Marital question...

[pointmagnet]

I am a bit of a workaholic.

Enjoy doing a good job at work, enjoy pleasing our customers. I like going the extra mile to make folks happy.

But my family has apparently suffered.

So much so that my wife has said she will likely divorce me unless I change jobs so that I have a regular 9-5 type occupation.

Is that an unreasonable request for a spouse? I have the best job in the world right now, but my spouse does not like my employer or my job. In fact she hates my employers.

Any input from over here??? I worry that if I go back to a 9-5 job, it may end up being 7 to 7 and the spouse will get all upset all over again. How do I not be a workaholic?

[shutterbug]

first question...if you love your job then does your spose only hate your job and employers because of the hours you work?

i tend to be a workaholic also...have been most my life, but then i descovered that my people pleasing is the result of me being codependent. so i immersed myself in learning what that was and how it had affected my life up to that point. i started slowly teaching myself that....i don't have to kill myself for people to like me and if i do then i don't care if those kind of people like me anyway.

the bottom line is....enjoying your work and being responsible is one thing, but when it goes beyond and takes away from you living your life and spending time with your family...then it's time to take a look at things and re-evaluate.

We work to live....not the other way around. i mean, my career is SUPER important to me, but i've realized that spending time with my nephews, sister, mom and friends is an important part of taking proper care of myself.

if your wife is bringing up the 'D' word then my personal opinion is that she's feeling neglected, unimportant, unloved and not worth your time....and she'd be right in whatever feelings she is having.

if you are like me...then you probably suffer from low self-esteem and doing a good job at work and people pleasing is a thing we've come to reley on for self-worth, but it's only superficial and fleeting.....hence why we tend to keep pushing harder and working longer and longer hours.

my opinion is it's time to evaluate what's really important to you. i mean....if you died today would you think "man!! i wish i would have worked more!"??? i'm guessing not. Rather most of us would think, "man!! i wish i would have spent less time at the office/job and more quality time with my loved ones....i didn't have enough time with them and now it's too late."

That tends to put things into perspective for me. i don't care if you've been married 50 years now....your wife and kids need to feel like when you leave them to go to work each day....that you can't WAIT to get back home to them!!

loving your job is one thing, but it should never come before the love you should have for yourself and your family.

just my opinions.

hugs,
jenna

p.s. if you do go back to a 9-5....you are right in that it would turn into a 7-7 or similar. it's not the job..it's how much importance you give IT over your entire life. And if you don't change within...then any and every job will be the same 12+hours a day spent away from your family and your own living of life.

[best]

Marines say...

God, Country, Corp, Unit

Husbands should say...

God, Family, self, job.

Think of your wife and family as one of your customers...
Would they come back and buy from you again?

Providing for the needs of the family means we need give them our time.
Money earned can only buy so much. The things that truly matter in a relationship can't be bought.
Treat your wife like she is your best customer and see what happens in your life.

A happy wife equals a happy life.

I have found this to be ever so true. Try it, you will find that both of you like it.

[pointmagnet]

Thanks for your thoughts, shutterbug and best...

I should have said that my current job has me travelling 60% of the time and working long hours when I am at home. Another position could be a more normal 40 hrs per week, but I would have to really be careful and manage my hours closely.

My wife does not like my employer because of personal issues. She believes they take advantage of my codependent tendencies but what employer doesn't???

Also, her behaviour was somewhat embarassing at a recent company party so she feels she cannot be part of my professional life in any way in my current job.

I'll probably go back to a local employer and lose the respect of most of my friends, but so what? My friends are very kind and they'll like me even though they may think I have been railroaded...

At least I hope this is true. :/

But you are so right about being true to God and Family first. I think I missed there. Thanks again for your input.

[best]

Originally Posted by pointmagnet

She believes they take advantage of my codependent tendencies but what employer doesn't???

I have an addictive personality. When I start out doing something, I go at it full speed and try to give my all. Employers didn't take advantage of me being codependant or being an over doer... I allowed them to do so. I gave up my self for the job many times.
What I started to learn... they don't all care (even the ones you may think did)
A day always came that when I would say...I need and then follow up with...remember when I did this for you?
I would always get... That was "your" choice. The answer is still no.

Not every employer is like that but I have yet to find one that cared more about me and my needs then they do about how much money they can make. (except for my wife and family)

[historyteach]

I like going the extra mile to make folks happy.

Does that include your spouse?
Something to think about, anyway....
Our spouse should be the first one we want to make happy; not the one who is last on the list.

Shalom!

[pointmagnet]

I allowed them to do so. I gave up my self for the job many times

Oh jeez. You just described my professional life for the last 15 years.

How do I change? Perhaps a sabbatical is in order? I've had NO vacation in about 18 months now....

Our spouse should be the first one we want to make happy

Yeah, I used to feel that way until we started fighting about 20 years ago.

[best]

Originally Posted by pointmagnet

How do I change? Perhaps a sabbatical is in order? I've had NO vacation in about 18 months now....

