Any advice welcome...

[spedteach]

Hi, I am dealing with my husband who is diagnosed depressed and also an alcoholic. He has been on and off meds for the last 1 1/2 years. He was using wellbutrin 150mg 2xs a day. When he was on his meds, he was like a completely different person then he is off of them. He is so lethargic, misses work, sleeps a lot, spends no time with me or our son. This usually lasts a couple of days...he also will go back to drinking when he's off his meds...that is what usually triggers his crash into his depression.

We've talked about what to do about our situation and he says he doesn't feel any differently on the meds and then he says he notices more highs then lows. He stops taking the meds when he starts to feel a little better (he has never stayed on meds for more then 1 month) and the cycle continues.

I am not well versed in depression, admittedly. I've learned a lot about alcoholism and I know detachment with love is best for me and him....however, is it the same with depression?? Do I let him sit there and flounder?? Do I try to help him out of this depression?? Do I go to the dr. with him?? Do I keep encouraging dr and meds?? He is at the point that if he doesn't do something and have a plan TODAY he could lose his job...if that happens, it could push him into a further depression, it will kill us financially, could push him further into drinking and honestly, destroy our marriage.....do I do nothing??

I am asking here because I think that someone that has dealt with depression can better understand what he is going through and offer me advice on how to deal with it. Sorry if I offended anyone or for posting here if I shouldnt have!

Thanks!

[2stop]

You haven't offended anyone at all, I just wish I could tell you the magical cure for this. I know for myself all the years I used/drank the anti-depressants would never do much good, and I always had problems with side effects and I hated the "zone feeling" I would get from them. You mentioned he's never taken them longer than a month? It can take 6-8 weeks for the full effect to take over. This is a real difficult situation for you. I can imagine he gets defensive if you mention doctors and medicine, my advice would be to keep working your recovery...he will have to take the steps to get this under control. I really wish I could give more advice, just keep taking good care of yourself. I'll have you in my thoughts and prayers.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie

[Allie Katz]

Hi Sped

I sympathize with your situation regarding your husband and his severe depression. Our 21 year old daughter is going through the same thing. To make matters worse, she's coming off of rapid detox for heroin addiction. Needless to say, we were devastated to learn this. We thought we did everything right as parents. Good schools, loving home, church on Sundays. I've beat myself up a million times wondering how I failed her.

Her depression started around the age of 12, about the time most girls have problems with self esteem. We've spent so much of our time, resources and money trying to help her but to no avail. When she finally came to us and told us she'd been using drugs for the past 8 months, it was like our world collapsed.

Since her detox a month ago, her psychiatrist has prescribed Wellbutrin twice a day. One of our main problems is getting her to take the medication. I don't know if she's lazy, forgetful or both but my husband and I have to make sure she takes it. She's only been on the Wellbutrin for 3 weeks and it does take a while before you will see any positive effects so it's critical that anyone taking an antidepressant stick with the program. I think that's why so many fail because of the length of time involved. You just can't get immediate results so a lot of people think it's not working and give up hope.

I understand how frustrating it is for you dealing with your husband in this situation. You want so much to help him but the reality is, he's got to want to get better. With my daughter, I alternate between wanting to "fix" everything wrong with her and then getting frustrated that she isn't trying to take a more pro-active role in her recovery.

It's beyond painful watching a loved one heading on a course for disaster. I live with it every day of my life and it's beginning to affect my own mental health. I met with her psychiatrist right after her rapid detox and plan on meeting him again next week. I'm wondering if perhaps there isn't some additional medication that might be helpful in addition to the Wellbutrin. She suffers horribly with panic and anxiety attacks which are made worse because she's coming off a drug addiction. My fear is that she will return to drugs if we can't get her depression under control.

Sorry this letter was so long and even sorrier that I have no easy answers for you. I do think it's important that you also meet with your husband's doctor so you have a clear understanding of a diagnosis and suggestions on how you can help. If nothing else, you need to take care of yourself because no matter what happens with your husband, you need to be strong for your family and children.

