suicidal...but not really?????

[hippyhippy]

Help me please, those of you who know me know I am BP, but struggling to understand it.

I have these thoughts of suicide. I plan it etc etc but have never really done anything that bad. A minor od and a wade in the resevoir at night.

However, I get obsessed with the idea. Today I drove up to the resevoir (my place) and I made up a 'suicide bottle' I took all of my meds that I have been prescribed and am not any more and popped them all out of their blister packs into an old vitamin pill bottle. There are hundreds of them but to be honest I don't know how strong my intentions of taking them were, when I got a text from a very good friend. It seemed she wasn't feeling too good either so I abandoned my ploy in the hope I could make her feel better
I do not know if I would have. I felt terribly upset at the time. yet now, I don't feel sad, I don't feel depressed but I wanted to take those pills. Don't ask me why....I just did. I have been obsessed with the idea for ages.Maybe I never would have but the thought was there and the thought of taking them out of their blister packs (blister packs seem too fussy for suicide) and putting them in a bottle to hide in my car has been there for ages, but today was the first time I have done it. it feels a step nearer. I am not scared by this, I am not worried. It just is. In fact, I feel triumphant that I now have them in the car 'ready' for whenever I choose....but I don't really want to die but I want to take those pills which would inevitably kill me.
If I carry on being all over the place with pills then what is the point?

What is happening to me? I can't phone shrink and say I feel suicidal, I don't, but I do........help me understand this please.

hippy

[Alive]

Hey I know exactly that feeling..

I don't know you but I know you're worth living..I am sure there are things you still want to do with life..Me and friend were talking about that last night.

You COUNT! You ARE LOVED! even if it's in a website..!


I am a human being telling you i feel your pain..I do the same..Question is: You probably don't want to die, you want the pain to end..it can.if you want...it might take time for the meds to kick in, but it can..

Love, Karim

Depression paints a very dark picture...remember that!

[historyteach]

Hippy;

First of all, yes. You CAN call your doctor and tell EXACTLY what you've done.

What you have done is created a plan.
That's a dangerous step.
Please do call someone NOW.

You now have the means and a plan.
You are now in a medically DANGEROUS situation.
Please call someone NOW!

The next time, someone may not text you just in the nick of time!

The second thing to notice, AFTER you've made the call, is this.
You wanted to help someone.
That helping behavior made you feel better.
Hmmm.....
Ever think about that?
Getting outside of ourselves works!

You're in a very dangerous situation now, and need professional help.
Please contact your doctor and make a plan for your safty and long term plan to keep you feeling good about yourself.

Let us know how it's going...

Shalom!

[PaperDolls]

You have to be completely honest with your doctor. Tell him/her exactly what you've typed here. Or even print it out and had it over it that would be easy. I don't know what meds you're on but it's possible they can be part of the cause.

We need you here. You've come a long way since you first started posting here. You matter and are needed.

Call your doctor.

[hippyhippy]

phoned shrink. he will see me tomorrow after my group.
he is really angry.
hippy
xx

[PaperDolls]

Well, he shouldn't be angry with you. You did what you should do. Call him when you need help.

Even though it's tough right now, honestly is going to help get you better in the long run.

[shutterbug]

i don't understand why he is angry either??
i guess sometimes docs feel like failures when their patients get to these kinds of places in our lives??? but angry at you he shouldn't be.

i'm right here with you...going through the same thing too...i think Karim is also. that's three of us...all feeling alone...all feeling the pain is too much.

i'm sorry to know that at least 2 others are feeling this kind of pain, but SO thankful to have you both here because this way i don't feel so alone in my pain and thoughts.

thank you hippy....i need you...please don't go anywhere!

[Done_With_It]

I am glad that you called. I have made those 'suicidal' bottles many times. Please bring what you have in with you when you go, that's what I ended up having to do many times.

You may not think your suicidal, but I've learned like Teach said, that, that is a
Plan, and that is or can be worse than being suicidal, it's almost like being past
suicidal for some people.

Maybe your judgement is a little clouded and what you heard was concern and not anger from him?? I used to always think everyone was mad at me when I was playing with my life, they may have been but what I heard was more concern that I took for anger.


Please keep us posted, we do care very much.. (((...)))
And don't forget to bring him your suicidal bottles, very important to let him help you decide what to do with those.

[shutterbug]

wonderful idea DWI!!!

[historyteach]

Great post, Done!
Thanks!

And, Hippy,
So what if he's angry? Let him be.
Then, let him help you.
And if he cannot, you know to look for someone who can.

You've just done a wonderful thing, and I am so DANMNED proud of you!!!
Keep up the good work, one day at a time.
You are loved, needed and worthy...


Shalom, friend...shalom!

[GailJ]

Ah Hippy, you know your loved you know you matter. What else can I say that the others havn't except what do you think triggered you into this situation. Side effects from the new meds, fight with hub, kids or friends, bad weekend away. Frustrated with yourself? Please think about it and let us know.

[hippyhippy]

thank you all.

i think shrink was angry initially as he misunderstood and thought I had been stockpiling all my meds, not just the prescriptions that were no longer valid so he thought I had been lying to him for months. When he realised I had been taking my meds he calmed down and said he was basically worried I would kill myself and not live to regret it. he extracteda promise from me that I would bin the tablets, but that seesm too hard. I did promise though.

I am terrified of what today will bring.

Thank you for being here, all of you.

Hippy

[shutterbug]

that makes sense. glad he calmed down.

.....the pills, you know you won't be safe as long as you have them around...right?

can you think of a way to make yourself flush them down the toilet???? have you told any of your family or friends?

i'm worried about you dear one!

