Something's wrong with me

[r0403]

Hi, my name is Rob and I'm 22 years old.

Over the past few years I've begun to realize there's something different about the way I think and 'feel'.

Before that, I always knew that I was intelligent. I scored in the 99th percentile on an official Mensa test, and my IQ is near 200 on a Mensa approved IQ test. I didn't join, I just wanted to see if I could. I learned well before puberty that I could 'play' with people like I could chess pieces. Through middle school and high school I was very well liked by my peers and teachers alike, although that really didn't mean a damn to me. I enjoyed manipulating people and pitting them against each other. The outcomes were entertaining, to an extent.

As I've grown older, that's bored me. I don't enjoy interacting with most people, since I feel the average person can't keep up with me. That's conceited, I know, but I'm being honest. I plan conversations like I would plan a game of chess - using that metaphor once again - where I am several steps ahead in a conversation, and only waiting for their response to choose my statement from a list I have prepared in my head. That's the only way I find an average conversation interesting.

Throughout high school, I hurt people. I put more than one person into the hospital, although I was never arrested or even questioned. On this note, I was raised in a Christian household, taught right and wrong, and to believe in a God. I believe now this is the only reason I am not in prison. Back to the point, I never hurt anybody unjustly - at least in my eyes, which I now understand may be warped. I was in a very rough high school, where many people carried a knife or weapon of some sort. Every time I hurt somebody, I only did for a reason. They were hurting somebody else who was helpless. In every case it was a male (or more than one male) hurting a female. At the same time, I have deeply despised women for as long as I can remember, but I've never physically harmed one in the least. This comes back to the whole religion area because I was taught never to hurt people, and I came to a compromise in my head where I would only hurt people who deserved it.

I am a good looking guy, and I know how to use words to attract a woman. I have never failed to get somebody that I wanted, regardless of their situation - be they involved with somebody else, engaged, married, far older, or otherwise. I have convinced a twenty seven year old woman to divorce her husband and not fight for custody of her children because I didn't want them around. I was nineteen years old at the time, and I left her shortly after, because I was bored with her. I understand these actions would disgust the average person, but on a personal level I am proud of this achievement.

I've been able to convince almost every woman I've been with to do anything that I wanted. That was the most entertaining part, getting them to change their restrictions and morals while often believing it was their own idea, not the sex itself... although the sex did hold some value for a time.

However, this is no longer appealing, as I've grown bored with sex. I don't see a purpose for it, and there's nothing fun about it. So, I don't pursue anybody. I'm perfectly happy to not be involved with another person if it doesn't serve me a purpose.

In my first serious relationship, I learned how to emulate things like love. I am able to cry on demand when I feel it's necessary. I'm able to convince somebody of almost anything I want.

I realized recently that this isn't normal. I thought that everybody was this way, simply putting on a mask when going out into the world. I just thought that I was better at the game than the average person.

What brought this realization forth was the fact that a year ago, I remembered being sexually abused by my paternal grandparents, both of them. I spoke with my sister, and she remembered it as well. Since then my dreams have become increasingly violent, and I have urges that are incredibly hard to restrain. My grandmother killed herself several years ago, and my grandfather travels the world and has had little to no contact with me since I was about seven.

I began to really examine all the emotions I've had. I have never felt sad about being abused, only incredibly angry. I am able to hide it, but I can feel it. In fact, this is the only feeling I really understood besides 'numb' - there have just been different levels of it. When I've lost people in a relationship, or even had deaths in the family, I have cried - because of anger. I feel like I've lost a prized possession, and I am angry that it's been taken away.

This has led to drinking. When under the influence of alcohol is the only time I feel different, what I'm guessing is sad. Sad is like anger, without a seething hatred behind it. It feels better than anger, and it feels better than feeling nothing at all. I will drink on average three to five times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. I also drink alone, since I do not want my guard to be down when I'm with anybody else. This is an entirely different problem, that I realize I'll need to approach in time. I'm only mentioning it because it gives me the capacity to feel something besides anger and numb. Although, maybe it's just a very muted anger. I'm not sure.

Physical pain is an interesting feeling, although I have no desire to mutilate my body. It doesn't make sense to do so.

I lie a lot. I lie to my family, my 'friends', girlfriends in the past, almost anybody I've met. Usually as a means to an end, but sometimes I just lie for no reason.