If you'd like to chat privately, you can email me at AllieKatz@aol.com.

God bless

[C61]

Dear Spedteach,

I know you need advice, but there is probably no good answer to what you are facing. I know because you husband and I have a very similar problem. I have severe clinical depression which is inherited. I nor anyone else did anything to cause it. I medicated myself with alcohol for over 30 years. For the last ten of those I also took anti-depressants.

Finally a little over four months ago I had enough and my wife had enough. I spent a week in a dual diagnonsis center and another week in a alcohol treatment progaram. I have been sober since with very little difficulty. My meds have finally had a chance to work and about 80% of the time I feel what I consider normal. The rest of the time, like today for no reason, I am takings those first steps into the pit, but the meds without the booze so far have kept me from going to far down.

There are two things that I might help. First, he was not taking a high dosage of meds. I take Wellbutrin 100's twice a day pluse the maximum dose of another antidepressant and an anti-anxiety drug. Possibly if he would see the doctor and get an increase or a different type and take it, that might help.

Second, if his primary problem is depression, he needs to make sure that no matter where he turns to for help that that the doctor, the center, or the group recognizes that people have these types of problems and need meds. Getting involved with someone who believes quitting drinking will solve his problem can be very dangerous.

I wish you and your husband the best.

Clark

[Allie Katz]

Dear Clark

You mentioned that you take another antidepressant besides the Wellbutrin plus an anti-anxiety medication. Would you mind telling me the names of those drugs? My daughter just started taking Wellbutrin but she also suffers with anxiety and panic attacks so I'm wondering if her doctor should also include a medication for that as well? I've heard many people need more than one antidepressant since one medication doesn't usually take care of all a person's symptons.

Thanks....Allie

[C61]

Allie,

I take 375 mg of Effexor per day. That is a different type of anti-dep. It works in a different way. I have been on it for about five years. I only started the Wellbutrin when I went through treatment. The anti-anxiety drug is an old one. It is buspar. I never had panic attacks, but was a constant worrier. It seems to help with that. I have no significant side effects with any of these meds.

I hope you daughter does well. Getting the right medication is very important and often takes a long time.

Clark

[Allie Katz]

Dear Clark

Thanks for responding so quickly. I know what you mean taking time to find the right balance of medications. Additionally, you have to wait so long before you even know if the medication is going to work and in the meantime, it seems like you lose so much ground. Additionally, even though our daughter is 21, we feel like she's a 2 year old insofar as getting her to actually take her medication. If I don't physically hand it to her, she'll forget. It just doesn't seem to be at the top of her priority list and it's very frustrating for us.

Her depression has caused a total lack of motivation on her part and we feel so helpless watching her flounder with her life. She's got another appointment with her psychiatrist on Friday and this time, I'm going with her. I've simply got to get some answers!

Anyway, thanks again for your input.

Allie

[C61]

Allie,

Lack of motivation and forgetfulness is just part of it. I had a bad day yesterday. I woke up about 1:00 this morning and my wife asked me if I had taken my night meds. I had forgotten. Keep in mind this is someone who is mature, sober, and most of the time seems to be dealing with depression effectively.

I am much better today. It's like I am a different person.

Clark

[Allie Katz]

Hi Clark

Glad to hear you're having a better day today. With our daughter, there are no "good days and bad days". It's always a bad day and if she's lucky, a few good "moments" in between. I fear that her father and I have perhaps made her life too easy and that part of the reason she tends to be lazy and unmotivated is because we've been too much of a safety net for her all along. On the other hand, if we cut her loose, she's ill prepared to take care of herself, won't take her medication and worst of all, may start reabusing drugs again. I just don't know what to do for this child. I keep hoping and praying that one day, she'll finally get it and make an effort to turn her life around or maybe I'm just fooling myself.

[C61]

Allie,

If she is truly clinically depressed she is going to be lazy and unmotivated. That is part of the disorder. You did not cause it and you can not fix it. If she gets on meds and stays off drugs, then you can determine how well you did bringing her up.

