Hi, I'm Mel

[meliejv]

Hello

I am a new member and I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you what led me to this community. My name is Mel short for Melissa. i am 31 years old. I am married with no children yet. I have been severly depressed all of my life. I started feeling suicdal when I was 11 years old before i even knew the word suicide. My mother told me i was going thru a phase and i would grow out of it so my depression when untreated until i was 17 when I went into treatment. I have been on meds for 14 years. For the first three years i tried everything and nothing worked until i found Serzone. once i got on the serzone i was able to start actually repairng my life. Over the 11 year period, I cleaned out the cluttter in my life but i would still have dips of depression when my meds needed to be adjusted. A little over a year ago I was doing my usual shopping when i had my first panic attack in 11 years. They were constant for 6 months. I couldn't even leave my house. It was hell. i still have daily anxiety and a panic attack occassionally. i do use zanax but i take 1/2 of a 5mg pill a day so I don't feel drugged at all. i have tapered down from (3) half pills a day. It really helps calm the physical anxiety but I don't want to have to rely on them forever. Thank God i have such a wonderful husband that watched me every second. I just wanted to die. Since this breakdown i am slowly getting better. i still sometimes struggle with gorraphobia. I don't leave my house much. We just moved to Tennesse 4 months ago. i thought i was strong enough to handle the change but when we got here, i regressed back to not wanting to go outside. Anyway I was searching the net and stumble across this community and all of the love and support gave me warm fuzzies so I wanted to be apart of. Before I got sober my depression really reflected the condition of my life at the time. i lived my life for the last 11 years really happy. i have a great life today. the frustrating part is what I am feeling on the inside does not match up with whats going on on the outside. I'm sure people would look at my life and say what is she whinig about. Today I know that its depression and even though i know I am not my depression, it still hurts like hell. the nice thing about this community is that i don't feel alone. Anyway as I have shared on another thread, I am looking for an alternative treatment to my depression other than meds. So there it is. i just wanted to give you an introduction . i look forward to being apart of the threads.

mel

[GailJ]

Welcome Mel, glad you joined us. I'll keep it short cause I feel like I've been hogging the forum here and on the anxety website. I've had bad month and trying to snap too. I am PTSD which hit when I was the same age as you. Also panick attacks and agorophobia, lots of anx. Good luck with your alternative search.

[Anna]

Hi Mel,

Welcome!

I had depression since I was a child too and the sad thing about depression, is that no one can see on the outside, how much pain there is on the inside. One thing I have learned is that depression has very little to do with what's happening on the outside, with what's going on in your life. It has to do with those dark, relentless feelings.

It sounds like you've been through a lot and I'm glad you're doing better. You're lucky to have the support of your husband! There is lots of support here, so keep posting.

[meliejv]

Thanks for the warm welcome. Hopeffully someday the world will understand how debilitating depression can be. For now its nice to have friends that can relate. My husband is wonderful yes, however my family didn't get it at all. I was sent to my room most of the time because no one wanted to deal with my feelings. I really felt like an alien most of my life until i realized other people were going thru the same thing.
For now my depression seems to be lifting with the new med I'm on but I am still struggling with anxiety. I hate that I don't want to leave my house. I continue to stretch like my dr told me going outside but taking baby steps but its still agonizing. Anyway thank you both for your support.

[butterflylover]

Originally Posted by meliejv

Hello

I am a new member and I just wanted to introduce myself and tell you what led me to this community. My name is Mel short for Melissa. i am 31 years old. I am married with no children yet. I have been severly depressed all of my life. I started feeling suicdal when I was 11 years old before i even knew the word suicide. My mother told me i was going thru a phase and i would grow out of it so my depression when untreated until i was 17 when I went into treatment. I have been on meds for 14 years. For the first three years i tried everything and nothing worked until i found Serzone. once i got on the serzone i was able to start actually repairng my life. Over the 11 year period, I cleaned out the cluttter in my life but i would still have dips of depression when my meds needed to be adjusted. A little over a year ago I was doing my usual shopping when i had my first panic attack in 11 years. They were constant for 6 months. I couldn't even leave my house. It was hell. i still have daily anxiety and a panic attack occassionally. i do use zanax but i take 1/2 of a 5mg pill a day so I don't feel drugged at all. i have tapered down from (3) half pills a day. It really helps calm the physical anxiety but I don't want to have to rely on them forever. Thank God i have such a wonderful husband that watched me every second. I just wanted to die. Since this breakdown i am slowly getting better. i still sometimes struggle with gorraphobia. I don't leave my house much. We just moved to Tennesse 4 months ago. i thought i was strong enough to handle the change but when we got here, i regressed back to not wanting to go outside. Anyway I was searching the net and stumble across this community and all of the love and support gave me warm fuzzies so I wanted to be apart of. Before I got sober my depression really reflected the condition of my life at the time. i lived my life for the last 11 years really happy. i have a great life today. the frustrating part is what I am feeling on the inside does not match up with whats going on on the outside. I'm sure people would look at my life and say what is she whinig about. Today I know that its depression and even though i know I am not my depression, it still hurts like hell. the nice thing about this community is that i don't feel alone. Anyway as I have shared on another thread, I am looking for an alternative treatment to my depression other than meds. So there it is. i just wanted to give you an introduction . i look forward to being apart of the threads.

mel

Hi and welcome to the site and congrats on being sober! Also, welcome to TN. Me and my husband were born and raised here (I'm 27).

