I need help!!!

[LiLCatuhPiluh]

Hello All!

I know this is a very long post, but I need your help, PLEASE READ!

This is my first ever post here at Sober Recovery. My boyfriend spends a lot of time reading forums on this website. After leaving the page up today I decided to take a look myself. I found this forum for mental health and well I figured it couldn't hurt to seek help here. It seems to be working for a lot of people. I thought if I shared my story, someone might have answers for me. Or at least some sort of help.

I am 20 years-old and I have been severely depressed since I can remember. I think it started at around age 10. My parents divorced. It wasn't the divorce that started it rather the results of the divorce. My father made it very difficult, it took 3 years to become final. I grew up listening to my mother curse my fathers name and everything he'd done to her. I was so unsure of what to believe. When I went to my father's for the weekend he was wonderful to us. Taking us out to do all kinds of things. But my mom always had bad things to say about him. I didn't blame her, I quickly grew to understand her pain. She was a stay at home mom and now she had to go out and find work, enough work to raise four children on her own now, and all she had was a diploma. All my father did was take us from fri-sun, every other weekend. Because of this situation I feel like I missed out on a lot of things as a kid. My older brother moved out, older sister was working too, so I had to help take care of the youngest one. I started my first job when I was 13. To try and make a really long story shorter. My mom became somewhat of an alcoholic. I hate calling her that because she didn't drink everyday. Just on the weekends, and sometimes a day or two during the week. But she got very mean and said things to me I still won't forgive her for. Things a mother should never say to her child no matter what the circumstances are. Once middle school started I didn't want to spend weekends at my dads. I wanted to stay home and play with my friends. Basically at this point of my life I had no parental guidance whatsoever. This was also the time of my first suicide attemp (if you want to call it that, I only cut up my arms, nothing deep enough to even leave scars, but I was 12).

My Mom was always gone and dad was never there. I was left alone, at the beginning of my teenage years, to figure it all out myself. I quickly learned that giving my virginity to a senior as a freshman was a big mistake. I also learned after too much trial and error that if a boy sleeps with you it doesn't mean ****. It just gives you a really bad rep. I had a terrible middle school and high school experience. I was tormented and teased, threatened and bullied. Girls would spread rumors that had no truth to them. I got into drugs and drinking my freshman year of high school as well. Nothing to bad, until my senior year. I pretty much dipped my fingers into anything I could then. Unfortunately Heroin became my drug of choice. As my senior year was spiraling out of control I pulled myself out of it before graduation with the help of my boyfriend of the time. After my first semester of school at home I moved to the University he was at. However, as i grew dependent upon him, he became mean and abusive. I was so lost I wouldn't leave him. Many events and much more detail that is just to lengthy to go into led me to my second attempt to take my life. This time I nearly succeeded. I had slit my wrists again, deep enough this time that i needed stitches. My family found out and everyone flipped. I ditched the boy and started down my road to redemption. My family was showing me so much love and support and it was great.

Let me inform you that throughout all of this I have seen specialists in my schools and counselors in and out of school. I have even been on anti depressants. Nothing has seems to kill the pain. I also lack proper health insurance or any money to keep trying to seek this help, or look into in patient care. Last year my father made up this ridiculous story as to why I could not longer be on his insurance. I no longer speak with my father due to the fact that he has done everything possible not to help me. He does not come to important events, he doesnt show any kind of interest in spending holidays with his children. He only shows interest in his girlfriend and her family. The lack of a decent father in my life has worsened my condition.

The spring after my semester away at school I came into contact randomly with a very old friend. A friend I hadn't seen in about six years. He was a heroin addict now and when I found this out I was so devastated. I'd seen what it can be like, I had been there. I tried to talk him into hanging out sometime, but he was always so hesitant. Eventually I offered to take him to get his dope and he agreed. I also ended up doing it with him. That was the beginning of a nightmare. I did so much dope this past summer I can hardly tell you what else I did. When you get high enough on heroin you forget things, or at least I do. Everything is a blur. But it did something for me nothing else ever did. It made me forget all my pain. It made me numb to my feelings. I just felt so content.

I am proud to say I am practically sober now. After some serious withdrawals and f'ed up situations I realized this wasn't just a quick escape. it was becoming a disgusting habit. I also played the leading role in turning my friends life entirely around. He's been on suboxone for a little while now and doing fantastic. Better than me actually. I am glad to say he is now my current boyfriend and he treats me wonderfully. But it isnt enough to take away the rest of my pain.

