I'm sick, i am an artist and i am lonely

[Alive]

Ok.I am sick. There I said it. I lied to my doctor. She asked me three times
if I was suicidal. She probably knows about all my problems.
I sat there like a mercenary. I just wanted the pills. Like always I was honest when I spoke about what I felt, I just didn’t expand the conversation to the limits of how I feel. I didn't do it because i wanted to hide but because i wanted to have the power of choice on my hand.

I think she knows about everything. My brother has been with her for more than 4 years. She knows probably about my addiction, sexual issues and even knows that I do artistic works related to death.
But what hurt more?....


When she asked me if I was in love or had loved someone lately. She probably thought my depression was caused by a heartbreak or probably she wanted me to open up about my sexual issues. I stood there without moving, looked to the ground and laughed and said: "I can't love nobody, i am depressed"..LIE! that's now, that i am worse...

It hurt like hell. The face came to my mind. The smiling. I was in love last year. I was so depressed that once again I fell for somebody I looked up to. Someone who wasn't hurting, someone who hadn't flunk a year in college, someone whose parents had broken up peacefully, someone who didn't know what i was talking about emotionally..

That person became closer as we had a work project. In my mind I knew it would never happen, but without anyone knowing every night I dreamed of the possibility that I could be with that person. I would have leaved my home, leave my country, leave a job just to be able to kiss that person . That face was everywhere. The name repeated itself. When i walked into a room there was only one i was thinking of. I could've ruined it all. I could have ashamed myself. One day i had the phone on my hand and i was gonna text I love you..By God i stopped and i am glad..

That one showed to be a sleazy rat at work, go figure at love. ditched me on lab group after saying yes..

I could have kissed that face more than one hundred times a day and I would not have gotten tired. I did more than ten artistic pieces thanks to that love. Like always when I fall in love I go into an artistic rage. I am young, I know, but I’ve never had a serious relationship because all know I don’t love me.

I would like to ask you if you feel this way. When i imagined myself love that way, i imagined i was being done a favor..Isn't this wrong?:....

I’ve made an overwhelming effort to stop liking that person and till that day, 6 months after, when the doctor asked me, I thought it was just admiration, not love. No. I loved. I don’t know if its real love. Because I’ve never been loved. But it was a feeling that made me even more depressed.

Every time i walk by that one i close my mouth so i don't smile and i make my best to pretend i don't have any feelings but if there was a word i would have jumped to that neck..

I've been so stupid..people flirt and i actually think that i am going to die for them..I am sick...sick..sick..but there's no cure for this kind of stupidity..

I hate that I live in a lyrical world of dreams. One time a friend of mine, who was an opera singer and did exactly what i did with her life, told me i had to wake up.. That i lived like an artist and couldn't keep going that way...That i would end up dead.
I wish I was a cold person. But I can’t. Whether it’s friends or lovers I let them tear me down for their pleasure. But I love them with all I got, that I know.

Thanks for letting me share.uuuf


p.s..I am not mad i loved..at least i got to have that feeling for me, you know?...It's like i loved a little on my own..Even if it's really lonely here..

[Alive]

there are no coincidences...

i just talked to the person i spoke of above..lol...hadn't seen in some time..

didn't i say i got all dreamy...duuh..STOP!..

[historyteach]

Hi, Karim;

Yes, we love, and sometimes, we get hurt -- badly.
I'm sorry you got hurt. But, you won't die from a broken heart unless you do something rash. And that is truely a horse of a different color. That's when you need a reality check on your emotions. It has nothing to do with love, but, everything to do with control.

I do think some cognitive behavioral therapy could help you here. And I say this because I was that type of hopeless romantic when I was young too. Today, I still believe in love, but, it's a mutually respectful love I'm searching for. Perhaps you might ask your therapist about it?

Suicidal thoughts are serious. Please don't lie to your counselor and then come here to confess. We cannot get you the immediate help you clearly need!

Here is some emergency information if you need it right away:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html (If You Are Feeling Suicidal)
You don't say where you are, so, I can't get a local number for you. Please let us know.

I'm glad you spoke to the person. I hope it helped some. Dreamy or not.
But, please get some priorities in order.
1. Suicide is nothing to make light of.
2. Tell the counselor the truth.
3. Look for a mature love that's lasting.

Let us know how it's going.

Shalom!

[Alive]

My problem is not the heartbreak...that would mean i was actually loved at some point..and i actually feel that if it wasn't this person it would be another...it's all about self love at the end of the day...when you feel empty you just look for places to fill that emptiness.. I am glad i am getting to the root of my type of relation ships..there is some truth to that theory that we look for our lost selves in other sometimes..


It feels good to share here...