I don't believe I'm a sociopath, because I've never hurt animals (nor do I desire to) and I don't have uncontrollable urges to hurt or kill people who do not deserve it. And no, I don't have the urge to 'go forth and kill sinners', I'm not some kind of religious psycho. I don't think God speaks to me, nor do I hear voices. I believe it's right to hurt somebody who's attacked somebody who's helpless. And I won't do it unless I know for a fact it's true - I'm well versed in technology and have trained myself to an extent in espionage to find out what I need to know. Maybe it's because 'morals' were so ingrained into me as a child, some of it is retained. At least the 'really heavy' stuff. I just don't know.

So, something is different about the way my brain works. I know this isn't normal. I am curious though - was it trained into me through trauma, or was I born this way? I don't really know if I want to get 'fixed'. I like the way I am for the most part, and from what I've seen, most emotions are just a waste of time and a major hassle.

Any opinions?

[Afraid2Succeed]

her Rob,
Welcome to SR. we're not allowed to give medical advice at SR, but ill tell you me thoughts. i would suggest you look up Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).

keep posting as im interested in your journey.

[Afraid2Succeed]

Common characteristics of people with antisocial personality disorder include:

* Persistent lying or stealing
* Recurring difficulties with the law
* Tendency to violate the rights of others (property, physical, sexual, emotional, legal)
* Substance abuse
* Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fights
* A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria)
* Inability to tolerate boredom
* Disregard for the safety of self or others
* A childhood diagnosis of conduct disorders
* Lack of remorse for hurting others
* Superficial charm
* Impulsiveness
* A sense of extreme entitlement
* Inability to make or keep friends
* Lack of guilt
* Recklessness, impulsivity[6][4]

People who have antisocial personality disorder often experience difficulties with authority figures.[7]

[edit]

-taken from wikipedia

[r0403]

Originally Posted by Afraid2Succeed

her Rob,
Welcome to SR. we're not allowed to give medical advice at SR, but ill tell you me thoughts. i would suggest you look up Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).

keep posting as im interested in your journey.

Thanks for the info, I'll look it up. I am not asking for medical advice, merely opinions. I have tried going to a psychologist but I ended up lying anyway, and he didn't think I had any problems at all.

The fact that this is anonymous makes it easier to be honest, I guess.

[Morning Glory]

Hi r0403,

Welcome to the forums.

It's hard to give an opinion without knowing you better, but my first impression is that you speak of yourself and others as objects. You sound disconnected from yourself and others. It seems that control is very important to you. You control yourself and control others and you're intelligent enough to do it very well. If you're in control you're safe. If you act first you're safe and this keeps you from being helpless and vulnerable. There was a time when you were young that you were helpless and vulnerable and you were unsafe and you won't let yourself be in that position again. You may even be projecting that helplessness onto others that you protect and projecting your anger over your past vulnerabilities onto those who are hurting them. My thoughts are that there is an undiscovered universe within you that you haven't explored yet and you're still disconnected from. It won't be easy, but finding a very intelligent counselor who can play the game better than you can might be helpful. You will be able to outsmart 99% of the counselors.

You're very young and sometimes we don't look inside until we are able to deal with it on an emotional level. Those emotions are a major hassle for sure, but it's better on the other side after you get through it. If you drink to self medicate and avoid the emotions the drinking may progress with age and you'll be in a worse place. If you can do nothing else now at least work on abstaining from alcohol.

Trauma does a number on us and children set up some complicated defense mechanisms. You may not be aware of just how complicated your defense mechanisms are. It's worth exploring.

[shutterbug]

if all that is true...i commend you, but obviously none of us will know.

Sociopath is the first thing that came to mind, not everyone fits current descriptions of medical disorders like puzzle peices. Humans are not so simple to define. Perhaps at 22 you've yet to experience some of the other symptoms? Or perhaps you just don't want to admit to the other symptoms?

Regardless, you are intelligent enough to know that these things are wrong and are VERY harming. How can you be proud of achieving children being left by their mother??? How can you be proud of taking advantage of someone who can't see what you are doing to them and yet all they want is to be loved and truely cared about.

Use your intellegence for good, not evil. It's your choice, but i don't think you really care...just as long as you are entertained. With a brain like you've described...if you really want help you should have no problem reading and figuring out what's behind all these cruel things you say you do without even batting an eyelash.

I started to suggest finding a therapist, but you'd be hard pressed to find one you couldn't manipulate....so I don't think it would do you any good. So if you really do want to become a good person....then first become your own therapist and start educating yourself on why those kind of actions and thoughts are wrong.