How I changed ... looked over what I was giving away and what it was costing me in other areas. Health, family, and enjoyment of life.

How much vacation time do you have? It can take a bit to reprogram ourself.
I would think a good start may be a weekend away at a couples retreat may give a good start to things. Some of my best memories are times when my dad and I did things together when he was on vacation. Something as simple as him coming out and playing baseball with us and at 7 years old seeing my dad run for a first time that I can remember. Look.. he is old (38 at the time) and he can run? He was safe at first because we were all laughing so hard that no one went after the ball.

The time you give to family... you will never know how many memories you plant untill you get old and your children sit around at Thanksgiving and laugh about the old days and time spent with "Dad"

[pointmagnet]

Look.. he is old (38 at the time) and he can run? He was safe at first because we were all laughing so hard that no one went after the ball.

The time you give to family... you will never know how many memories you plant untill you get old and your children sit around at Thanksgiving and laugh about the old days and time spent with "Dad"

Those are some good memories...

When I was 45 or 46, I was state champion in the long jump and high jump in AZ at the grand canyon state games and/or the arizona masters' invitational. My kids could not run or jump as fast or high as me! Times now have changed

But Even last year we had a great family footnball game on Thanksgiving where my youngest son and I nearly upset my oldest son and two cousins.

I think we win this year....

[best]

Did you enjoy the game?
Did you enjoy the smiles on their faces?

I am sure they enjoyed it in ways you may never know about.

Such are the things I think on when I look at the cost of giving the extra mile at work vs getting the extra mile of joy from family.

[madscientist]

Point, your post really resounded with me unfortunately...

My workaholic tendencies were one of the reasons I am divorced now, I couldn't see the ways it was affecting my husband until it was too late. I didn't get the benefit of an ultimatum, and thought it was perfectly acceptable because it was helping us to build a better future together. Damn that living for tomorrow....

I wish I had practical advice for you, but just wanted to encourage you to really look at what's important in your life today. I learned the hard way that it really is the people who love us that matter most, and am grateful for a new perspective, even if it is still difficult to live always.

Good luck, whatever the outcome.

[pointmagnet]

Well this may be happenning to me also. Just found out that the spouse was having an affair. (but "it's over")

Right.

I guess I'm gonna be screwed up for awhile now.

[ccgirl]

Hi point. Can I just tell you I could be your wife? That doesn't excuse her affair and I highly suggest marital counselling (it brought my marriage back from the brink), but I understand her. She very well could have done it from lonliness and was seeking attention she felt she was not getting at home. Instead of an affair for me, I turned to substances.

I have been married 20 years to a wonderful man. We own our own business. The problem? We own our own business. He has wonderful long timers who are capable of running the place if he took a day off; you know what? His last day off was August 31st.

When I was home sick one day and he HAD to pick the kids up at the bus stop, the driver had to call me to make sure it was OK, because she didn't know he was their dad.

Sometimes I feel so lonely I could scream. When he finally does come home I give him dinner, and we chat, but underneath it all is a burning resentment because, and listen very carefully to this - Based on his actions and not his words, we are SECOND to his job. He can tell me all he wants this is not so, but if it were true, he would be home sometimes. We live in a small town; he's not having an affair; he really is working; his affair IS his job.

I asked him one time if he was dying who did he think would be crying at his bedside; his customers or his family? Sometimes I wonder.


I am so sorry about your current situation. But read my words and read them well. I'm sure your wife could have written them.

[pointmagnet]

ccgirl, why don't you tell this to your husband in the exact way you said it to me? My wife would hold her resentment inside and be angry at me ALL the time. Hence it was very difficult for me to be loving with her and her anger. But if she had said the words you wrote just now, I would have wised up long ago.

I am really really hurt by the affair but hopefully I can rise above it and forgive and forget. Well, I probably won't ever forget but I can forgive. And I can make a serious effort not to be married to my job.

We'll see how it goes. I am afraid the dude she slept with will be persistent about continuing the affair and that will not help. He may need some persuading to stay the hell away.

[QU31]

I grew up with a dad who was a severe workaholic. He was so driven for success and achieved a very high level of it. But he was this way because he had issues (he is also an alcoholic and I believe the workaholism and alcoholism were both just symptoms of his greater issues). Anyway, he wasn't around very often, because he was always working. However, I'm not sure I would have wanted him around. I think I would have known he would have rather been elsewhere. I guess my point is, if you do decide to work less, you might want to consider getting some kind of therapy for the issues that are at the heart of your workaholism? If it is a true addiction, one could end up like a dry-drunk but a dry-workaholic (if that makes any sense at all!!)