[Alive]

I am gonna keep posting here..if you don't mind..it's a great way to say how i feel..

today's thoughts:

wish i could hold someone very bad..

sorry that i look sick...i look sick...haven't got out in 4 days..

but i am loving every bit of the day..the loneliness allows me to create

[shutterbug]

Karim...i'm home for a few minutes on a break from work...i forgot to take my meds last night and was starting to feel the withdrawals...so.

anyway...do you mind if i ask what kind of art you do?

i think dark art is theraputic...it's a way to get the darkness outside of ourselves. you've inspired me a bit with this thread. i've been wanting to put my emotions into images for a while now, but have always had more pressing things. After work today....i'm going to do 2 images on my to-do list and then spend the rest of my evening working on digitally manipulating a self-portrait to try and put my emotions into it.

i think that is the only 'good' that can come of this hell and pain.

thanks for that....really thanks.

and yes....more than anything i want to be held so badly by someone who just wants to hold me....for me and for caring enough to want to....that's what hurts the most inside. so from that front....i understand completely.

oh....and i look like hell too...i haven't showered in 2 days, nor put on make-up. it's rare that i ever go to the office without makeup and with my face so broken out right now....i look even sicker. and the 'face of depression' is definetly on me. i wish i didn't have to work. i hate having to face people right now. mostly because i can't STAND for people to ask me how i am or 'how goes it' or what's up or anything similar.

people don't want to hear "i'm sick. i want to die. i think about suicide several times a day. i can't stop crying. leave me alone."

nope...people don't want to hear that. So when they ask how i am....i say, "i'm here." or "i'm alive" The latter often gets a chuckle and that just p*sses me off so i no longer say that if i can help it.

back to work now....have to attend a stupid auronautics meeting in an hour....yeah...politicians and lawyers and CEOs is who i have to face and photograph every single day! makes being sick and looking sick that much harder to handle when everyone i have to deal with is dressed to the 9's.

[Alive]

pmed you..please email me

[PaperDolls]

Karim -- I think it's great to have a thread of your own to post in. It helps me to sort of keep check of myself. Some times I forget that I'm actually better than I was a year ago. I can always go back and read what I had to say.

Keep posting and I'll keep reading.
I don't always have comments, as Jenna can attest to, but I'm always here. PM me anytime.

[gypsytears]

I had not seen this thread until now. Karim, this thread is a good idea like PD said. Keep posting... I will read.

[teej]

I think it's a great idea too to have your own thread!! We all have come to know you and we all care about you. You are such a talented young man, it blows me away! Be honest with your doctor, and if you cant because family seeing the same Doc, get another one. Start fresh maybe?
SUPER glad to see you back here at SR!!!!!

[barb dwyer]

karim - hang in hon.

what about the honesty withthe doc thing? I hate to be a stick in the mud about it - but if I hadn't come clean with teh doc - I wouldn't be typing this.

I want you to be able to keep typing, friend.

How can I help?

[gypsytears]

Karim hun ... check in please.

[hope3]

I love you Karim, and I am hugging you now!!!!!!!!!!!

Sharon!

[Alive]

You ask you get it....

I am overwhelmed with what God gave me, like i told my friend V....

i can't put into words now...but those who know me, know i am very spiritual...well..i've been proven God exists..


love, Karim= given in arabic..

[Alive]

It's all so overwhelming...

[PaperDolls]

I hope in a good way Karim.

[Alive]

Love is....

thanks Jen..you sure helped me last week..Thanks ...you know what i am talking about...

and Hope!...love that hug..that's beautiful honey..

[gypsytears]

&

I read it my friend.

[Alive]

I love you all so much.....

thanks....(words can't express all that life has brought me)...Even if there's a little rain sometimes
now i can drink that rain and make my bones stronger because they are held.

[parentrecovers]

hugs to you, karim. keep reaching out, we're listening - k

[Alive]

Have a nice weekend guys...love ya...!

sometimes we are so beyond the pain that we can't see the sun right there..it is right there...

[shutterbug]

Karim...i'm having trouble remembering most of yesterday. lol i'm glad tho...whatever i helped with.

So...can you say what has changed?

[Alive]

Self Love is growing......


I am so happy, cuz i had nothing "yesterday" and today i sit here making
a calendar for my exams, knowing i got so many things to do, planning the next months..You know what? Two weeks ago i didn't know if i had another day..well, nobody does, but let's say for now, i had an epiphany...

I am living one day at a time, only letting my thoughts get to a certain degree...I am learning you can control how much you dwell...so as i sit here on my desk, there are things i want to do, people i want to love and for now that makes me want to wake up to a future....

all of sudden i realize it's all about how you see yourself..it's all about your perspective of the world, not the world's perspective on you..


THANK YOU GOD!



p.s: all of you rock..you're great..!

[Alive]

Lesson of today: One day at a time. No dwelling. For now the best i can do is live from the morning to sleeping time. And that is much better.

I know depression doesn't disappear from one day to the other, but as it started to go away, there are still places
i can't go just yet. My great hope is that one day, maybe soon, i will be able to finally simply accept my being completely,
because i already know God wants me to be here on earth for some reason. It's not easy. But one day at a time i get happy
and i live my moments.

Amen to God who makes me cry when i keep the faith in love and my today.

[barb dwyer]

I'm glad to see you're posting again, Karim. {{{hug}}}