"knowledge is power" and "with knowledge comes great responsiblity" ....so you have to make the choice of if you really want to use that power and knowledge for good or not. I can't even begin to imagine what wonderously miraculous things you could do if you shifted your focus toward the betterment of those around you rather than your own amusement. Find something that interests you...something constructive and truely good for mankind...and submerse yourself in it.

sounds like your brain is starving for action....and you've just been taking the easy route and playing chess with people's lives....real lives that you care nothing about.

I feel sorry for you, but more sorry for your victims.

But...i'm sure you already know i or someone else would say most of this so i'm wasting my time. I'm not sure I even understand why you would post this -- other than maybe messing that with the minds of people serious about helping themselves be better people....is something new for you to toy around with?

best wishes,
Jenna

[Afraid2Succeed]

sociopath is somewhat antiquated; the more appropriate term would be Antisocial Personality Disorder. i dont think you have characteristics of borderline PD because you lack the emotional dysregualtion that is so prominent.

people with APD arent necessarily sociopaths full of rage. only a fraction of them torture animals, or start fires, or wet their beds (the common constellation exhibited by serial killers when theyre young). the rest lead 'normal' lives.

im not at all surprised about the things you have done. it all speaks of APD. if you go to a psychologist, be honest. we learn these disorders all the time, so don't worry about condemnation or disapproval.

keep posting.

[r0403]

Originally Posted by shutterbug

Use your intellegence for good, not evil. It's your choice, but i don't think you really care...just as long as you are entertained. With a brain like you've described...if you really want help you should have no problem reading and figuring out what's behind all these cruel things you say you do without even batting an eyelash.

I understand that in subjects I'm not experienced in, it does help to get an outside view. Especially since I don't think I can look at myself objectively. Another reason to post is that I don't think I understand what the "other side" is like, and I'm curious to see if there is anybody who is (or was) like me here that has managed to change... and ask them if it's better than before.

Originally Posted by shutterbug

But...i'm sure you already know i or someone else would say most of this so i'm wasting my time. I'm not sure I even understand why you would post this -- other than maybe messing that with the minds of people serious about helping themselves be better people....is something new for you to toy around with?

There's nothing to gain from messing with the minds of the people on here. I'm posting this because I'm aware there's something wrong, but I have a hard time not lying about it when I am actually talking to somebody else. I don't know if trying to 'fix' it will make it better or worse.

Morning Glory, disconnected sounds about right.

I know what I've written is very cold, but sprucing it up/lying to make it seem nice wouldn't do any good. Thanks for your comments.


Edit:

Oh, and:

Originally Posted by shutterbug

I feel sorry for you, but more sorry for your victims.

I'm not seeking pity.

[GailJ]

Originally Posted by r0403

.

What brought this realization forth was the fact that a year ago, I remembered being sexually abused by my paternal grandparents, both of them. I spoke with my sister, and she remembered it as well. Since then my dreams have become increasingly violent, and I have urges that are incredibly hard to restrain. My grandmother killed herself several years ago, and my grandfather travels the world and has had little to no contact with me since I was about seven.

I began to really examine all the emotions I've had. I have never felt sad about being abused, only incredibly angry. I am able to hide it, but I can feel it. In fact, this is the only feeling I really understood besides 'numb' - there have just been different levels of it. When I've lost people in a relationship, or even had deaths in the family, I have cried - because of anger. I feel like I've lost a prized possession, and I am angry that it's been taken away.

As CSA survivors we learn young ways to protect ourselves, unforunately we learn may maladative coping mechanisms in our young years that help us cope with these hidden emotions left over from the trauma, and only teach ourselves as best we could as childen. As you said being raised in a christian family only diverts and burys these emotions more. There's a great deal of expectation to be perfect christians and do no wrong especially in developing years.

I am not disagreeing with the others at all here, and should explore as much as you can, yet you should also look into post trumatic stress disorder as well. The nightmares may be related. The anger or fight responses you have carred so long. Trust issues and putting on hidden faces, keeping true emotions burried deep in you subconscious could all in part be post traumatic responses. Look into both. Reserch as much as you can.

Just my opinion

[shutterbug]

What you originally posted scares the daylights out of me. i live most of my life under the assumption that most people i come in contact with are essentially good and well intentioned so things like this are pretty shocking to me. i wish i could have a more objective and understanding response...i really do, but i've known too many guys who have torn my life and self-esteem to shreds and who couldn't even touch your intelligence level. So that amount of power and lack of empathy for what your actions do to others....is more frightening to me than any horror flick.

i'm glad you realize something is wrong and i truely do hope you find a way to get better.

jenna

[Max.J.Milton]

i know someone exactly like you.

