trying

[nufznuf]

I am trying to find my way back to the confidant, intelligent , head strong person I was just 3 weeks ago.
Now...
I can not stop crying
I feel worthless
I feel like I can not do anything right
I am struggling just to get out of bed

my head hurts most of the time migraines I know

I can do this
I can get back
It will just take time:praying

[shutterbug]

sorry you are going through such a rough time. please know you are not alone. The first time i went through a major depression episode it lasted a year and was accompanied by a horrible sinus infection and bronchitus most of that year. The last major depression lasted 2 years and i was bedridden for about 6 months of it. Now i'm in another one that has been coming on since April and i've admitted myself into a day treatment program that consists mostly of group therapy.

A lot of people in the day treatment program are dealing with this kind of depression. And about 80 percent of those who get to the point of constant fatigue, non-stop crying, hopelessness, poor hygiene (because of the fatigue) are bipolar I or bipolar II. Typically, most don't know they are...and those who have been told they are or suggested they might tend to have a lot of denial about it until they can't deny it any longer. I'd suggest you read up on what it means to be bipolar. You may not be, but chances are high that you might be.

Anyway, I'm guessing you don't have a lot of resources available to you in Alaska, but seeing as how it's dark there for months on end at different times of the year then there's also probably a lot of people who suffer depressions during those months. And often times there is a role in that played by seasonal affective disorder. (SAD for short, quite fitting i think).

welcome to the mental health forum and i hope you find your spirits lifting soon. I told you my story just so you could know you are not alone, but please know that i seem to be a small percentage of people who experience major depressions for more than a month or two....so chances are high that you will be throwing snowballs at friends again soon.

hugs,
jenna

[nufznuf]

Thanks for your response shutterbug.
I had a major depression years ago and I have been ok for years...

Now its just like your smiley face blowing the bubble gum...its smacking me in the face and its all over me and right now I am having a hard time getting it off

my heart knows I am ok and I am not worthless and I am smart and an incredible person.

but my head is all gummed up thinking thoughts I should not be thinking.

perhaps if I keep posting here i will get thru it without having to seek medical help.
we will see. give me some time.

[shutterbug]

yeah, my first major dep. happened in my early 20s and then i was fine for 7 years. (as are most people) and this time there's only been 3.5 years inbetween....which has me VERY frustrated.

yeah, keep posting. it really helps to get things out of our heads that have us all gummed up. i'm extremely thankful for the day treatment program i'm in now....best thing i could do for myself right now. i got lucky and ended up with a totally awsome group therapist/advisor who actually knows much, much, much more than i do....and that's rare so i feel super blessed.

best wishes to you.
keep us updated on your progress when you can.

hugs,
jenna

[Spiritual Seeker]

Do you get season affect disorder (SAD) up there?
Would a medication adjustment be good to investigate?
((((((nufznuf))))))) May you feel a little better ea. day
Sometimes we just have to act "as if"

[historyteach]

(((Nuf)))

Sorry to see you feeling down. When I get into that state, I look at my behaviors. I know I need to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Doing those things daily helps keep me on an even keel. And usually, when I'm not doing well, I discover I'm letting one or more of those areas slide. But, being vigilant in those four areas of my life helps me remain free from medication.

It's often difficult to do these things when we are in the throes of depression. Try to make a committment to do one a day. Then, build up. Start with the easiest. Sometimes, we have to force ourselves to do them, but, force yourself as much as you can. They will have positive results in the end, as difficult as it is.

Having said all that, I wouldn't hesitate to use medication again if I needed it. I need to be very cautious. I am very susciptible to the effects of medication. But, I would use it rather than be stuck in the hell of depression again. Is there some reason you want to remain medication free?

I was also going to mention SAD. Is it the dark time of year for you now?
How's your granddaughter? And your step daughter? Is she doing well, I hope?
Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

Shalom!

[nufznuf]

I had a break down in my Dr's office when I went for an unrelated matter.
I am now on Cymbalta. hope it works.

[historyteach]

We're here for you, Nuf....
Feel free to post about what's going on. Many of us have gone through the same stuff, and can relate and share what has worked.

My thoughts and prayers remain with you as you go through this difficult time.

Shalom!

[Live]

You are definately not alone ((((((hugs)))))

Maybe that breakdown in the Dr's office was the best thing that could have happened.