The people on this site are great. You will be able to relate to so many here. I, too, have suffered from depression since I was around that age. I also have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Agoraphobia (don't like leaving my house), PTSD. One psychologist told me I was Bipolar. But I'm on the depressed end of it.

You can talk about anything here. Hope to see ya around.

[ccgirl]

I don't have a lot to add, but have you talked to a counsellor about the agoraphobia? Mine will do phone consults for the 50 minutes until the patient feels comfortable leaving home.

[meliejv]

Thnk you butterfly lover and ccgirl. No I haven't been talking to a counselor. We have been in nashville only 4 months and i just now have a new patient appointment coming up with a Pschiatrist later in the month. I do want to find someone to work this out with. The thing is is I was getting over my agoriphobia befoe we moved here and as soon as we got here i regressed back. I think its very scary and overwhelming to me to be a new area. Not to mention I just don't get the freeway system out here so it makes me not wnat to drive anywhere for fear I'll get lost. Plus it is a total culture shock for me. In california there are certain social rules that everyone respects. People out there just give people space and i reaaly got used to social RULES. In nashville people are so in your face and nice and I thought I would love that part of nashville and yet it has left me feeling vulnerable. I feel like I'm going to get cornered or trapped in a conversation. Not that i don't like people, I just am more of an introvert and I like my space or my bubble actually. It's a tool I learned because I was so lousy at setting boundaries with people. In nashville nobody has a bubble so it seems so they think you don't have one either. I don't know if any of this makes sense to you but i am just having a hard time adjusting. I haven't check in for a few days because I have been having panic attacks and I have been feeling really depressed and I have no idea why but I just want to pull the covers over my head and cry. I haven't felt my depression for over a month and yet here it is to bite me in the ass again. Unlike some people I pull away when I am feeling bad. I see alot of people have bipolar disorder here at this forum, I have major depressive disorder. Is the difference with bipolar is that you have manic highs as well as manic lows. Is that true, correct me it I'm wrong. I hope I don't offend anyone by asking. Thank you for all of your support.

Mel

[butterflylover]

Originally Posted by meliejv

Thnk you butterfly lover and ccgirl. No I haven't been talking to a counselor. We have been in nashville only 4 months and i just now have a new patient appointment coming up with a Pschiatrist later in the month. I do want to find someone to work this out with. The thing is is I was getting over my agoriphobia befoe we moved here and as soon as we got here i regressed back. I think its very scary and overwhelming to me to be a new area. Not to mention I just don't get the freeway system out here so it makes me not wnat to drive anywhere for fear I'll get lost. Plus it is a total culture shock for me. In california there are certain social rules that everyone respects. People out there just give people space and i reaaly got used to social RULES. In nashville people are so in your face and nice and I thought I would love that part of nashville and yet it has left me feeling vulnerable. I feel like I'm going to get cornered or trapped in a conversation. Not that i don't like people, I just am more of an introvert and I like my space or my bubble actually. It's a tool I learned because I was so lousy at setting boundaries with people. In nashville nobody has a bubble so it seems so they think you don't have one either. I don't know if any of this makes sense to you but i am just having a hard time adjusting. I haven't check in for a few days because I have been having panic attacks and I have been feeling really depressed and I have no idea why but I just want to pull the covers over my head and cry. I haven't felt my depression for over a month and yet here it is to bite me in the ass again. Unlike some people I pull away when I am feeling bad. I see alot of people have bipolar disorder here at this forum, I have major depressive disorder. Is the difference with bipolar is that you have manic highs as well as manic lows. Is that true, correct me it I'm wrong. I hope I don't offend anyone by asking. Thank you for all of your support.

Mel

Welcome to the south! Where everyone's holds the door for you , waves and says hi to strangers in our 'twangy' accent, lol. It's funny, out west it's a "freeway" and here we call it the "interstate". I can only imagine how it feels making a big move AND dealing with depression. My dad's family is there and I've been twice and yes it very different. I hope everything starts falling into place for you.

If ya ever need to know something about Nashville, feel free to ask.

[meliejv]

thank you butterflylover. People here are very nice, I just need to get used to it. I will definitly take you up on your offer if i need some insight into nashville. Are you in recovery? do you go to any meetings?

[butterflylover]

Originally Posted by meliejv

thank you butterflylover. People here are very nice, I just need to get used to it. I will definitly take you up on your offer if i need some insight into nashville. Are you in recovery? do you go to any meetings?

No problem!

My drug's of choice are Lortab and pain killers (Mainly Lortab). I'm not sober yet. But I'm working on it. I'm on Tramadol now for back pain but will be coming off pretty soon. I've never been to a meeting before.