[PaperDolls]

((((hippy)))))


I'm so glad you're here. Keep posting. Everyday. Tell us how you feel. We're here to listen.

[hippyhippy]

Ok, ok,
here goes.
told them so much at group but therapist was getting ratty as I was making them more uptight by not telling them the rest. So I told all. It brought a major silence to the room for a long time.
I asked therapist if she would go to shrink with me and she did.
I went to shrink and after much talk, I told him I wanted him to make the decision, I wanted him to take control. So he asked if I trusted him and I said 'yes....kind of' so he said he wants me to have depot injections. Due to my suicide risk and non compliance. i agreed to research and make decision by end of today.
He asked me if I had thrown away the pills and I told him no. He asked where they were and I said in the car so he said "go and get them now please" I thought he was joking but he wasn't. So I fetched them and gave them to him.
Anyway, on my absence he and therapist had a talk...as you would expect. Guess what? he didn't even know about referral to social services! He thought when I spoke about it it was a self referral. So he is going to do something about that.

Then....I phoned in sick for work this week and I am going to ask for a line for next week.
then.....
the nurse came to the house and she was so nice. so so so nice and she told me that she herself had had mental health problems and didn't realise it even though she was working in the field.
She was so explanatory and so nice and said that when she sees me again we will get a chance to talk about BP and stuff and it seems she is going to be a support rather than just someone who jags me and leaves. She said that while shrinks are good and stuff they just dont have time to be a support, so I get the feeling she is going to be the suppoort I have been needing for so so long.
I feel so positive and weirdly, so clean. I know that sounds bizarre but it is mty head that is so clear and with the pills gone I feel I have laid that fantasy to rest. I feel someone is finally beginning to understand me and I don't think I have any more secrets to divulge.
i feel so positive. I really really do.
Long may it last though eh?

Hippy
xxx

[shutterbug]

oh...that is SO wonderful to hear!!!!!!! i'm super glad you don't have those pills any more...and the nurse coming over is awsome! i wish i had had someone like that during my last major episode.

oh it seems like so much is coming together for you now. i am so thankful...and see....might now have happened if you hadn't 'told all'!!! it's more than just cathardic to spill the beans on ourselves sometimes.

yay!!!!

i really and glad to hear all of this....really, really glad!!!!!

and the time off work should help too!

now....what are depot injections??????

[PaperDolls]

I'm seriously jumping up and down for joy. I'm so so happy for you hippy!

As you work through this, you will become such an inspiration to people in similar situations.

Now.....just like Jenna said........what are depot injections?!

[hippyhippy]

depot injections are injections that are given into the muscle. I don't know if this is the case for every drug, but mine is an oil that will slowly release into my body over the next week so I can't 'forget' or 'refuse' to take it in the morning. The nurse comes to my house so the mental health team know if I have refused to take it.
I can't 'stockpile' tablets.
it is for people who are forgetful, non compliant or suicidal. He reckons I am the latter two.
hippy
xxx

[GailJ]

Hippy after going through all that you must be completely exhausted. Try to get a good sleep, EAT well, and be proud of yourself for doing the best you can to get through this and recover. Huge Huge hugs.

[historyteach]

I'm very very happy for you...

Keep us informed, and let us know how the injections work for you.

(PS, feel free to print out the CBT stuff from the other thread. )

Shalom!

[PaperDolls]

hope today is good for you hippy. keeping working hard. it's worth it. I'm proof.

[shutterbug]

how are you feeling today?

[hippyhippy]

high mood of yesterday wearing off. I got sick line for two weeks to cover time I will take to get used to new med.
I had meeting at daughters school so did my hair, put on the make up (first time in months) and then went shopping......who did I bump into but a colleague!
Now every other med change I have struggled through....at times being quite bad and scary to people at work but I did not want sick time. This time I take it (I am not getting paid for it) and this happens....I feel such a phoney.
Other than that....mentally....real mentally...not just anx from this....I feel ok.
Thank you
Hippy
xxx

[shutterbug]

hippy...i have a friend who is bipolar (and actually one of the first people i met when i discovered my own diagnosis). She is on SSI, but works part time to have more money each month and to stay busy. ANYTIME she does a med change...she takes as many days off as she can. Med changes for us are scary and we never know how it will affect us from one moment to the next. And if you are a rapid cycler then you know that in any moment you can feel horrible.

i know it's hard when we think about what others think in situations like that, but that's the truth....that they have NO clue what we are dealing with in our lives and have no right to judge us. If they want to then that's on them. I'm constantly speaking up for other people when someone talks about someone else's actions being different than most think they should be. If i know the person is a good person and a hard worker....then i immediately let my mind think about what could possible be going on that would make them act that way. And i give the person who is downtalking several scenerios of possible explinations. If they are too stubborn to think there is any other explanation than what THEY decide is what they think is going on....then they have other problems for themselves in their own life they will have to deal with.

You doing what is best for you is all that matters....period.

hugs,
jenna

[GailJ]

Originally Posted by hippyhippy

high mood of yesterday wearing off. I got sick line for two weeks to cover time I will take to get used to new med.
I had meeting at daughters school so did my hair, put on the make up (first time in months) and then went shopping......

I'm glad you did something good for yourself today, how did the meeting at the school go. I hated those meetings when my kids were young.
Once my second son was being bullied by three boys for weeks about grade 3. Last straw was them tying him up to the monkey bars and bringng in boxing gloves to school for show and tell. Went to principal who refused to split up the bullies and wanted my son removed from the class. So I called my cousin and he pulled an Uncle Buck on the principal. Never had a problem after that.