[shutterbug]

QU31 brings up a VERY good point. My father ran his own business which was located right directly behind our house...a walk of about 10 steps...yet he was a VERY absent father. My mother had basically disappeared from my life except for the 4 days a month she had us and that was too much for her.

i made efforts to talk to him on occation by going into his shopping and talking to him, but he still barely acknowledged my presense. i would sometimes talk about his work...pretending i wanted to know something...just so he would talk to me, but even then it was brief and he'd be quickly back absorbed into what he was doing.

he was so busy with his life that my best friend's family often introduced me to people as 'their adopted daughter' since i was with them so much and wouldn't have ever gotten to do anything if they hadn't picked me up for afterschool functions and church and stuff.

what made it worse was that my step-mother and step-sister ignored me for years unless it was to tell me to do something or yell at me. my father never batted an eyelash because he was TOO wrapped up to even notice or care.

my point....he never changed....he only got worse. to the point where the only time i could ever spend time with him was if i followed him to his favorite bars. even then i was usually not paid much attention to. and because of his self-absorbed ways....when we did talk he usually said something hurtful for not having a clue what his words actually meant to my life.

i gave him chance after chance. i finally stopped talking to him completely for a year and then decided to give him another chance and went out to a club with him. when he refused to stop talking about my ex (who had been an alcoholic friend of his) even after my repeated asking him not to....well i told him i had to leave. he said he would walk me to my car.

that turned into him being his typical self-absorbed self and thinks-he-knows-better and i'd had enough so i told him off. he literally punched the window of my car when i told him to get a life and stop drinking and start thinking of other people for a change.

That was 2 years ago and i haven't willingly spoken to him since. and i have NO desire to ever speak to him again.

MY main point is that regardless of if you realize it or not...there is a HUGE price you pay for putting things other than family first in your life. The affair is only the beginning and not surprising to me.

i pray this is your wakeup call...and you are able to really realize what is of true importance in life. like i said before, "we work to live...we don't live to work."

hugs,
jenna

[ccgirl]

Hey Point, I think I put some (a lot) of my post in the wrong tense. Remember in the first paragraph, I mentioned marriage counselling. That was a couple years ago when we started (we're still going) and A LOT came out that was bitter and acrimonious at that time (it also followed a suicide attempt by me)

I won't say it got better right away, and it's not always great, but from that starting point, where I said everything to him that I did to you, LOL, I see him trying, truly trying. So, even when I'm angry or if he has spells of working too much (like right now; our business is seasonal and the season is pretty much over this weekend), he has made changes. For instance in that period of time since August 31, he's called me to meet him for lunch dates or walks during the day while the kids are at school, and he's made it home for family dinner more in the last few months than ever before.

As far as your wife's affair, if she did it not because she cared for the guy, but did it for other reasons such as lonliness, you should try to talk it out. Maybe it was the only way she could get your attention.

As far as the guy hanging around, I won't even go there!!!!lol

[pointmagnet]

marriage counselling

We have been in counselling for awhile now, but up until today it had been, like you said, bitter and acrimonious. Additionally, my spouse was not wanting to open up and try to make progress. Now I know why.

But today's session was very good. Our counselor was surprised to hear the whole story (she did not know of the affair) and happy that we have now both committed to change things. I can forgive the affair as a foolish mistake and I hope my wife can forgive my past overwork and neglect of family also.

There is a very long ways to go still, but it's a start.

I do have one pressing question for both the men and women of the forum. It seems to me that women get a free pass on an affair if they feel neglected, while men that have affairs are treated much more harshly. Is this an uneven playing field or is it my imagination?

[shutterbug]

it probably is, but for me i think i would have said the same if it would have been a woman neglecting her husband and family b/c of work. either way the person should be prepared to learn of an unfaithful spouse in my book.

i guess for the most part tho...women don't cheat (for the most part i said) so i guess i put myself in the wife's place and knowing that it would take an AWFUL LOT for me to ever even be tempted to cheat...therefore my mind tends to automatically think she must have been at least somewhat justified. Where as men...men cheat on totally devoted wives all the time...for whatever reason...it doesn't seem to weigh on their emotions like the same would for us.

here's an example...i found out my live-in fiance of several years had been cheating on me. i'd tried to leave him several times before that even, but wasn't strong enough at the time. Then a guy i graduated high school with, but had barely known began writing me from out of state. he would call a few times a week and we would e-mail a lot also. i normally would NEVER do that, but i knew that keeping my mind and emotions occupied on someone else would be the only way i would ever be able to pull myself away from the abusive fiance. Several weeks after i finally got the my fiance out of my life for good....was the first time i went to see this other guy. But the point is that even though it was just written and spoken correspondence with him....i STILL felt guilty for even talking to another guy while my fiance was still living in my house. And i still feel bad that i wasn't strong enough to get away from him totally on my own, but i do not regret getting away from him...not for one second.

i don't know if any of that makes sense...i'm in a strange place in my emotions today.

i'm glad you and your wife are truely trying to work things out.

[ccgirl]

Point, actually statistically speaking (how dorky am I) 80% of women take their husbands back after and affair as opposed to 20% of men.

I am glad that everything is out in the open in counselling. You can't get anywhere until all your cards are on the table. One day at a time I guess.