I have lost all interest in life. I feel like I am lacking something everyone else has. Something my parents should have given me as a child. Some sort or nurture. I still use drugs. I have hospital bills, and other bills flying out my a**. I go to school full time and work two jobs because I have to pay for everything myself. When I'm not in class or working I'm sleeping. I feel so alone, and so afraid. I often think about giving up again. The only reason I don't is because without me I think my boyfriend would relapse, and I have to help him.

I've helped a lot of people. But I can't help myself.

So I'm looking for help here now.

Somebody help me please!

[historyteach]

You don't say what you want help for.
But, your name and your story suggests that you want help for your suicidal feelings. Here's a link to a starting point:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html (If You Are Feeling Suicidal)
I'm glad you posted. And welcome to SR!

You're life has been difficult, but, look at the things you've overcome! My son is a heroin addict, so, I know how difficult it is to quit using, and you've done it twice. Now, the trick is to stay off. Are you going to NA? Are you working a program at all? Any type of program? Do you have any type of sponsor? Someone you can call when you are feeling "squirrelly" as my son says. That's a start, and it doesn't cost any money.

For your depression, though, there are county mental health centers. They run on a sliding scale, based on your income. As a student, you would probably qualify for low to no payment. Contact your area mental health center, or your local representative for the information on where yours is.
And please let us know how you make out. We care...

I look forward to getting to know you as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

[brighthope]

Hi and welcome to Sober Recovery.

Since you asked for help, I am going to offer my humble opinion, for what it is worth. I am not a professional psychologist, but I have many years of personal experience around mental illness and addiction.

I read your post carefully and you are clearly an intelligent and capable young woman who is experiencing a lot of pain. Sometimes I think it is much harder for the smart, high functioning people who are suffering. Because they are smart, they fully realize all the implications of the cruelty and pain that this world offers.

There was something in your post that made me think about a young woman I know very well. She has borderline personality disorder - the cutting you decribed, and the chaos she lives in constantly, and fear of abandonment is very common with people who suffer from BPD.

I'm not suggesting that applies to you...but it might be worth your while to do a bit of research...

It sounds like your entire family dynamic is very toxic, and a smart, capable, sensitive young person being raised in that environment would for sure have suffered.

You have reached out for help before and you are still living in pain and confusion, and perhaps some anger and rage too (at the neglect and abandonment you continue to suffer from your parents?)

All I can say is, keep up the fight - keep reaching out for help - someway, somehow, someday, you will find what you need to give you the strength to heal.

Keep coming back and keep posting.

Love and hugs

[LiLCatuhPiluh]

I have done research on BPD. I have wondered if maybe I do have it. The problem is help costs. People suggest support groups and free counseling but that can only do so much. And so far it hasn't helped at all.

I promised my family I'd never hurt myself again. The hardest part of doing that was knowing I wasn't sure. I think about it all the time.

Medicine and counseling don't stop the pain though. They don't take away the fact that I strive for a buck to live. That my dad doesn't care about my health, or my existence.

I am currently being threatened to be taken to court because I owe someone $180. I signed a lease with three people and regret it. I am so depressed and I just want to go home, but theres seven months left on my lease, and home isn't much of a home for me.

I'm tired, and I'm tired of being tired. For once I just want someone to take care of me.

[Hooner]

Suicide Doll,

I am not sure what to write but feel the urge to respond. I have been suicidal and know what the feeling is like, however, I am so happy to be alive now. One year ago I planned my date, Nov. 14, 2006 - that would be it. I am happy to say it never took and when that date recently passed I thought of everything I would have missed had I taken my life that day 300+ days ago. It wasn't worth it!
I have alot more living to do! And, so do you.

Look at all of your strong qualities. You are obviously smart, responsible, caring and I'm sure there are many more. Teenage years are difficult for everyone. Kids are cruel. As for your dad - I know it hurts but he has to own it. His actions have nothing to do with you or who you are.

As for the court and lease - it sounds as though there is alot of drama in your life with the recent heroin use and the friends you have chosen in the past. It is great that you have been able to remain clean by yourself (another strength) however, you seem very responsible -- so I'm sure you will figure out a responsible solution.

As for county help -- I've been there and they're all slackers -- at least what I've seen. It's not worth it or maybe I'm just too smart for my own good. I end up telling them what to do in a session. I oftentimes think I have BPD but I also drink -- when I'm able to stay sober -- life goes alot smoother. And just taking moments out for myself to drink some hot tea and read a short passage make a world of difference.