PM me if you want to talk more, i have a feeling your innate narcissism may just glaze over this so i wont bother writing much.

[historyteach]

So, something is different about the way my brain works. I know this isn't normal. I am curious though - was it trained into me through trauma, or was I born this way? I don't really know if I want to get 'fixed'. I like the way I am for the most part, and from what I've seen, most emotions are just a waste of time and a major hassle.

Any opinions?

SR is a place to share our Experience, Strength and Hope.
If you want an opinion, what do you want it on?
If you were born this way or if it were a trauma? Or something else?

If you "like" the way you are, good luck to you.
Frankly, I see reading this thread as a waste of time. You're tooting your own self-inflated horn, bragging how you mentally and emotionally abuse people.
That sucks. :thefinger

You want an opinion? Go see a professional, and start telling the TRUTH for a change. You may get your eyes opened. Cuz, they way you're headed, you're gonna need the luck I"ve proffered before. You sound like a run of the mill self absorbed "unique" drunk. :
Your bottom will lead you to find the truth sooner or later.

Shalom!

[HKAngel24]

Rob ~

I think that different people handle sexual abuse differently. I was abused as a child and learned an incredible dislike for my body and anything sexual due to the trauma. Others become wildly promiscuous or shut off feelings. The brain can do amazing things when faced with trauma and forced to cope - it can conceal the truth from us and we adapt, growing up completely covering up what has happened to us until we are adults and question why we are behaving in these socially unacceptable ways.

I, too, don't think anyone here is qualified to give a professional opinion, but I really, really urge you to make an appointment with someone - just to get another perspective. You're not roped in and there is not anything wrong with you for going. Trust me, I've struggled with that for years.
The first thought that came to my mind was sociopath which i've always known to mean a person who operates without any moral compass. You don't need to crave violence or take pleasure in hurting others to exhibit these traits - I think it's more in the personality patterns.

You said that you would "emulate things called love." I mean why would anyone want to fake being in love -- they would have to receive some gratification out of it in some way. Sheer pleasure in hurting others, actually seeking to hurt others is just pure malice, in my opinion. If this isn't the case, than there is something else at work that is causing you to want to have "pretend" emotions. I think there could be the possibility that "winning" these women and seeing what they will do for you feeds something inside of you that you're not aware of -- I think it could be like a drug, feeding an emptiness momentarily but never providing long term satisfaction.

I've experienced times in my life where my feelings were so suppressed - my rejection of self was so buried in my subconcious that I manifested it by playing these games with myself. I believed somehow that it was okay for me to make others love me and than to hurt them, by being unfaithful. I couldn't see much good in myself so I felt justified in doing whatever was possible to get it from others.
I use to lie, too and think nothing of it. I felt that sense of entitlement because others had hurt me deeply, becaues I was so incredibly sensitive and others hadn't been gentle with me so I somehow was allowed to- don't get me wrong I eventually ended up using it to make myself feel more crappy about myself. There was also a short period of time when I was medicated by some emotionally numbing meds that I did HORRIBLE things I am deeply, deeply ashamed of. But for ME, it's all been in a quest to fill some inherent sense of damage, some emptiness.


Others have their own underlying reasons. I do think it's important though to know that no one is invincible- it is a horrible mental error that someone can make - that they cannot be touched or are not responsible for their actions when that is merely their own concept and not reality that is at work. I believe that this is what causes people to do things that they cannot explain. Everyone of us is human.

Also, I don't think emotions are a waste of time.
Just because someone can't FEEL another's pain or even their own pain doesn't mean it isn't real nor does it mean it is humane.
You may not want to change your behavior. If you are really interested in changing than I think you'll seek help and eventually will be honest about you are feeling, but that is something you will decide in your own time. Seeking help because you want to figure out what your problem is and than not being honest about it just defeats the whole purpose. I'm not judging, I have done the same thing.

I think getting into therapy would be a positive thing - if you want to learn more about yourself. Truth is that it's a possibility that you are unable to experience ANY sort of emotion at all, including love or compassion and emotions are part of human existence.

[liveweyerd]

My opinion?
I would not want anything to do with you in any capacity.
And that perhaps it is best if you were segregated from society.

[barb dwyer]

way to go, HT !!!! HOOyah!