not everyone can do that."

you owe it to yourself to get the help you need. you are worth it and i bet you will be very surprized and relieved to discover how many of your friends and family will support your decision to take care of yourself.

hugs,
jenna

p.s. i know well what it's like to bite people's heads off and to also become upset and angry and sad when they don't call or write me. luckily i've been able to educate my mom enough about my illness so that she understands now that when i start biting into her that it's not me, but rather my bipolar rage coming through my mouth. really....i was scared the first time i went into the hospital too...but my mind had built up a much, much worse picture of my family and friends reactions than what was reality. be kind to yourself and be gentle with yourself and learn to start loving yourself by doing things you know you need.