Hang in there -- you're only 20! Your life is just beginning and you've already been through so much. I'm rooting for you here in FL.

[LiLCatuhPiluh]

I don't feel like I have a lot more living to do. I feel like I'm already dead. What am I suppose to keep fighting for? It's been 10 years of hell. Is there a point when enough is enough? What amount of pain is too much?

[shutterbug]

Ever thought about ECT?

Believe it or not, but most people don't realize that it is the safest and most effective solution to depression. It has around a 90 percent success rate at releaving depression compared to around 40 percent with meds and talk therapy.

I currently don't have the brain power to read everything to see if you mention issurance, but you might have a hard time getting it done without insurance. BUT i'd suggest getting in touch with your state's NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illnes) and seeing what resources there are available to you www.nami.org and also DBSA (Depression/Bipolar Suport Alliance) at www.dbsalliance.org.

Never know what might be already in place for people in your situation to get much needed support in your state.

hugs,
and welcome,
jenna

[Done_With_It]

I have lost all interest in life. I feel like I am lacking something everyone else has. Something my parents should have given me as a child. Some sort or nurture. I still use drugs.

What kind of drugs are you still using? If you don't mind me asking...

Welcome to SR!!

[crazybabie]

Please know that you are not alone. I have had very similar experiences. My parents divorced when i was seven. Mom taught us that my dad left"US"..because he loved another woman and not "us" (her words) Mom met an man and remarried in 3 months. He beat my mom and my little brother. (he was 2 years younger than me)He never hit me.

We rarely saw my dad....My mom gave birth to, 2 more kids. One which she traded for a car. By age 9 I was running down the road screaming I don't want to die. Several times a week I have been told. Noone ever took me for help. My mom eventually shot the man she married he died 24 hours later. mom went to prison for 2 years. My entire life was in a mess then. by the way..myself and my oldest brother saw the shooting.

We had to move in with the man we had been told didn't love us and his wife. We hated that due to what our mom had taught us. I never saw my two youngest brothers again. they we adopted after mom shot their dad.

I eventually moved back in with mom...awful things happened. then she met and married a 19 year old. (I was 14) I left town met my hubby about 6 months later I liked 2 weeks being 15. been with him every since. I was a cutter.

After my third child I was Dx with post partum,,,,then panic attacks with agoraphobia. then bipolar then BPD.

I always felt empty...I felt my parents didn't do as parents should. After I had my own kids I felt this way even more. it has taken me years of therapy to finally realize that people are all different. i am still confused and I am 42.

My parents did the best they could with what they had and who they were.
There are times I still think how could they..why didn't they. I am constantly told the past is the past..however I have always felt that if my past is affecting my present it isan't past.(if that makes sense)

Eventually I learned to moved on and not let my parents treatment of me keep me their victim.

I have been through so many meds,,,we had to change them untill i got sick of trying...but I kept on.

I hope you are seeking treatment. You have alot going for you.....you are making something of yourself with very little guidance. You should be proud of yourself.

i do know how that wanting dad feels. i often try to "please" in my words my father..thinking if I do enough etc.... Then thinking what did I do wrong for them not to love me. I battle still after years of therapy...

Please know you didn't do anything......Although the drugs may numb you..what about after? The same issues are there and other problems to go with them.

That void can only truely be filled by YOU...

is there a local mental health center in your town? If so most of them have sliding scale fees....if ever you need to talk ..please email me.

Hugs, Angie

[Morning Glory]

I feel like I'm already dead.

This is the symptom of depression I get when my depression gets to low. I feel as if it's dark and I feel like I'm somewhere in between life and death and I wouldn't even know if I died. I feel invisible. This is depression and it's treatable. When my depression gets to this point I know I need to seek help. It's the kind of depression that is very hard to pull myself out of.

I also went through 10 years of hell before the age of 20 and received no nurturing as a child. Then when I was 22 I lost my husband to suicide. Then came the panic attacks and severe pain. I made it through. I had a very limited understanding of life when I was in my 20's. There is so much more to know than you know now. If you can get through this a day at a time life will open up to you. You will find your purpose that makes life worth living.

Don't give up just yet. I never stopped seeking help. The help I received did not come all at once. It came in small steps. Please reach out for help and find someone who can help you get out of this dark place. Sometimes we need to borrow someone else's strength until we can regain our own.