Clark

[liveweyerd]

That kind of depression is hell. I know. It is my constant companion. I must take anti-depressants every day and probably for the rest of my life. Without them, nothing I do or don't do saves me from walking death in life. I can't think my way out of it, I can't just "do the right things" and be better. I have a mental illness and that is a hard thing to accept in oneself. But, as my doctor explains it is a chemical problem like diabetes is a chemical problem. It takes a long time for the anti-depressant to stabilize and begin working in me....over 8 weeks....and if I am so ill I don't take them, I hope someone who loves me will make sure I do, and when I feel well again I am so grateful to feel alive and normal I don't ever want to go through the hell of that sickness again and I make sure I take them. My mind doesn't work right and responsibly when I am ill. I do need help then. And I know better than to think I am okay now and stop taking them. How do I know that....everytime I have done that I get sick again...and every bout of illness is harder and deeper.... So after some time of coping and not coping with this, I know what I must do and I no longer fight the idea of needing this drug to be normal and well. I desparately do not want to go through the pain of the illness again, especially knowing that if I allow myself to go there, it will take weeks of limbo hell until the meds work. I can't put myself through that again!!!! I don't think I could survive it.

[truelearn]

Depression is suppression of conflict. Medication only paints over it with a seeming colorful solution. When the paint fades, the conflict begins to show itself again.

The conflict that is not healed will recur, again and again. It is suppression of misdirected power.

The Medication one needs is within the application of the principles of the Steps.

Those who perceive the depression of ANOTHER have projected their depression ONTO the other. When one deals with her OWN depression, then those one perceives as depressed will begin to get well.

A demonstration of one's OWN need for inner healing is the only sane solution. This has been my experience.

Is this of interest to you?

[Allie Katz]

I have absolutely no clue what your post meant. It was very ambiguous and vague. Depression is very real and millions of people have a chemical imbalance. To suggest that these people can heal themselves without the aid of medical support is very irresponsible and non productive to those people who rely on medication for their very survival and ability to function. Sounds to me like your "Steps" program is just another gimmick!

[truelearn]

Medication is an alternative to recovery. It is synthetic, not authentic, and there is a price to pay - the price of the prescription. Healing, on the other hand charges nothing, because it comes from Mercy.


Sounds to me like your recovery is founded in fear. How can you conclude anything about my recovery if my words are ambiguous? You are full of contradiction. Medication will do that to you. It is obvious you are not ready for a sane mind. You are too full of bitterness. Why not try going back and discover how to RECEIVE Step One?



Peace.
David

[Allie Katz]

This has to be one of the most ridiculous posts ever. What is clear to me is that your thinking is terribly muddled and you make erroneous assumptions about me. I am not on medication, do not need to be on medication and do not suffer from depression.

I don't know what your problem is but I suggest you "think" before you type.

Thanks for the laughs

[truelearn]

Do you not see you are all drug addicts? How can you purport to be with a sound mind?

Why not try receiving the Steps for a start?

[truelearn]

Medication takes many forms. For you it is smily faces. Get real, will you, alley cat?

[C61]

Truelearn,

Isn't that an ironic name that you have chosen. It seems to me that anyone that has been sober as long as you have and has written on the subject should have learned a little something about those of us that Bill W referred to as those "who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders."
You are a true living example of why AA and other 12 step programs do not work for many of us. You deny that we have a problem other than chemical dependency. To say we are legalized drug addicts is nothing more than ignorance. Have you ever stopped to consider how many people like me with depression or some other type of inherited problem have come to AA asking for help and told that all they needed to do was to work the steps and have faith in a higher power. I know of one who stayed sober for 15 years but still took his life when medication would have given him a chance to live. I know of another who almost followed that path. That second person is me. By the way you do know that Bill W. was on medication several years before his death didn't you
Truelearn before you start giving people like me advice why don't you learn what the true nature of our problems are and what helps us. I also wish you could truly learn what hell it is to be so depressed that you do not want to live anymore.
You are doing much more harm than good.