Hugs,
MG

[LiLCatuhPiluh]

Originally Posted by crazybabie

I am constantly told the past is the past..however I have always felt that if my past is affecting my present it isan't past.(if that makes sense)

That is exactly how I feel. I try so hard to look at the past as a learning experience and to grow from it all, as though I got to see first hand what not to do. Sometimes I even think this was all meant for me, all this misery, because with all my misery came all the experience. There are a few people in this world who would tell you I am capable of changing or saving lives. There are a few people who would claim I saved or changed theirs. But I can't save mine.

I have done a lot of research on this Borderline Personality Disorder. It fits me so accurately (or so i think) that it makes me sick. I use to sleep with guys very easily, and I never understood why. There were numerous occasions when I did not want to do it at all but for some reason I just went along with it, and later I felt disgusting. When I read that it was common for someone with BPD to act on impulse, especially when it comes to sex, and drugs (two things I know too well), it made more sense. The list of supposedly "criteria" for BPD put a lot of things into perspective for me, made a lot of sense of things that didn't make sense before. But how do you go about really finding out if you do you a disorder like that? I don't want to be disordered.

I really do have a good head, or heart, or something. Somewhere inside of me, amongst me, are good intentions. Somewhere there is this really smart girl who is proud to have busted her ass working since she was thirteen, while being placed in advanced classes, and managed to get herself anything and everything she wants. But on the surface is the little girl who never got a chance to live. A little girl who never really got to be a little girl.

I use to want to be a writer. I have a a lot of journals and poetry and pieces of work and I so proud of. I wanted to write away my pain so that one day, someone walking in my shoes could pick up a book I wrote, and gain insight on how I made it and how they can make it too. But now I can't bare picking up a pen anymore. I use to write when I was real low, on those real bad days. Now the bad days are so bad I can't even write.

I've been getting worse too. I have these migraines that keep coming on, and I haven't been able to sleep. I skip a lot of classes lately because I am so tired. I just lay around in bed. I use all my energy to work a few days a week. My dope habit is coming back more frequently. I have been using one-two times a week for the passed 3. Not this week though. But probably next. (OH! and to answer your question Done-with-It, I use heroin. Nothing else, not even alcohol) I don't really enjoy it so much anymore, but when I do it, I get up and go out and move around. I use to have a decent body, didn't really know how but last spring pounds just kind of flew off. I ate, but I guess I didn't eat much. It made me happy though, I had a great body now, real great. Made me feel real good. Then I doubled what I dropped and put that back on. All I keep thinking is whats next?

I keep thinking my boyfriend (who is amazing) is going to leave me because I am so miserable and I hate the way I look now. I use to look pretty and wholesome. Now i look dead.


Christmas is around the corner too and I haven't a dollar to buy a single gift. Buying the gifts means more to me than getting them. I can't buy anything this year.

[Hooner]

Suicide, I can relate to your post. Have you thought of making gifts? There are some great ideas online - like cookies in a jar (layer flour, sugar, cocoa, etc and include a recipe - under $20 can make about 15 + of these), cakes in a jar, or just bake some cookies of different kinds, special cards personally made (construction paper and magaizine cut outs / dried flowers), bath soaks (ipsome salt (I believe under $5 at any store and you get a bunch) add some drops of good smelling oil (about $5 - and you will have many gifts depending on how many jars you have and how small they are), some jars from a thrift store or dollar store and maybe a pretty sticker - my grandma did this one year and it was so meaningful - I now use the jar in my bathroom for other items).

With that said, thirft store, garage / yard sales. A nice poem in a frame ($1 store). Look around online.

Just wanted to put it out there that the holidays don't have to be about retail stores. Things can be homemade. Wishing you the best and glad you are here!

[Hooner]

P.S. - If it's for your boyfriend and you love him -- For our last anniversary I found online 100 ways to say I love you in different languages. I printed them all out with the origin beside, on nice paper and framed it -- He loved it and now we have new goals of where we want to travel! I added a little note with it (typed in) that stated how much I love him and want to expand our lives together - the world is ours!

[brighthope]

Originally Posted by SuicideDoll

I have done a lot of research on this Borderline Personality Disorder. It fits me so accurately (or so i think) that it makes me sick. ....The list of supposedly "criteria" for BPD put a lot of things into perspective for me, made a lot of sense of things that didn't make sense before. But how do you go about really finding out if you do you a disorder like that? I don't want to be disordered.

I really do have a good head, or heart, or something. Somewhere inside of me, amongst me, are good intentions. Somewhere there is this really smart girl who is proud to have busted her ass working since she was thirteen, while being placed in advanced classes, and managed to get herself anything and everything she wants. But on the surface is the little girl who never got a chance to live. A little girl who never really got to be a little girl.

I don't know whether or not you have Borderline personality disorder - it is a very controversial diagnosis, and if you suspect you might have it, then it is really important to gather a lot of information. It is possible that any therapist you see might not be too familiar with the diagnosis so you need to choose a therapist very carefully...

What is really important is to make sure you get the most up-to-date information as a lot of older research form years ago will suggest that Borderline personality disorder cannot be treated. Recent finding offer a lot more hope, but you really need to 1. gather recent, high quality information and 2. Find the right therapist.

In the meantime, here's a bit of information.

This is a very popular website with information for loved ones and family members of people with BPD, but people with BPD also find the site useful.


http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php

There is a free 4 page handout you can get there (a pdf file you can click on and read) called

"I Hate You - Don't Leave Me"
When your Partner / Family Member has Borderline Personality Disorder
by Randi Kreger

You are smart and you have amazing potential. You are going through really dark times right now but you can heal your life and learn to feel better all the time.

[LiLCatuhPiluh]

I'm gonna go crazy!!! I'm getting to that point again. I just want to quit. I try so hard to accomplish things and every time I get my hopes up, it all goes wrong. I haven't been able to see a doctor in awhile due to insurance reasons. So I finally got on Medicaid. I had to wait till Dec. 1st to use it though. The 1st was a Saturday, so on that Monday, the 3rd, I made an appointment immediately. WOHOOO....I got an appointment for the very next day. I was so excited. There was actually hope. They wrote me a script for wellbutrin and referred me to a psychologist. After my appointment I went to fill my script only to find that I COULDNT!!!! Because I have Medicaid and Medicaid sucks, I needed some prior-authorization bullshit. Basically the pharmacy contacts the doc, the doc calls the health care company, the health care company says ok, calls the pharmacy and WHA LAA!.....NOT QUITE. I was told to wait 3 days, I waited, I called, no luck yet. I waited some more. I called. No luck. I waited some more, but now I was pissed. I called and got really stern with them. I NEED THIS MEDICATION I told them. Well long story short its been nine days since I got the script and they still keep dicking me around. These people are doctors, they are suppose to want to help you.

AHHHH!!
I cut myself the other day,for the first time in awhile. I miss it. I never understood it. I had friends who did it and I just thought they were crazy. But its insane how good the pain feels. It's on my thy, and I have been hiding it from my boyfriend. We don't keep anything from one another, but I can't tell him, but if he finds out he'll be so upset, especially because I didn't tell him. Besides I can't risk him taking the razor. I might need it again.

I feel so alone. I'm not alone from the worlds view. I have a boyfriend, siblings, some friends, whatever. But I feel like no one understands me. Everyone's always, you gotta let it go, you gotta stop stressing, don''t worry about it, move on...etc, etc. But NO ONE has any idea what its like to have no control over your mind and your emotions. I can sit in a room full of people who love the hell out me and feel more alone than anyone in the world.


I wish I could get high right now. But I'm on the west side of the state and the drugs are on the east. It's not the answer anyhow.

If we can choose to live, why can't we choose to die?\

[Hooner]

Suicide Doll,

We are all here for you. One thing I suggest is posting here more often, I haven't seen you around in awhile.

As for the cutting, I was cutter - but it's no solution. Yes, it is relief, but it's temporary and then you have to worry about hiding the scars and scabs.

I know it is very difficult especially when people don't understand and you're dealing with not the motivated people in the government reception areas BUT YOU just have to stay on it.

You have to fight!!!!!

You've come a long way and most people will never know what it's like to fight heroin addiction and cutting. I've had to fight and still fight......I won't give up, I use that energy I spent on finding drugs to finding help and then I become passive agressive.....and aggressive at times because I feel no one understands.....but it's okay (well, not fully, I learn from my mistakes...I'm just saying people feel that way at times). You're not the only one to go through this, you're not alone, many people have. You're not unique----we support one another and get through. You will make it! And, to restate what I stated previously, it's great to FINALLY hear from you again.

Post more often. Share. Your sharing can help another person.

[pedagogue]

Originally Posted by SuicideDoll

Besides I can't risk him taking the razor. I might need it again.

*scratches head*

Which is more important to you, your b/f or the razor?

Either way, I'd strongly suggest telling your b/f and/or your doctor that you need some support ASAP. People aren't mind-readers, trust me...I've tried, and all I got was *lalalalalalalala*. Seriously though, you need to talk with someone.